Thinking of dating a man with kids but not sure if it’s right for you? Or already dating one and wondering how to navigate the relationship without overstepping your bounds? Your concerns are not unfounded. Dating a man with kids can be tricky and certainly different from your usual dating experiences in many ways. However, it’s not uncommon. According to a survey, 92% of single women are open to dating single dads, with 55% being “very open” to the idea.
If you handle the dynamics right, it can even blossom into a fulfilling and rewarding relationship. The question is, what does “handle the dynamics right” entail? We’re here to help you understand the rules for dating a man with a child in consultation with emotional wellness and mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada (certified in Psychological and Mental Health First Aid from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the University of Sydney), who specializes in counseling for extramarital affairs, breakups, separation, grief, and loss, to name a few.
Is Dating A Man With A Child Worth It? Pros And Cons To Consider
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When you find yourself drawn to a single man with kids, while your heart may be skipping a beat, your mind might instinctively focus on the red flags when dating a man with a child. And every logical strand in your being will try to convince you that going down this road may be a bad idea. After all, whether you’re dating a single dad with full custody or dating a co-parenting dad, his parenting responsibilities do complicate things.
So, your relationship insecurities are not unfounded but those inhibitions shouldn’t hold you back from following your heart. Who knows, a love story of a lifetime may just be waiting to unfold. All you need is to figure out how to accept this part of his life without resenting him for it or putting your own needs on the back burner. To be able to do that, you first need to make an informed choice about whether dating a man with a child/ren is the right choice for you. What better way to do that than by relying on a good old-fashioned pros and cons list:
| Pros | Cons |
| If you like children, this relationship can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life | You may struggle with thoughts like, “My boyfriend puts his child before me”, and feel like you never come first for your partner |
Men with children are consistent and stable; they consider messing around a waste of time | You may feel like a third wheel in your own relationship, as you try to find your place in established family dynamics |
| He won’t be a clingy/obsessive partner | You may struggle with insecurities about his feelings for his baby mama, especially when dating a co-parenting dad |
| He won’t rush into a relationship, so you can truly work on nurturing your connection, taking things one step at a time | Whether you’re dating a single dad with full custody or just a single dad who feels overwhelmed with all that he’s got going on in his life, the stress may spill over on to your relationship and take a toll on your mental health |
You can expect him to be sensitive to your emotional well-being (since raising children is likely to have made him more in touch with his soft side) | It may take him some time to integrate you into his life and figure out how much he wants you involved in his child’s life |
As the relationship progresses, you’ll feel lucky to be with a guy that can balance anything – household chores and a job, parenting and a career | Lack of alone time is one of the disadvantages of dating a man with a child/ren |
21 Things To Know About Dating A Man With Kids
Perhaps, there is a single parent whom you’ve known a long time (a friend/coworker), and have been finding yourself drawn to him of late. Or, you have connected with someone on the dating scene—thanks to online dating, social media, or a friend’s recommendation—and they lead by telling you that they have children. You like him enough to want to take a leap but just don’t know how. You’re wondering, “Should I even be dating a man with a child?” If so, how? Keep these 21 things about dating a single father in mind, and you’ll sail through.
Related Reading: 12 Tips To Be A Successful Single Mother
1. His children come first ALWAYS
So, this man has been upfront with you about the fact that he has a child/children and you choose to date him anyway. Know that one of the first rules for dating a man with a child is to set and manage your expectations realistically. Pooja says, “If you’re wondering what to expect when dating a man with a small child, know that the responsibilities and emotional attachment of a single parent are very high. Raising children single-handedly takes a lot of quality time, space, and effort.” No matter where you both are or what you’re doing, if his children need him, he will leave everything at the drop of a hat and rush to be with them.
What to do
You have to accept that for him, his children will come first, ALWAYS. To not let it become a source of contention between you two,
- Don’t pick a fight if he has to cancel a date or leave midway because his children need him
- Be supportive and understanding of his responsibilities and limitations
- Don’t compete with his children for his time and attention. Instead, work on building your relationship around his parenting responsibilities
2. Dating may not be his priority
Leah, a nurse practitioner, was dating a man with kids and feeling left out. Her partner was a senior doctor at the same hospital. Between the demanding nature of his job and responsibilities at home, he hardly had any time to devote to Leah. That bothered her to no end initially but she gradually began coming to terms with the fact that even though he wasn’t able to prioritize dating, it wasn’t a reflection of how he felt about her.
What to do
When dating a guy with kids, you have to be mindful of the fact that it just may not be practical for him to put everything aside to go on dates with you or spend all his time with you. But you can compensate by taking the initiative to plan dates or come up with spontaneous plans so that you can have as much quality time together as possible. At the same time, make sure that you text and talk on the phone often when you can’t be physically together.
3. You won’t make it to the inner circle easily
Whether you’re dating an older man with grownup children or dating a man with a kid in your 20s, it won’t be easy for you to be introduced to and accepted into his inner circle, comprising him and his children. He will be cautious about introducing you to his child/children and involving you in their lives. Perhaps, to some extent, you will always be somewhat of an outsider.
Pooja says, “You have to understand the situation from the perspective of the kids. Accepting that the only/primary caregiver in their life has found someone else can be threatening to them. They may fear that you, the new partner, may try to replace their other parent. This insecurity can be very real, irrespective of whether the other parent is present in their life or not, and could become a cause for conflict.”
Linda, who is dating a divorced man, shares with us her experience, “My boyfriend has a child from a previous relationship. Meeting his child for the first time was no cakewalk for me. But gradually, I realized both of them were doing everything to welcome me with open arms. When a guy is patient with you, you don’t mind going on a playdate.”
What to do
It is undoubtedly hard to wait for your partner to truly integrate you into his life. However, if you see the situation from his perspective, you will realize that he is not wrong in wanting to take his time to introduce you to his children and make you a part of his life. If you’ve just started dating, he could be waiting to see how things work out between you two before taking that leap, and that’s completely understandable.
- Do not pressure the man you’re dating to introduce you to his children
- If his reluctance to introduce you to his family makes you insecure, talk to him about it. Share your feelings and try to understand his perspective
- Do not give ultimatums
Related Reading: How To Take It Slow In A Relationship? 11 Helpful Tips
4. Patience helps when dating a man with kids
From canceled dates to unreturned phone calls and messages, there will be many moments of disappointment. Given how much he has on his plate, what with managing a full-time career and parenting responsibility, it can be hard for him to make time for you, especially spontaneously.
What to do
Patience is your biggest strength in navigating the complexities of dating a man with parenting responsibilities. To not let the disappointment of dashed hopes and disappointments take a toll on what you have with him, you must
- Take a moment to put yourself in his shoes before you react or blow your top
- Remember that if he is on the same page as you or you feel that you have a strong connection with real potential, all the patience will be worth it in the end
- Keep yourself busy with ambitions/hobbies so that you don’t spend all your time waiting around for him
5. You won’t have to worry about mind games
If you’re starting to feel like this relationship is just bad news, think again. There are many upsides to dating a guy with kids. One of them is that you’ll never have to worry about him playing mind games just to control the narrative of the relationship. He won’t:
- Disappear just to make you miss him
- Manipulate you with hot-and-cold, push-and-pull dynamics
- Make you feel jealous or insecure
What to do
When the man you’re dating is trying to be his authentic self and doing his best to build a connection with you, you must meet him halfway and steer clear of playing mind games yourself. For instance, if he hasn’t been able to text you back or meet you for a couple of days because his child was sick, don’t give him the silent treatment or soft-ghost him just to give him a taste of his medicine. Instead, be genuine in your interactions with them. It’s okay to share your disappointment about canceled plans or tell him that you miss him, but it’s also important to offer support and make the most of the time you do have together.
Related Reading: Single Vs. Dating – How Life Changes
6. He will be sensitive to your needs
A man who is a hands-on parent will be surprisingly sensitive to your needs and will always treat you with kindness. Raising his child/children and doting over them all these years will definitely have polished his sensitive side.
That alone makes being with him worth all the effort you’re putting in to keep the relationship afloat. If you’re also a single parent, this is one of the unmistakable benefits of being with a single dad. Since he is in the thick of the parenting rigmarole, he will not only be understanding of your compulsions and commitments as a parent but also your children’s needs.
What to do
Tap into his sensitivity to fortify your connection with him and lay the foundation for a strong, enduring relationship
7. The other woman factor
If you’re dating someone with kids, it goes without saying that there is bound to be a mother in the picture. In case they are divorced and you’re dating a co-parenting dad, he and his ex will talk and spend time together every now and then. Even if you’re dating a single dad with full custody, you cannot rule out the possibility that he still has some kind of connection with his baby mama aka ex. On the other hand, if she is deceased, you may feel her presence in your life even though she is not physically around.
What to do
Whatever the specifics of the situation, feeling like the other woman or dealing with one can make you territorial, insecure, and jealous. Process these emotions the right way to not let them hamper your relationship or wreak havoc on your mental health.
- Talk to your partner about his children’s mother early on and understand the kind of equation they share
- Assess if that’s something you can make peace with before getting too invested emotionally
- Ask your partner to be open and honest about his interactions with his ex, so that there is no room for suspicion and misunderstanding
- If you feel insecure and jealous, work on those feelings. While you can share your feelings with your partner, remember the onus of resolving them is on you, not him
8. He will give you stability
It’s very easy to get hung up on relationship red flags when dating a man with a child, but if you look closely, it has its fair share of green ones too. A relationship with a man who has children may not be the most spontaneous or passionate but you can count on it to be a stable one because of the following reasons:
- This man is mature and settled in his life. He knows what he wants
- Since he has gone back on the dating scene, he’s ready to turn over a new leaf
- He has chosen you to be his partner in this journey, means you’re special to him
What to do
Don’t go looking for dating single dad red flags by placing every little aspect of your relationship under the microscope. Instead, focus on the fact that he has chosen to be with you because he wants to, and drown out all the other noise.
Related Reading: Dating After Divorce – 15 Things You Should Know About
9. He may be rusty at romance
If you’re dating a divorced dad, chances are that this may be his first rodeo since he donned the single dad hat. He may hesitate to express his feelings toward you. He may struggle with something as simple as saying “I love you”. Pooja says, “Sexual intimacy and privacy can also be affected when you’re dating a man with a kid. If the child is young and is still co-sleeping with your partner, making room for intimacy can be hard. Even if the children are older, being intimate with your partner, especially when you’re in his house or once you start cohabitating, can be awkward.”
What to do
You have the ability to change your romantic life by showering him with love and affection to a point where reciprocation comes organically to him. Look for creative ways to make room for intimacy and romance. Here are some ideas:
- If you’re dating a co-parenting dad, spend quality time together on days the children are with their mother. Use this window of opportunity to not only keep the romance alive but also the sexual spark sizzling
- If you’re dating a single dad with full custody, consider investing in a reliable babysitter/part-time nanny whose care he feels comfortable leaving his children in to make room for date nights and romantic rendezvous (at your place)
10. He may not have dealt with women in a long time
If the man you’re dating has been in the thick of parenting single-handedly for a long time, he may not have interacted with a woman intimately in a long, long time. His home may well be a boy’s pad and he might just be totally clueless about a woman’s needs and expectations. Even the most predictable things like a woman getting a little edgy and moody while PMS-ing can catch him off guard.
What to do
Well, you’re just going to have to rewire his outlook, slowly and steadily.
- Don’t expect him to read your mind
- Be open about your needs and wants
- Communicate with him to set expectations
- Talk, discuss, ask each other questions, open up, be vulnerable
11. Your man comes with emotional baggage
A marriage/relationship that didn’t work out. Losing the love of his life. A casual hook-up that culminated in his partner getting pregnant. Whatever the story, you have to prepare yourself for the emotional baggage. Not to mention the gnawing feeling of not doing enough. So, tread around these trigger points carefully and be empathetic when dating a single father.
Carlos, 35, says, “After I started dating Matthew, I knew he was hiding a wound from the past. He never opened up about his ex-wife. I didn’t even know if she was alive or not. I was patient for a long time but this mystery was eating me up on the inside and one day, I snapped. What he revealed was beyond my expectations. His wife was with her lover on the day they met with a car accident and she passed away shortly after.”
What to do
Emotional vulnerability may not come easily to a man who has crashed and burned before. So, you must:
- Be patient with him, allowing him to open up at his pace
- Let him feel that you’re his safe space
- Don’t prod and pry if he feels uncomfortable talking about a particular subject, especially about his ex/former partner/baby mama or his children
12. He may not tell his kids about you instantly
While dating someone with kids, you might notice his lack of enthusiasm in telling his children about you. And this can be bothersome because you’re not wrong in expecting to be a part of his life. But if you see the situation from his perspective: he wouldn’t want to disrupt his children’s lives until he is sure that this thing you’ve got going is rock solid. And that’s completely justified.
Pooja says, “Since my partner and I both had children from our previous relationships, we understood this conundrum perfectly well. To make the transition smooth for them, we meticulously planned outings where our kids got a chance to interact with and get to know each other without the pressure of their parents dating. Once a certain rapport was established, only then did we tell them about our relationship.”
What to do
An important rule for dating a man with a child is to never rush him into making the decision of when to tell his children about your relationship. Follow his lead, offer support, and wait.
Related Reading: What Does Dating Mean For A Man?
13. His kids may not like you
Since they are children and to their innocent minds, you may seem like the intruder who is taking the place that once belonged to their other parent, the onus of breaking the ice the right way is on you. And of course, your partner.
What to do
“One way to ensure that you don’t get off on the wrong foot with his children is to not make them feel excluded at any point, in any way. This new relationship should not make the children feel insecure or threatened,” advises Pooja. In the initial stages of your interaction with them, it’s important that:
- Spend time with them doing the things they enjoy
- Plan activities where kids can be actively involved
- Include them in conversations
- Work on building a rapport with them, independent of their father
14. He may have too many obligations
It’s pretty obvious that leisurely time may be a luxury for him. But it helps to check how much of a luxury. Before you get too emotionally invested, take the time to reflect on the following questions:
- Can he take out at least a couple of hours over the weekend or midweek to be with you?
- Will he be able to call you at least once a day and speak at length?
- Can you communicate through regular texts?
- Is he open to setting certain ground rules for dates, calls, and texting while dating?
If not, then this person may be too unavailable to have a relationship with. No matter how desirable he seems in the moment, things won’t pan out well in the future.
What to do
Before you jump in with both feet, go out on a few dates, and during this time, assess if he has the time and space for a real relationship in his life. If not, part ways before you’re in too deep.
15. He may want to take things slow
When you’re ready to say “I love you”, he may just be getting comfortable telling you that he likes you and cares about you. The thing about dating a single father is that the baggage of his past relationship and the reality of the present can make him a tad too cautious. As we said before, patience is your best friend if you really want this to work.
What to do
Before taking the plunge, you must introspect on:
- Should I date an older man with a child if I am in a hurry to commit to someone, or even marry?
- Why do I want this relationship?
- Am I dating him for the right reasons?
If, upon introspection, you’re convinced that he’s right for you, be prepared to take things forward at a pace that you’re both comfortable with. Check in with each other and take stock of where you’re both at, emotionally. Open and honest communication is the only way to move past these small hurdles you may face when dating a single father.
Related Reading: 21 Expert Tips For Couples Moving In Together
16. Moving in together can pose challenges
Something as simple as moving in together can become a challenge when your partner has kids. They have to be on board with the plan. Once you do move in, you will have to make adjustments in your routine and lifestyle to accommodate the needs of his children. You have to think through the financial implications of this decision, such as the impact of his existing financial obligations on your shared expenses, the cost of vacations involving children, college fund, and other expenses.
What to do
Do not make the decision to move in together lightly or in haste. Consider the impact on his children—when they make space for you in their life and if it doesn’t work out as you had hoped. Take this step only when you’re 100% sure that you’re in it for the long haul, no matter the challenges.
17. You have to build a relationship with his children
“Meeting his kids for the first time can be overwhelming. If you assume the role of a parent from the get-go, it might send out a message that you’re trying to erase the other parent’s place in their life, which can backfire. The correct approach is to engage with the children as you would if they were any other friend’s kids. Slowly, build a bond and connection with them,” says Pooja.
What to do
Yes, you may find guys with babies attractive. But dating a single dad is a totally different experience altogether. You need to handle the whole get-to-know-his-children phase with caution. Here are some safe topics of conversation to break the ice and get the kids to warm up to you:
- What is your favorite cartoon/music band/show (depending on the age of the child?
- What is the worst food in the world?
- Rate your day on a scale of 1-10; 1 being awful and 10 being the best day ever
- What is new at school these days?
Once you establish a rapport with them, acceptance will follow. As long as you’re kind and compassionate, there is a good chance that his children will not only warm up to you but you may also go on to have a beautiful relationship with them.
Related Reading: 12 Simple Tips To Build Healthy Relationships
18. You have to adapt to their traditions and routine
Say, the man you’re dating spends Sunday morning playing soccer with his child. Or they both spend weekends going on treks. Once you become a part of their lives, you will be expected to be a part of such routines. If the kids feel that their father is abandoning family time for your sake, they may start resenting you for it. That can open a can of worms and lead to a lot of unpleasantness.
What to do
You can prevent the situation from turning messy by simply including his children in things to do as a couple. You have to make room for family outings, picnics, and movies, in addition to your date nights and quality time as a couple.
19. PDA may not be welcome
Let’s say, you’re having dinner with your boyfriend and his children. And he says or does something that makes your heart skip a beat. Your first instinct may be to kiss him and tell him you love him or find him adorable. But you have to think about how this will go down with his children. They may feel uncomfortable with such gestures. This means you’ll have to learn to rein in your most instinctive reactions around them.
What to do
It’s best to limit displays of affection to your private space when you’re still getting to know your partner’s children. Once you’re all more comfortable in each other’s presence, you can test the waters by holding your partner’s hand or hugging him in front of the children and see how they respond.
Related Reading: Exclusive Dating: It Isn’t Surely About A Committed Relationship
20. He may not want marriage or kids
A man who is already a dad may not be open to the idea of getting married and having any more children. What if that’s something you really want for yourself? Naturally, this will become the undoing of your relationship at some point.
What to do
You need to have conversations about how he envisions his life to be. Yes, it can seem premature to bring up these topics when the relationship is still new and no commitments have been made. But it will stand you in good stead to clear the air at the onset by asking the right questions about marriage and children to make sure that you’re both on the same page.
21. Your friends and family may not approve
It may be the 21st century and all that, but there is still a stigma attached to dating a man with children, especially if you’re single. Expect some unpleasant reactions from friends and family members. They may not approve of your relationship or suggest that you find someone who is in the same place in life as you. If you’re already debating whether dating a co-parenting dad or a single dad is a good idea or not, such reactions can add to your confusion.
What to do
Listen to your heart and follow your gut. If you’re convinced that you and your man belong together, don’t let other people’s opinions hold you back. At the same time, remember that your decision may strain your ties with the people closest to you, even if temporarily. You have to be prepared to deal with it.
FAQs
1. What to expect when dating a man with a child?
Dating a man with a child or children can be a different experience in many ways. Unlike other single guys, he may not have the bandwidth to make you the center of his world, as is typical in the early days of dating. But if despite his responsibilities and limitations, he is making the effort to build a relationship with you, it means he feels a strong connection with you and thinks there’s potential for you two to be together for the long haul.
2. What is the advice for meeting a boyfriend’s children?
Meeting your partner’s child for the first time can get overwhelming. It helps to first meet and work on establishing a rapport with them, and then reveal your relationship. You must also remember to not take on the role of a parent-figure in their lives. Instead, try to be their friend and confidant. Most importantly, at no point should the children feel excluded or that you’re trying to take their father away from them. The goal should be to make them see that you’re trying to fit into their life and not disrupt it.
3. What does it mean when a man introduces you to his child?
Meeting your boyfriend’s kids is a clear indication that he sees a future with you. He wouldn’t want to disrupt his children’s lives by bringing in someone new until he is sure that this thing you’ve got going is rock solid and lasting.
4. Is dating a man with a child worth it?
Not everyone can pull off relationships with kids involved. If he adds stability to your life and if you don’t mind embracing his family as yours, that’s your green signal. Finding a man worth keeping is difficult. So, hold onto him. Before you jump in with both feet, make sure there are no red flags such as being emotionally unavailable or still being hung up on his ex.
Key Pointers
- One-on-one time might suffer if you have a boyfriend with kids
- If you really want to get with someone who has children, you have to tread with patience and sensitivity
- Don’t make him feel obligated to introduce you to his kid
- Stability/lack of mind games is one of the benefits of dating a single father
- If it feels right, don’t let societal stereotypes or your own inhibitions stop you from dating a guy you really like – kids or no kids
Final Thoughts
Finally, if you’re dating a man with children and struggling to make it work, know that it’s totally natural. As far as the complexities of relationships go, this one ranks quite high in the order. But, if you feel in your gut that this is the right choice, don’t let the effort needed to make it work or societal prejudices get in the way.
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