It’s no secret that we all lie in our relationships. Whether it is a “you look great” comment after your partner gets a new haircut or telling them you were working late when you, in fact, stopped to get a couple of beers with coworkers, these little white lies are everywhere. Then, there are big ones that can blow up a relationship or leave you desperately looking for an answer to how to gain trust back in a relationship after lying.  

If that’s what you’re dealing with, you know the kind of toll broken trust takes on a couple’s bond. Your partner struggles to believe anything you say and your mistake is constantly served as a reminder of your failings. Every statement suddenly turns into a debate. “Are you really going out with just the boys?” “He’s just a friend, right?” The suspicion and accusations can leave your relationship on thin ice. 

This is why figuring out how to repair trust after lying becomes vital. Forgiveness may take its own sweet time to come your way. If you really do value your partner and relationship, the long-winded road to gaining their trust back will be worthwhile. Let’s take a look at how to rebuild trust in a relationship after lying, so you don’t end up like the boy who cried wolf. But first, let’s examine the impact of lying on a relationship. 

The Impact Of Lying On A Relationship

Trust in a relationship feels like a warm blanket on a cold day. Every lie—no matter how small—pokes a hole into this blanket that makes you feel so snug and safe, and as these lies add up, only shreds of the blanket remain, leaving you feeling exposed, insecure, and threatened for your well-being. 

You may hide something of significance from your partner because you fear their reaction will be less than favorable, and you tell yourself, “I’m doing this to protect them”. Or you may not want to get into it with your partner after a long day and may lie your way out of a potential argument, thinking, “Saved the evening, I did us both a favor.” The trouble is, no matter how you rationalize it, dishonesty has a way of catching up with you because lies grow like weeds, choking the trust and intimacy you’ve worked so hard to build. Here’s how: 

1. Lies chip away at the foundation of trust

Trust is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. In its absence, even the strongest connection can crumble. When you lie, trust issues begin to creep into your relationship and your partner might start questioning not just the lie but everything else you’ve ever said. For examples, if you lie about where you were one evening, just because you didn’t want to get into an argument about wanting to hang out with your friends instead of spending time with your partner, and your partner finds out, they might wonder, “If they lied about this, what else aren’t they telling me?” This doubt can spiral, leaving them second-guessing everything.

“Lying triggers insecurity in a partner because it signals that something is being hidden from them. Once suspicion sets in, it’s hard to maintain emotional safety.”

—Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, a family therapist, explains, 

2. Small lies can snowball into bigger issues

A “white lie” here, a fib there—it may not all seem harmless at first. But lies often have a domino effect. To cover one lie, you might need another, and another. Before you know it, you’ve woven a web of deceit that’s hard to untangle.

Take Jenna and Aron, for instance. Aron lied to her about overspending on superhero action figures and took the money to pay for them from a holiday fund they were contributing to jointly, thinking it wasn’t a big deal. But when Jenna found out months later, the whole thing blew up way beyond what Aron had expected, Jenna went to stay with her sister and blocked him out for weeks. Her reaction wasn’t just just about the money—it was about feeling excluded and misled. 

3. Emotional distance grows

When you lie to your partner, a subtle distance creeps in, even if they don’t immediately catch on. You might feel guilty, avoid eye contact, or be less forthcoming in conversations. This emotional gap can lead to feelings of loneliness or disconnection within the relationship, pushing you both apart. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Intimacy, explains, “Lying erodes the very intimacy that holds a relationship together. Openness and honesty are what allow couples to feel truly seen and loved for who they are.”

Related Reading: Emotional Distance: Meaning, Causes, Signs, And Ways To Fix

4. Lying undermines communication

Why does a relationship crumble under the weight of lies? Because when you have things to hide from your partner, you can no longer be open and vulnerable with them. As a result, misunderstandings grow, resentment builds in the relationship, and you feel like you just can’t talk to each other without it blowing up into an argument. 

Say, you’ve lied to your partner about something substantial—finances, a brush with infidelity, work troubles, or such—and now the “what if they find out” thought is eating away at you. Your partner can sense something’s off and when they ask you about it, you have no choice but to say, “It’s nothing” or “I’m fine”. They’re left guessing, and in all likelihood, imagining worst-case scenarios in their head. Over time, this lack of transparency can lead to frustration and arguments.

Related Reading: 11 Things That Happen In Relationships Without Trust

5 Types Of Lies That Can Cause Trust Issues In A Relationship

As you can see, lying in a relationship translates to broken trust, weakened bonds, and uncertainty about the future. But do all lies impact your relationship the same way? Is telling your partner you loved the chocolate dessert they made from scratch even though you didn’t as bad as lying about cheating on them or hiding your past from them? Well, clearly not. Lies of different magnitudes impact relationships in different ways. Let’s take a look at the 5 types of lies that most commonly lead to trust issues in relationships:  

1. White lies

Let’s face it, we all tell our partners little white lies from time to time. From saying you loved the new dress they bought when you didn’t to saying you enjoy spending time with their mom when you can hardly stand the woman. While lying to spare a partner’s feelings is neither uncommon nor necessarily harmful, when the degree of lies starts to outweigh honesty and transparency, it can erode authenticity in your relationship. 

The trouble with white lies is that you may fall into a habit of resorting to them to escape uncomfortable situations, and that’s when things get tricky. Dr. Bella DePaulo, a psychologist who studies lying, explains, “Even small lies can create a habit of dishonesty. They chip away at genuine connection because your partner senses something is off, even if they can’t put their finger on it.”

Related Reading: 11 Signs Of Dishonesty In A Relationship

2. Lies of omission

These aren’t outright lies but rather things you choose not to share. For example, not telling your partner that you bumped into an ex at lunch or neglecting to mention that a work happy hour. While you may justify it as “not important,” your partner may see it as a betrayal when they find out. Lies of omission amount to secrecy in a relationship, which over time, creates emotional distance between partners. 

3. Exaggerations

Sometimes, you might stretch the truth to make yourself look better—like saying you’ve achieved something you haven’t or blowing your partner’s mistakes out of proportion to shirk responsibility for your actions. This may boost your ego temporarily, but when your partner discovers the truth, it can make them question your integrity.

4. Financial lies

This is one of the grave ones that leaves people wondering how to rebuild trust in a relationship after lying. It’s no secret that money can be a huge source of conflict in relationships. When you start lying about finances—hiding debt, making secret purchases, or lying about how much you earn—to circumvent this conflict, it amounts to financial infidelity and creates mistrust.

“Money secrets often symbolize a deeper lack of trust and openness in a relationship.” 

—Dr. Terri Orbuch, psychologist 

5. Disloyalty 

In addition to love, trust, and respect, loyalty is one of the most basic expectations in a relationship—well, at least in committed, monogamous relationships. When you step out of the bounds of fidelity and then go to great lengths to cover your tracks, you bombard the entire foundation on which your relationship rests. Of all the different forms of dishonesty, this is the most brutal and also hardest to recover from. 

That’s why people often struggle to figure out how to gain trust back in a relationship after lying and cheating, as they discover that try as they may, they just can’t get their partner to believe them or feel secure around them again.  

How To Gain Trust Back In A Relationship After Lying – 11 Things You Should Do 

The degree of the lie doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you lied in the first place. Be it cheating or a lie to cover your tracks, the lack of respect is evident in each case. Whether you’re a pathological liar or you only lied once, the process of rebuilding trust in a relationship largely remains the same.

However, if you watched your partner’s favorite show without them or ate the sandwich they were saving for later, we wouldn’t really call that completely betraying your partner’s trust. It might feel like it, but it’s nothing a re-watch or another sandwich can’t fix. You don’t need to be losing sleep over how to fix a relationship after trust is broken just yet.

However, when more serious lies about infidelity are uncovered, any perception of trust in the relationship goes out the window. Before you know it, your car now has a GPS tracker attached to it and your messages are being monitored. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with the FBI, which is why figuring out how to regain trust in a relationship becomes a priority after you’ve been hit by the turbulence of suspicion. 

Even though you may want nothing more than to press the reset button and go back to the way things were, there are no quick fixes for how to gain trust back in a relationship after lying. Fixing a relationship after lying will require commitment and patience. To help you along the way, let’s explore the activities to rebuild trust in a relationship right away:

Related Reading: Surviving An Affair – 12 Steps To Reinstate Love And Trust In A Marriage

1. First and foremost, stop lying

It goes without saying that to fix a relationship after lying, you need to stop the lies immediately. And by immediately, we mean yesterday. You cannot be asking how to repair trust after lying while sitting atop a stockpile of lies that can blow up in your face any minute.

Henceforth, make sure you don’t do anything even remotely clouded in a veil of ambiguity that leaves your partner anxious about your intentions. Lying after being caught for it is like thinking eating sugar will fix your diabetes. You’re just making things worse for yourself, and before you know it you’ll be eating that dessert-for-two all alone. If you don’t want to live with the “I lied and ruined my relationship” lament for the rest of your life, practice being transparent with your partner.

Let them know what you’re doing and what you’re going to be doing later. If you’re looking for some personal space in the relationship, explain to your partner what you’ll be doing and why. When figuring out how to gain trust back in a relationship after lying or cheating, discontinuing what caused the problem in the first place is the biggest step you need to take.

2. Reflect on why you lied in the first place

Understanding why you lied can not only help you ascertain how to rebuild trust in a relationship after lying but also prevent you from going down the same rabbit hole again. Was it fear of judgment? Conflict avoidance? Shame? Be honest with yourself about the underlying reasons, as this awareness can help you address those root causes and grow. 

It can also be helpful to communicate these reasons to your partner, but without blame-shifting or making accusations. The idea here is to be vulnerable about your own doubts, fears, and insecurities that may have pushed you to lie, allowing them to empathize with you, and not make it seem like you lying to them was somehow their fault. 

3. Ask for forgiveness, sincerely

“Okay, gosh! I’m sorry. Calm down, it’s not a big deal,” is something you should be saying if you want to be kicked out of your relationship quicker than Usain Bolt reaches the finish line. But definitely not the way to go if you’re wondering how to rebuild trust in a relationship after lying. For that, you need to sincerely apologize to your partner, and your partner should be able to see that it’s coming from the heart. 

No, the small flowers won’t do. Get the biggest ones. In fact, go all out and cover the entire living room in his/her favorite flowers. Grab a box of chocolates, write a heartfelt note, and cook them a meal, the whole nine yards. You’re not getting out of this one easily, might as well go the distance if you really show someone you love them after hurting them.

Don’t gaslight your partner, don’t spit out half-truths, own up to everything you did and lied about, and acknowledge your partner’s feelings. Apologize like you mean it by saying something along the lines of “I lied, I broke your trust and I’m truly sorry for that. I will never do something like this again. Give me a chance at rebuilding trust in our relationship.”

Related Reading: What Is Forgiveness In Relationships And Why Is It Important

4. Practice transparency 

How to gain trust back in a relationship after lying, you wonder? Being an open book to your partner is a good place to start. Rebuilding trust in a relationship is all about how transparent you can be. When you mess up and break their trust, open up to them and tell them why you did it, even if it’s hard for you to accept why you did it in the first place. 

If you did it for the sake of it, tell them. If you did it because you were trying to get back at them for something, tell them, but consider the health of your relationship while you’re at it. A relationship shouldn’t be a game of chess. However, remember to put forth your reasons or side of the story without making it sound like you’re placing blame on your partner or offering justifications for your actions. Steer clear of accusatory tone or blame-shifting.

In the process, you’ll be getting to the bottom of assessing your thoughts and emotions as well. What drove you to do what you did? Why did you lie? Questions to rebuild trust in a relationship can help you both get to the bottom of why it happened in the first place. Instead of symptom curbing, focus on eliminating the need to lie from the roots. 

5. Improve communication in your relationship 

As one of the absolute fundamentals of a relationship, the importance of improving communication in your relationship can never be understated. This becomes even more crucial when you’re trying to figure out how to regain trust in a relationship after lying. By communicating better and clearer in the future, you eliminate the possibility of having to hide something from your partner. 

Besides, there is no doubt that your partner would be grappling with trust issues after being lied to. There is no better way to help them overcome these niggling doubts and trust you again than by fostering honest, open, and reconciliatory communication in your relationship.

Yes, how to gain trust back in a relationship after lying can be as easy as establishing constructive and healthy communication with your partner. Encourage opening up to each other, even if the topics are things you’d like to avoid talking about. Often, those are the most important conversations anyway. 

So, the next time your partner says “Nothing, I’m fine”, that’s your cue, soldier. Don’t shrug your shoulder and avoid that conversation, dive headfirst and ask why they’re not sharing what they clearly want to. If you make the effort to cultivate healthy communication, it won’t be hard to figure out how to regain trust in a relationship.  

Related Reading: How To Trust Someone Again After They Hurt You – Expert Advice

6. Be the best partner you can be 

While a heartfelt apology is going to get the ball rolling, you’re going to need to do a lot more than just one night of apologizing. Now comes the part where you work on giving your partner zero reasons to not trust you again. As far as your efforts to regain trust with someone you hurt go, actions truly do speak louder than words.  

Make sure you’re now the best boyfriend/girlfriend your partner could ask for and show them that you’re worth the effort of rebuilding trust in a relationship. Back massages, breakfast in bed, being supportive, doing their laundry, driving them arou…okay, maybe don’t be their personal butler, but you get the gist. 

Be reliable, adopt ways of showing affection to your partner, and make sure your partner notices the effort you’re putting in by consistently being on your toes. Trying to figure out how to gain trust back in a relationship after lying? Figure out what your SO wants in a partner and be that person. That’s the key to making a man trust you completely or win over a woman’s trust all over again.

7. Commit to change

To deal with trust issues in a relationship, perhaps the most important thing you can do is wholeheartedly commit to change. Pin down the tendencies or triggers that made you want to hide the truth from your partner. Figuring out how to gain trust back in a relationship after lying can seem so challenging to many because it requires you to break your behavior patterns.

That, in turn, requires you to look within, introspect, and understand why you behave the way you do in certain situations. Why does lying seem like the simpler choice to you than having that uncomfortable conversation with your partner? Why are you afraid to show them every side of yourself and not hide behind the camouflage of carefully constructed lies?

Unless you’re convinced about the fact that you need to work on certain aspects of your personality for the relationship to work, you’ll barely put any effort in. The answer to how to rebuild trust in a relationship after lying lies in being the best partner and the version of yourself you can be. Improve satisfaction in other areas of your life and you won’t feel the need to be deceitful. And the ways to build trust in a relationship will follow. 

Related Reading: Expert Suggests 11 Ways To Help A Partner With Trust Issues

8. Give your partner time 

It takes copious amounts of time, patience, and effort to earn someone’s trust back. Once you’ve messed up and broken your partner’s trust in you, you can’t expect them to forgive you immediately. It will take them as long as it takes them, and you can’t be the one to decide how long that’s going to be. “I said I’m sorry! What more do you want?” is only going to result in a glass of water splashed on your face. Unless you want that for some reason, refrain from pressuring your partner into forgiving you.

Understand that trust issues after being lied to do not vanish overnight. You telling your partner that they have nothing to worry about or reassuring them that you’d never lie again or showing them how truly remorseful you are isn’t going to magically undo the damage your lies may have caused. They may find themselves unable to believe you, besides themselves.

When you’re scratching your head over, “What can I do to gain trust back in a relationship?”, because it’s been 6 months and your partner is still not over how you lied to them, understand that you alone cannot set this right. Your partner needs to be 100% convinced about whether they can forgive you or not.

Give your partner the space and time they need to reflect on if they can even manage to forgive you. Just like you need to be committed to being the best person you can be, your partner needs to figure out whether it’s a setback they can get past. How to gain trust back in a relationship after lying also depends on how willing your partner is to forgive you and let you back in.

Related Reading: Top 9 Tips To Build Trust In Relationships

9. Listen to your partner 

Trust-building exercises for couples include talking to each other about what you need to do going forward, acknowledging you messed up, and understanding what your partner is saying. Their expectations will govern how and what you can do to fix a relationship after cheating and lying. Even if your partner is just telling you how hurt they were that you lied to them, by just listening and accepting your mistakes, you can provide them with the much-needed validation they require.

Not brushing off their concerns or invalidating their feelings of anger, pain or hurt is an important part of how to gain trust back in a relationship after lying. “How many times are we going to go over this?” “Can you get over it and see that I’m really making an effort to win your trust?” You need to steer clear of such statements to make progress in your attempts to rebuild trust in a relationship after lying.

10. Don’t expect anything

How to regain trust in a relationship after lying? Remember that consistent effort, no matter how small, can add up to big results but you cannot rush this process. If you’ve been working on yourself, if you’ve been doing everything you can to be the best partner you can be and your partner hasn’t said a word about it, getting frustrated about it won’t really do much for your relationship. This is why committing to fixing the relationship beforehand is so important.

Once you’re both committed, you have to jump in with both feet. You can’t lose your patience and let anger cloud your judgment if you haven’t received any words of appreciation for the effort you’re putting in. Trust-building exercises for couples do not guarantee instant gratification. Learn to manage your own expectations in the relationship the right way.

Related Reading: How Much Is Couples Therapy?

11. Seek professional help

Be it couples therapy or individual therapy, use whatever you need to help you get better. A professional will be better able to tell you how to gain trust back in a relationship after lying. Once you’ve been given an informed analysis of why you lie and what you can do to strengthen your relationship, it won’t seem like pushing a boulder up a hill.

If your efforts so far have not yielded any results and you’re seeking help to regain trust with someone you hurt, skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you. With their guidance and help, you can gain clarity on how to heal from shattered trust in your relationship.

Final Thoughts

Even though the activities to rebuild trust in a relationship won’t end up giving instant results, you need to be committed to making a change for the better in your relationship. Rebuilding trust isn’t really going to be a walk in the park, but that’s only because you wouldn’t want to trust someone who’s liable to break it, right? By using the methods we listed out to gain trust back in a relationship, you’ll be moving one step closer every day toward reclaiming the status of a trustworthy spouse. 

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