Women have, over the years, earned a bad rep for being excessively insecure—a trait that makes many perceive them as being difficult to get on with. While insecurity isn’t exclusive to women, societal pressures to meet unrealistic standards of beauty, success, and behavior can amplify feelings of inadequacy stemming from deep-seated fears and uncertainties about their worth. Insecure women often find themselves riddled with self-doubt and jealousy, may be prone to overanalyzing interactions, and navigate life influenced by past experiences, societal expectations, or unmet emotional needs.
They can be so consumed by the worry of not being good enough and the fear of being abandoned that they never truly learn to let go and relax. This can trigger a whole host of problematic behavior problems that impede their ability to form and sustain healthy relationships. Apart from emotional and social repercussions, deep-seated insecurities can also trigger psychosomatic issues such as migraines and diabetes.
If you’re with a woman who struggles with these fears and a sense of inadequacy, it’s important to understand what makes a woman insecure in a relationship, or life, in general, and how you can deal with these feelings effectively. We’re here to help you gain that clarity in consultation with counseling psychologist Kavita Panyam (Masters in Psychology and international affiliate with the American Psychological Association), who has been helping couples work through their relationship issues for over two decades.
What Causes Insecurity In A Woman?
Table of Contents
What does it mean to be insecure in a relationship? It means being gripped by persistent doubt, fear, or inadequacy, to an extent that it starts affecting the way a person perceives themselves, their partner, and their relationship. This can manifest itself as,
- Jealousy
- Overdependence
- A constant need for reassurance
- Inability to trust a partner’s intentions
Insecurity often stems from a lack of trust, unresolved personal issues, fear of abandonment, past experiences such as betrayal or rejection, or internal struggles like low self-esteem. An insecure woman may have a hard time feeling at ease in a relationship because she may be constantly overanalyzing her partner’s actions, misinterpreting harmless behaviors, or feeling unworthy of love and affection.
Kavita says, “Not only can too much insecurity in a woman lead to social maladaptation, but also lead to trust issues, as a result of which she might constantly live in the fear that people are out to get her or exploit her. This can inhibit a person from living life to its full potential.”
If you think the woman in your life displays the signs of an insecure girlfriend/partner/spouse and you want to figure out how to help her break this pattern and steer the relationship toward healthy, wholesome territory, you need to understand what makes a woman insecure in a relationship. To that end, here are some underlying reasons that can trigger female insecurities:
1. Unrealistic social standards
Why are women so insecure, you ask? Well, women’s insecurities often long predate their relationships. In society, a lot more is expected from women than men, so it is no surprise that there are more insecure women than insecure men out there.
Women are under constant pressure to live up to certain fitness and beauty standards, cater to the needs of their loved ones, and also excel in their careers. These pressures can contribute to a negative self-image, self-doubt, and a tremendous amount of anxiety that can be difficult to cope with.
“The foremost cause of insecurity in a woman is her looks — her physique, complexion, voice, and the way she carries herself and how these things are received by the external world. And if they are scrutinized negatively by her family, it’s bound to pile on a lot of emotional baggage,” says Kavita. As a result, an insecure woman in a relationship can be extremely concerned with her physical appearance and need constant validation and compliments from her significant other.
2. Past betrayals and heartbreak
If your partner’s behavior often leaves you wondering, “Why is she insecure when I have given her no reason to doubt my commitment and love toward her?”, past betrayals and heartbreaks could be to blame. If she has been hurt tremendously in the past, has been betrayed and cheated on, or has been in a string of abusive relationships, it can make it hard for a woman to feel secure and at ease in a romantic connection.
A woman will become insecure in a relationship when she constantly worries about a man leaving her again or betraying her trust. “If she has internalized the guilt of a former partner’s infidelity, it can make her question her self-worth,” says Kavita. She may not feel good enough for anyone and may agonize over why someone would choose to be with her. This thought pattern feeds the belief that no partner will stay with her for the long haul, which can, in turn, make her latent insecurities stronger.
3. A misstep or failure
The female insecurity psychology can be rooted in past mistakes or missteps that make her shudder or keep her awake at night. Whether it is a mistake that impacted her career adversely, past life choices whose repercussions she’s had to deal with, or choosing a partner who didn’t turn out to be who she thought them to be can wreck a person’s self-confidence and leave them feeling insecure about the future and scared of the unknown.
Excessive judgment about these life experiences can further worsen feelings of insecurity in a woman. Women who undergo this may worry constantly about making big life decisions and be afraid of failure at every step of the way. This makes them not only question their decisions but also incites a fear in them that they can never do anything right.
4. Toxic parenting or childhood experiences
Toxic parenting is also what causes insecurity in a woman. Being raised by toxic parents who set unrealistically high standards, offered love based on achievement, were emotionally distant, or abusive in some form can leave a person riddled with psychological and emotional issues, insecurity being one of them.
An insecure woman has perhaps gone through a lot of trauma as a child. Those childhood wounds continue to influence her personality as an adult. This becomes a cycle and only further deepens the trenches of insecurity and dissatisfaction with oneself.
So, if the question, “Why is she insecure?”, has been on your mind, we hope you’ve found a relatable reason in the causes listed above. Now, let’s talk about the signs of an insecure girlfriend/wife as well as whether you may be, knowingly or unknowingly, contributing to her insecurities, and the best way to break this cycle of doubts and fear. After all, it’s only with well-rounded information that you can handle dating an insecure woman.
12 Signs Of An Insecure Woman
Insecure meaning in relationships can be different for different people. For some, lack of personal space can mean they’re in a relationship with an insecure person, for others, it can be controlling behavior or constant negative self-talk. If you look closely, you’ll realize that these are all signs of insecurity — just that they may manifest in varying intensities, depending on the unique circumstances, personalities, and triggers of the people involved.
To be able to identify what it is that you’re dealing with, you need an exhaustive list of female insecurities and how they manifest in relationships. Are you always walking on eggshells around your partner? Is she always overly critical of everything you do, leaving you grappling with low self-confidence and feelings of inadequacy? Do you feel uncomfortable being your real self with your partner? Yes, yes, and yes?
Well, it isn’t hard to see that you’re not in a healthy relationship. But how do you know that this toxicity is stemming from your partner’s insecurity? Paying attention to the following signs of an insecure woman and how they manifest in intimate relationships can help you gain some clarity:
1. Jealousy is a defining trait of female insecurities
An insecure woman feels jealous really easily. Some amount of jealousy is understandable and perhaps even inevitable in romantic relationships. However, when this emotion becomes unhinged, it can create an extremely toxic environment. An insecure woman who gets jealous easily may display extremely controlling behavior such as,
- Dictating who you can and cannot socialize with
- Checking your phone consistently
- Not giving you any personal space
- Becoming excessively clingy
Jealousy issues in a relationship triggered by your woman’s insecurities can threaten your future as a couple.
Related Reading: 13 Signs Of A Controlling Woman
2. Being a control freak
Since an insecure woman struggles with negative thoughts about her inadequacies and fears that her life will fall apart with a single misstep, she needs to be in control of every perceivable aspect of her life. That, obviously, includes her romantic relationship. As a result,
- She might constantly try to dictate terms to her partner
- Force her decisions on them
- Micromanage every detail of her partner’s life
- Constantly nag them
She will weave herself into every aspect of her partner’s life and prove to be pretty emasculating. This is one of the many ways an insecure partner drains a relationship. “The moment she feels like she is losing control, her reactions can be hugely disproportionate to the situation. For example, if an insecure woman’s partner comes home late one night, she might straight away assume that he is cheating on her and become very agitated,” says Kavita.
3. An insecure woman can get easily offended or hurt
What does it mean to be insecure in a relationship? That she hasn’t learned the art of self-assurance to feel confident about who she is. That’s why one of the most obvious signs of insecurity is that she is easily hurt by other’s words or actions. Women who are secure and self-aware aren’t unnerved by a little criticism. However, an insecure woman lacks that confidence. A little harmless banter or a playful joke may incite negative feelings in her or make her spiral into feelings of self-doubt or even self-hate.
4. She needs constant validation
A woman feeling insecure in a relationship will constantly need validation from her partner. To be able to believe that her partner loves her, she will demand that he express and show it to her often. One of the telltale signs of an insecure girlfriend/wife is that she needs your praise and appreciation to see herself in a positive light. So,
- She will fish for compliments if she has put in the effort to dress up for an occasion
- Pout and sulk if you fail to notice a new haircut or style on her
- May feel immensely hurt and lash out if you in any way insinuate that there are aspects of her personality she can work on
If you’re looking for signs of an insecure woman on social media, notice how much any negative comments affect her. If her day is completely ruined by an offhand comment, it might be because she’s very insecure.
5. She is critical of others
Women’s insecurities often make them highly critical and judgmental of others. To feel better about herself, such a woman may negatively attack others. She may,
- Point out their flaws
- Act jealous
- Tear them down
- Make snide remarks
As unfair as it is to do that, note that insecure women don’t do this because they’re mean or rude. This is just a reflection of her low self-esteem. She is trying to feel better about herself by tearing others down. However, in reality, this tendency doesn’t do anything to break the cycle of her internal negative self-talk and thought patterns. If anything, it will make her bitter toward others. Even so, a bitter person cannot make for a pleasant partner. This is one of the many ways an insecure partner drains relationships.
6. Unable to accept her partner’s successes
One of the unpleasant signs of insecurity in a woman is that she can never be genuinely happy or proud of her partner’s achievements and accomplishments. A partner who loves you should always be happy for you and take pride in your achievements. However, if your partner is insecure, she may view your accomplishments from the lens of her own inadequacies and either try to minimize them or respond so negatively that you’re left hurt and heartbroken by her reaction.
Related Reading: Don’t Compare Yourself With Your Partner For A Good Relationship
7. She shows extreme sensitivity to body image triggers
Women’s insecurities are closely tied to body image issues. If your girlfriend/wife struggles with insecurities, you have to be extremely cautious about how you talk about her body because even the most innocuous statements can set her off.
Since she likely has a negative self-image, she may struggle to make peace with her appearance and weight, and never feel confident in the way she carries herself. A tiny comment, remark, or indirect expression on her body might plummet her sense of self-worth and make her feel even more conscious about her body. She will constantly worry about how she looks and, more importantly, how people view her. She will need repetitive reminders to feel good enough.
8. Insecure women try to please everyone around them
One of the most important things to evaluate in this list of female insecurities is how these women respond to people around them. Even though they might dislike a person, they will go the extra mile to gain their approval. That’s because an insecure person often struggles with low self-esteem and needs validation from others to feel good about themselves.
Insecure meaning becomes amply clear when you begin to notice the extent to which she goes to please others, including you, even to the detriment of her own needs and desires, and therefore, her peace of mind. “This need for validation stems from their childhood. Even constantly asking her mother what she should wear can be a sign of insecurity later on in her life. There is no end to it. It gets worse as she grows up,” says Kavita.
Related Reading: 23 Signs Of Emotional Invalidation In A Relationship
9. An insecure woman can get extremely defensive
Insecure women always want to have the upper hand in an argument, and will not put an issue to rest until they feel like they have won. They always feel the need to be right and can get extremely defensive to any criticism. Arguing with an insecure partner can be exhausting because she is fighting to win, not to find solutions to problems.
Instead of using arguments and differences of opinion as an opportunity to introspect and facilitate personal growth, they only worry about defending themselves and being considered right. They stop being receptive to the opposing rationale and will fight out their cause without correctly evaluating its merit.
10. She seeks attention and thrives on it
One of the troubling effects of insecurity can be attention-seeking behavior. She would want the spotlight to always be on her and can go to great lengths to make it happen. From wearing loud outfits and makeup even if she’s not comfortable in it to behaving promiscuously, being abnormally loud, or bragging and exaggerating her accomplishments, she won’t hesitate to pull all stops to grab eyeballs.
“She might excessively mollycoddle and pamper others around her so that they come to depend heavily on her. However, this behavior is not healthy because it is not stemming from a place of love but a need for control. She needs to feel needed to have a sense of self-worth, and if not corrected in time, this tendency can give way to codependent patterns in the relationship,’’ Kavita points out.
11. Comparing herself to her partner’s exes
A might desperately want to outperform her partner’s ex. She’d be intent on proving that she is better than her partner’s previous partners. She may ask you a lot of questions about your ex but the intent is not to get to know you better and foster emotional intimacy. Instead, these conversations will almost always evoke negative feelings in her.
Even though it’s uncomfortable for her, she will not let this topic slide, but keep revisiting it, almost as if picking a scab of a wound. Then, she may use the information she has assimilated to outperform your ex/exes and prove to you that she’s the best partner you could have asked for. The goal, once again, is seeking praise, approval, and validation.
12. Playing the victim card
An insecure woman may find it very difficult to accept her mistakes or lapses in judgment. That’s why in addition to getting defensive, they also learn to play the victim card to perfection to wriggle out of situations where they feel backed into a corner. During arguments, she may resort to guilt-tripping, and make herself seem weaker, more feeble, and helpless to escape accountability for her actions. This is one of the prime dangers of dating an insecure woman because it gets in the way of a couple’s ability to resolve conflicts and concerns at hand.
7 Things Men Do To Make Women Feel Insecure
If your girlfriend or wife struggles with insecurity, you may, knowingly or unknowingly, exacerbate those feelings with your behaviors, words, and actions. While there’s no denying that everyone is responsible for managing their emotions, being mindful of the things your partner is extra sensitive to and adjusting your behavior to not set them off can help navigate the maze of insecurities in a relationship.
Now, we’re not saying that you need to walk on eggshells around your partner or not be your authentic self in the relationship. However, making the effort to not do or say things that make her doubt herself and her worth in your life can definitely help. For that, you need to make a conscious effort to steer clear of these 7 things men do to make women feel insecure:
1. Lying and keeping secrets
If your partner is already insecure, lies and secrets can make it harder for her to trust you. For instance, you may think that telling her that you’re stuck at work when you’re chilling at your friend’s place may seem like an inconsequential white lie that will avoid an argument about spending more time together, but when these lies add up, they can cause trust issues in the future.
“Even small lies can erode trust over time by creating a sense of uncertainty in the relationship. On the other hand, honesty fosters emotional intimacy, which is the foundation of security in a partnership,” says Kavita.
Related Reading: 10 Things To Do To Gain Trust Back In A Relationship After Lying
2. Ignoring her
Being ignored by her partner is what makes a woman insecure in a relationship. While it may not seem like a big deal to not reach out or respond to her texts when you’re busy, to her, it may seem like you no longer prioritize her. “When one partner consistently ignores communication, it can make the other feel devalued or unimportant. Timely and thoughtful responses are a form of emotional validation,” says Kavita.
A Reddit user shares how insecure she gets when she feels a difference in the frequency of her boyfriend reaching out to her. She says, “Yes. I get attached easily, and since I’m a habitual person, it can mess up my head when my boyfriend doesn’t call me as often as he normally does. What normally helps me is to keep myself busy with other stuff so I don’t overthink.”
Related Reading: 11 Examples Of Self-Sabotaging Behaviors That Ruin Relationships
3. Not prioritizing her in a social setting
If you want a woman to feel secure when she is with you, don’t make her feel like she doesn’t matter when you’re with her in a social setting. “Partners who dismiss or overlook their significant other in social settings leave them feeling invisible or unimportant,” says Kavita.
Let’s say, you invite her to your friend’s party, and she’s excited to have a good time with you and your friends. However, as you arrive at the event, you get so caught up with your friends that it takes a really long time for you to realize that your girl has just been sitting in the corner.
Sure, it may not happen if she has other friends at the party or if she has the bubbliest personality. But if she doesn’t know anybody there or isn’t too much of an extrovert, you’ve pretty much abandoned her. This is not going to sit well for your relationship, especially if she has abandonment issues.
We’re not asking you to carry your girl around on your arm for the entire evening but make some effort to check in on her. If you are a new couple, it is better that you learn this early on. Keep glancing over at her or give her a quick kiss sometimes, even if you are mostly separated at a party. She will appreciate it, and it might allay her fears of losing you.
Related Reading: I Don’t Think I Love My Husband Anymore
4. Not valuing her opinion
“When someone’s voice isn’t valued, it can lead to feelings of being sidelined or diminished in the relationship,” says Kavita. As you can see, insecurity in a relationship can crop up if a woman feels as if her partner does not value her opinions or factor in her preferences and perspectives in making decisions that impact them as a couple.
Once you make her feel like she has no say in the decision-making, you’re pretty much making it apparent that your relationship lacks mutual respect and trust. For a woman who already grapples with self-doubt about her worthiness, this can be a huge trigger.
5. You don’t talk about your past
Being guarded about their past is also among the things men tend to do that make their partners insecure. For you, your past relationships may not matter anymore, but it is always good to be open about it with your partner. Hiding things about your past or lying by omission will only make her feel insecure if she finds out about them someday.
“Opening up about your past helps your partner understand your experiences and how they’ve impacted you or shaped your worldview. This paves the way for a deeper connection whereas erecting emotional walls in an intimate relationship signals a lack of trust, which only exacerbates insecurities,” says Kavita.
Related Reading: 12 Signs Your Past Relationships Are Affecting Your Present Relationship
6. Comparing her to others
When a man compares his partner to other women—either explicitly or subtly—it can significantly impact her self-esteem. Saying things like, “She’s really ambitious, I wish you were like that,” or frequent mentions of an ex’s qualities, or praising another woman’s fitness routine when you know your partner struggles with body image issues may leave her feeling inadequate or unworthy.
Even non-verbal comparisons such as excessive admiration of other women on social media can trigger insecurity. Kavita says, “It’s best to steer clear of the comparison trap as it creates a sense of competition in relationships. Love should foster support and security, not rivalry.”
7. Being emotionally unavailable
Emotional unavailability can make a woman feel isolated, alone, and unsure of her partner’s commitment toward her. This can be a huge trigger for insecurity. When a man avoids expressing his feelings, dismisses hers, or shuts down during conflicts, it creates doubt and insecurity because women view emotional intimacy as a measure of a relationship’s strength.
A woman might feel deeply hurt if she opens up to her partner about her feelings or struggles and he responds with indifference or invalidates the way she feels. Over time, this lack of empathy may lead her to question whether he truly cares.
Related Reading: 12 Warning Signs Of Gaslighting And 5 Ways To Deal With It
How To Deal With An Insecure Partner
If these patterns of insecurity seem relatable, you need to figure out what to do about it. There is no denying that a relationship with an insecure woman can get extremely exhausting and emotionally draining. If your relationship is taking a toll on your mental health and you want out, that’s a perfectly legitimate choice and you’re free to make it without guilt. However, if you love her and want to make things work, you have your work cut out for you in figuring out how to deal with an insecure girlfriend/spouse. Here are some tips that can help:
1. Create a safe space
Talk to her about her insecurities and make her feel safe in opening up to you. Often our negative thoughts and worries seem more daunting in our minds but vocalizing them can make them easier to tackle. So get her to open up about what she feels insecure about and why.
2. Identify the root cause
Insecurity doesn’t just take hold out of thin air. There are always underlying issues triggering it. We’ve already talked about what causes insecurity in a woman — low self-esteem, past experiences, emotional trauma, childhood experiences, to name a few. Make an effort to help her identify where her feelings of insecurity are stemming from. Once again, healthy and honest communication is the key.
3. Offer support
Do not shame her for her negative thoughts and insecurities. Instead, offer support. Let her know that you’re there to hold her hand through it if she’s willing to work through her issues and focus on self-improvement.
Related Reading: The 7 Fundamentals Of Support In A Relationship
4. Set boundaries
In trying to figure out how to deal with an insecure girlfriend or wife, do not ignore your own emotional and mental well-being. Set healthy relationship boundaries and enforce them consistently so that she understands what’s acceptable and what’s not.
5. Encourage her to seek help
While you can support your insecure girlfriend/wife in battling the trauma of her past experiences and healing from it, you are neither equipped nor obligated to “fix” her. Only she can do it. And often resolving something so deep-seated requires professional help. Encourage her to get the help she needs. For that, skilled and experienced mental health professionals on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What do women feel most insecure about?
What a woman feels most insecure about depends on what she values most in the relationship. However, most women will start feeling insecure when their partners disregard their opinions, don’t respect them, or blatantly ignore them in pursuit of some “personal time.” A lack of physical touch between you two might also make her feel unwanted.
2. Why is my boyfriend trying to make me insecure?
In all likelihood, he’s probably doing it without even realizing it. In that case, the best thing to do is to let him know as soon as possible about the damage he’s causing. However, if he’s doing it with full knowledge of the impact, there’s probably a lack of mutual respect and trust in your relationship.
3. What are the signs of an insecure woman?
The signs of an insecure woman include being overly jealous, always needing validation and compliments, and being sensitive to body issues. They may feel insecure around their loved ones in general, and not just you.
Key Pointers
- Insecurity in a relationship can trigger a host of issues that can render even the strongest of bonds unhealthy, and even toxic
- Feelings of insecurity are always triggered by underlying issues such as low self-esteem and self-confidence, past experiences, childhood experiences, and so on
- Women feel insecure in relationships due to past toxic relationships, a lack of self-love, or feeling disrespected in a relationship
- If she’s insecure, she will probably not take too well to being teased, she won’t be able to manage her jealousy, and she might even avoid social situations
- From being clingy and jealous to displaying controlling behavior, needing constant validation, and being defensive, an insecure partner can be too much to handle
- You can help her work through these issues by being supportive, comforting, and encouraging her to seek help. But if the relationship gets too much to handle and you want out, know that, that too, is a perfectly legitimate choice
Final Thoughts
Now that you understand what makes a woman insecure in a relationship and how to deal with these insecurities the right way, we hope you will be better equipped to navigate the challenges in your relationship. Where you want to go from here is a choice only you can make. Whether it is moving on from the relationship or fighting to build a healthier bond with the woman you love, remember to prioritize self-care and self-preservation.
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