I want to try sex toys but my husband does not

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Dear ma’am,

I wanted to try out sex toys. I have been married for ten years and we have a healthy sex life.
Of late I have been thinking of trying out sex toys, just like that. My friend’s husband sometimes pleasures her by using them. I thought we can try the same. But my husband says we shouldn’t, as once I get used to the machine, I won’t enjoy natural sexual intercourse again, because no man can compete with a machine. Is this true?

I want to take the next step only after hearing from you.

Thanks in advance!

Dr Sharmila Majumdar says:

Hi,

Heterosexual men have been known to use vibrators or sex toys with their partners either because their partner suggested or because they organically thought it could improve their partner’s enjoyment of sex. But some of them did feel that having to use a vibrator reflected poorly on their own sexual ability. If this were the case it would make sense that their sexual satisfaction remained low. No one likes to feel like they’re not good in bed. Your partner may also fear that the partner’s use of a sex toy will replace them or that they’ll become overly reliant on them for arousal and/or orgasm.

Whether sex toys end up enhancing a relationship or leading to conflict likely depends on the nature of openness and communication between partners. In the context of sex toys, positive communication means (ideally) that:

Partners who feel threatened can open up about their concerns, feel heard and validated, and receive reassurance from their partners that the desire to use a sex toy is in no way a comment on their virility, desirability or sexual ability
Partner who desires the use of sex toys should ideally be able to communicate that desire without being judged, shamed or otherwise pulled away from.

Have an open talk with your spouse and see. If he is very reluctant, do not push him. You can start off by taking showers together, massage each other, etc.

All the best,
Sharmila

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