What To Do When An Ex Contacts You Years Later

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Perhaps it was a two-week fling, a mutual breakup, or an old partner who ghosted you out of nowhere. No matter what the scenario is, it will take some time to settle your thoughts when an ex contacts you years later. While you tactfully avoid tapping on the notification, it can throw your whole mojo off-balance.

If it was a nasty breakup and you still have some resentment toward this person, you will have to fight the urge to not curse them out loud. If the person ghosted you leaving you in dire need of closure, you might feel tempted to ask them why. Just the prospect of talking to an ex after years is bound to give you a lot of anxiety.

A host of questions must be bothering you to the core: Why do exes come back after leaving for someone else? My ex and I are talking again, can this lead to something more complicated? With the help of consultant psychologist Jaseena Backer (MS Psychology), who is a gender and relationship management expert, let’s figure out the reasons why your ex contacts you years later and what you can do to cope with this mysterious text.

What does it mean when an ex contacts you years later?

Table of Contents

Reconnecting with an ex could feel extremely overwhelming if you had a strong connection with them in the past. What is their intention? Is there any ulterior motive? To handle an ex coming back with dignity, you should ponder on all the probable scenarios of why would an ex contact you years later. The most harmless case might be that your ex-partner is just checking up on you—to see how you are doing in life. This is a possibility if you ended the relationship on good terms.

A bitter possibility may be that they couldn’t handle the happy, successful life you are leading. So, they are back to mess with your head, bring back all the memories, and stomp your progress. Maybe they are still holding grudges against you and decided this is the right time to serve the cold dish of revenge.

Let’s not lose sleep over only the unpleasant prospects. When exes come back after years, there could be a rosy side to it too. Perhaps they feel genuinely guilty about hurting you so badly and can’t find their peace until you forgive them. If the apologizing part of the plan goes well, they might even express their willingness to get back together. So how exactly do you respond to this situation? Let’s find out.

8 Things To Do When Your Ex Contacts You Years Later

Maybe you thought you’ve made your peace with whatever happened with your ex. Perhaps you thought you’d completely moved on, but their one little text has turned your life upside down, reminding you of all the good times that you didn’t even know you had buried away.

Before you type out an elaborate text asking for an explanation, pause and think about your life right now. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and giving them attention when your present life is fulfilling isn’t really worth it. When an ex contacts you years later, take a few minutes to think about the consequences of talking to them again.

Related Reading: I Don’t Trust My Boyfriend – 9 Probable Reasons And 6 Helpful Tips

“When dealing with an ex coming back after years, how you take it, how you feel about it, and how you react to it will all pretty much depend on how well you have healed from it,” says Jaseena, “If the ex had exited without closure or ghosted you, you’re probably going to be in a whirlwind of emotions when you receive this text.

The bitterness, anger, and disappointment buried deep down may rear their ugly heads when this text lights up your screen. But if you’ve received an adequate amount of closure after breaking up with them and actually have been able to move on, it could be easier to respond or even ignore the text.“ To help you out, we have jotted down these 8 points to ponder on before you decide to reply to that text.

Related Reading: 9 Reasons You Miss Your Ex And 5 Things You Can Do About It

1. Think of yourself first

“When an ex contacts you, it is important to understand that you can choose to not respond to them. You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that it’ll be too rude to not reply. If you don’t want to reply, you don’t have to and you frankly shouldn’t. And if you do respond, make sure you can do so in an indifferent manner,” says Jaseena.

Think about your life right now. Do you like how your life looks without your ex? If your ex and you had a very on-again-off-again kind of relationship, do you think bringing that back into your life is a healthy decision? Your obligation toward your ex has ended, and it is alright to think of yourself first. If the relationship with your ex left you in a therapist’s room last time, it is wiser to leave them in the past instead of getting stuck on “Why did my ex contact me after 20 years?”

On the flip side, the reasons why your ex contacts you years later can be different if things ended on a good note. Maybe you both ended things mutually and somehow stayed out of touch for years, and your ex just wants to check in on you. In that case, having a quick chat on Instagram won’t be such a bad idea. But remember that even reconnecting with an ex after 20 years can haunt you with memories. So, before making the decision to respond, think of yourself first. Ask yourself, “My ex contacted me after 10 years and I am in a different part of my life right now. Do I want them to be a part of it?”

Related Reading: 25 Bedtime Stories For Girlfriend

2. Take your time before replying

“When exes come back after no contact, it startles you for a second. My ex contacted me after 2 years and I couldn’t help but respond immediately to ask her what she wanted. She said, “Wow, instant reply. It’s almost like you’ve been waiting for me.” The humiliation I felt after that made sure I never texted her back again,” Aaron, a construction manager, shares with us.No matter how you both ended things, try not to respond to the text immediately, even if it’s a lazy Saturday afternoon and your only entertainment is your cat licking her own fur. Instant replies hint at either interest or an unfulfilling life – and even if both might be true, don’t let your ex pick up on that. This is not about playing mind games, it’s about knowing if you really want to restart a conversation with a person who you have dated, and ended things with, in the past.

When Your Ex Contacts You Years Later — Take your time before replying

3. Don’t overthink

When the ex comes back, remember not to rush into anything and not over-indulge. If they have written, “Hey! Long time. How have you been?”, don’t jump to any extreme conclusions about what the text means.

Jaseena tells us how to put a lid on overthinking. “If you’ve healed, you’re not going to overthink too much. If you’re looking to get them back, your imagination must be running wild. The only way to stop overthinking in this situation is by either ignoring the message or giving a very indifferent response, which says that your ex doesn’t matter to you anymore.” It’s easy to indulge an ex when you still have lingering feelings toward them. But don’t rush into setting a coffee date for a catch-up.

Related Reading: 9 Reasons Ignoring Your Ex Is Powerful

4. Talk to someone about it

Derek, this guy who lives in my building, often shares his life stories with me as we cross paths in the hall. Yesterday, he said, “My ex contacted me after 2 years and we are talking again. I am still not sure if it’s a good idea. So, I am trying to find someone to talk to, who will be unbiased toward my situation. Perhaps you could lend me an ear?”

When you get a text from an ex, all you’re probably thinking about is what they want. Tell a close friend/family member that your ex is trying to reach you. Getting an outside opinion from someone can help you get an objective perspective on the situation. If your breakup ended badly, this person can remind you of your ex’s toxicity and stop your form texting back. But if you’re reconnecting with an ex after 10 years or so, where things had ended on friendly terms, they might be texting you out of a sense of nostalgia and friendliness. Won’t hurt to text them back if all’s forgiven and forgotten.

Things to do when an ex contacts you years later — 8 things to do when an ex contacts you years later

5. If you have a partner, think of them as well

Your current partner might be aware of what went down between you and your ex. And if you are in a serious relationship, it is always a good idea to loop your partner in on the little developments on the ex-front. Even meeting an ex after 10 years or longer can effectively spell doom for your present relationship if you just assume your partner will be fine with this. You should be able to talk to or meet whoever you want, but keeping your partner informed in this regard is wise. It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future.

Related Reading: 15 Clever Ways to Turn Down An Ex Who Wants To Be Friends

6. Keep your expectations in check

“The expectations are usually running wild when you have not moved on completely. You might end up immediately assuming things like: “Is this a new start to our relationship? Will things be better now?” The best way to handle this is by understanding the fact that sometimes a text is just a text,” says Jaseena. Since you can never really know why they contacted you, you shouldn’t make assumptions about anything. For all you know, they’re just asking for their hoodie back.

Riley shared with us, “Yesterday I received a text from my ex boyfriend. You’d think I would be able to keep my cool reconnecting with an ex 10 years later. But no, as soon as the notification came, my mind was filled with questions and possible scenarios. Turns out he was just texting another riley and messaged me by mistake.”

7. Don’t go looking for closure

Elena, one of our readers from Los Angeles, was still trying to move on after her partner ended things over an email. Before she had the chance to process this heartbreak, this ex-partner resurfaced out of nowhere. “My ex messaged me after a year and didn’t even have the basic courtesy to offer me an explanation,” says Elena, “To this day, I wonder what went wrong in our perfectly happy relationship that she had to back off like that! Now, she wants to meet for coffee and I can’t resist myself because I still need that closure. How else do you handle an ex coming back when there is such a big, unresolved issue?”

Don’t let your ex pull the strings on you. If your only reason to respond to the text is to get that closure, it’s better to leave the text on seen. If they were unwilling or incapable of giving you closure then, there’s no reason to expect anything different now. You allowed yourself to move on without closure the last time, you can do it again.

8. Learn from your past

“My ex messaged me after a year. He had gotten married but still contacted me for some reason. And then he behaved as if there’s nothing to be addressed about how awkward the whole situation is. He thought we’re friends and the fact that he cheated on me was very conveniently swept under the rug. It took a bunch of direct messages to make it very clear that I don’t want to contact him,” Ash, a 31-year-old activist, tells us.

Think about how your relationship ended the last time. Was it an amicable breakup or did your ex display emotionally abusive behavior, such as manipulating, gaslighting, or even cheating on you? If any of these behaviors resonate with your situation, just go ahead and block your ex without replying. You know the kind of person they are, and if they’ve hurt you before, chances are they’ll hurt you again. It’s better for your mental health to simply not engage with them again.

Key Pointers

Before responding, reflect on your life without your ex and evaluate if reconnecting is beneficial for your emotional well-being
Avoid responding immediately. Instant replies may give away emotional availability and prevent you from making a rational decision
A text from an ex doesn’t necessarily indicate romantic interest or remorse. Approach the situation without any expectations
Seek the perspective of friends, family, or partners to gain an objective view, especially if past experiences with the ex were toxic
Reflect on the reasons for your breakup and past behavior patterns. If the relationship was harmful or unresolved issues persist, prioritize your mental health and consider blocking them if necessary

Final Thoughts

Even reconnecting with an ex after 20 years can evoke a range of emotions, from nostalgia to anxiety. The key is to remain mindful of your emotional state and current circumstances. Whether you choose to respond, ignore, or block the contact, the decision should align with your personal well-being and future goals. Remember, you’ve grown since that relationship, and protecting your peace is always the priority.

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