“What ruins relationships and causes most fights is insecurity” – Olivia Wilde, American actress and filmmaker. We can’t think of a better way to describe the extent of damage insecurity can cause to a relationship. When you feel insecure in a relationship, it inhibits your ability to truly connect with your partner. Insecurity invariably gives way to trust issues, and when trust is on shaky ground, you can neither wholly commit to your significant other nor believe that they’re committed to you. Your entire dynamic is reduced to waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s why it becomes critical to address the question, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?”

Insecurity in a relationship involves feeling inadequate or not good enough. While one’s own self-esteem and sense of self play a role, sometimes these feelings can be exacerbated by a partner’s behavior and actions. To be able to deal with feeling insecure in a relationship, it’s vital to put your relationship under the microscope and ask some tough questions. That’s the only way to figure out what to do when you feel insecure and how to overcome insecurity. To help you in this journey, we bring you some expert-back insights on dealing with being insecure in a relationship, in consultation with senior psychologist Dr. Prashant Bhimani (Ph.D., BAMS), who specializes in relationship counseling and hypnotherapy.

Why Am I So Insecure In My Relationship? 7 Possible Reasons

It’s not easy to live with the constant niggling feeling of not being good enough for your partner or the fear that the person you love will leave you any moment. That’s what being insecure in a relationship makes feel, triggering a host of unhealthy behaviors that can adversely impact your connection with your partner and lead to more conflict. This, in turn, fans insecurities in a relationship even more. Setting into motion a vicious cycle. That’s exactly why once you recognize you’re struggling with insecurities, it’s important to ask, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?”

Take the example of Diana, a Denver-based waitress, who developed a compulsive habit of checking her phone every few minutes after sending a message to her partner, Shaun. She would bombard him with texts about where he was, what he was doing, and with whom, and couldn’t be at peace till she received a reply. Diana was consumed with fear that Shaun would cheat on her. This was because he tended to flirt a little with other women while being his ‘charming self’. This caused a lot of friction in the relationship, leading to frequent fights.

Related Reading: Insecure Attachment Style In Relationships: Causes & How To Overcome

Whenever they fought, her thoughts turned in a catastrophic direction: Was Shaun going to dump her? Why did Diana feel this way? She finally acknowledged to her therapist, “My boyfriend makes me feel insecure.” It was only when she said these words out loud that they could, as a couple, work on this core issue and find a way to better their relationship. If you, too, struggle with emotional insecurity in your relationship, identifying the root cause is key to figuring out how to feel more secure in a relationship. To that end, let’s take a look at the 7 most common reasons for feeling insecure in a relationship:

1. Past relationship trauma

Our experiences shape our perceptions, world views, and sense of self. If you have experienced betrayal, emotional abuse, or infidelity in your previous relationships, it can riddle you with the fear of going through the same trauma again. This can change the way you look at or behave in relationships. Even if your partner is trustworthy, the emotional scars from the past can make you doubt their intentions and constantly worry about being abandoned, cheated on, or taken for granted. If you find yourself thinking, “I know my boyfriend loves me but I feel insecure,” your past could be impacting your present.

2. Lack of communication

Open and honest communication is the backbone of a healthy relationship. If that’s lacking and your partner doesn’t regularly express their feelings, share their thoughts, reassure you, or be vulnerable with you, it can leave you feeling neglected in a relationship. Also, a lack of communication can turn a relationship into a breeding ground for misunderstandings and doubts. All of this creates an atmosphere of uncertainty and leaves you wondering where you stand in their life.

For instance, if you find yourself stressing over thoughts like, “My boyfriend is distant but says nothing is wrong,” it’s because you can sense something is amiss but your efforts to get your partner to open up to you have not borne results. In such a situation, guarded or emotionally distant behavior can heighten insecurities in a relationship. This can lead to the feeling of, “My boyfriend makes me feel insecure.”

3. Low self-esteem

How your partner behaves in a relationship or how they treat you is only one part of the equation. Your sense of self-worth and self-esteem play a big role in determining how secure you feel in a relationship. If you have low self-esteem, you might believe you’re not deserving of love or find yourself wondering, “Why am I not good enough for him/her?” This, in turn, gives way to a persistent fear that your partner will eventually find someone “better” or more worthy.

This inner turmoil can make you seek validation from your partner, overanalyze their actions, or misinterpret harmless behavior as signs that they’re losing interest. If you’ve been wondering, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?”, it may be a good idea to turn inward and analyze your relationship with yourself.

Related Reading: The Role Of Self-Esteem In Relationships – Take This Test To Assess Yours Today!

4. Unresolved trust issues

Being insecure in a relationship is closely tied to underlying trust issues, be it in your current relationship or a previous one. If your partner gives you reasons to doubt their loyalty—like lying, hiding things, or being secretive—it can create a lingering sense of distrust. Likewise, if you have been cheated on, lied to, or betrayed by an ex, those feelings can linger on, making it harder for you to trust your partner.

In both cases, your insecurity is a defense mechanism stemming from the fear of getting hurt again. That said, unresolved trust issues don’t help a relationship. They can make you hypervigilant, overthinking every detail and questioning your partner’s motives, which only deepens your insecurity.

5. Fear of rejection or abandonment

Being insecure in a relationship could also be the outcome of a deep-rooted fear of rejection or abandonment, which often stems from childhood experiences or early relationships. If you know what feeling neglected in a relationship is like, you may feel anxious about losing your partner, even if there’s no real evidence to suggest they’ll leave. This fear can manifest as clinginess, neediness, or a constant need for reassurance. If your partner fails to meet these needs, the perceived fear in your mind begins to feel more and more real, heightening insecurities in a relationship.

Related Reading: Healthy Relationship Dynamics – 10 Fundamentals

6. Comparison to others

The comparison trap and feeling insecure in a relationship go hand in hand. When you compare your relationship or yourself to others, you might feel like you’re falling short. Constant exposure to curated images of “perfect” couples on social media, for instance, can make you doubt your relationship, even if there is nothing wrong with it. Or constantly comparing your partner to your ex or yourself to your partner’s ex can bring up feelings of inadequacy. You end up questioning your value, your partner’s attraction to you, or whether your relationship measures up to some idealized standard. As a result, you might find yourself saying, “I know my boyfriend loves me but I feel insecure.”

7. Imbalanced relationship dynamics

Lop-sided dynamics can also leave you feeling insecure in a relationship. If you feel like you’re giving more than you’re receiving, or your partner holds more power—financially, emotionally, or in decision-making—you might worry that your partner doesn’t value you or that they could easily replace you. This imbalance creates a sense of inadequacy and leaves you feeling insecure about your role in the relationship, creating anxiety about whether your partner truly appreciates or loves you for who you are.

Can Your Partner Make You Feel Insecure?

Now that we’ve talked about what causes insecurity in a relationship, let’s explore in greater detail your partner’s role in triggering or fanning those insecurities. When you’re dealing with relationship insecurity, in addition to wondering, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?”, you’re also bound to wonder, “Why does my boyfriend/husband make me feel insecure?” Why do I feel so insecure about my girlfriend/wife?”

That’s because even if your partner isn’t the root cause of your insecurities, their behavior can exacerbate those feelings or bring dormant triggers to the fore. Some of the common ones are,

• Flirting
• Body shaming
• Mocking
• Being secretive
• Being unreliable
• Dodging commitment
• Being insensitive to your needs

Related Reading: 9 Reasons You’re So Insecure In Your Relationship

“Lack of self-love and low self-esteem contribute to feelings of insecurity in a relationship. If you have not had a loving, secure relationship with your parents or have been let down in the past in a romantic relationship, it can make you vulnerable to insecurity,” says Dr. Bhimani. Financial dependence on your partner can also give you a feeling of insecurity. Sometimes, the success of your partner in any sphere, especially the professional one, can also be the underlying cause for insecurities in the relationship.

A 2013 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that a partner’s success could lead to an increase in self-esteem (because you are basking in reflected glory); and on the other hand, a partner’s success could lead to a decrease in self-esteem if we interpret “my partner is successful” as “my partner is more successful than me”. The study revealed that men’s self-esteem was more likely to be negatively affected by their partner’s success.

5 Signs Your Partner Makes You Insecure

We’ve already touched upon what makes a woman insecure in a relationship and why men feel insecure with their partners. The root cause of insecurity may either lie within you or may originate from your partner. So then, how do you know if the insecurity you feel in your relationship is caused by your partner? Here are five signs of insecurity that indicate so:

1. You are constantly seeking validation

You constantly seek reassurance and emotional validation from your partner. For instance, you expect frequent compliments about your qualities (appearance or intelligence) and abilities (driving or cooking skills) and when your partner does not offer you the validation you seek (either consciously or subconsciously), it can trigger feelings of insecurity.

This tendency is especially pronounced in women dealing with underlying body image issues. Very often, comments about appearance are what make a woman insecure in a relationship. This may leave you ruing, “My boyfriend makes me feel insecure about my looks.”

Violet was on the plump side. Whenever she wore a sleeveless dress, her boyfriend Rob would say, “Hey, please put on a jacket. Your arms look fat.” Such remarks only made her feel unattractive and miserable. She confided in a close friend, “I know my boyfriend loves me but I feel insecure.” Likewise, remarks about professional success, performance in bed, or constant comparisons with a former partner can make men insecure in a relationship.

Related Reading: Reassurance in a Relationship: Meaning, Importance, And How To Seek

2. Your partner disregards your needs

You find yourself wanting your partner’s attention and feeling uncomfortable when you are left on your own. Being needy and clingy is a clear sign of emotional insecurity. It can have its roots in childhood neglect and abandonment. It is also possible that this need for attention and consequent insecurity when that need is unmet stems from your partner’s disregard for your emotional needs in the relationship.

“When a partner not only disregards your needs for greater emotional intimacy but also mocks or rebukes you for having those needs, it is only natural for you to feel insecure about the future of your relationship,” says Dr. Bhimani. If that’s what you’ve been experiencing in your relationship, it can trigger emotional insecurity.

3. You are terrified of losing them

You may feel that you are not satisfying your partner in some way. Perhaps, they haven’t introduced you to their family. Even after being together for several years, they have not made a commitment of any kind to indicate that they see a future with you. This can make you keep thinking that the relationship may end at any time, thus making you insecure.

When you enter a relationship with the expectation or hope that it will blossom into a deep, meaningful, long-term connection but your significant other isn’t prepared to meet you halfway or you feel that they don’t necessarily have the same view of the future as you, the uncertainty can rake up a lot of anxious feelings. These anxious feelings translate into, “My partner/girlfriend/my boyfriend makes me feel insecure.”

4. You keep asking about their schedule

If you keep asking your partner where they will be during the time they are away from you, and with whom, you are displaying classic signs of relationship insecurity. This could well be because your partner may have lied to you in the past or at the very least not been completely transparent about the goings-on in their life. In turn, this has affected the trust in the relationship, turning you into an insecure partner.

If all your energies go into worrying about what your partner is doing, whether they’re going to leave, or are they really in love with you, there is no denying that insecurity has taken a deep hold in your relationship. The trigger could be your partner’s disconnected or emotionally withdrawn behavior.

Related Reading: My Spouse Has Been Spying On My Phone And She Cloned My Data

5. You tend to snoop

If you are in the habit of checking your partner’s phone or computer regularly, it is a sign of deep insecurity. You may justify your actions by telling yourself: “I am doing this because my boyfriend makes me feel insecure.” But such behavior is a strict no-no as it violates his privacy.

Again, the underlying reason for this tendency could well be in your relationship dynamics. For instance, if you’ve found your partner stalking an ex on social media or flirting with a coworker, you may feel insecure that they’d stray. In such cases, the answer to the question, why am I so insecure in my relationship, may, lie largely with the way your partner behaves in the relationship. However, this does not mean that your own emotional baggage doesn’t have a part to play here.

“Feelings of insecurity are almost always rooted in one’s own psyche and emotional health. Yes, your partner’s attitude or behavior may be triggering your insecurity but the fact that this is happening at all indicates that there already were latent insecurities somewhere in your mind frame,” says Dr. Bhimani. That’s why, when trying to understand what causes insecurity in a relationship, it’s vital to introspect and understand your own emotional responses and behavior patterns.

Related Reading: Dealing With An Insecure Boyfriend? Here Are 15 Coping Tips

How To Deal With Feeling Insecure In A Relationship

It is one thing to admit: “My partner makes me feel insecure.” And quite another to deal with it the right way. In fact, when you ask the question, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?”, placing the blame squarely on the other person and seeing yourself as the victim is a lot easier than admitting that you too could be contributing to the insecurity in your relationship and taking proactive measures to break problematic behavior patterns.

Looking within and understanding what steps you can take to weed out insecurity from your relationship may be hard but it’s not impossible. With the right guidance and self-awareness, you can steer your relationship onto a more secure and fulfilling path. To that end, here are some suggestions to manage or even overcome insecurity in a relationship:

1. Love and appreciate yourself

The answer to how to overcome insecurity lies in learning how to love and accept yourself as you are. If you don’t love yourself, you will not believe anyone else can love you. Think about all your positive characteristics—your kindness, sense of fun, and reliability. Take heart from thoughts that you make your partner happy—that you give them love and support and that they know and appreciate it.

“There may be a critical voice in your head that focuses on your negative traits. Do not let it take over. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Accept yourself for what you are – warts and all. That’s the only way to not let disparaging remarks made by your partner or spouse hurt your feelings or self-worth,” says Dr. Bhimani.

If you’re able to achieve such healthy levels of self-love, thoughts like “My husband makes me feel insecure about my body” or “My wife makes me feel inadequate” won’t take a toll on your peace of mind. Once you practice and master the art of self-love, the need for validation from your partner will automatically go down as well, and with it, your feelings of insecurity.

2. Boost your self-esteem

Instead of looking at your partner for appreciation and validation, work on fostering self-confidence and self-esteem. Your sense of self-esteem and well-being should not depend on them. Here’s what to do when you feel insecure: find ways to become the best version of yourself for yourself. Focus on advancing yourself professionally, take an online course to develop your skillset, or work toward becoming healthier and fitter (if that is what will make you feel confident).

If you have body image issues, and often find yourself cringing at the thought, “I feel insecure about my body around my boyfriend/my husband”, work on recalibrating the way to look at yourself and embracing body positivity. Your partner’s words or actions often only trigger pre-existing insecurities and do not induce them. So, to stop being insecure in your relationship, you need to get to the root cause of your insecurity and eliminate it.

3. Tell your partner how you feel

Communicate your insecurities to your partner effectively. Pick a moment when you are both feeling harmonious to discuss the matter. If you are open about the words or actions that make you insecure, and there is love in the relationship, your partner will definitely try to change their behavior.

For instance, if they teased you for being a terrible cook, or mocked your lack of knowledge of current affairs, and that led you to think, “Why am I not good enough for him/her?”, it’s essential that they know exactly how you feel. They will stop mocking and teasing you once you overcome the communication barriers and express your feelings honestly.

Dr. Bhimani says, “You need to communicate in a clear-cut manner. Instead of imagining all sorts of things, talk to your partner upfront. Find out why your partner is behaving in a certain way. Ask them, “Do I have anything to worry about?” Clear-cut communication will give you definite relief.”

4. Express what you want

Also, it is important to explicitly state the change you want. If you are disturbed by your partner’s negative comments, tell them so. “You don’t have to fight. You can just be frank and tell them, “Can you please change your behavior as I am feeling insecure?” That should do the trick,” Dr. Bhimani explains.

The first step toward learning how to overcome insecurity is practicing clear, concise, and conflict-free communication with your significant other. Do not beat around the bush or resort to passive-aggressive behavior to convey your displeasure at something your partner may have done. Lay it out as it is, without judgment or placing blame.

5. Understand your partner’s motives

Dr. Bhimani says, “Your partner may be deliberately making you feel insecure because they need more attention. In other words, they may be flirting with others to make you jealous. This may well be their way of conveying their unmet needs in the relationship, albeit in an unhealthy manner. If that is the case, you can eliminate insecurity from your connection by making sure your partner’s needs and expectations are met. For instance, if they’re feeling neglected or unloved, pay more attention to them, make them feel loved.”

If done consciously and with the intent of exercising control, making a partner feel insecure can be a form of romantic manipulation. Your partner may be targeting your vulnerabilities to make sure they have you eating out of their hand while putting minimal effort into the relationship. How you respond to or deal with feeling insecure in your relationship depends on the motive behind it, so make sure you get to the bottom of it.

Related Reading: 12 Signs Of Insecure Women And How To Avoid Them

6. Reignite the spark in your relationship

After some years of marriage or being in a long-term relationship, you may become too caught up with shouldering the responsibilities of your home and career to prioritize your connection with your SO. This may leave either one or both partners feeling neglected in a relationship, resulting in actions and behaviors that trigger insecurities.

Understand where their behavior is coming from and try to schedule a time when both of you can connect like a carefree couple and keep the spark alive in your relationship. Make an effort to make your partner happy. Regularly reinventing your connection as you grow and evolve, individually and as a couple, can help keep insecurities at bay.

7. Create comforting rituals

Wondering, how to not be insecure in a relationship? You can effect change and begin weeding out insecurities, or at least learn to manage them effectively, by making your relationship a safe and happy place for both yourself and your partner. When you find solace and comfort with one another, you will naturally feel more secure in each other’s presence.

To that end, consciously develop certain rituals to bond with your partner every single day. Go for a morning walk, cook a meal together, watch a television show regularly, display your affection physically by touching and hugging each other, or join a hobby class like art or music together which will give you something to share.

8. Break old patterns

Each one of us carries our emotional baggage along with us and also brings it to our relationships. This baggage determines how we connect with our partners and behave in our relationships. An awareness of this baggage can help you change old, negative patterns, which goes a long way in overcoming insecurity. School yourself to think and behave differently from the way you did in a previous failed relationship.

Doing this may not be easy but can be the most effective answer to how to not be insecure in a relationship. It is challenging for most people to embark on this journey of self-exploration and self-awareness by themselves. Working with a therapist or a counselor can be immensely beneficial in this endeavor. If your insecurities are deep-seated and have begun impacting the quality of your relationship, consider seeking professional help. Experienced and skilled counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.

9. Make a conscious effort to stop overthinking

Your thoughts affect your emotions and both these affect your behavior, and ultimately your relationship. If you keep analyzing every word or action of your partner, you will end up perpetually disturbed. And, you will keep thinking, “She/he makes me feel insecure on purpose.”

But is it really so? You may be losing sleep over, “My partner/my girlfriend/my boyfriend is distant but says nothing is wrong”, when, in fact, there may be nothing wrong at all. Maybe your partner just needs some alone time. That’s why he or she is maintaining a distance from you. Keep a healthy and positive perspective, and make a conscious effort to not start painting worst-case scenarios in your head if things don’t happen as per your hopes and expectations. That will help you in overcoming insecurity.

10. Don’t compare

One of the simplest tips on how to not be insecure in a relationship is to steer clear of the comparison trap at all costs. It is common to look at other couples and compare your situation with theirs. Think of a relationship as an iceberg. What you see is just the tip, there may be many many more layers that you have no idea about.

“Don’t compare your relationship with other couples. Just because a friend is dealing with a cheating partner, it may not be the case with you,” advises Dr. Bhimani. Likewise, don’t feel inadequate about your relationship just because your friend posts pictures on weekly date nights with their spouse of 14 years or you know a couple who goes hiking every Sunday.

Related Reading: How To Nurture Space In A Relationship

11. Give your partner breathing space

Giving your partner freedom in the relationship is vital. Trying to control your partner’s actions will only backfire. “Accept that he/she may be different from you, and may have different opinions or experience different emotions. That does not mean they do not care for you,” says Dr. Bhimani. The right amount of space in the relationship can help you both thrive as individuals as well as a couple.

Do not go into an overthinking spiral if your partner wants to spend a Saturday with their friends instead of you or if they hang up a call without saying, “I love you”. Instead, here’s what to do when you feel insecure: give them room to be their own person and assert the same kind of space for yourself as well. This will allow you to appreciate each other for who you are instead of feeling insecure about your partner not living up to your version of who they ought to be.

12. Ask yourself certain questions

What do I really like about my partner? Am I getting what I deserve in the relationship? Overall, am I more often happy or miserable in the relationship? Do I find it difficult to trust my significant other? Is the problem that my husband/boyfriend makes me feel insecure about my body?

And, finally, is there a real reason for me to feel insecure? Has my partner lied to me or have I seen texts on their phone that indicate that they’re cheating? As we said in the beginning, if you want to figure out how to overcome insecurity, you need to ask some uncomfortable questions. The answers to these questions may help you discover why you feel insecure and how to deal with it.

Related Reading: 7 Types Of Insecurities In A Relationship, And How They Can Affect You

13. Aim to be independent

The answer to how to overcome insecurity lies in the realization that you are complete and enough on your own. Take care of yourself and seek to be independent—physically, mentally, and emotionally. Self-love and self-care will banish insecurity. If your life revolves around your partner, you are bound to feel insecure. Trust yourself and tell yourself that you can take care of yourself.

Having few anchors in your life other than your relationship can make you insecure. That’s why it is important to think of all the things that make you happy—your work, friends, regular exercise, hobbies, and other self-improvement goals—and focus on them more.

14. Nurture other relationships

The absence of other fulfilling relationships in your life—say, with parents, siblings, or friends—may make you overly dependent on your partner. When you place the burden of meeting all your needs on your partner and they fail to meet those needs, insecurities can rear their ugly head. The key to overcoming insecurity is building a well-rounded life for yourself where your partner isn’t your only source of happiness, contentment, and fulfillment.

So, instead of fretting over “my spouse/my girlfriend/my boyfriend makes me feel insecure”, channel your energies into nurturing other relationships and goals in your life. When your relationship isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of your life, you may begin feeling less insecure about it.

Final Thoughts

Being insecure in a relationship is a big hurdle to intimacy. It may make you unreasonably jealous. It may make you try to control your partner, which is an unhealthy trait. By getting rid of insecurity you can enjoy a more joyous and fulfilling relationship. We hope that now that you’ve understood what causes insecurities in a relationship, you will be able to break your old patterns and learn to engage with your SO in a healthier, more holistic way.

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