Insecurity in a relationship, if left unattended, can prove to be detrimental to your bond with your significant other. While feeling jealous or possessive is deemed natural among humans, being overly insecure can begin to chip away at the foundation of trust and respect, which is crucial for fostering healthy relationships. As a result, a distance begins to creep in, driving a wedge between you and your partner, threatening your future together. 

Of course, there can be situations where your partner’s actions stir up feelings of insecurity. For instance, if they’ve cheated on you in the past or you often catch them in a lie, it’s only natural to feel worried about where the relationship is headed. These worries can leave you feeling insecure. However, if there are no such apparent red flags and you still rack your brains over the quality of your relationship, it’s a sign that you need to dig deep and figure out where these feelings stem from and then take measures to fix this dangerous pattern. 

We’re here to help you navigate this journey of discovering insecurity in a relationship meaning, causes, and signs, along with some expert-backed tips on how to overcome insecurity in a relationship. Psychologist Juhi Pandey (M.A. Psychology), who specializes in dating, premarital, and breakup counseling, offers insight into what insecurity in a relationship means and what you can do to manage it.

What Is Insecurity In A Relationship?

A feeling of uncertainty or vulnerability about oneself is known as insecurity. Describing the insecurity in a relationship meaning, renowned psychotherapist and author Esther Perel says, “Insecurity is a mirror reflecting our own fears and doubts. It’s essential to distinguish between what is real and what is a projection of our insecurities onto our partner.” We’ve all experienced it at some point. While it’s natural to grapple with self-doubt from time to time, continuous insecurity can impede your success in life and can be especially harmful to your intimate relationships.

It robs you of an inner calmness and hinders you from engaging with your partner earnestly. Insecure behaviors such as constantly seeking reassurance, envy, accusing, and snooping weaken trust. While many people believe that a partner’s actions are what causes insecurities in a relationship, the truth is that more often than not it stems from within ourselves.

“It can be a result of being hurt or rejected by someone you care about, or it can start early in childhood with an insecure attachment to your parents. When you compare yourself to others unfavorably and severely evaluate yourself with critical inner dialogue, you sustain and build on your insecurities,” says Juhi.

It is also often rooted in illogical concerns and thoughts: that you aren’t good enough, that you won’t be happy without a partner, that you’ll never find someone better, and that you aren’t truly lovable. It is important to stop being insecure in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. The first step toward doing that successfully is to recognize the causes and signs of insecurity in a relationship.

What Causes Insecurity In A Relationship

Why do some people tend to be more insecure in relationships than others? The simple answer is that we’re all a sum of our life experiences. We inevitably bring our own emotional baggage to relationships. Traumatizing, self-deprecating experiences of the past—either in relationships or during one’s childhood—can become underlying triggers for insecurities. 

Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman says, “Insecurity in relationships often stems from unresolved issues of trust and self-worth. It’s crucial for partners to address these feelings openly and work together to build a foundation of trust.” If you feel that your current relationship is unable to reach its full potential on account of insecure behavior, understanding the causes behind this tendency is the first step toward correcting course. Here is what causes insecurities in a relationship: 

1. Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem, coupled with a lack of self-confidence, is arguably one of the key reasons why people feel insecure in relationships. If you’ve grown up with an unshakable feeling that you’re not good enough, chances are that you will find it hard to believe that someone can love you for who you are. In your mind, you’re not good enough to be a valuable partner.

The reasons for low self-esteem, according to Juhi, can vary from being bullied in school to being raised by toxic parents who constantly told you were not good enough or being in a relationship with a gaslighting partner. Whatever the underlying reason, low self-esteem always manifests in the form of an insecure personality. That reflects in the way you conduct your relationships.

Related Reading: 12 Signs Of Insecure Women And How To Avoid Them

2. Traumatic experiences

The emotional baggage you carry from your past experiences also becomes a root cause for insecurities. Perhaps, a former partner cheated on you or constantly lied to you. Or you were caught in a toxic relationship. Maybe, you were dating a commitment phobe who kept stringing you along for a long time. All of this has left you anxious and unsure.

“You may have chosen to walk away from these unpleasant relationships,” explains Juhi, “But the emotional distress or mental trauma you lived through while these relationships lasted can become internalized to some extent. In turn, these make you insecure in relationships.”

3. Childhood experiences

Our childhood experiences are the foundation of our adult personalities. That’s why the way you were raised by your family can be one of the major relationship insecurity triggers. A person’s attachment style is governed by their early interactions with their parents. Emotional neglect or lack of affection from parents or primary caregivers can lead to the development of insecure attachment styles.

Unmet emotional needs can cause you to become needy and clingy in relationships. When your partner seeks distance and space in such a situation, insecurities begin to take hold. Clinical psychologist and developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy explains, “Insecure attachment in relationships can create cycles of anxiety and distance. Couples need to learn to recognize these patterns and work toward creating a secure emotional bond.”

4. Lack of personal fulfillment

A lack of personal fulfillment can lead to feelings of inadequacy, which can become a key cause of insecurities. For instance, if you are struggling to make peace with the fact that you haven’t been able to fulfill certain personal or professional goals, you may start viewing it as a sign of failure or incompetence. This can lead to emotional insecurity, leaving you fragile. This can start weighing on your mind, especially if you start comparing your life journey with that of others, denting your self-confidence. And a cycle of insecurities is set into motion.

5. Past heartbreaks

You may have entered a relationship in the past thinking that you’ve found your ‘soulmate’ and started imagining a life with them. However, things didn’t pan out as expected and you had to part ways. Worse still, that partner chose to end the relationship, breaking your heart into a million pieces. This can pave the way for emotional insecurity, which can be triggered in your future relationship. 

Signs Of An Insecure Person In A Relationship

From checking up on your partner constantly to getting hyper if your partner has a friendly chat with a colleague of the opposite gender, the signs of an insecure person in a relationship can manifest in various ways. Terri Cole, a psychotherapist and relationship expert, says, “Insecurity in a relationship can manifest as jealousy and control, or neediness. These behaviors are often attempts to gain reassurance but can push a partner away if not addressed constructively.”

Are you jealous when he brings up the topic of a female colleague? Do you get suspicious when she doesn’t answer her phone? These are signs of insecurity in a relationship. Juhi lists 15 more such signs to help you recognize if you’re an insecure person in a relationship:

1. Constantly checking up on your partner

Needing to know where your partner is every minute of every day impacts the relationship in a bad way. It’s your insecurity bubbling to the brim and your partner may start feeling suffocated in the relationship because you are always encroaching in their time and space. 

2. Always wanting to do things together

Do you plan your weekends with your bae? Do you also make weekday after-work dinner or movie plans with your partner? People who are insecure in relationships feel the need to spend every waking hour together. Having no sense of independence is unhealthy for a relationship and one of the tell-tale signs of an insecure person in a relationship.

3. Being upset if your partner wants to do something without you

Does your partner making plans with his friends (excluding you) make you spiral down a road of jealousy? Do you take it as an indicator that your partner doesn’t want to spend time with you? Does the concept of space in a relationship scare you? Getting upset if your partner wants to pursue their own interests, hobbies, and social life outside of the relationship suggests that you’re jittery and insecure. 

4. Your partner’s past worries you 

Curiosity about your partner’s past relationships and exes is only natural. However, it’s unhealthy if you feel insecure about their past to the extent that you

• Worry about whether they still harbor feelings for an ex
• Spend your time stalking your partner’s exes on social media
• Flip out at even the slightest possibility of contact between your partner and their ex/es 

It is all right to be uneasy about the topic of an ex. However, being jealous and letting it ruin your relationship is not okay. Your partner is with you, loves you, and has chosen you. 

Related Reading: My Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex. What Should I Do?

5. You find yourself stalking your partner’s social accounts

Oh, how easy it is to scroll through the old Instagram posts to awaken the Kraken of insecurity. Social stalking has given a new rise to insecurities. The deeper you go in their posts, the more comments you read, the stronger your insecurities get. Once, a girl commented on my brother’s Bali vacation photo. Her comment was something about how hot he looked.

When his wife read that, she went into a frenzy. There was a full-blown fight about the girl, who my brother didn’t even know. It was her insecurity that brought out her ugly side. If you experience something similar every time someone comments on your partner’s posts, you’re exhibiting signs of an insecure person in a relationship.

6. And sometimes, even snooping on their phone

You probably know it’s wrong to check your partner’s phone. You also probably know you won’t find anything to substantiate the worst-case scenarios you keep weaving in your head. Yet, insecurity in the relationship gets the better of you and you find yourself unable to resist the temptation of spying on your partner. The worst part is, even when you don’t find anything damning, you don’t feel relieved. Instead, it triggers a niggling suspicion that your partner has been covering their tracks too well. 

7. You need constant assurance that you are the one

With all the negative thoughts and emotions in your head and heart, you constantly need your partner to reassure you that they love you and want to be with you. You need validation to feel accepted in the relationship, and sometimes, even them telling you you’re the one for them is not enough. You might nod and smile, but in your head, you are already thinking of other ways to substantiate your emotions. “This is extremely unhealthy, especially when your partner is providing you reassurance,” says Juhi.

8. Other people in your partner’s life irk you 

Your partner hugs a friend, and it instantly puts you in a bad mood. They spend the weekend with their folks and you feel abandoned. They ask you to hang up because their sister is calling and it lands like a gut punch. Anyone who shares a close bond with your partner begins to irk you when you’re insecure in a relationship. If not checked in time, this tendency can become a sore spot, triggering unnecessary arguments and bickering. 

Related Reading: My Boyfriend Is A Flirt

9. You don’t like confrontation

You don’t want to have any confrontational conversations with your partner. For you, confrontation means that your relationship is headed for dooms-ville. This internalized fear can get in the way of your ability to foster healthy conflict resolution in your relationship. “As a result, small issues continue to pile up until you can no longer bottle them up, and then, it all erupts in a toxic manner. This can be far more harmful than the occasional fights and disagreements which are inevitable in any relationship,” says Juhi. 

10. You find deeper meaning in their responses

“I don’t want to go out tonight.” Something as simple and honest as that can send you into an overthinking spiral, and before long, you may convince yourself that that remark meant that your partner has lost interest in you and and your relationship is falling apart. This tendency is not just limited to unfavorable statements. 

You make the same leap to conclusions even when your partner says something nice. For example, if they say, “My mother really liked you”, you may find yourself thinking your partner is overcompensating for the fact that their mother actually didn’t like you.

11. You believe that you don’t deserve love

Insecurity leads people to believe that they are not worthy of love. This may cause them to act in ways that can ruin perfectly good relationships. Then, even failed romance becomes a testament to the internalized belief of unworthiness. If that sounds relatable, know that you need to break the pattern of such limiting beliefs to be able to foster healthy, enduring relationships. 

Related Reading: 9 Signs Of Low Self-Esteem In A Relationship

12. You have trust issues  

Trust issues are another one of the telling signs of relationship insecurity and can place your relationship on shaky ground. A little slip-up here or there, or a few actions that rouse suspicions are enough to act as relationship insecurity triggers and can lead to bigger problems. This is why a person who is insecure in a relationship and has major trust issues, always ends up pushing their partner away.

13. Struggles with intimacy and sex

Sex is one of the most wonderful expressions of love but to enjoy sex, you need to be completely in tune with your partner. Unfortunately, if insecurity clouds your thinking, intimacy will always be an issue. You won’t find it easy to give your all. Stilted dynamics of sex and intimacy are some of the most telling signs of relationship insecurity.

Related Reading: 12 Signs Of Insecure Women And How To Deal With Them

14. You panic very easily

Insecure people can feel triggered by even the most trivial incidents. They tend to panic even if they logically understand there’s no real threat. Slate, a 22-year-old budding writer, tells us, “If you’re not secure, you end up feeling paranoid. For instance, being away from my partner even for brief spells used to leave me overwhelmed with separation anxiety. And my natural tendency to be suspicious and read between the lines made me imagine scenarios where none existed.”

15. You tend to get defensive if you’re insecure in your relationship

“Insecurity can make you feel like you’re constantly under attack. As a result, you may get rather defensive and it all stems from the feeling of not being worthy enough. You project this perception onto your partner,” says Juhi. That’s why they say an insecure partner drains relationships. Now, if both partners are insecure, it’s a recipe for disaster. 

How Do Relationship Insecurities Affect You?

An insecure partner drains relationships, setting in motion an endless loop of stress, over-dependence, fights, and negativities. Juhi says, “One of the most challenging aspects of dealing with insecurities in a relationship is the unpredictability of triggers that lead to arguments. These conflicts, often stemming from insecurities, have the tendency to escalate into substantial disputes, eroding the joy inherent in a loving relationship. It’s a distressing reality that relationships tainted by insecurities, whether from one or both partners, tend to unravel swiftly.” Here are some insecurities in your relationship that affect you, your partner, and your relationship as a whole:

1. You can never enjoy the relationship

You may be spending quality time with your partner and enjoying the most beautiful romantic moments but negative thoughts will creep in and spoil them. You will never be able to fully enjoy the moment you are sharing with your partner as the nagging belief that they were perhaps lying to you or cheating on you always plays at the back of your mind. 

Related Reading: How To Get Over Insecurities After Being Cheated On – 9 Expert Tips

2. You feel unhappy all the time

On most occasions, you know that your fears regarding your partner are unfounded and unnecessary but you may find it difficult to shake off the negative feelings. It takes a lot of convincing that there is nothing wrong with your relationship. Often, the insecure person tends to go through these arguments in their head, which can be rather exhausting. 

3. Your relationship is imbalanced

Relationship insecurity impacts both the partners — the one feeling insecure who is constantly seeking reassurance, and the one at the receiving end of it. For the latter, the need to constantly reassure their partner of their love and commitment can be tiring. It leads to a situation where one person’s needs overshadow that of the other, leading to a great imbalance and lop-sided power dynamics between partners.

4. Your partner may feel stifled

If you’re insecure in the relationship, your partner may find themselves suppressing their most instinctive responses to avoid upsetting you. For instance, if you feel jealous seeing your partner chat up a particular coworker or friend, your partner may consciously avoid it in the future. Gradually, this may change the extroverted, friendly side of their personality. This can, in turn, lead to resentment in the relationship and cause more troubles down the line.

5. You may get caught in a vicious cycle

Relationship insecurities set in motion an endless cycle of explaining, over-explaining, and reassuring. This can get emotionally draining for both partners. While you may feel rejected or shunned if your need for validation and reassurance is not met, your partner may find themselves constantly wondering which action of theirs will be misunderstood and trigger insecurity. 

Related Reading: How To Stop Worrying About Your Relationship — 8 Expert Tips

6. You find it difficult to form healthy relationships

When you’re not happy in your relationship, it begins to impact other aspects of your life as well. Sooner or later, your fears or feelings of insecurity will begin to impact your professional life, your equation with your friends and coworkers, your social life, as well as your relationship with yourself. For instance, you may, 

• Not be able to deliver at work
• Get into fights with your friends or siblings 
• Find it hard to concentrate

7. Your dependence on your partner increases

An insecure person clings to their partner. Your fears lead you to believe that the only person who can complete you is your partner. However, being clingy can sabotage your relationship. You will never feel fully happy both with yourself and your relationship if you solely rely on your partner to make you feel attractive, fun, smart, or kind. If you are not able to feel these emotions yourself, then you will always end up feeling discontent.

8 Tips On How To Overcome Insecurity In A Relationship

Seeing problems when they do not exist, self-doubt, feeling like you are losing control and other such signs of relationship insecurity indicate you need to work on this issue before it takes a toll, not only on your bond with your partner but also on your mental health and emotional well-being. 

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, clinical psychologist and author, advises, “When insecurity arises, it’s important to reflect on its source. Often, it’s rooted in past experiences or fears, not necessarily in the current relationship. Self-awareness and communication are key to overcoming it.” And how do you do that? Juhi shares 8 easy, actionable tips on overcoming insecurity in a relationship: 

1. Asses yourself before and build your self-esteem

As Dr. Solomon says, self-awareness is one of the key tenets of how to overcome insecurity in a relationship. You must begin by analyzing where these feelings are stemming from. Now that you know what causes insecurities in a relationship, take the time to introspect and explore which of these factors could be at play in your case. Overcoming feelings of insecurity requires you to work on yourself, practice self-care and self-love, and boost your self-esteem. 

2. Let go of the past

Does your insecurity in the relationship stem from the fact that you had a serial cheater as your partner in the past? In that case, there is a legitimate reason for your insecurity. However, if you keep looking at your current relationship from the prism of your past, you may never be able to get past these insecurities and build a healthy bond with your partner. 

As they say, if you don’t heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you. You need to prioritize your own healing to be able to move past feelings of insecurity. Juhi advises, “Seeking professional help can be beneficial for individuals struggling with relationship insecurity, especially if your past relationships have left you insecure about love and relationships.”

3. Pursue interests of your own

One of the best tips on how to overcome insecurity in a relationship is to nurture healthy independence and individuality. So instead of looking for a couples’ cooking class or a dance class for two, find something that brings you joy without involving your partner. It is not a personal slight to your partner but more of a lesson to teach yourself to have a life of your own. Your partner is not the sun and you are not the lonely planet of the solar system. Your whole life cannot and should not revolve around him or her. 

Related Reading: How To Build An Interdependent Relationship?

4. Take a break from social media

Take a break from social media, be it Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat, if all those picture-perfect posts about happy couples and ideal relationships are making you feel like yours is not good enough. The enviable relationships on social media are not always as portrayed but your insecurity-riddled brain might not see it that way. Do yourself a favor and log out of all social media until you work through your issues and learn to manage triggers. If that’s too much to ask, unfollow a few accounts that make you feel inadequate about your relationship.

5. Confide in a friend

“Seeking support from loved ones can be helpful for individuals dealing with relationship insecurity,” says Juhi. So, go ahead and share your innermost negative thoughts with your trusted pals. Grab a bottle of pinot and vent it all out to your confidante. The thoughts that seem so valid in your head might look less so when you voice them out.

6. It’s okay to take a breather

Give your partner and yourself some space. Ask your partner if it’s okay if you don’t meet up for a few days. Take a step back and give yourself some space. Allow yourself to have a fresh perspective. Don’t think about the relationship and devote your energy to some other task. This will help you manage your insecurities and eventually get past them.

Related Reading: 5 Things Men Do To Make A Woman Feel Insecure

7. Work on breaking the loop of overthinking

If those dark eye bags are saying you spent yet another night conjuring up worst-case scenarios of how your partner may trample over your heart, it’s time to tackle the issue head-on. There is no denying that overthinking ruins relationships and fuels your anxiety for no good reason. However, from one overthinker to another, “Stop overthinking”, is the most useless piece of advice you can ever get. It’s like saying heal that broken bone. 

If you could help it, you wouldn’t want to be caught in those thought spirals. However, there are ways to manage these loops and not get sucked into them. Here are some things you can try:  

• Engage yourself in activities that require concentration 
• Try journaling 
• Meditate 
• Try techniques like progressive muscle relaxation or grounding exercises to calm your mind 

8. Be open for conversations

As an insecure person, you might not want to be in any confrontational (or controversial) topics but try and open up to your partner about the things that make you insecure. The aspects of the relationship, something that your partner did that made you insecure – things like that.

An understanding partner won’t just reassure you but try to make things easier for you as well. But while you are at it, do not make a habit of having your partner reassure you every time you feel insecure. Gradually, as you let go of your insecurity, you will experience reduced stress and your relationship satisfaction level will increase.

Final Thoughts

Learning to stop being insecure is not a magic trick. It does not happen overnight. You have to take it one day at a time to understand where it is coming from and how you can overcome your insecurities. Communicating with your partner can also be helpful in your journey of learning to deal with insecurities. Remember, don’t overthink and trust your partner and your relationship.

Darling Husband! Why Do You Suspect Me So Much?

My Outgoing Girlfriend Hates Restrictions And I Feel Insecure. How Should I Handle This Situation?

Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.