My husband cheated on me what should I do?

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My husband cheated and I can’t get over it. I found some messages on his phone and when I confronted him, he admitted it. He said it is over and that he won’t do it again. I feel so betrayed because I never thought he could do something like this. Now every time he is late from work or doesn’t answer my call on the first ring, I can’t help but think he is with some woman. I want to know every detail but it just hurts to hear it at the same time. I just have no idea how to deal with this. I still love him and I’m confused about what I should do. Should I leave my cheating husband? Is it possible that it was a mistake and that he truly loves me and feels bad? Please give me advice on how to deal with an unfaithful husband.

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Answer

Dealing with infidelity is challenging and it brings up a mix of emotions with it. The fact that you discovered the cheating makes things all the more painful. First and foremost, allow yourself to experience and express whatever emotions are coming up for you. I’m sure there must be a lot of complicated feelings popping up all over the place.

A very common pattern I’ve seen popping up with clients who have been cheated on, is misconceptions about how they “should” feel or act. Remember, there’s really no right or wrong answer to how you “should” feel. Allow your emotions to take up the space they need. While you do that, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Communicate with your husband. Tell him how you really feel. It is not your fault that you feel insecure in this situation and reassurance from your partner can help put your mind at ease. Be as candid as possible.

2. Take time to understand how you really feel about your marriage in the light of recent events. Again, there are no right or wrong answers here. Be honest with yourself and with your husband. A few things that may help you decide are:

Whether he is genuinely apologetic and feels guilty for his actions
Is he taking accountability or is he trying to shrug off responsibility by blaming you, or other factors in your marriage for cheating?
Do you feel you have it in you to trust him again?
What will it take in order for you to trust him?
Have there been genuine efforts from his end to repair your relationship?

3. Seek out support from friends and family. You don’t need to shoulder all of it alone, and it is always okay to ask for help. You can also consider reaching out to a therapist for personal counseling or couple’s counseling. Counseling can provide you with the safe space you need in order to process and heal.

4. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally. You deserve to be taken care of, especially when you don’t feel like it.

5. Set healthy boundaries with your husband. This will of course require open and honest communication from both of you. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.

Related Reading: Why do I still care about someone who hurt me?

In the end, what matters most is if you want to give this another chance and if your husband is willing to make up for his infidelity. Remember to stay patient both with yourself and your husband. Remember that change does not take place overnight, and that it will take work from both of you in order to repair your relationship.

FAQs

1. How to cope with a cheating husband?

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you try to overcome cheating:
1. Allow yourself to experience your emotions as and when they pop up. Be kind to yourself and reach out for support. There’s nothing wrong in asking for help.
2. Introspect to figure out where you want to take your marriage from here, and what you need most right now. It could be anything from space to more reassurance from your husband.
3. Be prepared to have honest conversations about this with your husband. This will also help you realize what sort of room for repair your relationship has.
4. Remember that both you and your husband will have to put in the work to rebuild your relationship. There may be a few issues that come up, aside from the cheating, which may be creating distance between the two of you.
5. Consider going for marital therapy, in order to establish healthy communication and to help both of you navigate your relationship in light of cheating.
Perhaps most importantly, be patient, both with yourself and your husband.

2. Should I stay with a cheating husband?

In all honesty, this is not a question anyone else can answer for you. This will have to be a decision that you make, because you will be most affected by the consequences of your decision. Here are a few things that can make the process easier:
1. Consider how you feel about him and your relationship. Do you have it in you to give this another shot, and to put in the work to make it work?
2. Does your husband seem genuinely apologetic, or does he only seem sorry for being caught? Have there been genuine efforts from his end, in order to make up for his actions? Is he taking accountability or is he throwing around blame?
3. Are you willing to put your faith in the same person again?

Take your time in answering these questions and don’t feel pressured to make a particular decision. Be authentic and mindful of your experience.

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