I had a love marriage with a wonderful man and recently we celebrated a decade of togetherness. He is a very nice gentle and loving person, he respects me and has always loved me. Apart from the struggles that we had while getting married (since our families objected) we have had a very happy and satisfied marriage. I don’t think that I can love anybody else the way I love him. And yet a few months back I cheated on him. I wasn’t seeking any affair, it just happened with one colleague. He is also married. This relationship is purely sexual for both of us. Neither of us were looking for anything beyond sex and are happy with our respective lives.
Sex with my spouse is making love to the person I love, all calming, reassuring, feeling the soul kind of sex. I have a satisfied sexual life with my husband. But the affair sex is hot, the illicit nature gives the feeling of living on the edge, gives an adrenaline rush. I want to end the affair to avoid hurting my spouse, but I don’t know how and when I should end it. I feel I should carry on for maybe 5-6 months and then end it.
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The affair is serving a purpose. It is helping me overcome the fear of losing my husband early on life. His father died young and I get the debilitating fear of being alone. Since the affair I have stopped obsessing over my fear and stop nagging my husband with respect to his health. I used to constantly ask him if he has eaten well, exercised or if he is taking rest between work. I have never obsessed with his whereabouts through the day, even when he’s away for days for work, but only about health. How should I end the affair? I often wonder what is wrong with me that I’m having an affair when I’m madly in love with my spouse. Please guide me!
Counsellor Deepak says:
Hi!
First: Love and sex are not the same thing. You may want [restict] to have sex with others even if you are in love with someone… or even when you are not in love with the person you are having sex with. Stop judging yourself.
Second: You need to stop the affair. However tempting and exciting it might be, it is still cheating and breaking of the implicit emotional contract you have with your loving husband. It is okay that you slipped but to continue to have a full-blown sexual affair is a different story all together. I am completely accepting of consensual non-monogamous marriages as well. However, the operative word is consensual, where all the parties involved are aware and are on board.
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What this approach would ask is the courage to follow your sexual passions, but with honesty. Have a frank and open discussion with your husband and figure out what his views are on it. Is he okay with it? BUT if you think this may not work out well, and you’ll end up wrecking your marriage, then you know you have to stop or find a husband/partner who’d be fine with an open marriage. It would take courage in both facing your husband and stopping your affair. Choose your battles wisely.
All the best,
Deepak
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It’s been more than 5 years but I think I should comment on this issue because it is important. First of all @deepak himself need counseling to know the difference between mistake and wrong.
Second for the woman , I don’t know even if you’re going to read it . But you know you never loved your husband, at some point of time you have had attraction for him. But due to this attraction you got a really nice person. What you have done is called not only wrong but it is promiscuity. I have read so many stories where woman cheated just once and regretted whole life . But you don’t have a slightest sign of regret. I think you must have to divorce your husband and be promiscuous because you don’t deserve him
Fucking modern therapist. Should the woman stop blaming herself and blame me? What kind of therapist is this? If he doesn’t want to be monogamous, why is he getting married? There is no such thing as a modern marriage, it has always been so for thousands of years. Why don’t you remind this woman she has options? Like getting a divorce instead of cheating? This woman is cheating because she doesn’t love her husband. But on the opposite side, the grass must always check whether it is green. To throw her husband away like garbage. Therapist, you are just as deceitful as this woman. You only say what people want to hear for money. 😉
@Deepak
Why as a counsellor you are not highlighting the immoral part in the relationship? Why are you not suggesting that abdication of moral responsibility in a marriage is a equivalent to a crime? This woman is cheating on her husband and does not want to end the affair soon. She is not feeling the guilt and is shameless. If she is passionate about having sex, why is she not advised to take a divorce and go with her lover? She can
also look for open marriage/ relationships. The problem is that most women want the cake and desire to eat it too. They do not want to leave the security in the marriage and at the same time would not hesitate to cheat. Why then as a counsellor would you not advise them to have some sense of self respect, confess to their husband and offer unconditional divorce? Why their promiscuity is being seen as a psychological problem instead of a moral one?
True.