As individual personalities, we all subconsciously seek and want things that suit our ways. No matter how open we are to change, we tend to gravitate toward things that are attuned to our likes and comforts. But in relationships, that can cause troubles as one becomes unused to compromising. That’s when relationship arguments begin to take hold.
Primarily because relationships require us to adjust our perspective and incorporate another person’s likes and comfort too, we sometimes refuse to be accommodating or even start acting selfishly in a relationship. Betrayal, not meeting one another’s expectations or hurtful words are also other reasons which can cause toxic relationship arguments.
It is normal to fight in a relationship every now and then, in fact, fighting can even be good for your relationship. But if it goes to a point where one is throwing a vase at the other, that’s when your relationship arguments start becoming dangerous. Respectful fighting is fine but if the fight turns ugly or if you start stonewalling your partner then the aftertaste of such fights is truly bitter.
But there are some arguments that can be truly detrimental to your relationship’s lifespan and your own mental well-being. With the help of Shazia Saleem (Masters in Psychology), who specializes in separation and divorce counseling, let’s take a deeper look into some relationship arguments examples and how they come about.
What Causes Arguments In A Relationship?
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Relationship arguments can start for a variety of reasons. For instance, couples who have started a new relationship and are still getting to know each other may find themselves grappling with many new relationship arguments. From deep-rooted conflicts which have gone unaddressed in the past or mere annoyances that are starting to get on one’s nerves, toxic relationship arguments can start anywhere.
Sometimes they even rage on like intense wildfires. One thing leads to another and every repressed issue or grievance begins to present itself like never before. This can lead to a long series of heated discussions and blame games that will exhaust the two of you. Here’s is a roundup of what cause arguments in a relationship:
- Disagreements over issues big and small, ranging from which movie to watch to having a baby in the future
- Lack of understanding of the other person’s wishes and needs
- Differences in opinion and a lack of acceptance of the same can lead to unfair fighting in relationships
- Unclear communication causing deep-seated misunderstandings
- Feelings of neglect leading to a sense of abandonment
- Having high expectations from each other and not be able to live up to them
- Misreading each other’s actions and feelings
- Repressed feelings of jealousy leading to intolerance
- Annoyance arising from a person’s habits and behaviors
- Lack of appreciation of each other’s efforts
Sometimes, even a rough day at your own workplace or a fight with a parent over the phone can translate into an argument with your partner. When one is anguished, it is easy to displace one’s anger to unrelated things. This sets off a chain reaction.
One time, Jenna had been having a rough week owing to some disagreements with her college friends. When her partner tried to ask her about it, she could not express herself clearly and started hollering at him for absolutely no reason.
Eventually, he got upset too. Jenna said, “We started bringing up a month’s worth of issues that we had been facing with each other. It is important to address issues that have been bothering you personally or you are facing as a couple to avoid spilling them untidily all over the place.”
Related Reading: Why Do Fights Become More Important Than Relationships?
Is It Normal To Have Arguments In A Relationship?
Fights with your partner can leave you wondering is it normal to have arguments in a relationship? Yes, it is an absolutely normal thing that all couples experience at various points in their relationships. In fact, a relationship without arguments or fights can be a cause for concern. But constant arguing in a relationship can also turn out to be very problematic.
Shazia says, “It’s absolutely normal to have arguments in any relationship. Each individual is unique in their own ways with their value systems, beliefs and perspectives. A difference of opinion is very natural. There will be disagreement in a relationship but it can be tackled carefully.”
Relationship arguments arise when one is unable to fit external opinions or actions into their expectations and requirements. But this inconsistency should not cause great alarm. Since we are bound to have individual characteristics, these basic inconsistencies will continue to exist.
As long as they are not repetitive and are not causing deep-seated anxiety, major intolerances and other issues, these can be easily worked out. Some surveys have suggested that 44% of married couples have claimed that arguing and fighting helps them keep their relationship afloat and healthy. They are also more likely to continue staying together because they are practicing better communication.
Research also suggests that conflict and arguing if practiced rationally can be conducive to sustaining romantic relationships. So it’s clear that a relationship without arguments or fights can simply not exist. However, fighting all the time and constant arguing in a relationship is a little worrisome, but not impossible to correct.
To handle arguments in a relationship one should practice love, a willingness to share what’s bothering you and good listening skills to do away with aimlessly hurling hurtful words toward each other. Don’t fret, because arguments in a relationship are only natural as long as you kiss and make up later.
Related Reading: 8 fights every couple will have at some point in their relationship
11 Relationship Arguments That Spell Doom For Your Bond
Conflicts can have many causes, causes that you might not even be able to see or understand at first. Owing to our different lifestyles and expectations, frequent clashes are organic, and to an extent, understandable. Relationship arguments will exist perpetually. But the way that the two partners choose to respond or deal with them determines what kind of track they might lead the couple on.
There are a few common contentious issues that can slip into your relationships now and then. Then, there are issues that can become detrimental to your togetherness. The latter, naturally, are red flags to steer clear of. To help you do that, here are 11 such relationship arguments that can spell doom for your bond:
1. Money can lead to arguments in a relationship
Money greatly determines one’s activities and steers livelihoods. Whether you are in a relationship where you share your money or not, disagreements regarding the outflow of cash can often arise.
Shazia tells us, “Money or finance is a key aspect of any individual’s life. Too little or excess of it can be bad. If a family cannot make ends meet, there will always be unavoidable arguments about money and budgeting. Even having too much money can lead to problems and toxic relationship arguments that can take a nasty turn.”
One person must not dominate all the money matters and joint decisions should be made regarding major expenses. Individual requirements should also be considered so that both partners can spend equally on their needs and wants. If one person is not good with money, the other should ensure that they are monitoring and keeping a check on their finances and splitting the finances sensibly. Keep it close but keep that balance.
2. “I don’t like your friends!” is a cause for trouble and unfair fighting in relationships
When you are in a relationship, you might not share the same friend circle. We connect and resonate with different kinds of people. It is not necessary to vibe with your partner’s friends and it is in fact good to have your own set of friends that you get along with instead of being in each other’s spaces all the time. But this has a con too. Arguments in a relationship can come up when one partner disapproves of another’s friends.
Spending too much time with them and inviting them to your place might aggravate your partner even further. It can seem a little unfair at first and even leave a partner feeling that the other is being selfish in the relationship. One of the partners might have to compromise in this case. It is better to have an open conversation and resolve it rather than fight all the time.
3. Differences over a desire for children can lead to constant arguing in a relationship
This is a major life-changing decision and one of the biggest relationship argument examples. If not discussed correctly, it can lead to constant arguing in a relationship and a lot of resentment too.
A baby adds a horde of responsibilities to your life and it will only work out when both partners are equally invested. Making a rash decision about the same will only lead to more arguments. Each partner’s readiness to have children needs to be evaluated before acting on this desire. Even if both are not equally ready, it is important to accept that and the other person’s wishes.
Related Reading: Should I Have A Baby? Decide To Go Ahead With These 12 Reasons
4. Parents and family can be a tricky topic to handle
Just like friends, your partner is not obligated to love everything about your family. This can lead to multiple behavioral conflicts and relationship arguments too. Your partner might avoid meeting them which can make things difficult for you as well.
Shazia says, “When two people are involved, the respect for each other’s families is automatically attached to the relationship. But it’s important to understand that just as two individuals may not always get along, two families might not either. With different perspectives, cultural differences and different styles of upbringing, it is possible that one partner may not agree with the other’s family. So it’s always better to avoid blaming or accusing parents or bringing that trigger into your arguments.”
Some people just don’t get along but you can encourage your partner to maintain a decent amount of respect and concern. They will eventually recognize who is truly important to you and adjust their behavior accordingly. They might even appreciate your core family values.
5. Unhealthy remarks can trigger toxic relationship arguments
Some amount of constructive criticism is necessary to give a good push to your partner but one should be conscious of not overstepping their boundaries in the process. Saying too much or being unduly harsh can negatively impact your partner’s self-image and worth. Rude comments on their actions, body or habits can hurt their feelings deeply.
Everyone has different argument styles in relationships and some start a fight by being rude or saying hurtful things to the other. This can lead the other person to harbor a defensive attitude. They might start negatively attacking you back to even the game. Be careful with your words and apologize when necessary to steer away from fighting all the time.
6. Sexual incompatibility can become a sore point between couples
Lack of sexual compatibility can lead to very uncomfortable intimate experiences. By not conveying your needs and discomforts properly, you might stop enjoying sex and perhaps even refrain from it completely. This can leave your partner confused and angry. They might start arguing with you, stonewalling or giving you the silent treatment.
Shazia suggests, “Sexual incompatibility is a big problem in society. If both don’t feel comfortable communicating their likes and dislikes in bed, they always try to please one another and get frustrated when they don’t succeed. It’s always good to discuss one’s preferences. Talking about these things should be a mutual, common and healthy practice.” Avoid these relationship arguments by sharing what you like and dislike and arrive at a middle ground that works for both of you.
7. Moral inconsistencies can lead to arguing early in a relationship
Just like our personalities, our moralities can also differ to various extents. Most people value their morals highly. When these values don’t align, it can lead to angry outbursts and arguing early in a relationship. This is especially one of the major new relationship arguments that have newly started dating.
In the first few days, they may not have understood the core values of the person. But now that they can look closely, it is possible that they don’t like what they find. Genevieve, a neurosurgeon, had been dating Ricardo for a while now. She was a vegan, but at first, didn’t tell Ricardo how strongly she felt about it.
Over time when the two started dating exclusively, she was unable to accept his food choices and kept condemning his preferences. This led to frequent arguments at home between them and even in restaurants. Eventually, she convinced herself that she just had to get used to it. Keeping an open mind and accepting your partner as they are is key to not being selfish in a relationship.
8. Distinct future plans can drive a wedge between couples
Some people take their futures and careers very seriously and have it all mapped out. Others just like to tread lightly and see where the tide takes them. Picturing different futures and having different expectations from your lives can be a problem that leads to constant arguing in a relationship.
You might want to live in other cities or try new things that your partner might not want to. If your futures do not align the way you have been expecting them to, it can cause unrest and discontentment in your relationship. You may even begin to question where your relationship is headed. When you discuss these questions and life scenarios, try to adhere to the rules of respectful fighting. Stay calm and be open to making a few sacrifices.
9. Not spending enough time together can drive you apart
Being too busy or spending too much time apart can make your partner feel ignored and cause unfair fighting in relationships over the most insignificant issues. But the words and the anger will be tenfold. Your partner might suppress these feelings and reveal them in tiny and unnecessary arguments about trivial things.
This is one major reason for conflicts and arguing early in a relationship. All you can do is recognize when they are feeling this way and show that you are consciously trying to spend more quality time with each other.
10. Irksome habits may become a reason for fighting all the time
Your partner might have some habits that you find extremely annoying. Things like snoring, drinking, being clumsy or being too particular about little things can start getting on your nerves over time. Some of these habits may be harder to ignore than others. But instead of jumping the gun and angrily confronting them, rationally tell them what has been bothering you and why.
As Shazia says, “Suppressed feelings definitely lead to arguments. Our emotions hold sway over us and this kind of control can lead to frequent outbursts. A relationship takes more work than you think. It will not work automatically, especially if you want to stop toxic relationship arguments. Stop ignoring each other and start working on making things easier for one another.”
They probably dislike a lot of your habits too and are patiently seeking a good time to confront you too. So work on your own shortcomings and rationally share your expectations with them too.
11. A lost spark can be a root cause of relationship arguments
Many times, due to busy schedules, lack of intimacy and lack of conversation, you might notice the charm from your relationship slowly slipping away. Such a thing is only natural and can be revived by doing interesting activities together and being more receptive.
Sometimes, the frustration from this distance can lead to many unnecessary relationship arguments. You might even blame each other for some trivial occurrences. But it is actually easy to avoid falling into this trap. Reflect on what you can do about it instead.
How Do You Avoid Arguments In A Relationship?
Given the damaging potential of constant bickering and fighting, it is natural to wonder how do you avoid arguments in a relationship. You can turn arguments into helpful conversations by taking a step back to assess the situation. Is your partner actually the root cause of the problem? In most cases, that is not true. Stop viewing your partner as the complete problem. Incorporate the situational aspects into account as well to diffuse an argument with your spouse.
To handle arguments in a relationship well, be conscious of how you present your arguments and learn the right conflict resolution strategies. Screaming or using an accusing tone can make your partner feel attacked and cornered. Keep your tone and tenor in check to avoid making the conversation unpleasant and hurtful.
When you are having a rough and challenging day, watch out and make sure that you are not displacing the frustration from your day onto your partner’s actions. This misperception can confuse your partner and lead to further relationship arguments. Reflect on your individual problems and analyze which ones you are attributing to your relationship or throwing on to your partner to be able to diffuse an argument with your spouse.
And when your partner expresses their concerns, be open to listening and accepting their rationale. Even when they criticize you and your actions, listen respectfully and explain yourself calmly. Most importantly, be willing to bend slightly in some cases and change yourself too. If you have been struggling to handle arguments in a relationship, you can consider couple’s counseling to figure out where the problem lies. Our online counselors are only a click away.
FAQs
When you are constantly arguing in a relationship and you cannot resolve the fight and sometimes the fights turn verbally and physically abusive, that’s unhealthy arguing in a relationship.
When couples argue a lot it means they are not on the same page, they cannot resolve the issues and there is a serious communication gap. This lack of communication gives a spurt to these arguments.
You can schedule communication exercises and ensure that you are making an effort to communicate fruitfully. Unplug your gadgets and take out time to spend with each other, that will take care of a lot of your communication problems and quickly diffuse an argument with your spouse.
When one person gets an upper hand in the argument and pins down their partner with their views it’s unfair fighting. If you are dating a lawyer you might get into unfair fighting because they will always know how to argue better than you. Unfair fighting in relationships is also when they bring up baseless issues, silly remarks only to hurt you, manipulate you and win the argument.
Arguing will probably increase the more time you spend together and will definitely be more if you live together too. Arguing once a week that is not too serious can be considered normal. Having one major fight every three to six months is also normal. But any more than that, it is possible that you need to address some issues soon.
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