Why do married men cheat? The question has continued to boggle the mind of many a woman grappling with the hurt and emotional trauma of being cheated on. While it is easy to chalk cheating up to stereotypes like “men will be men”, the truth behind why men cheat on their wives can be far more convoluted. So, why do married men cheat?
From anger and resentment to unmet needs, sexual desire, and even low self-esteem – there is a whole gamut of factors that can make a married man stray. It’s vital to not paint all incidents of cheating in marriage with the same brush and truly understand the finer nuances of this phenomenon instead.
While we’re not saying that married women don’t cheat, statistics indicate that men are more likely to cheat, be it in the form of casual one-night stands or long-term extramarital affairs. We have our expert psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), who specializes in relationship counseling and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy to help us unearth the answers to “Why do married men cheat on their spouses?”
Why Do Married Men Cheat? 13 Reason
Table of Contents
Interestingly, research pegs the incidence of infidelity at over 40%. But as the adage goes, cheating is a choice. No one is so truly blinded by lust or sexual desire that they don’t realize the magnitude of the situation they’re getting themselves into. Yet, so many men wilfully go down this road. According to an American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy study, 25% of married men who participated in the study had had extramarital affairs. That’s no small number and indicates that cheating in marriage is a trend, not an aberration.
Dr. Bhonsle concurs. “There can be several reasons and risk factors at play. Both relational and individual issues can contribute to a married man cheating on his wife,” he says. There can be myriad reasons behind infidelity because relationships – and the people in them – are complex. But if you look closely, a few common reasons emerge. So, why do married men cheat? More often than not, it’s for one of these 13 reasons listed below. So, if you’re often wondering, “Is my husband cheating?”, you should go through these points and find out if he is:
Related Reading: 12 Excuses To Cheat Men Usually Come Up With
1. Boredom in marriage
A man cheating in a relationship could simply be bored. Boredom in the relationship and life, in general, is a very real risk that comes with being stable, settled, and partnered for life. Unless both partners make a conscious effort to keep the spark alive, this sense of boredom can often make them distant. And it is this very distance that often creates space for a third person to come into the equation.
Dr. Bhonsle says, “Boredom brought on by going through the motions of everyday life and lack of excitement in the relationship can be very strong triggers for a man to cheat on his spouse. The risk is heightened if he doesn’t feel strongly emotionally bonded to his spouse.” In such a situation, an affair partner can come as a whiff of fresh air, offering the titillating excitement that he finds lacking in his established relationship.
2. Insecurities and low self-esteem
We all have our share of insecurities that leave us with a jaded perception of ourselves. These insecurities are often closely linked to low self-esteem. These are complex psychological issues and not everyone can deal with them healthily. So, people often resort to toxic safety-seeking behaviors, such as cheating. Here’s what happens in such cases:
- A man struggling with low self-esteem and insecurities may jeopardize his committed relationship for an extramarital affair or a string of incidents of sexual liaisons outside his marriage for the momentary gratification these experiences offer
- Being desired and wanted by another woman may make him feel worthy and good about himself, and that validation can be a strong enough motivator for a man to risk the stability of his established relationship with his spouse and his family
Speaking on this issue, psychologist Pragati Surekha previously told Bonobology, “The mindset of a cheating man could be influenced by some feelings of inadequacy. When a person feels they’re lacking in some area of their life, they can compensate for it by seeking validation from elsewhere, since it’s an easier alternative to actually working on their shortcomings.”
Related Reading: 7 Types Of Insecurities In A Relationship, And How They Can Affect You
3. Sexless marriage or sexual rejection
One of the most common answers to the question “Why do married men cheat?” is lack of sex. The effects of a sexless marriage on a man can be profound, especially when it happens early into the marriage and his libido is still potent. The same is true for sexual rejection: when a man’s sexual advances are constantly rejected by his spouse. Such rejections can lead to:
- The frustration of unmet sexual needs
- A dent in the man’s self-worth
Though such issues can be addressed healthily through clear communication of one’s needs, or a professional consultation with a sex therapist, finding solace in another woman often seems like the easier way out, to most men.
4. To punish or get back at his wife
Dr. Bhonsle says, “The mindset of a cheating man is such that he uses infidelity as a way to punish or get back at his spouse. This act of punishment could be for something the spouse has done or on account of the resentment of his unmet needs in the marriage.” Such unmet needs can be:
- Sexual needs
- Emotional needs (Men, too, want to feel loved, desired, and appreciated in their intimate relationships)
- Communication needs
- Security needs (If a man feels his wife is being unfaithful to him or can leave the relationship for good)
However, as married couples become more settled in their life, partners may stop making the effort to convey these little things to each other. Over time, this complacency in the relationship drives them apart, and the man may resort to seeking that affection and appreciation from someone else. This is how most emotional affairs start.
5. The lure of the forbidden fruit
So, why do happily married (or seemingly happily married) husbands cheat? One of the prime reasons why a husband cheats on his wife is the lure of the forbidden fruit. The thrill and excitement of doing something so taboo and getting away with it can be far more gratifying than the best orgasm, and this adrenaline rush can become a key motivator for a cheating man.
In the book, Cheatingland: The Secret Confessions of Men Who Stray, which documents the cheating experiences of 61 married men and the reasons behind it, “the thrill of it” and “heart-pounding sex” emerge as the most common themes. So, if an unfaithful man has had many affair partners or a string of short-lived extramarital liaisons, there is a good chance he is doing it purely for the thrill.
Related Reading: How To Deal With Resentment In Marriage? Expert Tells You
6. Misogyny
The answer to “Why do married men cheat?” can also be found in patriarchal conditioning and societal norms. It seems, throughout history, men have had the luxury of having multiple partners without any guilt because men have been socially conditioned to see it as a testimony to their power and masculinity.
Dr. Bhonsle agrees that misogyny could very well be the reason behind the actions of many unfaithful men. He says, “A husband cheats on his wife because his misogynistic mindset says, “I can do whatever I want and she has to take it.” In such cases, the cheating man focuses more on the ‘me’ factor than the ‘we’ factor.
“It’s almost like a customer-centric approach to marriage, where he goes in expecting a certain level or quality of service, and if those expectations are not met, he thinks it’s justified for him to cheat. He never truly becomes a collaborator or an equal partner in the marriage.”
7. His attachment style
A man cheating in a relationship may not always be driven by lust or low self-esteem. The mindset of a cheating man is most often influenced by several psychological factors which may cause him to subconsciously sabotage his relationship with his partner. One such factor that may be found in an unfaithful man is an insecure attachment style, or to be more precise, the anxious-avoidant attachment style. People with this attachment pattern:
- Are wary of intimacy and struggle to maintain a committed relationship
- Can lash out at their partners often
- Can emotionally distance themselves from someone trying to get close to them
- Can resort to self-sabotaging behaviors such as cheating
This attachment style is a result of being raised by emotionally unavailable caregivers. This is when a child learns that they have only themselves to rely on. Because a person’s emotional needs were overlooked, minimized, or invalidated, being aloof and detached becomes a defense mechanism.
Related Reading: Attachment Styles Psychology: How You Were Raised Affects Relationships
8. The ‘ex’ factor
The risk of infidelity is one of the biggest dangers of reconnecting with an ex when married. Dr. Bhonsle says, “If a man has had an intense relationship in the past, still has feelings for an ex, or shares a close friendship with an ex, it can quickly turn into a breeding ground for an affair.” He shares the following reasons why a man may gravitate back to a former partner despite being married:
- There is emotional support in that connection
- There is trust
- He feels she understands him better than his spouse
- There has been good sexual chemistry between the two
9. Childhood trauma and experiences
A person’s childhood experiences can play a role in making them more predisposed to infidelity. For instance,
- If a man has suffered childhood abuse/trauma such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse (and that trauma has not been addressed), he is more likely to cheat in his intimate relationships
- Likewise, witnessing infidelity up close – a parent cheating on the other – can also increase the likelihood of cheating
A study has found that children who were exposed to infidelity in their parent’s marriages were twice more likely to cheat than those who weren’t.
Related Reading: Men With Mommy Issues: 15 Signs And How To Deal
10. Sex addiction
A lot of married men cheat only because they are addicted to sex. A friend of mine, Cathy, confided in me a few weeks back. She said her husband, George, has had multiple affairs with women and was now having an affair with his coworker Linda, which she found out by reading his texts.
She said George was a devoted husband and took good care of her. He even told her he loved her and showered her with gifts. But when it came to sex, George was habituated to straying from time to time. “Is my husband cheating? Oh! he surely is. All the time,” she said. Last I heard, Cathy was planning to file a divorce.
11. Reluctance to improve on himself
Often, married men over a certain age take no accountability for their actions. Terming their wives “nagging” for their questions and complaints, they decide to find a safe haven away from all responsibilities. And affairs provide them with that safe place, away from any accountability. So, men are, most likely, shying away from improving on:
- Their financial status
- Their emotional maturity
- Their habits, such as gambling or alcohol/drug addiction
Related Reading: Accountability In Relationships – Meaning, Importance, And Ways To Practice
12. Personality traits
At times, inherent personality traits themselves are responsible for men veering into infidelity. A study has proved that men with narcissistic traits are more likely to cheat than those who don’t possess such traits. And some such narcissistic traits that may indicate a man may be likely to cheat are:
- A disregard for other people’s emotions
- Excessive self-love
- Gaslighting others
- Denigrating others
- Dismissing their partner’s needs and wants
This perhaps explains the psychology behind cheating and lying.
13. Mid-life crisis
We have all heard of mid-life crisis: that inevitable urge to do things one hasn’t done till a certain age. Burdened by family expectations and work stress, men beyond a certain age tend to find an escape route. And more often than not, they seek this escape route by having an affair.
A Reddit user says, “My ex-husband cheated on me, then ran off with the woman, leaving me behind to pick up the pieces with my kids. It was completely out of the blue. It’s 16 months down the track now, we’re divorced and he got remarried and they’re planning on having a baby soon. I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck actually happened.”
Related Reading: 8 Relationship Problems You Can Face If You Had Toxic Parents
Why Do Men Cheat And Still Stay With Their Wives?
Another common question around infidelity perpetuated by men is: why do cheaters want to stay in relationships? Well, if a man is betraying the trust of the person he once vowed to love and cherish for the rest of his life, can he really be happily married? But yes, a lot of the men who cheat do seem happy in their marriages, and certainly check a lot of the boxes of a happy, fulfilling life – at least externally.
What’s also true is that most cheating men continue to stay married. While research indicates that close to 45% of all divorces are on account of infidelity, statistics also point out that only 5-7% of people actually leave their spouses or long-term partners for their affair partners.
So, why do cheaters want to stay in relationships? Dr. Bhonsle shares the following reasons:
- Societal disapproval can be a big deterrent
- Family pressure may make a man stay married and still cheat
- He may not want to put his children through the agony of a divorce
- His spouse may offer logistical support to the family structure – taking care of the children or caring for ailing elders in the family – which he may not want to disrupt
How To Cope With Husband Cheating On You
By now, a few things are amply clear – a sizable majority of men cheat on their spouses; the driving forces behind a cheating husband’s actions can range from the state of the marriage to his own emotional and psychological issues; and despite the cheating, he may not want to let go of the marriage.
But if you’re a woman who has been in this situation, it’s time to figure out how to deal with a cheating husband. A lot of women tend to stay on in marriages with cheating spouses even when they haven’t truly processed the hurt or forgiven their partners for their transgressions because they feel that walking out is not an option.
To this, Dr. Bhonsle says, “Remember, you always have options and choices in life. At times, the only choice available to you may be an unpleasant, uncomfortable, less luxurious option, which can make it scary. But it’s always there.” If you discover that you’re being cheated on, here are some tips to help you cope:
Related Reading: When To Walk Away After Infidelity: 10 Signs To Know
1. Confront your cheating husband
Don’t turn a blind eye to your husband cheating on you. Instead, confront and have a conversation. Dr. Bhonsle advises, “Confront your husband in a way that leads to a conversation about what lies ahead.” So, you should have answers to the following questions:
- Will the cheating stop?
- If it does, can you give the marriage another chance?
- How are you going to deal with ending the marriage?
2. Self-care must be a priority
Remember that being cheated on is a big deal, and the hurricane of emotions you’re going through is absolutely valid. Do not bottle up these uncomfortable emotions. Instead, prioritize self-care, and do what you need to be able to work through the pain. Self-care, in such cases may mean:
- Daily exercise
- Healthy eating
- Journaling
- Indulging in hobbies, such as potter, reading, or painting
- Meditation
Related Reading: The Most Important 7 Qualities Of A Healthy Relationship
3. Assess what you want for yourself
Once the initial pain and hurt have somewhat cooled off, think about what you want to do next. You should have answers to the following questions:
- Do you want to give your cheating husband another chance?
- Do you want to walk out of the marriage?
- If you walk out, what kind of logistical support do you need to make that transition?
Ending a marriage is a major decision, and no matter how valid your reason, you need to make sure that this is not an emotional response to the hurt you’ve been caused but a well-thought-out choice.
Related Reading: Falling Out Of Love After Infidelity – Is It Normal And What To Do
4. Involve a third party
Dr. Bhonsle says, “Depending on what you decide, you may have to involve a third party to navigate your relationship from here on. If you’ve decided to call it quits, then you need to rope in a divorce lawyer. And if you’ve chosen to stay and make it work, then seeking professional help and opting for marriage counseling is strongly recommended.” Without help from a third party, you and your spouse may not have the support to get to the root of the infidelity, repair the relationship, and truly heal from this setback.
5. Move on
Irrespective of your decision, you need to move on from this setback – whether alone or with your partner. Make sure you don’t overlook your healing journey because the emotional trauma of being cheated on can change you in so many ways. It’s crucial to make sure those wounds are healed and don’t turn into triggers for your unhealthy behavior patterns in the future.
On how to move on, a Reddit user says, “By coming to terms with the fact that he/she had no respect or love for you. The one person you trusted most in this world to care for your heart betrayed you in the worst possible way. This is not the same person you married. Take time to reflect on the marriage. Divorce is like death. It takes time. Once you’re able to reflect you’ll see all the red flags you missed or ignored. You’ll be able to “see” that this person did you a favor and that you’re better off caring for your own heart.”
Infographic On Reasons Why Married Men Cheat
Here’s is a brief look at the reasons why men who are married or in committed relationships tend to cheat and how to cope with such situations:
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Do all men cheat?
No, it is true that many married or committed men tend to cheat. But that should not be the reason to generalize and say that all men cheat. Whether a man turns out to be a cheater or not depends on a lot of factors, such as mid-life crisis, sex addiction, etc.
2. Can a man cheat and still love his wife?
It is possible for a man to love his wife and family and still go ahead and engage in affairs. This is because men don’t always cheat for love. They cheat to get respite from accountability and stress. They may also cheat because their married life may have become monotonous or just to taste the forbidden fruit.
3. What goes through a man’s mind when he cheats?
Men cheat for various reasons. So, what goes through a man’s mind when he cheats may vary from person to person. Some may feel guilty for cheating on their wives or partners, while others may justify cheating saying they did not get their emotional or physical needs met in the relationship.
Key Pointers
- It’s true that a lot of married men cheat on their spouses
- The reasons prompting the infidelity could range from boredom in the relationship to unmet needs, misogyny, the presence of an ex, and unhealed emotional traumas
- Despite cheating, a majority of men don’t want to walk out of their marriages
- Learning that your spouse has betrayed your trust can be a deeply hurtful experience that can leave lasting emotional wounds
- It’s important to make sure you process the hurt in the healthiest way possible and only then decide your future course of action
Final Thoughts
So, we hope you now have all the answers to the question, “Why do married men cheat?” Likewise, we hope you know the answer to, “Do all men cheat?”, is a clear no. And the underlying reasons behind the choice of infidelity can be really varied. Trying to understand the psychology behind cheating and lying can help you deal with your partner and the situation more empathetically.
Can a man cheat and still love his wife? Hell, yes! Because he may just be cheating to satiate some insecurity. But this does not mean that you minimize your own pain or blame yourself for their actions. However, the right perspective may help you humanize your cheating husband rather than demonize him, which may go a long way in helping you assess what you truly want for yourself and the relationship.
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