When it comes to matters of the heart, some rules are non-negotiable across cultures and countries. For example, cheating or infidelity is considered to be one of the worst relationship offenses one can commit. However, while sympathy generally lies with the person being cheated on, very few talk about the third wheel in a relationship and the psychological effects of being the other woman in an instance of cheating.

We consulted Sushma Perla, NLP coach, and counselor to shed some light on the perspective of the other woman. What are some tips on how to deal with the trauma of being a mistress? Does the guilt of cheating ever go away? Here’s what she says, “The truth is that no one can actually judge what goes on in a marriage. Why does a committed man fall in love with another person and what does the actual heartbreak of being a mistress feel like? Maybe the marriage was already failing and the mistress is being villainized for no reason. Point being, these situations are usually more complex than we realize,” Let’s understand the matter in detail.

What Is It Like Being The Other Woman?

“Since time immemorial the proverbial ‘other woman’ has been vilified and looked down upon,” observes Sushma. “There is very little discussion on dealing with the heartbreak of being a mistress or how does the other woman feel. And mind you, it can often be very destructive to a woman’s mental and emotional health.”

Take for example one of the most famous love triangles in recent history – Lady Diana’s ill-fated marriage to Prince Charles and the presence of his current wife Camilla in the equation. “There were three people in this marriage” was Diana’s iconic statement in an interview that is quoted even today.

But while Diana won the hearts of millions across the world as the pained princess, Camilla was portrayed in a very unflattering light in most books, articles, and movies. The world automatically assumes that the other woman is the villain in the story. We hardly ever stop to wonder, “How does the other woman feel when the wife finds out and labels her (the mistress) a home wrecker?”

Susanne, a 39-year-old marketing director who once fell in love with a married man, shared her perspective on the matter. “I was going through a tough time when he came into my life. I knew he was committed but he had always painted his marriage as dysfunctional. Little did I know that he was conveniently bending the truth. I eventually realized that I’m the other woman in the relationship and he does not see me as much more. At the end of the day, he loves his wife.”

“By the time I realized fully what I had gotten myself into, I was already deeply involved. Yes, I was in love and I was judged by everyone constantly. The relationship finally crumbled. When a married man pulls away from his mistress, he is ‘forgiven’ by his wife, and the mistress is left with nothing but a tarnished reputation. No one shows any empathy for how does the other woman feel when he goes back to his wife, leaving the other woman he had claimed to adore for years. So much for love,” adds Susanne.

In many instances like that of Susanne, the trauma of being the other woman is equally agonizing, if not worse, than the betrayal suffered by the wife. The stress might be different for both women but neither situation is less painful. Let’s understand the psychology of being a mistress in detail.

20 Psychological Effects Of Being The Other Woman

In most cases of infidelity, the person who is at the receiving end of the worst kind of judgment is the woman who falls in love with a committed man. (Strangely, the man is more easily let off the hook, even though he’s the one who cheated. But that’s another story altogether). In the popular imagination, the characteristics of the other woman are all too stereotypical. She is portrayed as selfish, needy, clingy, and indifferent to the feelings of the wife. 

Related Reading: Do Affairs That Break Up A Marriage Last?

In reality, the woman has to tolerate the taunting comments and hate speeches hoping one day her man will break free of his unhappy marriage and choose her. But again, the lack of assurance of this prospect won’t let her sleep at night. Here’s how being the ‘illicit’ partner affects a woman:

1. The guilt is intense

“One of the biggest psychological effects of being the other woman is the intense feeling of guilt,” says Sushma. “If you are a sensitive and emotional person, being guilt-tripped into believing that you are solely responsible for breaking up a marriage can have a deep impact on you.”

So, how does having an affair with a married man make you feel? Anxious. Guilt-ridden. Indecisive. It’s a never-ending battle between the devil and angel sitting on your shoulder. While one spirit reminds you that ‘everything is fair in love and war’, the other labels you as the villain.

The guilt will never actually allow you to enjoy the romantic firsts in a relationship the way they’re meant to be. There will always be that nagging feeling that the society, your friends, and family will never accept the relationship fully, even if they support you. Plus, you will want to remain in denial of the impact your long-term affair is going to have on the wife or the family, which can subconsciously add to the guilt.

2. The mind games can and will tire you

Initially, the thrill of the forbidden love can seem very tempting, and that is perhaps your answer to the question, “Why am I ok with being the other woman?” The thrill of the temptation and secrecy are the only benefits in such arrangements. The feeling of that rush gets to you but once the ardor wears off and the real problems emerge, the deception and lies required to keep the relationship going can be exhausting.

The man will have to constantly lie – to either his family or to you and you will also start disliking that over time. Grace explains why she had to finally break up. “I wasn’t even sure whether he was serious about me or our relationship. He would say I was special but I was never his priority. After years of being led on, letting go was the right thing to do for my own sanity.”

Related Reading: How to start dating: Tips For Beginners & Those Starting Again

3. You may develop trust issues

When you are in love with a married or committed man, you are aware of the annoying fact that you will have to keep it a secret, come what may. This can eventually lead to trust issues because you are constantly looking over your shoulders. Will you be spotted with him? Will anyone find out in the office that you two sort of like each other? Will you forever be defined by the quintessential characteristics of being the other woman in an emotional affair?

Finally, the all-important question comes up. Can you trust your man? You will keep wondering if he is spending time with his wife when he is not with you (chances are, he is). You’d start feeling jealous even though you were well aware of the existence of the ‘wife’ in the picture.

Related Reading: Dear Wife Of Cheating Husband, This Is Why I Don’t Feel Guilty

4. You fear your judgment

Forget trust in others, you begin to often question your judgment and trust in yourself to make the right decisions and that is the real pain of being the other woman. Sushma narrates the case of a client who was deeply affected after being the other woman for years and then dumped. “She gave her all and waited for years hoping to make the relationship official.”

“Unfortunately, her man chose his wife over her despite his undeniable emotions for her. It was a huge blow and she confessed to me that she blamed her lack of better judgment for the position she found herself in. When a married man pulls away from his mistress, it can cause a lot of hurt for her” she says. Often the heartbreak of being the other woman can last for a long time. Consequently, the process of healing after being the other woman can also take a while and there is no straight path. You may hesitate to ask for help out of shame, and even when you do, you may receive judgement and hostility instead of empathy.

5. The pressure of secrecy can be depressing

The constant pressure of sustaining a secret relationship can be one of the most daunting psychological effects of being the other woman. 

• Your social media status may scream single when the truth is you are not
• You cannot be seen in public nor can you do any other things regular couples do
• You have to make up excuses when a friend or family member tries to set you up with someone

When asked how it feels to be the other woman, a reader named Sophia (name changed) told us, “I honestly do not even feel like myself anymore. From hiding text messages to never being able to post pictures on social media, the pain of being the other woman is quite real. These might seem like small things at first but they can make you feel like your relationship does not even exist.”

How does the other woman feel about the wife? People think she is indifferent to the wife’s feelings but that’s far from the truth. Often, women stuck in such situations feel intense feelings of guilt thinking about the wife and the family that may get hurt because of her. And then there is this big problem you did not see coming. Your holidays, vacations, and other normal activities would always have to be enjoyed in secrecy with your man. Socially and on social media, you may have to constantly see pictures of him with his family. It can be soul-crushing overall.

Related Reading: 15 Signs You’ll Get Back Together With Your Ex

6. Your patience may wear out

You will really learn to have to be patient when it comes to being involved with or dating a married or committed man. Things may be different if it is not a long-term affair but just a one-time fling, but if you enter a relationship with a married man hoping he would divorce his wife or leave his committed partner, it’s going to be a long wait.

Especially if the man shares a home and children with his wife, he might never be able to cut them off entirely. For the children’s sake, he will have to stick around. Deep relationships are never easy to break so you will just need to bide your time. But for how long?

Chloe (name changed), a journalist based in New Delhi told us, “I’m the other woman in a relationship but I am frankly tired of being so. It is weighing on my mind constantly and waiting for my boyfriend to leave his wife and spend the rest of his life with me just seems like a distant dream that won’t come true. He often tells me that he will leave her but he still picks up her calls when he’s spending the night at my place. I don’t think I can live like this anymore.”

Related Reading: 25 Bedtime Stories For Girlfriend

7. It can be draining on the mind and body

One of the psychological effects of being the other woman is that the guilt, pressure, and insecurity can be draining on the body and mind. You may even feel resentful toward the person that you were seeing or you might even feel resentful toward yourself.

“One of the main reasons for feeling resentful is that you may find very little support for your actions. The percentage of affairs turning into a long-term relationship or new marriage is very small. Lifelong extramarital affairs are even rarer to come by which is why there are truly no benefits to being the other woman,” says Sushma. “It’s like entering a sport knowing that you will be at the losing end. Unless you are very clear about your goals, such a relationship will drain you and that is exactly how it feels to be the other woman.”

8. It affects your self-confidence and self-esteem

You know you are his little secret, one that even he probably feels very guilty about. No matter what he feels for you, at the end of the day, he will try to save his image before society and prioritize his own family. As you repeatedly fail to convince him to get out of the marriage, you will start questioning your self-worth.

A common aspect of the psychology of being a mistress is the gradual erosion of self-confidence. As mentioned earlier, whenever an affair is discovered, it is the affair partner who gets the maximum flak. You can try to be blasé about it but being constantly blamed and judged (not to mention the scandal and gossip it inevitably gives rise to in social circles) can impact your self-confidence in other aspects of life too. It may affect your career and self-esteem.

9. You may feel socially isolated 

Being the other woman can push you into social isolation. The secrecy of the relationship and the fear of judgment prevent you from confiding in friends or family, leaving you feeling lonely. You may also begin avoiding social situations to prevent questions or suspicion. This isolation can deeply affect your mental health and sense of belonging.

Amelia, a teacher, shares, “I couldn’t talk to my friends or family about the relationship. I felt like I had no one to turn to, and the isolation was crippling.”

10. You might become overly dependent on him 

With limited emotional outlets, you may start relying solely on your partner for emotional support. This dependence can create an unhealthy power dynamic, where your happiness is tied entirely to his availability and attention. Over time, this imbalance can leave you feeling powerless and trapped. Hannah, a graphic designer, explains, “I relied on him emotionally because he was the only one who knew the full story. But that dependence made me feel powerless and trapped.”

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11. You could develop anxiety 

 The constant stress of maintaining a secret relationship, combined with the uncertainty of its future, can lead to chronic anxiety. Worrying about being discovered or overthinking his actions can cause sleepless nights and even physical symptoms like headaches or fatigue. Kathy recounts how the secrecy led to constant anxiety attacks. “I’d panic every time my phone buzzed, thinking it might be his wife discovering the affair.”

12. You might internalize shame 

Society’s judgment often falls hardest on the other woman, and over time, you may start believing the negative stereotypes about yourself. This internalized shame can lower your self-esteem and make it harder to see yourself positively. Margaret, who once had an affair with a married man, admits, “The societal judgment seeped into my own thoughts. I started believing I was the villain, even when I knew the relationship wasn’t entirely my fault.”

Related Reading: 15 Subtle Ways A Virgo Man Tests You—And How To Respond

13. Your personal goals might take a backseat 

Focusing on a relationship that feels all-consuming and drains your time and energy can lead to neglecting your own aspirations and growth. You may find yourself sacrificing personal or professional opportunities, which can lead to regret later. Madison confesses, “I turned down a promotion to stay in the same city as him. Looking back, I sacrificed too much for someone who gave too little.”

14. You may struggle with future relationships 

Being the other woman can create lasting trust issues and emotional baggage that carry over into future relationships. You may find it harder to trust or open up to a new partner, fearing a repeat of past experiences. Ava shares, “After leaving the relationship, I found it hard to trust anyone new. I kept thinking every man would hide something from me.”

15. Your moral values could come into question 

Being in a relationship with a married man often conflicts with personal or societal moral standards. Wrestling with these values can lead to significant inner conflict, as you try to reconcile your actions with your beliefs. Natalia reflects, “I constantly battled with guilt and felt like I was betraying my own values. It’s a conflict I wouldn’t wish on anyone.”

16. You might develop a fear of commitment 

The instability and lack of commitment in the relationship can shape your views on love and partnership. You may begin to associate relationships with uncertainty and betrayal, making it difficult to commit to someone new.

For Riley, the lack of commitment in her past relationship made her hesitant to dive into serious relationships again. “I couldn’t shake off the fear of being hurt the same way.”

Related Reading: The Hidden Benefits Of Divorce

17. You might idealize the relationship 

The secrecy and excitement of the relationship can make it feel more special than it actually is. This idealization can keep you emotionally invested, even when the relationship is clearly unhealthy. Shawna admits, “I clung to the idea of ‘what could be’ rather than facing the reality of ‘what is.’ It kept me stuck in a fantasy for far too long.”

18. You may experience financial strain 

If you contribute disproportionately to maintain the relationship or compensate for his unavailability, it could lead to financial stress. Paying for hidden getaways or covering expenses to avoid suspicion can take a toll. Charlotte shares, “I ended up spending so much on secret trips and gifts to keep the relationship going. In the end, it drained my savings and left me feeling foolish.”

Related Reading: Falling In Love With A Married Man? Here’s How You Lie To Yourself!

19. The impact on future friendships 

Being the other woman doesn’t just affect your romantic relationships; it can also influence your friendships. The secrecy and guilt often lead to isolation, making it difficult to maintain genuine connections. Additionally, friends who discover your involvement in such a relationship may judge you, leading to strained or broken bonds.

Take Beverly’s story, for example. “When my closest friend found out about my affair, she stopped speaking to me. She said she couldn’t support my choices, and that hurt more than I imagined,” Beverly recalls. Over time, she realized how much she valued honesty and connection in friendships. “I worked hard to rebuild my social circle with people who supported my growth, and I learned to prioritize open communication.”

Repairing and nurturing friendships after such an experience requires vulnerability and effort, but it’s an essential step in moving forward and fostering a support system that uplifts you.

20. You may emerge stronger after it’s over

Yes, this is one thing that is very true and an important thing to note about the psychology of being a mistress. So if someone asks for the benefits of being the other woman, this is perhaps the only one. It may sound strange but one of the positive effects of being the other woman in a relationship is that if you manage your expectations well, it can actually make you stronger. But the moot point is, that you will have to be realistic about the situation, which is the toughest thing to do. Sulochana J (name changed), a telecom professional, was in a relationship with a married man and says it changed her for the better.

“A benefit of starting a relationship as the other woman is that you start with the flaws first. I knew the guy I was seeing was a cheater. I also learned to keep my expectations from the relationship very low so I focused on the happy moments with him. I knew he would never give me the commitment I deserved. So I treated it like a casual relationship. Also, I could be completely honest with him – more than any of my other boyfriends – because I knew he wouldn’t judge me,” she says.

How Do You Deal With Being The Other Woman?

One morning you wake up and decide it’s time to stop being the other woman. ‘Why am I ok with being the other woman? Enough is enough! I deserve better than this,’ you say as you get out of bed. You realize that you are not obligated to put your mental health through this emotional hell. So what is the best way to start the healing process and end a long-term affair?

In worst cases, when an affair like this ends on a sad note, the other woman is often lacking in support and love from both her partner and society. There might be a situation when she has to pull up her socks and march ahead bravely on her own. Here are some ways to make moving on easier:

1. Don’t be harsh on yourself

Sushma says the first rule of healing is to be kind to yourself. “Let’s face it, you will be judged by the world, so do not add to that narrative. Remember that you are not just a part of an affair, you are a person who deserves love and whatever you did was part of that journey,” she adds.

Related Reading: What To Do When Your Husband Is Talking To Another Woman

2. Take a break, you deserve it

Olivia reveals that after she broke up with her married boyfriend, the first thing she did was to take a complete break from work and personal life. “I needed space to think long and hard, for this whole experience had been gut-wrenching for me. The entire affair and the end were rather emotional so the only way for me to detach myself was to get away from it all for a while,” she says.

3. Seek counseling

The problems of a complicated relationship (and the heartbreak of being the other woman) can get rather complex. You’d need a helping hand to get through this difficult phase of your life. And this is where counseling can play a role in healing after being the other woman.

No matter how much people around you empathize with you, anyone who hasn’t walked a mile in your shoes, can’t possibly understand what you’re going through. That’s why professional help can prove to be the savior you need to tide over this emotional turmoil. If you are struggling with your emotions, skilled and experienced counselors on the Bonobology counseling panel are here for you.

4. Shift the focus from him to you

If you feel you can’t let go of your married or ‘taken’ lover, it is most likely that he triggers certain feelings or emotions within you. It should perhaps give you an indication that it’s not the person but those feelings that you are more attached to. Focus on yourself and what you need to do to fulfill those emotional needs from another source. You need to practice self-love to heal from the pain of being the other woman.

5. Seek real love

If you confuse drama for love, you will always be disappointed. Accept that one of the characteristics of being the ‘other woman’ is that you have a tendency to be drawn to drama. Instead, know that you have to give yourself a chance at finding a real relationship where you get everything you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Being in a relationship with a married man is opening yourself to a lot of emotional pain because of the sheer complexity of the situation. Even if you are well aware of the pitfalls of being drawn to committed men, the going will be difficult after a point. The question you need to ask yourself is: are you ready for it and is it worth it?

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