As told to Saheli Mitra
I knew I would not be with her every waking moment on our wedding night itself. For that idea was an impossible one. I believed in giving my wife space and independence she deserved. But I never realised, two years into marriage I would lose her to another man, and that too my childhood friend. For me, commitment and sexual exclusivity were supreme after marriage. I was a workaholic, and either never got the chance or never had the wish to indulge in any advances I ever faced from any of my female colleagues.
I still have no idea what led Suhani to falter. Was it a moment of vulnerability or heated lust? Despite my busy work schedule, I never neglected our relationship. I encouraged Suhani to work after marriage, though she was reluctant and left her job to become a homemaker. She must have been bored, all alone at home. Else why should she bring another man into our bedroom, even if through the virtual world? Should I forgive my wife for sexting? Maybe you could give me a fresh perspective.
The phone kept buzzing
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It was a chance discovery when her phone kept beeping with strings of WhatsApp messages while she was busy downstairs in our garden on a lazy Sunday morning. I tried to switch the mobile off as it infringed on my extended hours of sleep, and that’s when I came across explicit sexual texts between Suhani and my childhood friend whom I introduced to her a year back.
I kept telling myself it was phone sex or cyber-sex or whatever nomenclature can be given to it, to save my pride. But there was no way I could justify sexting when in a relationship. Imagining her in bed physically with my friend was a moment of defeat for me, it was an insane torment! Because let’s face it, to catch your cheating wife sexting is not something you desire to accomplish first thing in the morning.
Should I forgive my wife for sexting? I couldn’t find a ‘yes or no’ answer. My immediate response was to abandon her, never to connect with her sexually again or resume any form of intimacy. Not even a warm touch. I was overwhelmed with the urge to know what exactly Suhani did with that man, did they actually make love or just enjoy the pleasure of sexting? After all, he lived in a different city and regular meetings or sexual encounters were next to impossible for them.
Related Reading: 25 WARNING Signs Of A Cheating Wife You Cannot Ignore
But then that demon of jealousy took over. I had to restore a sense of power. I just needed to hold this woman who I started falling in love with after marriage. I was not in the right state of mind to comprehend the intensity of the situation and to me, the only answer to “Is texting cheating?” was ‘YES!’. I just needed to say: “You are mine, not his.” I was ready to rape her if she refused to respond to my physical advancements. I lost all my common sense for sure.
Fighting the shadow
I was expecting my wife to avoid physical intimacy but surprisingly our bedroom that night turned into a stage for emotionally charged scenes, as Suhani responded and did not shy away at all. It was like fighting a shadow duel for me, with that man who described intimate scenes to my wife. A conflict in bed resulting in an aggressive me and a passive Suhani which was quite unthinkable as it was always the other way round.
And finally, it ended in tears. She cried in ecstasy, I cried in pain. She held me close and said she had experienced the best orgasm ever. I held her to confess it was all done according to the sex texts sent by her friend. She froze in the heat of the moment, stunned!
Our Counsellor, Psychiatrist Dr Avani Tiwari, comments:
There are more questions than answers in this story. More importantly, let’s not forget we have only one version. We have no idea what was in Suhani’s mind and why was she talking to and texting others while in a relationship.
- Was the prominent Lack of communication to blame?
- Was she sexting when in a relationship to fulfill her desires which she could not communicate to her husband?
- Was she more comfortable in virtual anonymity than in face-to-face transactions?
- Did she describe her physical needs more openly through the veil of the Internet?
- Was the long-distance relationship a safer option?
- Was the friend following Suhani’s leads or were they better compatible physically?
Related Reading: Dreams About Spouse Cheating — What They Mean And What You Can Do
Was Suvanker following his friend’s direct instructions or his wife’s hints that were translated in them? Was it the dream fulfilled for her or just the cheating guilt signs of emotional infidelity? Why did he think of sex in a situation that clearly demanded discussion? How emotionally close were they and how close was he to the reality of their relationship? And finally, how closely emotional and physical aspects of relationships are linked?
The answers, while different for each individual, aren’t going to be in clear black and white, right or wrong. They will be a part of you. And your relationships. In the end, it all boils down to one question, “Can a relationship survive sexting?” Yes and no. Yes, if the disloyal partner confesses and takes full responsibility for their actions. And the other partner is willing to accept the apology and move on from this chapter. Of course, it will take time for both of them to heal from this emotional damage. But with transparency, open communication, and their love for each other, a couple can come out of the situation unscathed.
On the other hand, if the betrayed partner finds it too hard in their heart to forgive and forget, they might want to put an end to this relationship. Ultimately, it depends on the couple’s level of intimacy, emotional endurance, and willingness to hold on to each other. If you too are going through a lot of pain and distress caused by some conflict in your relationship, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are always here for you.
Has Your Wife Cheated In The Past? 9 Signs You May Have Ignored
11 Signs Of An Emotional Affair – You May Be Crossing A Line Without Even Realizing It
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It is very sad that husband has faced double blow that on one side his wife and on other side his childhood friend who cheated him. It is also possible they may have had physical as husband is workaholic in office for max hrs. Few hrs in a day enough for this once in a while. Today many of friends are worst cheaters [Few good guys and May God forgive me] and they have easy access to wives as we trust them as real friends. They dont deserve even a dogs birth as dogs are highly faithful.
There could be voids in a marriage but cheating can’t be accepted. It is better to have a pet at home than a cheater.
Quite intense.
I empathize with most part. And the comments from the expert are also very apt.
I just wish the part about rape “I was ready to rape her, if she refused to respond. I lost all my common sense for sure.” was not brought in.
Best,
Kritagya Daarshanik (Haywire Chronology)