A narcissistic wife can make your life a living hell. Even as you put up with her unrealistic demands and emotional attacks, telling yourself, “I guess that’s just married life”, a part of you knows all too well that this is not what a healthy relationship feels like. 

If this has been the story of your married life, it’s time to acknowledge the problem rather than run away from it. And the first step toward this is to recognize the narcissistic wife signs. We, at Bonobology, are here to help you understand what the signs of a narcissistic woman are and how you can deal with them effectively, in consultation with psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couples counseling.

Who Is A Narcissistic Wife?

Given that social media has led us to believe that everyone who’s a little self-absorbed is a narcissist, it’s important to understand what a narcissistic woman is like. Nandita explains, “A narcissist is a person who is self-absorbed and has a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement.” A narcissistic woman is all about herself, her needs, and her desires, and she expects everyone around her, especially her spouse, to cater to her whims. 

Related Reading: 8 Signs of Covert Narcissist Hoovering And How You Should Respond

Being married to a narcissistic woman, therefore, means being controlled and manipulated constantly. As if, you’re living in a perpetual one-woman show, where she’s the star and you’re a prop. These issues get worse when you’re an empath married to a narcissist. Here’s why being in a relationship with a female narcissist can drain the life out of you:

• You may find yourself walking on eggshells, afraid to say or do anything that might upset her fragile ego
• She thrives on attention and validation
• Any perceived criticism or disagreement can set off a storm of rage and manipulation
• You’re in a constant battle between keeping the peace and maintaining your own sanity
• You’re trapped in a never-ending game where the rules keep changing and you can never win

If your partner checks these boxes, you may find yourself desperately looking for an answer to, “How do I survive a narcissistic wife?” And the sooner you’re able to realize what it is you’re dealing with, the faster you’ll be able to figure out how to retain a relationship with a narcissist. 

11 Signs Of A Narcissistic Wife

Understanding the signs of a narcissistic marriage might be useful simply because it can help you save yourself from a lot of emotional pain and trauma. The worst part is, if you aren’t aware that the signs are indeed those of a narcissist, you may even try to shrug the irrational behavior off as something that often happens in a marriage. 

If you often find yourself questioning yourself, “How do I survive my wife’s constant abuse?”, understanding where her attitude and behavior stems from may give you some perspective on how to navigate your marriage in a way that’s least damaging to you. Now, let’s take a look at some classic signs of narcissism:

1. She will be fiercely competitive

One example of narcissistic behavior in a relationship is a woman who competes with everyone around her. A healthy sense of competition is good, but a narcissistic woman will be in a constant competitive mode, be it with her coworkers, friends, or other women. For instance:

• A casual game night with her friends on Fridays won’t just be a “fun” experience, because she’ll do anything to be the best of the lot
• She would want to be the center of attention and may have an insatiable desire to be the prettiest and most successful woman in every family gathering 

Related Reading: Crazy Wife? Signs, Reasons And Ways To Deal With Her

2. She will do anything to maintain her superiority in the family

Nandita says, “A narcissistic woman will create discord within her own family, often gaslighting or emotionally playing around to maintain her superiority within the family.” In such cases, building healthy family dynamics becomes an insurmountable challenge. Here are some red flags of being married to a narcissistic woman you need to look out for: 

• Competition with her own children: Sometimes, female narcissists end up competing with their children, especially their daughters. This mostly happens when the daughter is coming of age, as there can be a subtle level of subconscious jealousy that can turn into resentment over time
• Disrupted family dynamics: A narcissistic woman’s self-centeredness and need for constant attention can disrupt the harmony and balance within the family, creating an atmosphere of tension and emotional volatility. She may try and isolate her partner from his parents and siblings
• Emotional manipulation of family members: Such women often use narcissistic emotional manipulation tactics to control and manipulate family members. They use guilt, gaslighting, and other techniques to maintain power and dominance within the family
• Low self-esteem of family members: Living with a narcissistic woman can lead to diminished self-esteem and self-worth among family members, as their needs and emotions are consistently disregarded or belittled, fostering a sense of unworthiness and self-doubt

3. She is incredibly defensive

One of one of the most evident insecure narcissist wife traits is she cannot accept any criticism about her flaws but often takes a no-holds-barred approach to criticizing others and making her disdain evident. Nandita explains, “Narcissists never usually admit that they have done anything wrong or committed a mistake. They never apologize and continue to defend themselves till the end. They also often argue without valid points.”

In a marriage, such a partner can be impossible to have a conversation with. If you are arguing with your narcissistic spouse, remember, she won’t even tolerate constructive criticism. This is why being with a narcissist can have a tremendously negative impact on you. 

Related Reading: Fixing a Toxic Relationship – 21 Ways To Heal TOGETHER

4. She will be overly concerned with her appearance

An example of narcissistic behavior in a relationship is when your wife is obsessed with looks and the desperate need to portray a fabulous image to the world. Such women may give off vibes of being supremely confident and may appear to have high self-esteem. But, deep down, they’re just insecure women who thrive on validation and get it from all sources, even through superficial means.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that your spouse trying to look her best should immediately send you wondering, “Is my partner a narcissist?” However, if she does, in fact, suffer from NPD, this trait will appear along with other narcissistic wife signs. 

5. She loves materialistic things

Designer clothes, cars, handbags, jewelry—a narcissistic woman can never have enough of these. Nandita explains, “Her happiness in the relationship seems to come from materialistic things and flashy objects. She isn’t interested in abstract things, such as emotions or love.” Narcissism hidden in materialism could look like this:

• She masks insecurity through materialism: She may attempt to conceal her insecurities by using extravagant purchases, such as designer clothing or luxury accessories, to create a false sense of worthiness and validation
• The need for validation doesn’t end: While material possessions may provide temporary relief, they do not address the underlying insecurities. The cycle of seeking validation through materialism continues even if she has enough
• She has a desire to make others envious: She seeks to be the center of attention and craves the envy of others. Acquiring expensive items or going on exotic vacations becomes a way to assert her status and dominance, fueling her need for admiration and validation

6. She will be jealous

A narcissistic woman is often jealous of other women, be they your friends’ wives (especially if they are high achievers), your family (if they don’t give her enough importance), or the world in general. This happens because narcissistic behavior stems from the assumption that they’re entitled to special treatment and attention no matter where they go. This is what you can expect:

• When the spotlight isn’t on them, they get jealous and may even want to remove themselves from the situation, be it a a party, a family gathering, or a social event
• Even if she doesn’t leave in the middle of a party or event where she isn’t getting any attention, you can be sure she’s going to have a lot to say on the way back home
• Her endless parties inevitably turn into gossip sessions. This is because she loves to get together with her posse of friends and talk about people behind their backs. It’s a way of proving she is superior to others

Related Reading: 11 Warning Signs Of A Toxic Relationship

7. She loves drama

One of the glaring narcissistic wife traits is that she’ll love hogging the limelight and feeding off the reactions of others. Drama is inevitable if you’re married to a narcissistic woman because a female narcissist is known to indulge in histrionics. Look out for these signs:

• If called out for her flaws, she will constantly hark back to the past, often adding irrelevant details
• She may go from talking about her day to accusing you of berating her or causing her mental or even physical harm since narcissists love to play the victim card

8. She loves pitting people against one another

Ever wondered why your mother and your wife have always been at loggerheads with each other; or why your friends and relatives seem to have problems with her? One of the signs of a covert narcissist wife is that she will have a predisposition for animosity toward your friends and family members. And her insatiable desire to control everything and everyone is mostly caused by deep-seated insecurities. 

It’s evident that one of the effects of being married to a narcissist wife is that you’ll be isolated from your family and friends. Such women may gossip about one person to another, often embellishing their stories with lies, knowing fully well that it will trigger a problem. This is also a glaring sign that your wife is manipulative to the core. 

Related Reading: 7 Signs Of Narcissistic Relationship Pattern And How To Avoid Them

9. She uses her sexuality to her advantage

Narcissists perhaps don’t know how to love. Nandita explains, “A narcissistic wife often uses her sexuality to get what she wants in the relationship. So, one of the effects of being married to a narcissist wife is that you will be used and abused sexually.” Here are a few patterns you need to be aware of:

• She demands sex whenever she needs it, without any regard for you
• She uses sex to control the relationship, denying intimacy when you haven’t lived up to her standards of behavior
• She manipulates you emotionally by making you feel inferior in your intimate moments
• She indulges in inappropriate flirtatious behavior with other men to make you jealous

10. She doesn’t care about boundaries

Another of the signs of a covert narcissist wife is that she will be so obsessed with herself, her needs, and her space, that she won’t have any respect for others’ boundaries. Such a woman operates from a sense of ownership over everyone. Your phone won’t be your own, you may not have any personal space, and the things you need won’t be important to her. It’ll always be her way or the highway. 

“Is my partner a narcissist?”, asked our reader Damian, a 44-year-old teacher from Wisconsin, adding, “Every time I suggest something, she scoffs at the idea of us not doing what she wants to. It’s like I’m not allowed to express my opinions or even state what I want. It’s always her and what she wants. In my head, I do everything right, but it’s never good enough for her. My partner makes me feel like a loser!” This is a classic case of living with a narcissist wife.

Related Reading: How To Make A Narcissist Miserable – 13 Things To Do

11. She will stonewall you to manipulate you 

When you have a fight with your narcissistic partner, she is likely to give you the silent treatment. She may punish those she feels have wronged her (including her husband) with the narcissist mean-nice cycle. These actions may significantly damage the male partner’s psyche. 

Nandita says, “In a way, your relationship will have no emotional connect. Every little argument will turn into a bad case of powerplay And stonewalling or the silent treatment will be her favorite weapon to manipulate you.”

How Do I Deal With A Narcissistic Wife?

In case you’ve identified a few signs you are married to a narcissist, don’t fret. You may feel sorry for yourself, give in to anger, or even feel frustrated about the hand you’ve been dealt. A natural question would be, “How do I survive a narcissistic wife?” and the answer to that would come down to how well you know your wife. This answer will help you in your endeavor to figure out how to deal with a narcissistic partner. 

As you struggle to come to terms with the possibility that you have a narcissistic wife, it may seem like you’ll never be able to curb – or even get used to – your spouse’s behavior. But if walking away is not an option, what should you do to survive narcissistic oppression in your marriage? Here are some useful tips:

1. Pick your battles wisely

If you’re often googling about how to live in peace with a narcissist, remember to pick your battles wisely. A narcissistic woman is forever ready to shift the blame to others. If you feel insulted by every barb or taunt aimed at making you feel small and unimportant, you will be wasting a lot of energy.

If you’re living with a narcissist wife, you can’t give in to any and every fight she brings up. Sometimes, it’s okay to ignore her and walk out if you feel the fight isn’t worth your time or energy. However, if the subject is important, like your children or your well-being, make sure you hold your ground. 

Related Reading: Arguments In A Relationship —Types, Frequency, And How To Handle Them

2. Draw boundaries early on

One of the biggest narcissistic wife traits is that she’ll have no respect for your healthy boundaries. One effective way of dealing with this is to draw a line in the sand about what is acceptable to you and what is not. Nandita says, “Make sure that you aren’t falling into any of her manipulative traps. Create boundaries and don’t allow her to overstep.” For instance:

• If she has a habit of putting you and your career down in an effort to praise her own, call her out
• If she doesn’t have any regard for your personal space and goes through your phone and email regularly, make it clear that you aren’t fine with it
• If she ridicules you or is sarcastic about your flaws, tell her that you don’t like being taken for granted and that you don’t feel respected 

3. Practice self-care

If you’ve identified some signs you are married to a narcissist, remember to heal by indulging in self-care activities. Nandita says, “If it’s a personality flaw of yours that is making her control you, try and work on it to get into a better space.” Dealing with an egomaniac can be emotionally draining. You need to make a conscious effort to take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. 

The key is to shift from thinking about what satisfies a narcissist to what would be healthy for you in the long run. Here are a few tips for you to cope with the toxicity and maintain your sanity:

• Set aside dedicated “me” time: Carve out some time in your schedule that is solely dedicated to self-care. Whether it’s a few minutes each day or a more extended period once a week, use this time to engage in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and rejuvenation
• Prioritize your physical health: Take care of your body by getting enough sleep, eating nutritious meals, and engaging in regular exercise. Physical well-being is closely tied to emotional well-being, and by taking care of your body, you’ll be better equipped to handle the challenges that come with dealing with a narcissistic spouse and build your self-esteem in the relationship
• Engage in activities that nourish your soul: Identify activities that bring you peace, fulfillment, and happiness, and make them a regular part of your routine. It could be engaging in a creative hobby, spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness or meditation, or anything else that helps you feel centered and connected to yourself
• Seek social support: Surround yourself with a support system of friends and family or support groups who understand your situation and can provide advice and empathy. Spending time with people who genuinely care about you and uplift your spirits can offer a much-needed respite from the challenges of your marriage
• Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. Recognize that you’re dealing with a difficult situation, and it’s normal to have a range of emotions. Treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience that you would extend to a close friend going through a challenging time

4. Use ‘We’ instead of ‘I’ to resolve arguments

As you already know, one of the signs of a narcissistic woman is that she is all about ‘I, me, and, myself.’ So, when you are approaching her, try the ‘we’ route. This is what you can do:

• If you want to make up after an argument, you can take it upon yourself to mend fences
• Involve her in the reconciliation process and remind her of the common goals of your marriage/relationship and how it hurts when she makes it all about herself
• Instead of saying things like, “I hate it when you don’t care about what I’m saying,” try saying something like, “We don’t treat each other well, and it’s not doing us any good.” 

A narcissistic wife is only going to care about your marital problems if she can see how they’re affecting her negatively too.

5. Do not give in to attention-seeking tactics

If you’re asking yourself how to live in peace with a narcissist, well, do not give in to her attention-seeking tactics all the time. When your wife throws a tantrum or starts complaining, it might be an exaggeration resulting from her love for drama. Realize that it is her insecurity that is making her behave inappropriately and disrespectfully. Take some time off or maybe even a long break from the abusive relationship.

Remember, when you’re married to a female narcissist, it’s important to put yourself first. Here are a few reasons why this is undeniably important:

• For protecting your mental and emotional well-being: Refusing to give in to the toxic tactics of a vain wife helps safeguard your mental and emotional health, preventing the erosion of your self-esteem and preserving your sense of self-worth
• For maintaining personal boundaries and autonomy: Resisting her manipulative tactics allows you to maintain your own boundaries, asserting your autonomy and preserving your individuality within the relationship
• For fostering healthy relationships: By not giving in to her toxic tactics, you create space for healthier and more balanced relationships in your life, promoting emotional well-being and allowing for genuine connections based on trust, respect, and mutual support

Related Reading: First Year Marriage Problems: 5 Things Newly-Wed Couples Fight About

6. Therapy is always an option 

If you’ve noticed the signs of a narcissistic woman, meaning, someone whose self-involved ways harm your mental or physical health, it’s important to understand that this abuse may require psychotherapy and medication. 

John, a 28-year-old musician from New York, wrote to us: “My wife is a narcissist, and the emotional abuse was harming my mental state. Every time she brushed off my concerns and belittled me, it ate away at my confidence and self-esteem a little more. I started feeling like marriage wasn’t for me. But once I opted for therapy, I realized it was pertinent for her to go to therapy too. It took us a lot of effort, but we’re managing to work through it.” 

Going by this example, it’s also important to keep in mind the following points:

• Professional help can provide you with valuable insights into narcissistic behavior, helping you better understand the dynamics of your relationship and how to navigate them
• Therapists can teach you practical techniques and coping strategies to manage the challenges and emotional turmoil that come with dealing with a narcissistic spouse
• A mental health professional can validate your experiences and provide a safe space for you to express your emotions, helping you feel heard, understood, and supported
• Working with a therapist can help you build resilience, boost your self-esteem, and regain a sense of self-worth that may have been eroded by the manipulative behavior of your wife

If you’re married to a female narcissist and you’re looking for a professional mental health therapist to guide you through the road to recovery, Bonobology’s panel of experienced therapists will be glad to help you. 

Final Thoughts

Dealing with a narcissistic woman needs a lot of patience and requires constant work on your self-worth. This might clash with your own sense of ego, and you need to preserve your own energies while surviving in such a marriage. But make sure you take action before her narcissistic personality traits lead you to a downward spiral. So, if you’ve found that your wife exhibits all (or most) of these signs of a narcissistic woman listed above, it’s imperative that you address the elephant in the room as soon as possible. We hope our expert-backed tips will help you along the way. 

How To Get Out Of A Controlling Relationship – 8 Ways To Break Free

10 Signs You Are In A Loveless Marriage

Confession Story: How I Dealt With Having An Affair With My Boss

Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.

See Our Editorial Process

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

What is your feedback?

×

Helpful Report an Error Other

Submit