I am a professional based in the US. This is the story of the marriage problems I faced. I had a simple and slightly difficult childhood, but my younger brother and I coped with things together and found ways to support each other to have decent careers.
This is a reason I am still very close to my family. Since my younger brother got married before me, my mother, who lives in India, was a bit concerned about getting me settled too. She insisted I settle down. I had no clue there could be so many problems in an arranged marriage. I realized that soon.
(As told to Saumya Tewari)
Arranged Marriage Through Online Matrimony Sites
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My mother relied on online matrimony sites to find me a wife. She uploaded my profile on various sites, scoured through prospective girls, and soon found a suitable match for me. All seemed well and the wedding was fixed.
Though for me, it turned out to be only a wedding and not a marriage. The marriage did not transform into a relationship. After facing various unprecedented problems in married life, now I am ‘happily divorced’. It’s better to be single than to let problems in married life ruin your peace of mind.
She wasn’t keen from the very beginning
Problems in arranged marriage begin when there is no keenness between the individuals. I was in the US and she was in India. Obviously, courting was not easy for us. But I tried my best to stay connected. She, on the other hand, showed no interest in talking to me. I was a bit concerned and asked her if all was fine.
“It will be okay once we are married,” she assured me.
I never realized this could be the beginning of future marriage problems. I just thought maybe it happened too soon for her, so, decided to let her take her time to open up to me.
She kept delaying the visa appointment
The wedding took place eventually. I spent time with her in India, but my leave was ending soon. She took too long to file for her visa. In retrospect, I think she had no intention of moving to the US at first, and probably just the application to be rejected.
I was exasperated and told her parents to help her apply for the visa. I had arranged for all the documents but the application for the visa had to be filed by her, and she seemed to refuse to co-operate with the procedures.
All she needed to do was to set an appointment at the embassy, which she kept delaying for no apparent reason. I never thought that I would have to face problems in married life from such an early stage. Soon, I had to fly back to join my job.
“Don’t worry, we will get her to finish the visa formalities,” her parents promised me.
Related Reading: 10 Signs You Are In A Loveless Marriage
She went off on a holiday
When I was back in the US, I received a rather chirpy phone call from her one day.
“I am going to Goa for a holiday with my friends!”
For the first time, she sounded happy. I thought it was only fair if she got some time to enjoy with her friends before she moved to the US with me. I was happy to find out my ‘wife’ was enjoying a holiday with her friends and hoped for our ‘happily-ever-after’ married life to start soon.
She got her visa after the trip and flew to the US. As soon as we were together, she was sad again. I tried to do all I could to make my wife happy.
We still had not consummated the relationship and were living in the same house as roommates. She even kept all her belongings, including her phone and laptop locked in a cupboard.
I was frustrated now since she had promised all will be fine after the wedding. To add to my troubles, she threw tantrums in front of friends and family members. Our problems were fast becoming public knowledge, yet I was still at a loss how to fix a breaking marriage.
Related Reading: 15 Warning Signs You Need A Divorce For Sure
She had no intention of being in this marriage
One evening we were having dinner with my brother and his wife, and she declared, “I want to have fresh coconut water.” Where were we to find that in New York City in the middle of the night?
Her whims & tantrums seemed to become more random and exasperating with each day. Nothing I did could make her happy or solve the problems in our married life. She would not let me get close – physically or emotionally.
It was soon revealed to me and my family that her plan was to get us to hate her so that we would send her back home to India. This way she could have convinced her family that she was having problems in an arranged marriage and she could marry her lover. Yes, the one she went to Goa with.
There was no honesty in the marriage
After I found out about her relationship with another man, I also got frequent phone calls from my ‘wife’s lover in India’ – abusive, drunken phone calls alleging and threatening me.
“How dare you take her with you? I know you are torturing her. I will complain to the police,” were some of his usual rants.
At first, I was very disturbed. But later, I recorded some conversations and played it before my brother and his wife so that they could also have a good laugh at the childish behavior. I had no idea though that there could be such ugly problems in an arranged marriage.
Related Reading: How To Cope With Divorce As A Man
An arranged marriage that was doomed from the beginning
My only grudge is that I was unnecessarily dragged in the middle of an otherwise happy love story. It was a traumatic phase for me because I had never thought someone could be so dishonest. If she was being pushed to get married, it was not my fault to be treated like that.
I never forced her for anything. She could have just told me and I would have not married her. It was not like I was head-over-heels in love with her. But later I came to know these are common problems in an arranged marriage and many men like me have faced similar issues.
Thankfully, the marriage is over now. I am enjoying my slightly extended single life, still looking for the girl who will marry me of her own will, without being forced to. Only then can I steer clear of such problems in married life.
FAQs
Try to find the root of the problem and address it with understanding & compassion. Problems in married life are not uncommon, but you have to ensure that they don’t have a deep or lasting impact on your relationship.
Couple’s therapy is a mature way of trying to resolve conflict in married life. It’s a good way of improving communication between couples and understand each other better. It’s an ideal way of dealing with problems in an arranged marriage too.
There can be many issues between two individuals, specially in an arranged marriage. But some of the most common marriage problems arise from lack in compatibility, dishonesty, cheating your partner, finances, jealousy, communication differences, lack of understanding, adjusting capability etc.
20 Premarital Counselling Questions You Should Ask Before Marriage
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It is good that you freed from this bad marriage. Unfortunately you suffered inspite of no fault of yours. Still , I would say you are lucky. In India today many couples who looks to be happy but wherein many wives have either extramarital affairs with colleagues or ex’s or one night stands whenever they go business trip and yet act drama of love and loyalty at home without leaving a trace of doubt to the husband irrespective of arranged or love marriage. You will be heart broken if u come across these. I am not saying all are like that but can say these cases are significant. Honesty, loyalty and modesty has no value and has become like a raw vegetable which can be thrown at their discretion. Though you had suffering, Yet you are lucky enough to get rid of this. Next move ensure and see the value system of a person before committing any relationship. All the best and May God bless you with true love and soul mate.