Are you in a romantic relationship but something feels off? So much so, that you’re not even sure whether what you have going on can be classified as a relationship because the loop of on and off seems never-ending. You’re unclear about where you stand with your supposed partner or what you mean to them. The relationship leaves you riddled with self-doubt and insecurities. We hate to break it to you but you may be dating a player.
I speak from experience when I say being with a player can plunge you into a bottomless hole of uncertainty. They will keep stringing you along, leaving you confused about what their deal is. This cycle continues for as long as you don’t recognize the red flags and learn to protect yourself. That said, finding a concrete answer to, “Am I dating a player?”, is never easy.
The player you’re with will make sure of it by sending you all sorts of mixed signals and messing with your head. While it may not be easy, it’s not impossible either. You just need to remember that the devil lies in the details. So in this article, let’s look for all the details that will help you protect your heart from getting skinned. These will help you recognize the player’s signs and learn how to play a player.
How Do You Know If You Are Dating A Player?
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Perhaps, the person you’re with is taking things forward too fast for your comfort on the physical intimacy front and not showing any progress on the emotional front. This can leave you feeling used, conflicted, hurt, and unfulfilled. You may even find yourself wondering, “Is he using me?”
The only way to find out is to explore, what is a player? A person who shows just enough interest in you to keep you hooked without committing or giving any clarity on where the relationship is headed is a player. The romantic relationships that involve players usually involve breadcrumbing, which might leave you feeling confused all the time.
This person may have a wandering eye for someone else while still keeping you as a backup plan. All of this can be crushing and seriously dent your self-esteem. So, before we figure out how to play a player, let’s understand how they operate. For that pay attention to these 5 tell-tale signs he is a player:
Related Reading: What to do when you’re in a relationship with a womaniser
1. Their actions and words don’t correspond
As they say, “There is a message in the way someone treats you.” If they’re playing you, things a player will say to you would be completely in contradiction to what they end up doing. My ex, for instance, would always say that I am his special person but would almost inevitably stand me up. He’d either conveniently forget about any plans we had made or be too busy to honor them.
If I picked a fight with him over canceling yet another date or not giving me enough time, he’d apologize profusely and promise to make it up to me. Except he never did. There was a voice in my head telling me, “These are all signs he’s using you”, but amid all the mixed signals he was sending my way, I didn’t heed to it until the damage was done. If your relationship too is a vicious cycle of dashed hopes and broken promises, know that your partner could be a player.
2. It’s all sexual to them
Yes, intimacy is a key component of a serious relationship. But intimacy isn’t just about the action in the bedroom. There are different forms of intimacy between romantic partners. In holistic romantic relationships, each of these is nourished to some extent.
However, for a player, your entire dynamics is centered on sex. If you’re together, they can’t wait to get down to it. If you’re texting, the conversation inevitably swerves toward sexting. There is no effort or willingness to get to know you.
Even their compliments to you have sexual overtones. For instance, they’re more likely to say. “You look hot” or “You’re so sexy” rather than “You’re beautiful” or “You’re smart”. These are tell-tale player’s signs.
Related Reading: Negging – How To Spot It In Dating And Get Away
3. Your relationship is under wraps
Is he using me? Am I dating a player? You can be sure you’re if you’ve been together for some time yet they haven’t introduced you to their friends or family. Even the people in their innermost circle may not be aware that you two are together.
My ex, for instance, was always hesitant about being seen with him in public. He especially steered clear of places where we could run into his friends or coworkers. Of course, his family had no idea about my existence even though we dated for more than three years.
Likewise, a player won’t befriend you on social media, like to be seen in public with you, or invite you into their life. They do this to make sure that snapping the chord is easy when they’re done with you and ready to move on.
4. They’re emotionally unavailable
One of the signs he is a player or she is playing you is that they’re the quintessential emotionally unavailable partner. These people want to maintain a safe distance despite being ‘romantically’ involved with someone to eliminate the scope of any feelings taking hold on their side.
If they close up and become distant at the slightest hint of emotional intimacy or say things like, “Don’t look at me with those lovelorn eyes right after sex,” be warned. If you don’t take a step back and protect yourself, you will be left ruing, “He played me.”
5. You don’t know where it’s headed
My ex never said the ‘L’ word in the three years we were together, and whenever I so much as broached on the ‘where is this going?’ conversation, he’d literally disappear for days altogether and then suddenly start talking again. I later realized that this is one of the most clear player’s signs.
A player is a quintessential commitment-phobe. No matter how long you’ve been together, you will never be able to say with certainty that you know how this person feels about you. That’s because they never let it on. Due to this, you may never know with certainty what to make of your relationship. You may even find yourself caught in an on-again-off-again relationship with a player.
Related Reading: 13 Ways To Make Him Realise Your Worth
15 Rules To Date A Player And Not Get Hurt
Being in a relationship with a player is immensely exhausting and frustrating. They fake commitment and feelings, stomp all over your heart, and move on without flinching. The feeling of chasing or being chased all the time can leave you gasping for air. But even with all their flaws, players have an intrinsic charm to them. Even if it’s momentary, they do make you feel like you’re the most special person to them.
That charm makes them irresistible. So, it won’t be out of the ordinary to want to continue seeing this person even after you see all of the screaming signs. Amy, a reader from New York says, “I recently realized that the guy I have been seeing for the past few weeks is a player. I was pissed at first, but then the thrill of the game took over. I kept asking myself — What type of woman does a player fall in love with? Players can be good people underneath the playing, right?”
If that’s the case, you need to learn how to date a play without getting hurt. That’s what these 15 tips are meant to help you with:
1. Don’t be in denial
If you want to continue dating this person without getting hurt, you need to be able to see this ‘relationship’ for what it is. Don’t brush aside the red flags staring you in the face or the signs he’s using you/she’s playing you and fool yourself by believing that this person cares about you.
They will have a seemingly legitimate reason for not treating you right every time. Excuses would be the most frequent among the things a player will say to you. So, you must learn to recognize this pattern, and use it to accept the reality of your relationship.
2. Treat it as a ‘cheat’ relationship
No, by ‘cheat relationship’ we are not suggesting that you start cheating on your partner to get back at them. We’re saying that the best way to go about it is to treat this relationship like you treat a cheat day in your diet. You eat junk food knowing fully well that it is not good for you because it is so sinfully delicious.
Go ahead and date a player by all means if you want to but without losing focus on the fact that they’re not good for you. Treat this as the ‘junk food’ of romantic relationships. You will be able to have a good time without getting your heart broken.
Related Reading: 8 Types Of Boys One Should Avoid While Dating In College
3. Know that it’s them, not you
One of the vital tips to protect yourself is to humanize and not demonize them. Unless the person is a sociopath, no one desires to be in meaningless, unfulfilling relationships. The fact that the person you’re with tends to self-sabotage their romantic partnerships indicates that this player persona is their defense mechanism to safeguard their own emotions and feelings.
My ex, for instance, experienced a crushing heartbreak when his fiance cheated on him and that got in the way of his ability to be emotionally invested in a relationship. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that he did what he did to protect his feelings.
So, when you see them acting in ways that make you feel horrible about yourself, don’t lose sleep over, “What do I lack?” or “What am I doing wrong?” Remind yourself: it’s them, not you.
4. Don’t attach meaning to their sweet gestures
Once you know that your partner is a player, stop looking for hidden meanings in their words and actions. The things a player will say to you will make you weak in your knees if you’re not careful. A player may occasionally do or say sweet things, making you feel as if you’re in a real relationship. They may even do it without any ulterior motives. Perhaps, they were feeling those things in the moment.
You might find yourself fiddling with questions like:
- He texted me first. Does that mean he is missing me?
- He said he really likes me
- What kind of girl do players fall for?
Rest assured that they will fall back to their typical ways sooner or later. So, it’s in your best interest to not attach meaning to any out-of-the-ordinary gestures, if your partner is a player.
5. Be in it for the fun
Don’t get involved with a player with the objective to fix them. Or lose sleep over thoughts like, “I can feel my boyfriend acting distant but says he loves me. What can I do to make this relationship better?” Instead, if you accept the game for what it is, you’ll have a much better time. Let’s see what are the positives of being with a player:
- Excitement
- Passion
- Spontaneity
- Unpredictability
To live this experience to the fullest, let go of your inhibitions and just soak up the fun. Keep your conversations lighthearted and fun, channel your sensual side, flirt, do, and say things that you wouldn’t dream of in your wildest fantasies. This is a relationship based on and driven by intense sexual tension. You must treat it as such to avoid getting hurt.
Being in a relationship with a player can help you let go of your inhibitions and unlock sides of your personality that you didn’t even know existed. Embrace that aspect of your relationship to evolve as a person.
Related Reading: 22 bad habits that ruin a relationship
6. Keep your expectations in check
When you’re with a player, they can at best give you a superficial relationship. Consistency, emotional intimacy, love, affection, and healthy relationships are beyond their capabilities. Being mindful of this fact will help you keep your expectations in check and make it easier to date a player.
If you expect a player to indulge in pillow talk or answer any deep relationship questions, you will get nothing but disappointment. On the other hand, if you give them a booty call at 2 am, rest assured you’ll find them knocking at your door as soon as possible. So, know what a person is capable of offering and set your expectations accordingly.
7. Set boundaries
Set emotional boundaries for yourself. This is vital to protect your feelings and sense of sanity. Or you’ll be left lamenting, “He played me.” When you realize that you’re in a relationship with a player and want to continue going down that path, be very clear on how much you’re willing to let them in.
Showing them your vulnerable side or putting your feelings for them out there will only leave you crushed and hurt, not to mention a little embarrassed and slighted. No matter how much you want it, the other person just won’t reciprocate. It is better that you create a set of boundaries that help you feel safe in this dangerously chaotic game.
Here are a few examples of boundaries you can set. You could say:
- I need complete transparency in our interactions
- Consistency matters to me; I need to know I can rely on your words and actions
- My emotional well-being is a priority, so respect and clear communication are non-negotiable
- I expect mutual respect; any form of manipulation or game-playing is unacceptable
8. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with
One of the key signs he is a player is the undying thirst for sexual escapades. To a point, where you can’t shake off the feeling that they’re in it just for the action. In all likelihood, they’re. And so should you be.
But even when it comes to having some unbridled fun and earth-shattering action, you shouldn’t do anything that you’re not comfortable with. Let’s say, they ask for nudes while sexting, put your foot down and say no if you’re not comfortable with it. Or you’re getting together and they suggest a threesome. By all means, say no in no uncertain terms if that sort of thing is not your jam.
9. Play by your own rules
The player may be a pro at the dating game but that doesn’t mean that you have to always play by their rules. To deal with this situation without getting hurt, the best thing to do is to come up with some rules of your own and make it clear that you expect them to honor these.
For instance, if spending the night together is too intimate and relationship-like for you, put a no sleepovers policy in place. Or make it clear that saying ‘I love you’ to each other is a no-go territory.
Related Reading: 10 Red Flags About The Person You Are Dating – Based On How They Treat Other People
10. No tit for tat
When you’re dating a player, there will always be moments where you feel hurt and betrayed no matter how high you raise the walls to protect yourself. When that happens, steer clear of a tit-for-tat policy.
Let’s say you learn that the person you’re dating has slept with a friend of yours. Even if you know that your relationship has no future, this sort of thing is bound to sting. And hard. Do what you need to process the hurt you’re feeling but under no circumstances must you end up sleeping with their friend just to get even.
This will not do you any good but will definitely mess up your headspace, sending you spiraling down the path of unhealthy relationship patterns.
11. Know when to move on
This thing you’ve got going with a player isn’t going to last forever. At any point, if you feel that the experience of dating a player has run its course or you start getting emotionally attached to them, don’t hesitate to pull the plug.
You mustn’t wait around for the player to call it quits. In fact, it is recommended that you take that call whenever you feel ready to avoid being caught in the web of no closure. Here are a few indicators that your stint with the player has run its course:
- You’ve realized you need a deeper emotional connection and stability, which you can’t find in this relationship anymore
- You deserve someone who prioritizes you and matches your commitment, and it’s clear you are on different pages
- You’ve grown and now seek a relationship built on mutual respect and trust, rather than uncertainty and games
12. Prioritize personal growth
Instead of asking, “What type of woman does a player fall in love with?”, and then trying your damnedest to be that woman, focus on your personal growth and development. Players are often charismatic and can draw you into their whirlwind lifestyle, but don’t let that distract you from your own goals and aspirations. Spend time with yourself and make time for your hobbies, career ambitions, and personal projects.
Pursuing your passions will not only help you stay grounded but also remind you of your worth outside the relationship. Additionally, personal growth can be a source of immense satisfaction and confidence, helping you deal with any emotional turmoil that might arise from your chaotic relationship with a player. Remember, the relationship should complement your life, not consume it.
13. Maintain a strong support system
When involved with a player, having a strong support system of friends and family is essential. These are the people who can offer you a reality check, provide comfort during tough times, and remind you of your value. Discuss your relationship dynamics with trusted friends or family members who can offer objective advice. Here is how it’ll help you:
- They can help you see things from a different perspective and make informed decisions
- Surrounding yourself with people who care about you can also counterbalance the instability that often comes with dating a player
- They can provide you with a stable and loving environment
14. Practice emotional detachment
One of the most effective ways to protect yourself is to practice emotional detachment. This doesn’t mean being cold or unkind but rather maintaining a healthy distance emotionally. Keep your heart guarded and avoid getting too invested in the relationship. Enjoy the moments you have without planning a future together.
This mindset can help you appreciate the fun and excitement without expecting long-term commitment. It’s a way of reminding yourself that this relationship is temporary and helps prevent unnecessary heartache when the relationship inevitably ends.
15. Stay true to your values
Finally, it’s vital to stay true to your core values and principles. Dating a player can sometimes push you into situations that challenge your moral or ethical boundaries, whether it’s being asked to compromise on your standards or engaging in activities that don’t align with your beliefs.
It’s easy to get swayed by the charm and allure of a player, but remember that your integrity and self-respect should never be compromised. Staying true to yourself will not only make you feel better about your choices but also ensure that you don’t lose yourself in the process of dating someone who may not have your best interests at heart.
Infographic On How To Play A Player
Knowing how to play a player is crucial when you’re determined to engage with someone who embodies the player persona. Firstly, it helps you safeguard your emotional well-being. Players are skilled at manipulating emotions and often leave a trail of broken hearts. By understanding their tactics, you can create emotional barriers that protect you from unnecessary pain and disappointment.
Secondly, it empowers you to maintain control over the dynamics of the relationship. When you’re aware of the game, you can set or at least manipulate the rules. This puts you in a position of strength, ensuring that you don’t get blindsided by their unpredictable behavior. Or be left losing sleep over “boyfriend acting distant but says he loves me” mixed signals.
By playing a player, you can enjoy the excitement and spontaneity they bring without losing yourself in the process. It’s about balancing the thrill of the experience with the wisdom of knowing your boundaries.Here are a few tips that can help you beat them at their own game:
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is a player in dating?
A person who shows just enough interest in you to keep you hooked without committing or giving any clarity on where the relationship is headed is a player
2. What makes someone a player?
A person may take on the player persona as a defense mechanism to safeguard their own emotions and feelings. Perhaps, they experienced a crushing heartbreak in one or more of their past relationship and now want to do everything they can to protect their feelings.
3. Does a player ever fall in love?
It is common to ask yourself — “What kind of girl do players fall for?” Especially if you’re in it to fix him. Although it is unlikely, the possibility of a player falling in love cannot be ruled out completely. However, love won’t be easy for a player. So even if they do fall in love, they may not act on their feelings.
4. How can you know if you are dating a player?
You know you’re dating a player when you can see the player’s signs. If the person keeps sending out mixed signals, leaving you confused about how they feel. They will be emotionally unavailable and the relationship will be primarily a sexual one. A player will also do everything to keep that fact they’re dating you hidden from the world, and not make you a part of their world.
Being in a relationship player probably is on the opposite extreme of having a secure healthy relationship. But it sure can stir in a lot of thrill and excitement in your life as long as you don’t get too attached.
Key Pointers
- Recognize and accept the red flags of dating a player, and set clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being
- Treat the relationship like a temporary, fun experience without getting emotionally attached or expecting long-term commitment
- Maintain personal growth, a strong support system, and stay true to your core values while navigating the relationship
- Practice emotional detachment, stay one step ahead, and be prepared to walk away to avoid getting hurt by the player’s manipulative tactics
Final Thoughts
Interestingly, a lot of our female readers write to us asking, “What type of woman does a player fall in love with?” It is hard to answer that, but maybe the right question could be, “Can I be a part of this game without letting it break me?” If you think you can do that, go ahead and play the player who’s trying to play you.
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