When you thought of the future as a little girl, you likely never pictured dating a married man who is unhappy in his marriage, right? Like most people, your life plan probably involved a healthy, wholesome relationship with someone who is available and committed to you. But life is rarely the fairytale we imagine it to be. And relationships often come in all sorts of convoluted forms. 

The question is, what next? How do you navigate going out with a man who’s married? How do you make sure the affair doesn’t blow up in your face? If you’re wondering how to date a married man successfully, we bring you some ways of dating a married guy without getting hurt.

Emotional wellness and mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada (certified in Psychological and Mental Health First Aid from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the University of Sydney), who specializes in counseling for extramarital affairs, breakups, separation, grief, and loss, also offers insights into the psychology of dating a married man.

Why Are Women Attracted To Married Men?

Interestingly, a study has proven that married men are far more attractive to women than single men, with 90% of the respondents admitting to being interested in men who were thought to be ‘taken’, while only 59% expressing interest in pursuing men who were thought to be single. So, what is it about married men that attracts single (or married) women so much? Is it their status or demeanor? Is it their confidence?

A study about human mate choice and the wedding ring effect states, “The probability of a female choosing a particular male increases if he has already been chosen by other females. Recently it has been suggested that mate-choice copying could be an important aspect of human mate choice.” What are the triggers for this mate-poaching instinct? Here are a few reasons why married men are deemed to be more attractive than their single counterparts: 

• The illusion that they are better than single men: Often, women who are tired of the frivolous single men in the dating market and the hook-up culture find married men more attractive, owing to their proven ability to commit 
• They are financially secure: Married men are thought to be more financially secure than single men, as they maintain their families (wife and kids)
• The lure of the forbidden fruit: It’s believed that the more unattainable a person seems, the more attractive they seem, and this contributes to married men’s appeal 
• As an ego-booster: Many women may flirt with married men to see how they respond and feel good about themselves if they flirt back. This may have nothing to do with their willingness to pursue such men but it may just be an ego-booster
• Just for the thrill: The thrill of getting intimate or having kinky sex with a married man is also a factor that drives many women to pursue them

Related Reading: When To Walk Away After Infidelity: 10 Signs To Know

Now that we understand what attracts women to married men, we know that falling for one is a very real possibility. You start enjoying talking to a married man, spending time together, be it at work or as friends, and before you know it, you’re secretly yearning for him. What should you do in a situation like this? Let’s find out.  

Dating A Married Man – 15 Things To Know

So, you are dating a married guy and can’t really see yourself with anybody but him. The fact that he’s married and already has a family does not bother you or stop you from being with him. You’re enamored, charmed, and smitten. But there could be a problem. While falling in love doesn’t happen according to plans, you can try and protect yourself from being taken advantage of.

Plus, no matter how much in love you are, it’s best to keep your expectations realistic. You need to look at it practically and not through rose-tinted glasses. In short, being smart is key to dating a married man successfully. And to help you to be able to do that, here are 15 things you need to know when dating a married guy: 

1. You will never be his top priority 

Whether you’re in a texting relationship with a man who’s taken, where you’re constantly connected virtually and share every little detail with each other, or have a full-blown sexual affair with him, know that you may never be the top priority for him. You will inevitably start feeling like an option to your “partner”. Loving a married man is hard because: 

• He will disconnect your call or stop texting the moment his wife walks into the room 
• He will cancel on you if she needs him to be with her
• You will most likely be forbidden from calling/texting at certain hours of the day 
• He may even consign you to the “blocked contacts” list just to be safe 
• You can’t count on him to be by your side even when you need him the most
• His presence in your life is contingent on the circumstances at his home

Related Reading: The 3 Types Of Men Who Have Affairs And How To Recognize Them

2. The relationship can be fraught with insecurity 

No matter how deeply in love you are, the fact that he is not all yours and he is deceiving his life partner to be with you is bound to play at the back of your mind. Even in your happiest moments together, there is going to be an undercurrent of uneasiness and relationship insecurity that can trigger doubts and questions, like: 

• What if there are other women in his life? 
• What if he is still in love with his wife? 
• What if he is using me for sex? 
• What if he is happily married and is with me just for the thrill of the experience? 
• Will we ever have a future together?

3. It can be a lonely experience 

Being in a relationship with a married man can be an extremely isolating experience. This is because:

• You won’t be able to count on him to be with you when you want or need him to be
• Chances are that your dating life will revolve around his availability and all your plans will hinge on whether or not he can get away from home or make time to be with you without arousing suspicion
• You may not have the freedom to reach him as and when you like, whereas he will. This can make the relationship feel codependent and lop-sided 
• Since you’re with a man who’d want to keep the relationship under wraps for obvious reasons, you may not be able to talk to your friends and loved ones about it

Keeping all those fears and insecurities bottled up and pretending to go about life like it’s business as usual can be extremely agonizing. 

Related Reading: 11 Common Reasons People Cheat In Relationships

4. It’s not wise to pin your hopes on a future with him 

Before you get too close to a married man, give yourself a reality check on what this equation amounts to. It is an extramarital affair and the thrill of tasting the forbidden fruit has likely played a part in bringing you both together. Brenda, a software executive who was dumped by a married man she was dating, says, “No matter how much you love each other, breaking up a marriage and tearing apart a family is never easy. When push comes to shove, the scales tilt in the favor of the spouse more often than not. So, don’t go into this relationship expecting a happily ever after.”

5. Even if you do have a future, it may be challenging

Even if your love triumphs and the man you’re with leaves his wife for you, you can’t expect your life together to be a bed of roses. This is why:

• The divorce may impact your relationship with your partner
• You may never be able to fully trust each other, because if he could cheat once, what’s stopping him from doing it again 
• Societal judgment too will get to you
• Having to step into the role of a step-mom if there are children involved (who may hate you for breaking up their parents’ marriage) will be a challenge
• The struggle for acceptance as his wife among his friends and family will make you lose your sanity

6. Do not trust him blindly 

Yes, trust is a crucial component in any healthy relationship. However, when you’re going out with a married man, you must take everything he says or does with a grain of salt. Whether it is about the state of his marriage, the future of your relationship, or his tall claims of being blindly in love with you, don’t trust him blindly or you’ll risk exposing yourself to being manipulated. 

Likewise, be cautious about sharing intimate pictures and videos or engaging in sexting with your affair partner. You don’t want to end up in a situation where your affair partner uses these as leverage to get you to continue the affair without giving you what you seek from the relationship. Being mindful of such consequences of an affair with a married man will go a long way in helping you protect yourself.

Related Reading: 9 Reasons Cheating Husbands Stay Married

7. Be prepared for judgment 

Dating a married guy can feel exciting and exhilarating, as long as it stays under wraps. However, such transgressions have a way of coming to light, and when they do, you must be prepared to deal with a lot of judgment and criticism, not just from people in his life but also from your loved ones. From being called a home-wrecker to being treated like an outcast, the backlash can manifest into psychological effects of being the other woman that can dent your self-esteem and leave you emotionally wounded.

8. You may feel guilty about ruining his family

It’s not just your own life that is impacted by your decision of going out with a married man. It will impact his family too. And you may feel guilty about your part in it. Here’s why:

• Every time you’re together, you may not be able to shake off the image that there is another woman out there to whom this man has sworn his love and loyalty
• If there are children involved, the baggage of possibly tearing apart a family can get heavier

“Family and marriage are often the most integral aspects of one’s life and they offer an unmatched sense of security. Being the person who gets in the way of that cannot be easy,” says Pooja. 

Related Reading: In Love With A Married Man? 11 Signs He Will Leave His Wife For You

9. You won’t know the truth about his marriage 

Have you heard him say any of the below-mentioned statements? If yes, do you know if he’s speaking the truth? Watch out if he says:

• “My wife and I have grown apart over the years.”
• “I’m trapped in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids.”
• “I still care about my wife, but I don’t love her anymore.” 
• “She doesn’t get me like you do.” 

A woman who gets into an affair with a married man often makes the mistake of accepting such sob stories at face value, even if her intuition tells her otherwise. The best thing to do in situations like these is to remind yourself that this is the oldest tale in the cheaters’ playbook. 

The state of his marriage is likely a whole lot better than he makes it out to be. Even if it’s not, his wife cannot be the only one to blame for it. Use your judgment to assess the veracity of his stories, and don’t trust him blindly. Likewise, if he is vague about his relationship with his wife or his views on the future of your relationship, take it as the red flag it is. 

10. He likely won’t leave his wife 

In loving a married man, don’t hold on to unrealistic expectations about the future of your relationship. No matter how earnestly he promises that he wants to build a life with you or says that he is fully committed to you, take it all with a pinch of salt. The ground reality is that he has a whole life with his wife — interwoven families, social circles, and finances, not to mention children and a household — and he likely won’t throw it all away for an affair. 

According to research, only 5% of people who cheat leave their spouses for their affair partners. That’s just the grim reality of getting into an affair with a married man. So, tread carefully and think long and hard before becoming too emotionally invested in a married man. 

Related Reading: How Are Most Affairs Discovered — 9 Common Ways Cheaters Are Caught

11. The relationship can take a toll on your mental health 

Loving a married man can take an immense toll on your emotional well-being and mental health. Here’s why:

• He is married and already committed to someone else 
• He will toss you aside whenever his wife or family needs/wants him
• The social stigma of being the other woman can be hard to bear
• The feelings of insecurity and jealousy you’ll feel will make you lose your sanity
• The helplessness of not being able to proclaim your relationship will be tough to deal with
• The loneliness of living like a single person when you’re going out with a married man can be devastating

It can all get too overbearing too quickly. If you get too attached or deeply involved, all of this negativity can trigger issues such as anxiety and depression, besides leaving you grappling with low self-esteem. 

12. You have to be honest with yourself 

There are no defined rules for sleeping with a married man or getting romantically involved with one. There is no guide or blueprint to help you navigate this situation. Your best bet at protecting yourself is to be honest with yourself at all times. Don’t be in denial about the reality of your situation or turn a blind eye to the obvious red flags in your relationship. 

To be able to protect yourself and still continue loving a married man for as long as it works for you both (if that’s what feels right to you right now), you need to ask yourself some tough questions: 

• What is the best possible outcome for this relationship? 
• How likely is it that you can achieve it?
• Do you see yourself together in the long run? 
• Are you still attracted to other men or does he feel like ‘the one’? 
• Does he feel you’re ‘the one’? 
• How long can you continue being his affair partner? 
• What is the worst-case scenario in this situation? What are the odds of it coming to pass? 
• How prepared are you to end things if you need to? 

The answers to these questions will give you a fair deal of clarity on how to navigate this relationship while protecting yourself and limiting the emotional damage it may cause. 

Related Reading: The 7 Types of Affairs and How They Affect Relationships

13. He’s probably in it for the sex

You can be in denial, but the fact remains that many married men date single women not for the emotional relief but for the sexual high. Yes, we all know that evolution has made men programmed to spread their seed, and that makes them willing to experiment with a lot of women. 

A friend of mine, Lisa, was dating a much-married man for a few months. He eventually left her saying he loved the intimate moments he had spent with her but had to be with his wife, as she had been diagnosed with a severe illness. Now, Lisa had no clue whether he was lying about his wife, but she was sure he wasn’t lying about the sex bit. To save yourself from a similar situation, you need to introspect: would you rather be someone’s sexual high than the love of someone’s life? 

14. He will probably never fall in love with you

We’re not saying he isn’t attracted to you, but when you’re dating a married man with kids, it’s unlikely that he will fall for you. It’s simply because his emotional needs are probably being catered to by his wife and children. So, accept the fact that he’ll never fall in love with you. He could probably be in an affair with you because:

• He has fallen out with his wife temporarily
• His sexual needs aren’t being met 
• He isn’t feeling appreciated by his wife
• He needs to boost his male ego

And none of it is related to him being in love with you.

Related Reading: Do Affairs That Break Up A Marriage Last?

15. The power dynamics are in his favor

Here is what happens when you’re dating a man who’s married:

• You’re getting ready for a date at the scheduled time, but he cancels the date last minute stating that his wife isn’t well
• You can’t call him all the time and he only talks to you according to his whims, because he doesn’t want his wife to find out about you
• You are not supposed to text him without sending a coded message first, so that he can send you a signal that all’s clear

See, with all such restrictions from his end, it’s clear that he rules the power play. Be aware that you don’t have a say in the relationship, really.

How To Date A Married Man?

Dating a guy who’s married is no walk in the park. The trials and tribulations far outweigh the gratification. Alas, sometimes, we cannot see reason and race headfirst into situations that cause us pain. Even if your close friends or loved ones have warned you about the consequences of an affair with a married man, you may find it hard to pull back or end things. 

However, no matter how much you love him, the fact remains that he is taken and this is a relationship where you stand to get hurt. “You must find ways to not let this connection, no matter how exciting or fulfilling it feels right now, consume you. That’s where dating a married man rules come in, says Pooja. Now that you are in a relationship with a married man, don’t fret. Here are a few rules for sleeping with a married man and still retaining your sanity:

Related Reading: 7 Ways To Handle A Married Man Flirting With You

1. Take it slow and set boundaries

When you start talking to a married man every day or spend your day texting back and forth, it may be difficult to ignore the sexual tension building up. “Taking things slow at this point can be immensely beneficial. It will give you time to get to know him better,” advises Pooja. 

You will get time to judge whether his feelings for you are real or if he is just bored in his marriage and is using an affair with you just to spice things up a bit. For that, you need to set some clear boundaries, such as: 

• Even if it is just hugging, or kissing, do not give him the leeway to expect physical intimacy in any form without connecting with you on an emotional level first
• Ensure the relationship is not just about sex 
• If he tries to coerce your consent, put your foot down and let him know that it’s not acceptable 
• State your expectations and boundaries clearly right at the onset so that there is no room for ambiguity

If he seems interested only in sex, you need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible (unless you too want a strictly sexual connection). Know that eventually, it will hurt less if the relationship ends because your goals don’t align or because you see the warning signs. 

 You must find ways to not let this connection, no matter how exciting or fulfilling it feels right now, consume you.

– Pooja Priyamvada

2. Observe if you have any non-sexual chemistry with him

A major factor in determining whether dating a man who’s taken is the right choice for you or if you should continue your relationship with him is to assess if you have any chemistry with him other than the sexual attraction drawing you to one another. Ask yourself: 

• Is he fun to be around when you two are not being sexually/physically intimate? 
• Do you feel comfortable around him? 
• Can you confide in him? 
• Do you share the same values and principles? 
• What about his lifestyle? Is it compatible with yours?
• Can you spend time together outside the bedroom?

Answers to questions like these will help you understand how to date a married man successfully without it being all about sex. After all, how long can a relationship last if it’s based just on sexual chemistry or sexual compatibility? 

“People only think of romance as physical love. However, it does involve a lot of humor, camaraderie, and more. If you’re unsure about the future of your relationship with a married man, the ability to have a great time together, other than sex, can be a good scale to measure how well-suited you are as partners,” says Pooja. 

Related Reading: Leaving Marriage For Affair Partner

3. If he tells you he will divorce his wife, ask him when

As far as dating a married man rules go, you absolutely cannot ignore this one. If he has been telling you that he is stuck in a miserable, loveless marriage and cannot wait to divorce his wife to be with you, don’t just fall for these sugar-coated promises. 

Ask him for a timeline and the precise details of his plans to exit his marriage. If he dilly-dallies, know that he’s probably in it to have a good time for the short term. If that’s not what you’re looking for, consider this a major red flag in your relationship. Plus, you will also have a checkpoint to see whether his responses are in line with your priorities.

4. Don’t let him take advantage of you

Don’t let him use your feelings and emotions to his advantage. Many women fall into the trap of the sob stories married men tell them to get what they want. Don’t be one of them. 

“To make sure the married man you’re dating does not take advantage of you emotionally, sexually, or financially, you must put in place and enforce healthy relationship boundaries right from the beginning. Don’t let anyone tell you that boundaries are not healthy in a relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth and anyone who maintains that line of thought is likely out to manipulate you,” Pooja advises. Boundaries in the relationship simply mean stating your non-negotiables. For example: 

• I expect you to not go without communication, no matter the circumstances 
• You cannot expect me to drop everything and be with you just because your schedule cleared up 
• I expect you to make time to see me once/twice a week (or whatever frequency works for you) 
• You will not block my number. I expect you to trust me to not intrude on your time at home 

Related Reading: Confession Story: How I Dealt With Having An Affair With My Boss

5. Keep your options open and meet other people

So, you love this married man. You feel he is the one. He finds you irresistible. We get it. But you cannot overlook the fact that he has a life beyond you and a full one with work, a spouse, children, and friends. Why should you put your life on hold just because you’re going out with a man who’s taken? It’s vital that you live your life to the fullest. So, here’s what you should be doing:

• Keep meeting new people
• Do not cut off your friends
• Be open to the possibility of dating other people

Don’t let anyone tell you that boundaries are not healthy in a relationship.

– Pooja Priyamvada

Love him, and cherish the time you spend with him, but don’t shut your mind to the fact that there are a lot of kind, generous men out there who can give you the kind of relationship you deserve. Unless you are okay with being the other woman for life, it would not be wise to have him as the ‘only’ person in your life. 

How To Stop Dating A Married Man

Continuing to date a man who’s married is challenging in ways more than one. Maybe all the secrecy, sneaking around, the lies, and his unavailability beyond a point is starting to get to you. Given this emotional turmoil, you are trying to figure out a way to get detached from a married affair partner. How do you go about it? Here are a few tips to stop dating a married man:

1. Introspect

The first thing you should do if you’re trying to stop dating a man who’s taken is to ask yourself certain questions:

• What made you date him in the first place? 
• Are you happy being his second priority?
• Will he ever leave his wife or does he seem to be lying?
• Don’t you wish to have a family of your own someday?

If the answers to these questions point at the fact that you shouldn’t be dating a man who’s married, you will find the resolve to end things with him.

Related Reading: 20 Myths And Facts About Cheating In A Marriage

2. Ghost him

Yes, ghosting is an evil of modern dating. However, in situations like these, ghosting in the relationship may be the only option to end things without losing your sanity. My friend, Candice, was three months into a relationship when she realized she was dating a married man with kids. Once questioned, the man said he didn’t reveal he was married because he didn’t want to lose her. Though he promised he wasn’t close to his wife and was seeking a divorce, Candice felt she had been cheated. So, she just cut him off one fine day. It wasn’t easy, but she had to do it.

3. Believe in love again

Yes, you may have been dating a man who’s taken and one who hardly makes time for you and also often lies to you about his intentions, but you’re too precious to be on his backburner. So, ditch the psychology of dating a married man and be your own savior. Believe that you deserve the love that you crave and start dating single men again. Take the steering of your life in your hands.

Related Reading: Expert Weighs In On Dangers Of Reconnecting With An Ex While Married

4. Focus on nurturing self-worth

We’re not saying every woman who dates a married man lacks self-worth, but more often than not, such extramarital affairs happen when single women are at an emotional low or are struggling with their self-worth. So, start nurturing your self-esteem by self-development. Here’s how:

• Start doing things you love, such as reading, painting, and gardening
• Take up a new hobby and explore your hidden talents
• Join book clubs or art clubs and start interacting with people there

5. Seek the right support

When you feel lost and are trying to find a way out of a toxic extramarital relationship with a married man, try to speak to close friends and family members. Seek their perspective on the issue. Sometimes, when we’re too scared to take that leap of faith, a little nudge from a third party can be of immense help. 

In addition to this, it can also be beneficial to seek professional help. A skilled mental health professional can help you uncover the underlying issues/factors that caused you to gravitate toward a married man, and work on them, which, in turn, makes snapping ties and moving on much easier.  If you’re in need of help, certified, experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you. 

Related Reading: Confession Story: How I Dealt With Having An Affair With My Boss

Final Thoughts

So, you see how complicated dating a guy who’s married can be. It can get worse if you’re a married woman in love with a man who’s taken. So, you should follow the dating a married man rules strictly.

Keep in mind the reality and make a conscious effort to stop yourself from getting pulled in too deep. Even if a married man and you are made for each other and he is truly the ‘one’ for you, he has to be legally single for your connection to transform into a real, meaningful relationship. You cannot be dating a married man forever. You have to put yourself first.

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