Rough patches in a marriage are not uncommon. However, if your marriage has started to seem like one ongoing storm that does not stop raging and has gotten progressively worse to the point where you’re constantly attacked, derided, and abused, you may begin to why your once-loving partner has started acting like the quintessential crazy wife.  

Now, before you go down the rabbit hole of, “Why is my wife crazy?”, we’d like to point out that crazy isn’t a term that should be thrown around causally. If you think your wife has serious mental health issues and needs help, get her some. But don’t just attribute her acting erratically to her being crazy and wash your hands off your marital issues with the declaration, “My wife is nuts!”

Of course, if your spouse has started acting in uncharacteristic ways and it has started taking a toll on your marriage, you need to get to the root of the issues. We’re here to help you do that with insights into signs, causes, and tips on how to deal with a crazy wife, backed by the advice of some of the most renowned psychologists and relationship experts.

Is My Wife Crazy? 9 Signs She Is

Everyone goes through mood swings and emotional outbursts once in a while. Saying, “My wife is mentally unstable” is not apt when she is just putting forth her valid needs, going through a rough patch, or expressing her need for some space in the relationship. Even if your wife is overreacting to situations or behaving in ways that are not typical of her, you cannot dismiss them by slapping a crazy or toxic wife tag on her.

More often than not, there is a legitimate reason for such outbursts. “When contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling become regular features of a relationship, they signal serious trouble. These toxic behaviors can be corrosive, leading to emotional volatility and relational instability,” says relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, in his famous work The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

However, if she is bossy and constantly nagging, domineering, yelling, or abusing you, then there’s a problem because a controlling wife can destroy you. Do these behaviors really warrant the conclusion, “I think my wife is crazy”? Take a closer look at the tell-tale signs of crazy behavior in a relationship and decide for yourself:

1. She constantly attacks you with her words

It started with a few taunts and some sarcasm, but it has now turned into damaging and hurtful verbal abuse in the relationship. Nothing you do is right, nothing you do is ever enough. She finds a reason to humiliate you, belittle you, or abuse you for everything you do or don’t do. It’s as if the words coming out of her mouth are solely meant to hurt you and damage your sense of self-worth.

If she is constantly name-calling, making fun of you in public, exaggerating or overstressing your flaws, and hurling hurtful, sarcastic jibes at you, then you’re probably in an abusive marriage and quite right in wondering, “Why is my wife so mean to me?” Healthy criticism is one thing, but when it takes a gruesome, sadistic tone, it becomes a problem.

Related Reading: 7 Signs You Have A Verbally Abusive Wife And 6 Things You Can Do About It

2. She’s controlling

A need for control is a tell-tale sign of a toxic wife who can act crazy. She won’t give you space to pursue your interests, meet your family, or hang out with your friends. Of course, privacy is treated like a dirty work in your marriage. If it seems like you always have to account for every minute of your time to your wife, you have a real problem, and you’ll soon need to learn how to deal with a crazy wife.

• Does she become passive-aggressive or angry if you go against her and do something?
• Does she always try to dominate every conversation or decision?
• Does she try to show that she knows best?
• Do her actions make you feel suffocated in your relationship?

Well, if the answer to all these questions is ‘yes’, then my friend, you have a serious problem. “A partner who controls every aspect of your life—whether it’s who you talk to, what you wear, or where you go—is exhibiting toxic behavior. This control is often rooted in deep insecurity and can lead to a deeply dysfunctional relationship,” says marriage and family therapist Dr. Paul Hokemeyer.

3. She’s always angry with you for something

She gets angry when things don’t go her way or if they seem to not be under control. The slightest error or mistake is enough to push her off the edge and send her into a fit of rage. Constant, unrelenting anger is another behavior pattern that can leave you ruing, “My wife is driving me crazy.” If she gets aggressive over the smallest of things or trivial issues, there is a problem. If her anger issues have begun to affect your life to an extent where it has become impossible to have a normal conversation with her, know that you’re in a toxic marriage.

4. She’s threatened to physically harm you more than once

No matter how grave the problems in a relationship, violence can never be the answer. If your wife has threatened you with physical violence or tried to physically hurt you more than once, she definitely isn’t in the right headspace and you’re not wrong to think, “My wife is mentally unstable.” If this happens or has happened to you, we suggest you get professional or legal help immediately. Staying in a relationship where there is a constant threat of physical violence can ruin your mental health. Your wife is putting your safety at risk, which is an offense.

5. She often ignores or gaslights you

Are you often met with reactions or statements like,

• “I didn’t say that”
• “I didn’t do this”
• “You’re making things up”
• “What you’re saying never happened”
• “You’re remembering it wrong”
• “Stop being so sensitive”

If the answer is ‘yes’, then you are a victim gaslighting. You’ll end up doubting yourself, thinking maybe you’re the one at fault. You’ll feel confused and helpless and end up questioning your own sanity. When you try to take a stand for yourself, your wife might just give you the cold shoulder for a few days.

The consequence of such behavior is that you don’t even know why you’re being ignored. “When a partner engages in gaslighting, constantly denying your reality or making you question your own sanity, it’s a clear sign of emotional abuse and control, often leading to long-term psychological damage,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula.

Related Reading: 20 Gaslighting Phrases In Relationships That Kill Love

6. She engages in excessive emotional manipulation

A toxic wife acting in crazy ways will not just use her words and actions to control your life but will also play mind games to manipulate you emotional. She may use guilt, shame, or emotional blackmail to manipulate you into doing what she wants. This could involve,

• Playing the victim
• Constantly twisting situations to make you feel responsible for her unhappiness
• Exaggerating situations to gain sympathy and control

7. She’s extremely jealous and paranoid

Jealousy in marriage undoubtedly takes its toll and drives a wedge between partners because it erodes the foundation of trust on which healthy relationships stand. If your wife exhibits extreme jealousy that causes her to constantly accuse you of infidelity or spying on you without any real cause, it can signal a deeper issue. This obsessive behavior might lead to invasions of privacy. She may feel like she’s entitled to check your phone or social media accounts compulsively. The exasperation of it all can drive you up the wall, ruing, “My wife is driving me crazy.”

8. She flips between love and hate

Drastic mood swings are among the classic signs of unstable behaviors. You may notice that your wife exhibits hot and cold behavior with no apparent reason behind these drastic changes in her attitude toward you. One moment she is warm and affectionate one minute and then hostile or distant the next. This indicates emotional instability and can leave you feeling confused, anxious, and walking on eggshells, never sure what will trigger her next outburst.

“Emotional volatility, where a partner swings from extreme love to extreme hate, can leave the other person feeling trapped and anxious. This emotional instability is often a sign of deeper issues within the relationship,” writes psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner in her book The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships.

9. She sabotages your success

You’re not wrong in proclaiming, “My wife is insane”, if she actively undermines your goals, dreams, or gets in the way of your growth, be it on the personal or professional front. It not only indicates a desire for control but is also a tell-tale sign of an insecure woman. Whether it’s belittling your achievements, discouraging you from pursuing opportunities, or intentionally creating problems that distract from your focus, this toxic behavior aims to keep you from thriving.

7 Reasons Why Your Wife Is Acting Crazy

It’s not easy to put up with your wife exhibit erratic or “crazy” behavior. Nor can you simply proclaim, “My wife is insane”, wash your hands off the whole thing, and go on with your life as if nothing is amiss. And you shouldn’t either because these seemingly crazy actions, while insufferable don’t take hold in a vacuum.

“When we are overwhelmed by shame, fear, or insecurity, we often respond with behaviors that seem irrational or destructive. These feelings, if unaddressed, can create patterns of behavior that harm both partners,” writes researcher and author Dr. Brene Brown in Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

So, don’t let your wife’s erratic ways make you love heart or give up on your marriage. Chances are, with the right approach on how to deal with a crazy wife, you can find a way to salvage your marriage. That journey begins with understanding where this toxic wife behavior stems from. Here are 7 possible causes:

1. Unaddressed emotional needs

Emotional neglect or an absence of emotional support can cause your wife to act out because her needs for affection, empathy, and connection aren’t being met. If she feels unheard, undervalued, or taken for granted, it can inflict repeated emotional wounds that can lead to erratic behaviors such as,

• Mood swings
• Overreactions
• Emotional outbursts

“When a partner feels emotionally disconnected or unseen, they can lash out in ways that seem irrational. The fear of abandonment and emotional isolation often drives extreme behavior in relationships,” writes clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

2. She feels stressed and overwhelmed

Even in this time and age where there is so much focus on redefining gender roles and championing gender equality, a woman’s labor is significantly more than that of a man. Many wives juggle multiple roles—mother, professional, homemaker, caregiver, etc. If your wife, too, have been juggling all these roles without sufficient support, she may feel overwhelmed by the expectations placed on her. The pressure of trying to balance everything without a break could lead her to act out. This stress might cause her to be,

• Irritable
• Anxious
• Unpredictable in her reactions

“Chronic stress from external pressures—work, parenting, financial concerns—can cause irritability, mood swings, and unpredictable behavior in a spouse. When stress is not managed, it can strain the relationship and lead to behaviors that seem ‘crazy’ to the other partner,” says relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch.

3. Hormonal imbalances

Hormones are pivotal of our mood regulation and determining our state of mind. Hormonal changes due to pregnancy, menstruation, perimenopause, or menopause can significantly affect a woman’s mood and behavior, causing mood swings, irritability, or emotional sensitivity. These changes might make your wife appear erratic or “crazy” to you.

If you’ve been wondering, “Why is my wife so mean to me sometimes?” or “Why is my wife acting out like a child?”, pay attention of whether there are any physiological changes that may be causing her hormones to go out of whack. If so, you need to focus on figuring out how to support her and not how to deal with a crazy wife.

4. Unresolved conflicts

Why does my wife snap at me over every little thing? Why is my wife so mean and bitter? Why does she always have to be sarcastic? If these are the question that brought you here, you need to explore whether there are unresolved conflicts in your marriage that may be causing your wife might to behave unpredictably.

The pent-up frustration and resentment stemming from issues like infidelity, financial disagreements, or differing values might simmer under the surface and occasionally explode. Instead of addressing the root causes, she may lash out emotionally, making her behavior seem irrational.

5. Lack of appreciation 

If your wife feels like you do not appreciate her or her contributions to keeping the wheels of your marriage and domestic life turning, she may become resentful and bitter toward you or start acting out just as a way of drawing attention to her dissatisfaction. Constantly giving without acknowledgment can lead to feelings of invisibility.

“Over time, a lack of appreciation and emotional neglect can lead to feelings of resentment and hostility,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, co-founder of The Gottman Institute. These feelings can become more excarberated if you tend to diminish her role and contributions with your words and actions like not appreciating her effort to put together a lavish spread for you on a Sunday or dismissing it entirely by saying, “What’s the big deal in that?”

6. Unmet expectations in marriage

We all go into a relationship with certain expectations, which when unmet can trigger feelings of frustration, hurt, disappointment, and confusion. Whether it’s about emotional connection, shared responsibilities, or future goals, unmet expectations in a relationship can create disappointment, leaving her feeling betrayed or misled. The disillusionment brought on by the weight of dashed hopes and unmet expecations might cause your wife to express herself in a way that seems out of character or extreme.

7. Mental health issues

Mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, or even conditions like borderline personality disorder, can make someone’s behavior appear erratic or irrational. If your wife is struggling with untreated/undiagnosed mental health issues, her behavior may fluctuate wildly, leading to misunderstandings and conflict. It’s important to approach such behavior with empathy and seek professional help if necessary. Don’t use statements like “My wife is mentally unstable” to descredit her or treat her condition as taboo.

9 Tips On How To Deal With A Crazy Wife

If everything we’ve discussed so far seems relatable, there is no denying that your wife’s behavior is causing troubles in your marriage. However, this does not mean your relationship is doomed to fail. If things haven’t gotten to the point of physical or emotional violence yet and you want to salvage the relationship, there are a few things you can do to deal with the situation.

We won’t sugard coat it for you. It’ll be hard to turn your controlling wife into the lovely person you married. So, buckle up and read on to find out what you can do to pick up the pieces and prevent further damage to your marriage. Here are some actionable tips on how to deal with a crtazy wife:

1. Try to be the emotional anchor in the marriage

The first thing you can do when try to make things work with a wife who’s been acting crazy is to not get down to her level. If your partner isn’t having her finest hour, you need to step up and be the pillar of support she can lean on. If she can’t breathe, calm her down. If she can’t remain calm, diffuse the situation the best you can. You need to fix the situation, not match her energy. When you let yourself become as angry as she is, the result will be a ‘who screams the loudest’ match where nobody wins.

It won’t do either of you any good if you just roll your eyes and mutter under your breath, “My wife is nuts!” when she’s in one of her moods again. “One partner must always act as the emotional anchor in a relationship. When emotions escalate, you can choose to de-escalate by being calm, understanding, and present. This helps create safety and security in the relationship,” writes renowned relationship expert and author Dr. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Commit to making the relationship the best it can be

If you can’t find solutions at the moment, compromise. If respect is nowhere to be seen, give it. When every day feels like a battle, keep fighting. We know it is easier said than done. But when you have a resolute mindset, the possibility of fixing your marriage goes several notches higher.

Tell your wife you’re not giving up on this relationship and that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. You won’t get back to the honeymoon period, but who knows, maybe you’ll reach a deeper sort of love? Also, you never know, your wife might strive to become a better version of herself after seeing the amount of effort you’ve been putting in to make the marriage work. She might turn into the wife who goes crazy for her man.

3. Don’t let the relationship slowly die

“I think my wife is crazy. I’d rather just avoid talking to her till it blows over.” Don’t approach the problem with this attitude because it’ll get you nowhere. Problems, when left unchecked, only get worse. Once you realize that the relationship needs work, get on it immediately. It’ll do neither of you any good if you’re always telling yourself, “My wife is nuts.”

Don’t wait around for things to get easier or better on their own. They won’t until you make them. If your seems to be getting worse, you need to think about how you can help her feel better. Don’t wait for her to reach a tipping point because there’s no going back from there. You need to do your bit to bring the situation under control instead of aggravating it by throwing about words like crazy, insane, or demented. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot? You wouldn’t want to be treated this way, would you?

“It’s essential to continuously invest in your relationship rather than let it stagnate. Small efforts, such as listening attentively, showing appreciation, and making time for each other, can prevent the relationship from withering away,” says relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch.

Related Reading: 7 Expert Backed Ways To Help A Depressed Wife

4. Try to find out why this is happening

Communication helps every relationship. When both partners have a constructive dialogue, they get one step closer to figuring out the reason behind the fights or the so-called craziness. So, make an effort to get to the bottom of where her behavior is stemming from.

• Is she insecure?
• Does she have anxiety?
• Is she expecting too much from you?

Figure it out, and work toward fixing it because if you don’t, it’ll ruin your mental health and peace of mind and, eventually, destroy your marriage. “Honest communication is key in any relationship, but it can trigger defensiveness. While being honest is necessary, it’s also important to brace yourself for emotional responses and not let them deter you from the truth,” says psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner.

5. Be honest, but expect some backlash

Assuming that your wife has become completely irrational, it’s entirely plausible that she’ll get angry at you if you express your feelings or try to explain your point of view. We’re sure it’s the most annoying and infuriating thing ever for you, making you wonder, “Why is my wife so crazy?” But why not shift your perspective and approach this issue with the objective of solving it. Talk to her when she’s in a good mood, ask her to express herself honestly, and make sure she hears your side too.

6. Don’t indulge in self-pity

“Why is my wife crazy? Why is this happening to me? I’m not even allowed to express my emotions.” These are common thoughts that, we’re sure, might be going through your mind. You’re human, you’ll feel sad. If your wife says hurtful things, it will upset you. It’s normal to feel that way.

You’re allowed to feel sad or upset or angry, but don’t let these emotions persist or get the better of you if you intend to make the marriage work. Don’t pity yourself. If you allow yourself to remain in a melancholic state of mind, things will get harder to accomplish. Even if you have to fake it, put on a smile and keep the bus moving. 

Related Reading: A Good Marriage Is About Supporting Your Partner

7. Don’t run away

The temptation to abandon the crime scene (read: bedroom) and cool off alone might sometimes get overwhelming. Sometimes, if you leave the argument in the middle, you won’t achieve anything. All your effort will go down the drain. In fact, you might just end up worsening the situation. But the other times, it’s better to take a step back and cool off before facing each other again, this time with calm and rationale.

As we mentioned earlier, you have to display a level of patience that is at par with the Dalai Lama’s. Wondering what to do if your wife goes ‘crazy’? Don’t abandon her. Try to fix the argument before you go to sleep. Don’t let it linger on like a cancer rotting the relationship from the inside. Cut it out and throw it away. You’ll be able to sleep better and not wake up with that heavy feeling sitting on your chest.

8. Ask for respect and ye shall receive!

When you hear your partner out, get to the bottom of what’s bothering her and try to work on it all while remaining cool. It’s only human to want the same level of respect back. Let your partner know that you’d like to be treated with the same respect you give her.

The importance of respect in a relationship cannot be overstated. Your wife must realize this simple fact. A relationship without respect will seem claustrophobic and toxic, with the disrespected partner feeling belittled and abused. When respect flows both ways in a relationship, communication will get easier and so will the mood at the dinner table. And isn’t that something that everyone deserves?

9. Get professional help

Don’t shy away from seeking professional help if things go out of control. A professional therapist will be able to help both of you reach a place of happiness and contentment in the relationship. If you communicate with your wife the need to get professional help, it might just change the fate of your marriage for the better.

“Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness but of strength. Therapy offers a neutral space to explore the why behind the behavior and to foster mutual respect and understanding,” says psychotherapist Esther Perel.

Constantly dealing with thoughts like “Why is my wife crazy?”, , or “What is wrong with my wife?” can be frustrating and overwhelming. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a marriage counselor or a psychotherapist for help. Enroll yourself in couples therapy. God knows you could use some help. Putting up a display of so much patience must have really gotten to you by now. If you’re stuck in such a situation, Bonobology’s panel of licensed and experienced therapists is only a click away.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with your wife can be hard, but it starts with simple steps like not calling her crazy. The more you keep saying it, the less room you leave for trying to constructively work things out. It’s possible that she is not able to understand what she is going through. Calling her crazy, especially at this point, is selfish and insensitive. If you think you can keep your cool and work through your problems, love deserves everything you can give it.

Jump in with both feet, don’t look at the mountain you have to conquer, take it one day at a time. If your wife is going through a rough time, it means she needs you more than ever. She needs your help, but she doesn’t know she needs it or know how to ask for it. Step in and do what’s required. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Remember, love is patient, love is kind. Love always perseveres.

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