Picture this: You’ve joined a new job and are crushing on your boss. He seems to be the epitome of perfection. He’s more mature than the guys you’ve been dating, he’s financially secure, and he seems quite attractive too. But there’s one hitch – he’s married. He flirts with you in your one-to-one meetings and asks you out after office one fine day. Cut to a few months later, and you’re in love with a married man! You can’t seem to detach from him, in spite of knowing it’s not leading anywhere.

The best recourse in such situations is to constantly remind yourself of the myriad disadvantages to dating a married man and use that awareness to distance yourself from him. The relationship will bring you nothing but a bad name, missed opportunities, and lots of pain and heartbreak. Add to that the guilt of breaking a home. And you have a recipe for disaster in the making. These are just some of the many reasons why you should never be in a relationship with a married man. Let’s explore these in greater detail.

25 Reasons You Should Not Have An Affair With A Married Man

If you’re constantly asking yourself questions such as, “Is it okay to be sleeping with a married man?”, allow us to burst your bubble. Rarely do such relationships stand the test of time and mature beautifully. More often than not, dating a married man brings you nothing but pain, anguish, despair and loneliness, along with regret and lost opportunities. To help you steer clear of the temptation of dating a married man, let’s take a closer look at 25 reasons why it’s a bad idea: 

1. There’s no future with a married man

One of the major reasons why you should not be dating a married man is because the relationship has no future. Even if you think that you complement each other or that you’re dating a married man who is unhappy in his marriage, it won’t work out if he isn’t willing to leave his wife—the chances of which are slim to none.

Related Reading: How To Get Over A Married Man That I Am Attracted To?

Nancy, a 35-year-old accountant from New Jersey, wrote to us: “I was once in love with a married man. He was my neighbor, and I wanted to settle down with him after his divorce. While he led me on, saying he was unhappy in the marriage, he eventually ended our relationship after a year, saying he couldn’t afford to hurt his wife.” From Nancy’s experience, we can gather that married men can just lie and get away with a short-term affair, without any intent to get a divorce.

2. You can’t trust him

This is one of the major problems you can face even if fall in love with a married man. If he’s in an extramarital affair, it means he is cheating on his partner with you. You can never trust him because there’s a high possibility that he may cheat on you with someone else. If he is lying to his wife, how can you be sure that he will be honest with you? It’s hard to foster trust in a relationship built on the foundation of cheating. 

3. You will have to deal with judgment and stigma

Even if you’re dating a married man who is unhappy in his marriage, remember, society at large doesn’t accept such relationships. You can expect the following reactions:

• You will be ostracized by society
• You will be blamed for being a homewrecker or the ‘other woman’ who ruined the marriage
• If you have been in an extramarital relationship with a coworker, it may jeopardize your career

4. Your emotions depend on his actions

“I love a married man and it hurts” – this becomes a common refrain if you get involved with a married man. Well, it’s quite possible that if you get into an argument with him, he may leave you and run straight into his wife’s arms, while you’re left crying and upset. 

In a way, you may slowly become emotionally dependent on him. The realization that he is with his wife and the argument might not affect him as much as it affects you, doesn’t help you to feel better either. 

5. You can’t depend on him

You cannot rely on a married man in tough times. He will be the first to run when trouble knocks on the door because of the fear of getting caught. You will be left to deal with your problems all by yourself, and that isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship. This lack of dependability isn’t just limited to crises. He wouldn’t be there even when you’re facing simple issues at home or at work. Some examples of such situations are:

• A medical emergency, such as getting yourself admitted to a hospital for an appendix operation
• A financial crunch or job loss
• A simple issue, like fixing your geyser or picking you up from the airport

Related Reading: A Girl Who Lost Her Virginity To A Married Man Shares Her Experience

6. You’ll end up giving a lot and expecting less in return

If you are with a married man, more often than not, it will feel like you’re doing the lion’s share of the work to keep the relationship afloat. It will always be you who has to adjust and understand, because his first priority will always be his wife and family. 

One of the major disadvantages of dating a married man is that you cannot expect much from your partner. You will end up in a toxic one-sided relationship with no expectations. In such cases, you can’t expect him to:

• Help you with your finances
• Be there in times of need, be it for something as simple as taking your dog to a vet
• Be your support system, strengthening your career or personal life

7. There’s no concept of loyalty

Related Reading: 12 Steps To Reinstate Love And Trust In A Marriage

8. You’ll always be a second option

This is another reason to avoid dating a married man. Loyalty is pretty much out of the question. At the end of the day, his loyalties lie with his wife and family. Besides, can you really expect loyalty from a man who’s cheating on his wife? You will inevitably find yourself in situations where you rue, “I love a married man and it hurts.” 

If you’re in love with a married man, ask yourself: do you really like the tag of the other woman? Because that’s what you will be: his second option. Of course, he may have chosen to go ahead with you because:

• You’re a respite from his sexless marriage
• He needs an emotional escape
• You’re good for his ego
• You’re easy to have an affair with (you have little or no demands)

Well, but no matter what the reason for decision to get involved with you, you will never be more important to him than his family.

9. He will see you as an easy escape, nothing more

For instance, a friend of mine, 25-year-old Diane, was being played by a married man in his late-30s for quite a few months. Eventually, she reached out to me in despair. “I am having an affair with a married man,” she blurted out. 

She then added, “How do I get myself out of this? He told me he was about to get separated from his wife, but his wife got in touch with me the other day and told me that he told her I was the one after him. I am going insane! I’ve lost my sleep over this.” Diane’s now doing well and is over the affair and regrets it. She swears never to get into something like that again.

This is one of the major reasons you should not even consider being in love with a married man. Even if he says he loves you the most, cares about you, and will marry you, the truth is he will always treat you as someone available for him at his convenience. He will, in all likelihood, never leave his wife even if he is not happy with her. 

Related Reading: 15 Things You Need To Know About Dating A Married Man

10. There will be no growth in such a relationship

Growth is necessary for a healthy and lasting relationship. But having an affair with a married man will not help you grow in the relationship. For instance:

• You can’t expect a healthy progression from ‘dating’ to ‘living in’
• You can’t expect him to grow from being a sexual partner to someone you can go grocery shopping with
• You can’t expect him to listen to your workplace woes for hours
• You can’t travel with him without the fear of being found out

11. There will be eternal negativity

If you’re in love with a married man, remember, a relationship built on mistrust and infidelity can never flourish. In such relationships, there will always be fear and anxiety, which will eventually ruin your bond. This is why being in a relationship with a married man is a bad idea. Your relationship will never bring you mental peace like a real love affair or relationship should. This is also one of the spiritual consequences of sleeping with a married man.

Related Reading: How Having An Affair Helped My Marriage And Made It More Bearable

12. You will never be able to introduce him as your partner

The worst part of being in love with a married man is that you’ll never be able to introduce him as your partner, the love of your life. Here are a few such instances of what could transpire:

• You won’t be able to tell your friends about him
• You won’t be able to share those lovey-dovey vacation photos with him on social media
• You will not be able to attend social functions with him
• You won’t be able to bring him home to meet your parents

13. You’ll have to adjust according to his availability

One of the disadvantages of being in love with a married man is that you will always be required to adjust according to his schedule, availability, and convenience. Expect the following:

• You can never just call him up and ask him to meet you whenever you miss him
• You will have to wait for him to come to you when he is free
• You will have to settle for clandestine meetings in hotels or at obscure places chosen by him

Related Reading: Are You Inching Toward An Emotional Affair?

14. You will never be his ‘plus one’

Here is another drawback of being in a relationship with a married man: you can never be with him on his special occasions—it will always be his wife. In case you bump into someone he knows, you will always be introduced as a friend or a cousin, never a partner. This might just start to take a toll on your relationship as well as your mental health. 

15. You’ll live in the constant fear of getting caught

If you are looking for reasons not to date a married man, this one pretty much tops the list. Extramarital affairs are mostly clandestine in nature, which means there is always the fear of getting caught. 

Your relationship will always be a hush-hush affair. You will have to live with the fear of people finding out about your affair and the humiliation that follows. This fear will never let you live your life the way you want. 

Related Reading: 17 Psychological Facts About Cheating – Busting The Myths

16. There’s no guarantee he will marry you

A major disadvantage of being in love with a married man is that he may not marry you at all. Here are some truth bombs you need to accept:

• Even if he decides to leave his wife and family, it does not guarantee that he will marry you
• Even if he does end up marrying you, there is no guarantee that he will stay loyal to you

17. You’ll be fooled with fake promises

Why should you decide never to date a married man, you ask? It is likely that you’ll end up being fooled by him. Here’s why:

• He may make you feel special and loved by saying that both of you are perfect together, but the reality is that he is still with his wife
• He may say he respects you, but the fact of the matter is that you are sharing him with another woman
• He may make a lot of promises to get close to you or keep you as an option, but you’ll find yourself alone when you ask him to keep those promises

Related Reading: Fake Relationships – 15 Ways To Identify You Are In One

18. You can be manipulated

Another key reason why you should not date a married man is that such men often build their relationships outside of marriage by gaining sympathy and manipulating single women. However, always remember that his version is just one side of the story. It’s possible that:

• He is not a good husband 
• He’s blaming his wife to gain your sympathy
• He’s always been toxic and is a serial cheater

19. You can’t invest in such relationships

If you’re still asking yourself, “Is it fine if I’m having an affair with a married man?”, the answer is a no. The end of such a relationship is always sad and heartbreaking. This is why you should never:

• Waste your precious time and energy on pursuing something so uncertain
• Invest emotionally in the relationship, as there is always the scope of things ending on a bad note and you ending up being hurt
• Invest financially and ending up with a big hole in your savings because you chose to spend money, buying him gifts or surprising him with lavish vacations

Related Reading: 7 Ways To Date A Married Man Without Getting Hurt

20. You will lose out on options

If you get into an affair with a married man while you are still single, you will have to let go of better and more suitable options for yourself. Spending the prime of your youth chasing someone married means setting yourself up for loneliness in the long run. Be wise and keep your options open. 

21. You will lose out on valuable experiences of single life

Being single has its perks, no matter how fulfilling a relationship can be. And if you wish to be with a married man just for the sake of being in a relationship, just DON’T. Remember, being with a married man will rob you of:

• Quality time that you could’ve spent on yourself, traveling solo, meeting new friends, and working on self-development
• Time that you could’ve spent with friends and family
• Time that you could’ve spent on something constructive, such as writing that book you’ve always wanted to write or working with a charitable trust

Why would you wish to sacrifice so much time and energy for something so uncertain?

Related Reading: I’m 35 and Single | I Don’t Think It’s Late To Find A Life Partner

22. He can always turn around and blame you 

This is one of the most common reasons not to date a married man. Even if the marriage has already gone bad, the moment his wife discovers the affair, he might turn around and blame you. This is bound to damage your reputation. In such cases:

• He can lie and say you were chasing him against his will
• He can blame you for using him for money or some material possession
• He can just label you as a ‘crazy ex’ who never got over him 

23. Legally, he does not belong to you

Even if you think he belongs to you, accept the hard truth. In purely legal terms, he is no one to you. He is married to someone else, and that is the truth. Your affair will never get legal acceptance unless he decides to end the marriage with his wife and start a new life with you. In such cases:

• You can’t sue him for not marrying you or claim him as your partner
• You won’t have any legal right to his property, unless he makes a will naming you in it

Related Reading: 13 Sure-Shot Signs He Pretends To Love You

24. You will be labeled forever

One of the disadvantages of dating a married man is that you’ll be labeled forever. This is what’s likely to happen:

• Men who find out about the affair will take you for an easy target they can sleep with
• Women will say nasty things about you and keep their men away from you
• Your affair partner may himself spread rumors about you being too available

25. You may suffer from long-term mental health issues

This is one of the major reasons why you should never date a married man. Since there will never be any sense of security in the relationship, you will never be completely happy with him. And this constant state of stress, anxiety, and emptiness will affect your mental health in the long run. It may also make you a chronic patient of depression.

How To Get Over A Married Man

A 2018 New York Times article stated that 25% of married men who had been part of a survey in the US had confessed to having extramarital affairs. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, as so many more have probably not even owned up to their affairs. 

Related Reading: 25 Questions To Ask Before Marriage To Be Set For The Future

But that’s exactly why you shouldn’t be attached to a married man. They will probably never offer enough dignity and respect to you and acknowledge the affair. And you will end up being their ‘beck and call’ woman—someone who will never be their legitimate ‘plus one’ and will always be a hidden secret. To save you from this emotional trauma, let’s see how to get over a married man:

1. Get a reality check

It’s important to introspect and gather some self-respect. Get a reality check and ask yourself some questions, such as:

• Why are you in the affair? 
• What are you gaining out of the affair and what will you lose if you leave him? 
• Is it really worth it, even if being with him gives you sexual satisfaction, a momentary dopamine high, or temporary togetherness?
• Is the affair not spoiling your chances of being with someone who will genuinely court you and wish to date you?

2. Ghost him

Yes, we get it. It will be difficult to go on complete ‘no contact’ all of a sudden, especially if you accidentally fell in love with a married man, with no ill intention of ruining his marriage.

Related Reading: Here’s Why I Ghosted Him In Online Dating

But for the sake of your dignity and mental health, cut him out of your life. If you decide to end things with him for good and still keep in touch, it will only elongate your healing journey and feed his ego. Here’s what you can do to end it for good:

• Block all his social media profiles
• Block his number on your phone and on all messaging apps
• If he calls you from another number, block that too
• Don’t give in to the urge to send him a drunk text or call him when you’re trying hard to move on
• Don’t get in touch with his friends

3. Work on self-development

It’s important for you to work on yourself before you try and detach yourself from your married beau. You see, a lot of women get attached to married men to fill a void within themselves.

Casie, a 38-year-old entrepreneur, wrote to us, saying, “I was divorced at 35 and, while trying to get over loneliness, got attached to my married coworker Shawn, who was well in his 40s. It eventually ended pretty badly, with his wife finding out about us through a common friend. What I should’ve done is work on my self-worth and spend more time moving on from the divorce than getting into an affair with Shawn.” 

We have jotted down a few self-development tips, so that you don’t face what Casie had to:

• Join a hobby class and explore new avenues: Take up a new hobby, be it learning the guitar or painting. Redirect your energy and have fun while at it
• Join like-minded communities: Explore groups such as travel communities and book clubs
• Focus on work, if that peps you up: Shift your focus to your dreams and career goals. Work for that promotion you’ve always wanted and put in extra hours
• Take care of your health: Pamper yourself when it comes to your health. Join a yoga class or a gym. Get back in shape and eat healthy

4. Start dating again

It’s not a bad idea to join dating apps again or explore new people through offline events such as singles mixers. In case you think you may end up being in a rebound relationship, take your time and heal before you start dating actively again. But it’s always a good idea to get to know new people, even if you don’t immediately start dating them. 

Related Reading: When You Meet The Right Person You Know It – 11 Things That Happen

5. Get some third-party perspective

If you feel that getting over a relationship with a married man is just too much for you, don’t hesitate to share your concerns with close friends or family members. 

If you’re sinking into depression because of an illicit affair, get in touch with a therapist who will be able to offer a professional take on the entire situation. You can talk to Bonobology’s panel of licensed counselors too.

Infographic On Spiritual Consequences Of Sleeping With A Married Man

We know why you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a married man. But ever
wondered how such affairs can affect you spiritually? Let’s look at a few spiritual
consequences of sleeping with a married man:

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Is it wrong to love a married man?

You’re not wrong to love someone genuinely. But if it’s a married man you’re dealing with, it’s perhaps best for your spiritual and mental health to let him go. This is because you’ll not only end up traumatizing yourself with all the uncertainty but will also end up hurting his wife and family.

2. Can a married man love you genuinely?

It’s possible for a married man to love you genuinely. It’s also possible that he finds an escape from his boring married life when he’s with you. But you also need to see what he’s doing to show you that he loves you and whether he’s willing to get a divorce to be with you. If he’s playing both you and his wife and wants to eat the cake and have it too, it’s possible that he doesn’t love either his wife or you.

Final Thoughts

If you’re often asking yourself, “I am having an affair with a married man, but is it going to work?”, remember, imagining a future with a married man is never a good idea. Yes, affairs are a reality and have been since the beginning of time. However, just because something is common does not make it right. An affair with a married man will be riddled with difficulties and heartbreak for not just you, but everyone who’ll be affected by the relationship (including his wife and kids). 

Being in a relationship with a married man can only have a positive outcome in the long run if both of you are committed to making it work and if he is serious about getting a divorce and marrying you.

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