Let’s paint a picture: It’s been months since you broke up with your ex. Somehow, you’ve managed to pull yourself through the dark abyss of heartbreak and have come a long way. You’re doing great at work and your social life is getting back on track. Gone are the days of sobbing at midnight or comfort-eating a tub of ice cream. Yet, every once in a while, you find yourself thinking about your former partner, wondering what it’d be like if you were still together or fondly reliving the times you spent together. This can mess with your head, and leave you wondering, “Why do I miss my ex?”
Perhaps, as you walk past a café on an ordinary Tuesday, you see a couple sharing a milkshake. You find yourself thinking, “What if my ex is doing the same thing with someone else now? Who will I share such moments with? Will I find anyone again?” And before you know it, there you are, falling through the rabbit hole of longing. My friend, we’ve all been there. It’s very common to miss someone you love(d) and wonder what to do when you miss your ex.
To give you a better understanding of what happens when you’re missing someone, I have roped in an expert. Kashish Vyas, an EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) therapist and practitioner who believes in working with the ‘inner child’ within everyone, sheds light on the reasons people miss their exes and some healthy coping mechanisms to deal with these feelings of longing. So, let’s explore why we miss our exes and how to get rid of these old patterns.
Why Do I Miss My Ex? 9 Possible Reasons
Table of Contents
We’re at our most vulnerable when our partner’s absence dawns on us; feeling empty after a breakup is quite common. Calla Quinn’s hauntingly beautiful words come to mind: “But nothing makes a room feel emptier than wanting someone in it.” It is important to be steered in the right direction when our emotions are reigning supreme. The first thing to do is to understand what we’re dealing with by exercising reason.
Missing an ex can stem from manifold reasons but a common denominator is certainly present. Kashish explains a common mistake we are all prone to, “When we start dating someone, we eventually try and fill the gaps within us through them. This happens quite unknowingly but our partners can never fill any void for us. It is not their responsibility or prerogative. We have to do our own emotional work. This is important to remember when you’re in a relationship, and when you’ve broken up as well. Perhaps you’re still trying to accomplish the same with an ex.”
On this note, let’s start exploring the possible reasons behind your questions – Why do I still think about my ex? Why do I miss my ex after a year? Why can’t I get over my ex? I miss my ex but I want to move on, what should I do? And the trickiest one of the lot: why in God’s name do I miss my ex-girlfriend who treated me badly or why do I miss my ex-boyfriend even when I know he’s toxic? Hope you’re buckled up because this ride is going to top every rollercoaster that exists.
Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Cope With Depression After Breakup
1. Your breakup is a watershed moment
A watershed moment is a turning point – nothing will be the same after it has occurred. A relationship becomes a huge determiner of routine. People become habituated to their partners – phone calls, texts, dinner dates, sleeping at each other’s place, or living together in case of a long-term relationship. Breakups fundamentally change that set way of life by disrupting routine.
Many people experience a loss of direction because the ground beneath their feet shifts. How to go about the day? Who to go back home to? Relationships lend context to our lives, and you might not be able to stop missing your ex because you are profoundly confused about where you are headed now. Therefore, it’s really no surprise that you’re asking: “Why do I miss my ex-girlfriend?” or “Why can’t I forget my ex-boyfriend?”
2. Why do I miss my ex? The rose-tinted nostalgia
There are times when you miss your ex but don’t want them back. It’s a frustrating, emotional, downward spiral, isn’t it? Sage, an artist from Ohio, laments that she is still in love with an ex, “Why do I miss my ex so much even though I left him? I made the decision, shouldn’t I have moved on easily?” Ah, it’s not so simple. You may not want them back for practical reasons, but your heart wants what it wants. You may have connected with them on an emotional, intellectual, sexual, romantic, or spiritual level.
It’s natural to miss them in this scenario and have flashbacks of how things were. Flashbacks of the past are a lot like a donut. They’re very sweet and appealing to look at, and they are very well-rounded too, but they have a huge gaping hole in the middle. Things are always rosy in retrospect. Reminiscing about the shared moments is one of the primary reasons for missing your ex. It comes from a place of craving intimacy.
Kashish says, “It is a basic evolutionary need—we all want intimacy. And there’s a history with the ex as you’ve spent so much time together. I would say that you’ve experienced different types of intimacy with each other. And it’s always the good parts that you keep revisiting. It’s natural to circle back to them in your mind.”
Related Reading: 10 Signs To Know Your Relationship Is Over
3. You’re hoping for a reconciliation
Why can’t I get over my ex, you wonder? If you’re still in love with your ex, then you might be harboring hopes of a reconciliation. You’re missing them because you are hoping that they find their way back to you. Nothing wrong with an optimistic outlook as long as you aren’t losing sight of what’s real. Being away from the one we love is difficult for sure. The feelings are so evidently there, and maybe they aren’t over you too. If there really is a chance of you both getting back together, I’m sure it’ll happen in due time. Perhaps it’s just a right person at the wrong time situation.
4. You’re trauma bonded to your ex
An abusive relationship can have a lasting impact on people. Trauma bonding refers to the bond that victims of abuse form with their abusers. They can even fall in love with partners who have tormented them emotionally and physically. Since the trauma runs deep, missing an abusive ex is very common after breakups. Several such people note: “I miss my ex so much I feel sick.”
“Most people try to complete themselves through a relationship. Even abusive relationships are an attempt at the same. The dynamics become twisted when one person begins controlling the other. A lot of work goes into healing and moving on from an abusive relationship because much reflection is required,” shares Kashish while explaining the dynamics of abuse.
5. Others don’t match up
Try to figure this out: When does missing your ex hurt the most? Is it when you have a falling out with a friend? Is it when you’re drunk and uninhibited? Is it when you see another couple madly in love? Or hearing about someone’s passionate night of sex is when you get heartsick over your ex the most? No, it’s when you start dating again and it makes you long for your ex. Here you thought you were taking five steps forward by dating new people and they seem to pull you back toward your ex. Ugh.
When you start to meet people after a breakup, it’s not uncommon to compare them to your ex. You might think, “She laughs too loudly, Susan was never this loud in public.” Your disapproval of the current partner, even a certain trait of theirs, can make you miss an ex. However, if in all these comparisons, your ex comes out on top and it makes you want to not be with the person you’re dating, it’s a sign that you aren’t quite over them. That’s why instead of giving the person you’re dating a fair chance, being with them makes you think, “I miss my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.”
Related Reading: 15 Signs You’re Still Not Over Your Ex
6. You’re missing the person you were with your ex
Post-breakup blues put a real damper on our lives. We become pessimistic and experience depressive phases. Lethargy, loss/gain of appetite, and insomnia can drag us down to rock bottom. This version of ourselves is quite disappointing to watch. Productivity is at an all-time low, and let’s not even get started on the lack of emotional stability.
“Why do I miss my ex even though they caused me pain in the end?” Because a partner brings out the best in us, you could be missing who you used to be with the ex. Outgoing, thoughtful, driven, and passionate. You might’ve learned new skills together too. Questioning your identity and wanting to go back to your own self can make you miss your ex.
Related Reading: Ways To Move On And Find Happiness All Over Again
7. A lack of closure
Kashish puts it best when he explains, “Closure is so vital. It’s quite unfortunate that not everyone gets it. Missing an ex can come from a place where there are many unresolved feelings and issues, where you have regrets about the way things panned out. And the solution to this is not forcing a closure. Rather, you have to heal by yourself and move on in the absence of closure.”
So true. Maybe you regret saying something harsh or doing something hurtful. Maybe you didn’t get the answers you were looking for. Maybe a lot was left unsaid and unfinished between you two. This lack of closure could be why you find yourself wondering, “Why can’t I get over my ex?”
8. Social media makes it hard to cut the cord
Social media is the iceberg and your journey of moving forward is the Titanic. Everything is great until the ex’s photo pops up on your timeline and you see them with another person. They post a status update that announces that they’re ‘taken,’ and boom! You’re spiraling and asking yourself repeatedly, “Why do I miss my ex-girlfriend/boyfriend?” This is precisely why you should block your ex on social media.
Being friends on Facebook, following them on Instagram, or even pestering mutual friends on updates on your ex’s life complicates things. You find yourself stalking them or having “midnight conversations” (WE ALL KNOW HOW THOSE GO) with them. Of course, you miss them, they’re present in your life all the time. Take my advice and unfollow the ex ASAP.
9. Missing: A for acceptance
This is the part where you get defensive. A strong possibility is that you’re missing your ex because you haven’t come to terms with the breakup. Your self-esteem is over-dependent on the fact that you are with someone. What’s the word I’m looking for? Denial. Registering and processing the event (as well as the emotions it entails) are crucial to moving on. You can’t be an ostrich and bury your head in the sand.
Not acknowledging what you’re going through, dismissing your feelings, or bottling them up is a recipe for emotional disaster. If you find yourself saying things like “Why do I miss my ex more as time goes on?”, then you need to properly grasp the end of the relationship. Did any of these reasons resonate with you? Did you have a moment where you thought, “Oh God, THAT’S what it is?” If yes, it’s time to take the next step. Scroll down to continue reading about what comes after unraveling the “why do I miss my ex” mystery.
Related Reading: 22 Tips To Forget Someone You Loved Once
What To Do When You Miss Your Ex
Since you now (hopefully) know WHY you’re missing your ex, half the job is done. We now move toward how to cope with the breakup and the feelings it brings in its wake. In this segment, we are going to roll up our sleeves and talk about a plan of action, depending on whether you want to figure out how to stop thinking about your ex and move on or get back together. Of course, the approach in both cases will be different but will require you to take decisive action to move past this stage of reminiscing and thinking about your ex. Let’s talk about how you can do that:
Related Reading: How To Get Over The Depression Of Breakup?
If you miss your ex but want to move on
When you miss your bygone love, everything becomes a ball of pain. Your insides twist and you’re full of longing. It feels as if it was just yesterday that you were with them, but in truth, it’s been a long time since you’ve seen them or heard their voice. Then the realization hits you, “It’s been a year and I still miss my ex”, and you begin to wonder what these feelings mean. You question yourself, “Where are these feelings coming from? Have I not moved on at all?”
Only you don’t really have any feelings for them anymore or feel attracted to them. Yet, this person’s memories linger on in your head. Even if you’re dating again after the breakup, and are happy in your current relationship.
Kashish gives us a valuable (and comforting) reminder of why this happens, and explains, “When a relationship ends, it’s important to recognize the role it played in your life. Honor it (and your ex) because this was a place where your time, efforts, and heart were invested. Of course, don’t romanticize it—just be cognizant of the place it once held.” Here are 5 tips on how you can do that and move on from thoughts and memories of your ex:
1. Resist the temptation to re-establish contact
When thoughts of your ex cloud your mind, it’s only natural to wonder, “Should I reach out to my ex? Well, resist that temptation. Feel like sending a text? Resist. Want to call them? Resist. Thinking of a friends-with-benefits or an NSA relationship with them? RESIST. Acting on any of these impulses wouldn’t be a good idea and you’ll keep wondering: Why do I miss my ex?
If you can’t stop missing your ex without having any contact, imagine what will happen if you establish a line of communication. Shun all these poor choices. If you’re planning on going drinking, give the phone to a friend or delete the ex’s contact.
2. Don’t idealize your ex or the relationship
After a breakup, it’s common to idealize your ex or the relationship. This is often an involuntary response to dealing with the pain and sense of loss by reliving positive memories. You must resist the urge to use this escape mechanism to detach from reality, however painful it might be.
This tendency can prevent you from moving on and finding happiness and new love. The key to figuring out how to stop missing your ex lies in being mindful of the fact that the relationship had its challenges and that there were reasons for the breakup. When you find yourself idealizing your ex or the relationship, try to focus on the negative aspects of your bond and go through your list of why it didn’t work out. This can help you move on and find closure.
Related Reading: 18 Proven Ways To Get Over Your Ex–Boyfriend And Find Happiness
3. Focus on yourself
How to stop missing someone, you ask? Shift focus from them to yourself. After you have mourned the relationship and come to terms with some of the pain, sit down and reflect on the progression of events. Look back to your relationship and see where you went wrong. Could things have been done differently? Are you noticing a pattern? Do you tend to repeat certain self-sabotaging behaviors? Are you attracted to a particular kind of person? Here are some ways exercises in self-awareness can help you move on:
- They help you identify your emotions: Self-awareness exercises can help you identify and understand your emotions. This can help you process your feelings in a healthy way and move on from your past relationship
- They help you understand your thought patterns: These exercises can help you become more aware of your thought patterns and the way you perceive and interpret situations. This can help you identify any negative thought patterns that may be holding you back and work on changing them
- They help you develop self-compassion: Self-awareness exercises can help you develop self-compassion and a greater understanding of yourself. This can help you treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness as you move on from your past relationship
- They help you set healthy boundaries: They can help you understand your needs and values, which can help you set healthy boundaries and prioritize emotional intelligence in relationships. This can help you avoid repeating the same patterns or behaviors that may have contributed to the breakup of your past relationship
- They help you develop a growth mindset: Self-awareness exercises can help you develop a growth mindset, which is the belief that you can learn and grow from your experiences. This can help you approach the end of your past relationship as an opportunity for growth
These exercises in self-awareness will go a long way in guiding you toward self-improvement. Everyone is flawed and perfection is a myth but we can prevent ourselves from repeating certain mistakes by being mindful. And introspecting after some time has passed gives us some objectivity. We come out of the ‘hurt mode’ we were in. This gives us a more detailed answer to “Why do I miss my ex?”, ultimately preventing us from making rash decisions.
4. Redirect your energies to other important life goals
Curiously, the answer to how to stop thinking about your ex is never to get with someone else. The path to moving on from someone lies in your growth as a person. So, decide on a duration of time in which you won’t date anyone. Get comfortable and happily single; try something new, go out on me-dates, take up a new hobby, socialize with friends and family, travel for leisure, go to a counselor and heal, channel your energies into building your career, engage in some physical activity you enjoy, and more, much more. Think of it as Mission Me!
When you refocus from the ex to yourself, your life will become much simpler. Strive to find satisfaction and fulfillment by pursuing things you like and staying busy with them. You’ll realize that taking care of yourself is much more fun and much needed too. Once you’re a little more stable by yourself, you can think of dating again.
Related Reading: How To Lose Feelings For Someone You Love And Let Go
5. Seek professional help
Being independent is an awesome life skill but healing can require some professional help. Reaching out to a counselor or therapist is a great step forward. Kashish elaborates, “When there’s a discussion about relationships or attachment styles, you have to go way back. The formative years – that’s where it all begins. You have to look at the relationship you share with your parents because that plays a very valuable role in your present relationships.
“I call this ‘shadow work.’ You have to do it for your well-being. When you go to a counselor, they make this journey easier – they speak to your inner child and fill the emotional gaps within. You gradually find peace as the sessions progress, and emerge as an evolved and emotionally stable individual.”
If you miss your ex and want to get back together
If you’re in a place where you miss your ex even though it’s been a while since you broke up and still have strong feelings for them, then it’s only natural that you’re harboring hopes of a reconciliation. While getting back together with an ex can be tricky because there is a whole lot of baggage to deal with, it can work out provided you approach the situation with maturity and not get swept up in emotions. Here is what you can do to open the door to a reconciliation if you just can’t bring yourself to figure out how to move on from an ex:
1. Reflect on why the relationship ended
Before reaching out to your ex, take a step back and reflect on the reasons for your breakup. Was it due to unresolved issues, miscommunication, or deeper incompatibilities? Understanding what went wrong will help you decide if getting back together is truly the right move. “Reconciliation should never be based solely on emotion. You need to assess whether the core issues that led to the breakup can realistically be resolved,” says Kashish.
It’s also important to assess whether you’re willing to work on the issues that drove you apart the first time around. For instance, if your breakup stemmed from a lack of trust, consider whether both of you are willing to rebuild that trust through open communication and consistent effort. To sort through the maze of thoughts, feelings, and complexities and gain clarity on whether getting back together would be a good idea, here are a few things you can try:
- Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can be a helpful way to reflect on your relationship. You can write about your experiences, your emotions, and your hopes and fears
- Talking to a trusted friend or family member: Talking to someone you trust can provide an outside perspective and help you process your emotions. A friend or family member can help you reflect on the relationship and the reasons for the breakup
- Seeing a therapist: A therapist can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to reflect on your relationship. They can help you gain insight into your thoughts and behaviors and help you develop coping strategies
- Practicing mindfulness: Mindfulness practices such as meditation or yoga can help you reflect on your relationship and your emotions. Mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings and develop greater self-awareness
- Writing a letter to your ex (but not sending it): Writing a letter to your ex can be a cathartic way to express your emotions and reflect on your relationship. However, it’s important not to send the letter, as this can lead to further emotional distress
Related Reading: The Most Common Reasons For Breakups
2. Work on yourself first
Given that you and your ex broke up, it’s clear that something about your relationship wasn’t working. While they may have played a role in that, so did you. Instead of rushing to reconcile, take the time to understand what parts of yourself you can improve to be a better partner to your ex this time around.
“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking time to heal and grow is key to forming a healthier, stronger bond if you decide to reconnect,” says Kashish. So, identify any unhealthy patterns and their underlying causes and fix them, and also make sure you’ve worked through all the emotional pain the breakup caused you before you work on getting together with your ex.
3. Test the waters with open, honest communication
If you’ve been contemplating, “Should I reach out to my ex?”, it would be a good idea to take the plunge if your heart is set on giving the relationship another chance. Reach out and try to gauge their feelings. Start with a light, non-confrontational message to re-establish contact and see if they’re open to reconnecting. Send a simple message like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you and hope you’re doing well. Would you be open to catching up sometime?” This opens the door without overwhelming them.
4. Revisit past issues with a solution-oriented mindset
If you’re both open to the possibility of getting back together, address past problems head-on instead of brushing them under the carpet for the sake of maintaining harmony. News flash: the only way to build a harmonious relationship is to have uncomfortable conversations and figure out how you’d address the challenges you faced as a couple differently this time.
For instance, if miscommunication was a major issue, consider agreeing to regular check-ins or even couples counseling to foster better understanding. If you struggled with insecurities, commit to fostering greater transparency so that both you and your partner feel secure in the relationship. As Kashis says, “It’s not enough to rekindle old feelings; both partners need to commit to change and growth to rebuild a new, healthier dynamic.”
5. Be prepared for any outcome
While the idea of getting back together might feel exciting, it’s important to stay grounded and open to the possibility that your ex may not feel the same way. If your ex isn’t on the same page as you, thank them for their honesty and focus on your own healing journey. It might hurt initially, but it will give you the much-needed closure to be able to move on.
Key Pointers
- Missing your ex even after substantial time has passed is normal if you have been in a close and intimate relationship
- You may miss your ex because you are remembering the good times you shared together. It’s important to remember that the relationship ended for a reason and focus on moving forward rather than dwelling on the past
- Sometimes, you may miss your ex simply because you’re attached to the idea of being in a relationship
- How you deal with this situation depends on whether you want to stop thinking about your ex and move on or get back together with them
- If you’re trying to figure out how to move on from an ex and stop missing them, resist the temptation to re-establish contact, and don’t idealize your relationship with them; instead, focus your energies on your growth
- If you want to give reconciliation a chance, reflect on why you broke up, work on yourself to address emotional pain as well as any unhealthy patterns that may have contributed to the breakup, talk to your ex about getting back together, revisit and resolve past issues
Final Thoughts
To sum up, your partner or ex can never do your emotional work for you. Healing is a slow process but you have to give it (and yourself) time. If you’re thinking, “I miss my ex but I want to move on,” we’re here to tell you that you definitely will. The best thing to do is to seek professional help which gives you the extra nudge that’s required. At Bonobology, we have relationship counselors ready to help, just a click away. Reach out to us if you need help. We’re always here for you.
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