Not all relationships get their happily ever after. Not all the love in the world is meant to last. And that’s okay because love doesn’t just happen once. After a big breakup, it might feel like your life is ending but that’s not true at all. You can move on and be happier eventually. But right now, you probably can’t even get the breakup out of your head. While you navigate the thoughts of how to get over your ex-girlfriend, you might be constantly replaying the breakup in your mind or trying to figure out what you did wrong, so you can make it right.

You’re not alone in feeling this way. Many men struggle to figure out how to move on from an ex. According to NBC News, “Men take longer to get over their exes and don’t ever get fully over it. Men are more prone to being shocked. The greater the shock of the loss, the longer it takes to recover.” While that may be true, it doesn’t mean that you’re damned to live with the pain of heartbreak. 

Ask yourself, do you want to remain with the pain and misery that your ex left you in or heal, move on, and turn over a new leaf? When you answer the latter in the affirmative, that itself is your first big step. If you’re keen on taking that step toward moving on and being better, we’re here for you. With the help of counseling psychologist Kranti Momin (Masters in Psychology), who is an experienced CBT practitioner and specializes in various domains of relationship counseling, we bring you 15 effective, time-tested tips on how to get over ex-girlfriend.

I Love My Ex: Why Do You Feel This Way? 

Before we get to discussing how to get over your ex, it can help to make sense of your feelings and understand where they’re stemming from. Living with the “I love my ex” feeling is not easy. It’s, as if, you go through life with a gnawing pain in your heart and a knot in your stomach. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, a part of you is consumed by all these feelings you have for your ex and a longing for her. Finding a way forward in understanding how to move on from an ex you still love can seem impossible in a situation like this. 

However, when you understand the origin of these feelings, working through them becomes a whole lot easier. The “I love my ex” feeling is your body and mind’s way of yearning for something that is familiar and comforting, and it often boils down to a mix of emotional, psychological, and biological factors, which include:  

1. Emotional attachment and nostalgia

Emotional bonds created during a relationship don’t just disappear when you break up. This emotional connection, paired with nostalgia for the positive memories, can make it hard for a person to move on from their ex. Research from the Journal of Positive Psychology found that most people view their past relationships with fondness. About 71% of participants stated that they felt more grateful than regretful about their former relationships, suggesting that love might persist in part due to the positive aspects of the past.

Exhibiting similar emotions, a Reddit user replied to a question about being in love with an ex on r/ExNoContact, saying, “I still love my ex because she made me feel understood in a way no one else has. It’s not about wanting to get back together but cherishing what we had.” Explaining why this happens, Dr. Guy Winch, a psychologist and author of How to Fix a Broken Heart, says,  “When you lose someone you love, your brain takes time to recalibrate. Even when they’re no longer present, the emotional patterns created by the relationship persist.” 

Related Reading: Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone? What It Means And How To Stop

2. Unresolved feelings

Another user on the same Reddit thread says, “I was dumped without much explanation, and I can’t stop replaying the relationship in my head. I guess I’m still in love with the version of her I thought I’d grow old with.” This is a classic example of unresolved feelings and lack of closure holding someone back from moving on. 

This lack of resolution can make you idealize your ex and feel lingering love. Men are more susceptible to it. Explaining why, psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers, author of Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome, notes, “Men are more likely to suppress their emotions, which can make them hold on to unresolved feelings for longer. These emotions may emerge as lingering affection or even love.”

3. Biological factors

The neurochemistry of love plays a significant role in making you feel like you’re hopelessly in love with your ex. Oxytocin, known as the “love hormone,” and dopamine, associated with pleasure and reward, are released during intimate moments. Even after the breakup, the brain craves those chemical highs. That’s why breakups are so hard to cope with.  A study from Rutgers University found that the brain activity of people recently heartbroken closely resembles those experiencing addiction withdrawal. This chemical dependence can make it challenging to move on from an ex.

4. Fear of being alone

Love for an ex might also be tied to a fear of loneliness or the belief that you won’t find someone as compatible. The “Will I be alone forever?” fear and sense of scarcity magnify the ex’s perceived value. Kranti says, “When we lose something or someone, we start exaggerating their value. Often that the cost of discounting the value of possibilities ahead of us. This mindset traps people in the past because they view their ex as the best they could’ve ever had.”

Related Reading: 7 Signs You Are Tired Of Being Single And What You Should Do

5. Missing who you were in the relationship 

When you say “I miss my ex-girlfriend” or “I miss having her in my life” or “I miss the feeling of being in a relationship”, you may not necessarily be missing your ex but who you were when with her. Post-breakup feelings and reflections may have made you realize the role your ex played in your growth. This can increase your appreciation for her. The love and longing you feel for her could be rooted in gratitude rather than romantic feelings.

15 Expert-Backed Tips On How To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend

In the wake of a breakup, your mind is clouded with your ex-girlfriend’s memories and all the feelings you’re harboring for her. It is hard to get over an ex you still love, we don’t doubt it. However, what makes this process of moving and healing even harder is a denial of reality and a tendency to bottle up painful feelings. 

After a breakup, a lot of guys go through life pretending as if they’re unfazed by the heartbreak they’ve experienced and then try to move on by getting into a rebound relationship or resort to other unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking excessively to avoid the pain they’re feeling. The problem with denial and such an approach is that it doesn’t make the pain go away. It might blunt it for a while, but it is only a matter of time before the painful feelings resurface and catch you again.

To be able to move on in true earnest, you need to work through these uncomfortable emotions and at the same time, take small but definitive steps to distance yourself from your ex, emotionally as well as physically. We tell you the correct way to approach the moving-on process with these 15 expert-recommended tips on how to get over your ex-girlfriend:

Related Reading: 7 Reasons You Can’t Eat After A Breakup + 3 Simple Hacks To Get Your Appetite Back

1. Keep away and stay out of touch to get over your ex-girlfriend

Being friends with an ex or maintaining contact is a complete no-no, especially in the initial days. When you’re trying to figure out how to get over someone, you need space and distance to get a grip on your emotions. Just like a wound needs time to heal, so does your broken heart. Speaking to or being in touch with your ex soon after the breakup is like picking the scab off a wound, over and over again. If you do that, you will never fully heal.   

No matter how big a role she played in your life, it is better to rip the bandage off once and for all rather than hurt yourself by being around her. Do not agree to be friends with your ex. Constantly being in touch with her will make you always ponder the ‘What if’. What if I apologize to her and we work things out? What if she changes? What if she loves me but is confused right now? 

That’s the last thing you need. Instead of looking for reasons to get back together or hold on to hope for a reconciliation, acknowledge that the relationship is in the past now and you’ve got to hold your head up high and move forward.

2. Avoid places that remind you of her 

After a breakup, you may want to revisit past memories and think about your relationship. Or even go to significant places and relive the moments that you and your ex-girlfriend shared. Alleys where you two shared endless laughs, coffee shops where she used to get her favorite white chocolate mochas, or stores where she used to act goofy while shopping—memories are all you have left of her now.

Visiting these old places makes you think of her even more, and you find yourself wondering, “Is it normal to still love my ex? Will I ever stop loving her? Will I be able to move on?” Well, yes, you can lose feelings for your ex and move on but for that, you need to stop yourself from living in the memories of your relationship. The answer to how to get over a girl lies in steering clear of the memory lane. Avoid going to such places as they remind you of her and the time you spent there and make you spiral into thoughts you really do not need.

Related Reading: How To Survive Betrayal In A Relationship? 8 Ways To Figure It Out!

3. Keep clear of the triggers

How do I move on from my ex, you ask? Staying away from triggers that bring up memories of your ex-girlfriend can be a good place to start. From seeing her favorite kind of peanut butter at the department store or finding her earring under your pillow, there may be reminders of her at every turn you take, especially in the early days after the breakup. You need to slowly distance yourself from these reminders that trigger feelings of longing in you. 

Let go of her things, the relationship memorabilia, as well as any gifts she got you. From her toothbrush to the love notes she left you, from her text messages and pictures in your phone to the shirts she got you, it’s time to do away with all of it. Don’t let these triggers make you revisit your past or worse, dwell there. It will only make it much more difficult to move on.

4. Try a social media detox

When trying to figure out how to move on from an ex you still love, you need to be very careful about how you use social media. One click on her profile and there you are stalking your ex for hours on end, trying to make sense of what she has been up to using the tidbits of information you can lay your hands on. Even your own posts featuring your ex can be a huge trigger that can make you want her back. 

That’s why you need a social media detox. This can mean, 

• Uninstalling social media apps till you’re in a better headspace 
• Unfriending/unfollowing your ex on social media 
• Blocking your ex everywhere 
• Or at the very least, resisting the urge to visit her profile multiple times a day

5. Talk about it with your friends and family

Kranti says, “Talk to your friends and family about your feelings. Your feelings of emptiness and jealousy all need an outlet at this very time. Since your thoughts are constantly clouded with confusing emotions, you might just let those feelings sit there and feel worse. Instead, allow yourself to vocalize them to process what you are feeling in a much better way.”

The power of spending time with friends and family is truly underrated. As the counselor suggests, it can be beneficial and very helpful to spend time with those who love you. Not only do they know you well but they will also help you realize how worthy of love you really are.

Related Reading: Why Do Breakups Hit Guys Later?

6. Find a new crush to get rid of ex-girlfriend’s memories

To get over your ex-girlfriend and refrain from thinking about her, you need to occupy your mind with something else, or in this case, ‘someone else’. But pay close attention because we aren’t suggesting that you go out there and become some kind of player taking advantage of other people’s feelings.

Instead, this is about distracting your mind from wandering toward your ex. Follow some new celebrity or influencer on social media and develop a new crush. Or even chat up the woman at your rock-climbing class or the girl you often see reading a book at your regular coffee shop.

Crushing on celebrities is harmless and at the same time helps you take your mind off your ex. And a little healthy flirting with those around you will only be good for your self-esteem. So give it a go but know where to draw the line. You don’t want things to become messy and confusing and walk right into another heartbreak.

7. Do not wallow for too long

Yup, we’ve all been there. When a breakup hits, you feel the need to stuff your face into a pillow and scream inside it while a sad love song plays in the background. Or staying in bed, staring into nothingness, while your mind runs a million scenarios of wishful thinking. Or knocking yourself out senseless with alcohol to numb the pain. 

While it’s okay to wallow and let yourself go for a day or two, or maybe a week, when you’re dealing with heartbreak. But once you’re all cried out, you need to gather yourself up. Wallowing for too long isn’t good for your emotional and physical health. While grieving what you’ve lost is only natural, to be able to accept this loss, you need to get past the self-pity and sadness. 

8. Spend some quality time alone with yourself

To be able to deal with heartbreak and move past it, you need to learn to be on your own without spiraling out of control or turning into an emotional mess. Kranti says, “To get over your ex-girlfriend, it can be helpful to spend time alone with yourself. It allows you to sort out your feelings, process what you are really going through, and figure out a way to deal with that grief. Some days you might feel guilty, other days you might feel anger. Then, there may be bouts of “I miss my ex-girlfriend.” Let all those feelings flow. There’s probably a lot going on inside you and spending time alone will help you organize all of that much better.”

Related Reading: How Does A Guy Behave After A Breakup? 11 Things You Didn’t Know

9. Avoid calling her constantly

Wondering how to move on from an ex? Well, spamming her with calls or texts definitely won’t help. Yes, sometimes, it can be hard to resist the urge to drunk text your ex to open the breakup chapter all over again. However, calling or texting her isn’t going to change things for the two of you. Once you call your ex, you will feel like calling her again and again until she pushes you away forever, which is gonna sting even more later on.

10. Seek professional help

Figuring out how to move on from an ex you still love can be one of the most emotionally draining dilemmas of life—one that you may not be equipped to deal with all on your own. If you find yourself struggling emotionally, even after a considerable amount of time has passed since the breakup, it can be beneficial to seek professional help. A trained mental health professional can not only help you make sense of your emotions, and recognize your feelings more accurately but also equip you with tools to work through the uncomfortable thought patterns and take a decisive step toward healing. 

Explain the entire story to your friends and clarify all their doubts once and for all. Have one heavy discussion and that’s it. This will prevent the topic from coming up in the future and you will also feel lighter once you get it out of your system. But once it’s flushed out of your system, try not to find reasons to start talking about it again.

11. Keep yourself productively occupied

Figuring out how to get over a girl you love and once were intimately involved with isn’t easy, and it’s certainly not something that can happen overnight. However, you have to take small steps in that direction, so that you can eventually arrive at a point where you’re not constantly thinking about and missing her. 

One of the small steps that you can take is to keep yourself busy and occupied with other things. Once your mind is occupied with other activities, your thoughts won’t wander off to your ex-girlfriend as much. From going bowling in the evenings to learning how to cook, it’s a start toward a more productive and happy single life. After all, ask yourself, do you want to drown in your sorrows or feel good about yourself again?

12. Don’t think about taking revenge

A lot of men think that the answer to how to forget a girl lies in getting back at her, hoping that it will make them feel better about the whole thing. But thinking about making your ex-girlfriend jealous or taking revenge on your ex will only show her that you are still hung up on her and are unable to move on from her.

Don’t let her have that kind of power over you. Doing nothing is the best option in such a scenario if you are serious about figuring out how to get over your ex-girlfriend. Showing her that you’re at peace with the breakup will make her feel restless and confused. But if you keep trying to get her attention, she will use the same against you and you will be stuck in a toxic cycle.

Related Reading: How Soon Can You Start Dating Again After a Breakup?

13. Seek closure

One of the main reasons why it is difficult to forget your ex is that you’ve not got proper closure once your relationship ended. This is what is making you cling to the hope and memories of her. It is very important to get closure after your breakup, it helps you accept the fact that there’s no possibility of you and your ex getting back together again.

You will understand the events leading to the breakup more clearly. Once you realize that it’s a dead-end, it will help you move on. Kranti tells us, “Without closure, you might keep going back to a relationship that wasn’t working or isn’t good for you. Getting closure allows you to finally set on the path of becoming your best self. This also helps you in finding a better future partner and you both can form a healthier relationship with each other and with your own self when the time for that is right.”

14. Turn your breakup into a catalyst for growth

After you’ve had some time to process the breakup and feel that your journey of healing has begun, take some time to reflect on what went wrong in the relationship, focusing on your part. Then, use those reflections as a catalyst for growth. So that you don’t keep repeating the same patterns and your past relationship doesn’t affect your future. 

Kranti says, “Healing is not just about being occupied in other tasks. It’s also important to realize that you are going through something important in your life. Take it as a lesson that will teach you to become closer to yourself. Focus on your mental health and new activities for your own well-being.”

Related Reading: How To Love Yourself In A Relationship – 21 Practical Tips

15. Try new things

Once enough time has passed since the breakup, you need to make a conscious choice to move past the “I miss my ex-girlfriend” state of mind. You need to divert your energies from thinking about her to doing something much better with your time instead. Why think of this breakup as such a bad thing? Think of it as a golden period in your life where you get to explore things around you and explore yourself like never before.

This is the time to think about yourself and what YOU want. Take trips with your friends and have new adventures. This time is all about trying new things and having new experiences. It will help you take a break from your boring and routine life and you will feel like a new person at the end of it.

Final Thoughts

Breakups aren’t easy for anyone. Especially when someone you loved, dumped you for someone else or cheated on you. Getting over them isn’t something that is easy but it all starts with taking the first step. And then you will figure out what to do next.

You can’t forget someone unless you want to. Once you make up your mind that you want to forget her, follow these 15 ways and you’ll get her out of your system sooner than you think. Most importantly, you will heal from the breakup and start focusing on yourself and your close ones more.

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