Have you ever found yourself in a situation where every friend your partner has seems like a threat, every minute you spend apart needs to be accounted for by them, and every joke your partner makes is considered an attack? Yes? These are all telling markers of insecurity in a relationship. If allowed to fester they can erode trust, love, and a sense of safety that cement the bond between two romantic partners. 

Not to mention, feeling insecure in a relationship can take a significant toll on one’s emotional well-being and mental health. All in all, it’s not good for you and it’s not good for your relationship. Now, the question is, what can you do about it? Well, awareness is the first step toward tackling any problem. 

To that end, we bring you a detailed rundown of insecurity in relationships. With insights from mental health and relationship experts consultant psychologist Jaseena Backer (MS Psychology), psychologist Juhi Pandey (M.A psychology), and counseling psychologist and life-skills trainer Deepak Kashyap (Masters in Psychology of Education), we will take a closer look at what causes insecurity in a relationship, it’s signs, and how to work on relationship insecurities. 

What is Insecurity In A Relationship? 

In the interest of awareness, let’s start with the basics, and address the question of what is insecurity in a relationship. Deepak says, “Insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy that stems from a lack of confidence in oneself and leaves one grappling with self-doubt.” When you are constantly questioning your instincts and abilities, it can be hard to trust yourself as well as others. 

It can be a painful emotion to experience and can make relationships difficult. Insecure meaning in relationships translates into being someone who constantly questions why their partner is with them. Since you don’t consider yourself good enough, you cannot fathom why someone would choose to be with you. As a result, you may,

• Constantly doubt your partner’s intentions 
• Struggle with trust issues 
• Feel the need to check on them 
• Get defensive often 
• Fail to take responsibility for your actions 

Types of insecurities in a relationship

It’s hard to paint relationship insecurities with a single brush or compartmentalize them into one category. However, if you look at insecure meaning in relationships closely, one common denominating factor will emerge — attachment styles.

These are characterized by a tendency to operate from a place of fear in relationships. However, if you look closely, even insecure attachments play out in different ways. In some cases, you see a sense of reluctance, in others, extreme dependence. An ambivalent attachment style can be as harmful as an avoidant style. Based on this, insecurities in a relationship can be categorized into three distinct types:

1. Disoriented insecurity

This type of insecurity in a relationship stems from an experience of abuse in childhood. A person who displays disoriented insecurity is likely to have suffered emotional or physical abuse at the hands of their primary caregivers. 

They don’t know what to expect from people they love or those who love them. That’s because those who were supposed to give them their first lessons in love were affectionate in some moments and aggressive in others. Those affected by this type of insecurity struggle to maintain consistency in their relationships. They swing from submissive to aggressive, clingy to distant behavior patterns with unsettling ease.

2. Anxious insecurity

The second among the three types of insecurities in a relationship is characterized by a sense of anxiety. People affected by it struggle to establish intimate relationships, out of a fear of emotional pain and are extremely independent. To the point of being aloof. Any hint of a person becoming too close or emotionally attached triggers panic-riddled anxiety in them.

Typically, the root cause of this type of insecurity is an upbringing with emotional neglect. Such people are raised by emotionally distant or stunted caregivers, who are unable to support them when they most need it. As a result, they grow up believing that they’re on their own. The idea that someone else can support them or cater to their emotional needs is alien to them.

Related Reading: 12 Signs Your Past Relationships Are Affecting Your Present Relationship

3. Ambivalent insecurity

The final among the three types of insecurities in a relationship is marked by intense contradictions. The root cause here too is childhood or early life experiences. People who grapple with this form of insecurity display extreme emotional dependency, a quest for approval, a strong need for affection, and over-sensitivity to criticism or rejection.

When they get into a relationship, they can’t shake off the fear that something will go wrong. As a result, they start focusing on the negatives and completely overlook the positives about their partners and relationships. This, then, becomes a trigger for anxiety, making them seek refuge in escapism.

What Causes Insecurity In A Relationship – 8 Most Common Reasons

When looking for the root causes of insecurity, you often have to look within and introspect a little. That’s because this emotion is the direct result of unpleasant experiences that may have scarred you on some level.

Speaking of what causes insecurity in a relationship, Juhi says, “Feeling insecure is natural up to a point. It becomes a matter of concern when the person starts panicking and tendency starts to threaten the foundation of the relationship. There are a host of factors that can lead to insecurity in a relationship. These factors are seldom external. In most cases, the reason lies within the person.”

If you often find yourself wondering, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?”, a closer examination of the underlying causes may help you find some answers. To that end, let’s take a closer look at the 8 most common causes of insecurity in a relationship:

1. Lack of confidence

According to Juhi, a lack of confidence or low self-esteem is one of the root causes of insecurity. These tendencies can make you feel—to a point of conviction—that others see no value in you because that’s how you view yourself. Owing to this, it becomes hard to believe that someone would value you as a romantic partner.

Feelings of insecurity in a relationship make it hard to believe your partner when they say they love you. You begin to take any expressions of love and affection with a pinch of salt, bracing yourself for the eventuality that your partner will abandon you.

Because of this, the slightest hint of trouble can send you spiraling out of control. Say your partner is upset with you. Rather than treat it for what it is—a fight, a disagreement, which is commonplace in relationships—you become paranoid that they’re done with you and are looking for a way out. 

Related Reading: Dealing With An Insecure Boyfriend? Here Are 15 Coping Tips

2. Traumatic experiences

Juhi explains, “Patterns of insecurity can also be seen in people who had traumatic experiences in the past. If a person has experienced the feeling of being unloved, ignored or cheated, they will project this emotional baggage in the form of insecure behavior.”

If you have been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist who was overly critical of you or tried to put you down at every step of the way, the experience can leave you feeling extremely unsure of yourself. This form of emotional abuse can fill you up with an unshakable sense of fear, which becomes a trigger for relationship insecurities. 

3. Extreme emotional dependence

Another one of the most frequent causes of insecurity is extreme emotional dependence. Let’s say you have suffered the loss of a loved one in the past, either in the event of death or on account of a relationship coming to an end. This loss can leave such a void that spending time alone fills you with a sense of dread and anxiety.

As a result, you become insecure and start needing your partner to be by your side at all times. If they want or ask for space in the relationship, it triggers feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. As a result, you may want time and attention even when your partner is unable to provide them, throw tantrums or create a scene because your text went unanswered, and hurl accusations because they couldn’t pick up a call. These behaviors are classic examples of how an insecure partner drains relationships. 

4. Trust issues 

Trust issues are another common underlying cause of feelings of insecurity in a relationship. For instance, if a person has been cheated on by a long-term partner, such a betrayal of trust can make them riddled with insecurities. Of course, trusting a partner after an incident of infidelity is hard. But in such cases, often, the affected person struggles to build trust even in their subsequent relationships.

Juhi says, “You don’t need to experience infidelity firsthand for it to become one of the root causes of insecurity. For instance, if as a child, you saw your family fall apart on account of one parent cheating on the other, this setback can trigger insecurity in your adult relationships.”

Related Reading: 10 Signs You Are A Clingy Boyfriend

5. Childhood experiences

Juhi says, “Research shows that our adult behavior stems from what we experience as kids. Feelings of insecurity in a relationship can also be traced back to one’s childhood experiences. The person might have suffered trauma at the hand of toxic parents or seen their parents experience some trauma such as divorce, which can become the basis of their insecurities in adult relationships.”

Apart from this, losing a house, a parent, or a loved one, or being exposed to financial instability during one’s formative years can also become a factor for an insecure personality. These issues are then projected on the partner or spouse, leading to conflicts and fights. The insecure partner drains relationships due to childhood trauma.

6. Body image issues 

Not being comfortable in one’s skin is also one of the most common causes of insecurities. If you’re self-conscious about having belly fat, for instance, you may have trouble being intimate with your partner. This lack of intimacy, especially if your SO doesn’t know or cannot understand the reason behind it, can drive you two apart.

Besides, when you don’t view yourself as desirable, you may tend to settle for partners who are less than worthy of you. Naturally, this leads to unsatisfying relationships where you’re continually compromising and lowering the bar of your standards. This, in turn, further fuels insecurity in a relationship. And you’re trapped in a vicious cycle 

Body image issues can stem from a host of reasons. But the most common among them are: 

• Being criticized for your looks or appearances as a child or teenager
• Being teased or bullied at school for being too thin, too fat, too lanky
• Constantly being told by your parents to watch your portions, eat less, exercise more, or not to wear certain clothes because they don’t ‘suit’ your body type

Related Reading: 9 Signs Of Commitment Issues And 5 Ways To Deal With It

7. Fear of failure

Why am I so insecure in my relationships, you ask? A common but often overlooked reason can be a crippling fear of failure. Perhaps, you grew up in a family of overachievers and were always told that you need to do better. As a result, you begin to set unreasonably high standards for yourself and push yourself too hard to attain them.

Failing to meet your goals is not an option for you. In the event that you do, every failure feels like a punch in the gut. It makes you relive the memories of your parents telling you that you’re not good enough. Since failure in life is inevitable, your warped perception of it becomes one of the triggers for insecurity. 

This pattern plays out not only in your professional pursuits but also in your personal life. You may begin to see every failed relationship, every rejection, every heartbreak as a testament to your inadequacies, and this may even cause you to develop a fear of relationships.

8. Abuse can trigger insecurity

“Why am I so insecure in my relationship?” The answer to this question would be incomplete without a mention of abuse. Suffering physical or emotional abuse, either as a child or in your past relationships can be a crushing experience.

It breaks your spirit and changes you at a fundamental level. These changes alter the way you view yourself, often leading to a dented self-esteem and no confidence in yourself. All of these factors augment your vulnerabilities, making you insecure not just in relationships but in every aspect of life.

18 Signs Of Insecurity In A Relationship

So far we’ve talked about what is insecurity in a relationship, its types, and causes. If you found much of what you’ve read so far relatable, you may feel as if your worst fears are coming true. Given how an insecure mind works, you’re probably kicking yourself, thinking you’re the problem in your relationship.

But hey, that’s why we’re here. The goal is to uncover the underlying issues and understand how to work on yourself in a relationship to build a more wholesome connection with your partner. For that, it’s important to recognize the signs of insecurity in a relationship, which include:  

1. Your relationship feels like you’re on 60 Minutes

“Questioning your partner constantly is one of the clear signs of insecurity in a relationship. Where are you going? Why are you going there? Who are you going with? How do you know him? What were you doing at that time? These queries always have a suspicious undertone,” says Jaseena. 

Surprisingly, constantly asking questions, contrary to popular belief, isn’t just a sign of female insecurity in a relationship. Insecurity has no gender, and the suspicious questions you ask your partner can become a breeding ground for conflict.

Related Reading: Husband Has Trust Issues – A Wife’s Open Letter To Her Husband

2. Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable jealousy in relationships is one of the classic symptoms of insecurity in a relationship. Imagine a scenario where it doesn’t matter if your partner talks to a friend, a family member, or a colleague, if they’re giving attention to anyone but you, all hell breaks loose. My friends Rick and Ashley always had trouble with jealousy and insecurity in their relationship.

No matter who Rick talked to, Ashley always wanted to know about each message he received, what he was talking about, and what his history with this person was. As a result of her prying ways, Rick did not feel like sharing the minute details of his life with her. This only ended up causing a larger rift, eventually leading to a split.

3. You seek reassurance

It’s cute to talk about the future and tell each other how much you’re in love, but after a point, the manic repetition gets worrisome. “One of the signs of an insecure person in a relationship is a constant need for reassurance. They’re probably always saying things like “I hope we will always be together” or asking “Do you love me?” When the reassurance is questioned, for example, when the partner realistically talks about any problems they might have, it causes a lot of relationship anxiety for the insecure partner,” says Jaseena. This tendency stems from a fear of abandonment. 

4. You always keep tabs on your partner

You can bet your bottom dollar that an insecure partner will feel the need to check their partner’s phone, keep an eye on their social media, and even call their friends to ask them what they’ve been up to. It’s as though they’ll be cross-checking what their partner told them.

“My partner makes me feel insecure because he talks to all of his ex-girlfriends. I asked him to show me his conversations with them. He obliged but wasn’t thrilled about it. It led to a huge fight about my trust issues, and I can’t say I feel any better after it,” Stephanie, my 25-year-old artist friend, said while talking about her constant fights with her boyfriend. 

5. Quality time goes overboard

“One of the biggest signs of insecurity in a relationship is that the insecure partner will ask for a lot of time together. They’ll term it as ‘quality time’, but they’re just making sure that their partner is with them and nowhere else. But even when two partners are together, insecurity issues will crop up,” says Jaseena.

At the start of a new relationship, it’s understandable that you’d want to spend all your time with your partner. But if your idea of being in a loving bond with someone means being with them 24/7, you may be the insecure one in the relationship.

Related Reading: 10 Signs You Are A Clingy Boyfriend

6. You’re easily offended

In every healthy relationship dynamic, there’s a lot of banter involved. You may make fun of the way your partner says a certain word or the fact that they thought New Mexico was the capital of Mexico (it’s Mexico City, by the way). Problems arise when you can’t take a joke and create a scene unnecessarily.

“An insecure person doesn’t take jokes or criticism very well. They feel attacked and take everything very personally. For example, if you tell them about an annoying habit they have, they might just snap back at you by saying, “Why don’t you like anything about me?” This might make it feel like every conversation turns into an argument,” says Jaseena.

7. You apologize too much

In insecure relationships, there is bound to be extreme jealousy. With the fear of losing a partner comes the fear of conflict. If a person feels insecure in a relationship, they’re terrified of upsetting their partner all the time. When you think along the lines of, “I know my boyfriend loves me but I feel insecure”, you can bet it’s going to be followed by, “I’m so sorry I feel that way. I hope you don’t get upset.”

Are you the kind who thinks your partner is angry because you didn’t add an exclamation mark to the “Hey” you sent them? If you’re always assuming they’re angry and are always apologizing for the smallest of things, it’s a huge sign of insecurity in a relationship.

Related Reading: 13 Ways To End An Argument Without Apologizing And End The Fight

8. You fish for compliments

Compliments and words of affirmation are great, no doubt, but an excess of anything can be lethal for a relationship. However, if you’re an insecure person, it can be hard for you to see that. Since you run low on self-love and self-esteem, the need for validation runs high. As a result, you may find yourself fishing for compliments, asking your partner,  “What do you like about me?” or “Are you sure you love me?”, ever so often. This is among the tell-tale symptoms of insecurity in a relationship. 

9. You stalk your partner’s exes on social media

You know you’re insecure when you end up stalking your partner’s exes desperately on social media. It doesn’t matter if they aren’t in touch with your partner, but you end up comparing your life and appearance with theirs. This stalking nature can actually go out of hand too.

Ryan, a photographer from Boston, had to pay dearly for this tendency of his girlfriend, Julie. Julie took social media a step too far and connected with Ryan’s ex-wife on Facebook and Instagram. Then, she slid into her current partner’s DMs, asking him to keep her away from Ryan. Even though there were no unhealthy boundaries with the ex-wife, Julie felt threatened, and Ryan had to part ways with her.  

Related Reading: Why Am I Stalking My Ex On Social Media? – Expert Tells Her What To Do

10. You try and control them

At times, insecurity can manifest as controlling behavior in relationships. You may start invading your partner’s personal space and start controlling their actions, all because you fear losing them. You may start issuing diktats like, 

• No late-nights
• Don’t keep in touch with your exes
• Share your passwords with me
• No spending time alone on weekends

This is one of the many ways an insecure partner drains relationship. The irony is, the harder you try to control your partner to make sure you don’t lose them, the farther away you may end up pushing them. 

11. You start avoiding them

It may seem that an insecure person always ends up being too clingy and nagging. However, that’s not always the case. Some insecure people tend to also avoid their partners. So, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you may end up avoiding your partner or staying aloof just to protect yourself from being abandoned or hurt. 

Related Reading: Avoidant Attachment: Causes And How it Affects Relationships

12. You try to overachieve

One of the signs of an insecure person in a relationship is that they tend to become an overachiever. This may sound weird but trying to ‘one-up’ in every area of your life may be a sign that you’re in desperate need of validation from your partner and are turning into an attention-seeker. 

13. You resort to unhealthy behaviors to seek attention

When you’re insecure, one of the first things you do is seek attention. So, you’ll start ‘feeling unwell’ just before her girls’ night out or you’ll have to cut his phone call with his colleague in the middle to ask them how you’re looking in your favorite dress. Here are some more such instances:

• You make excessively cheesy or raunchy comments on your partner’s social media photos to ward off anyone who may be interested in them
• You often tell them how you feel you aren’t looking good—that you’ve gained weight or need a new haircut, just to hear them say that you look just fine
• You post too mushy couple selfies on social media, sometimes even if your partner isn’t comfortable with it

14. You need to always be right

It’s believed that one of the reasons for a superiority complex is a deep-seated inferiority complex. Likewise, when you claim you’re always right in the relationship, you’re actually showcasing your inability to accept criticism. And that’s a trait of insecurity.

Related Reading: 12 Signs You Are Dating Someone With A God Complex

15. You’re the pessimist

If you’ve been called the ‘killjoy’ in the relationship, chances are you’re quite insecure. If you always spoil your partner’s mood by bringing in a negative experience that you’ve had whenever they have some good news to share, you may be a highly insecure partner. Here are some instances:

• They may be upbeat about a promotion they’ve got, but you end up dragging in an old tale on why you’ve been feeling bad about how they once tried to flirt with your friend
• They want to go out for lunch on a Sunday, but you cancel it, saying that the last time you went out, you suffered from food poisoning
• You plan things way too much in advance because you worry too much about things going wrong. So, the spontaneity of surprise dates and sudden travel plans is gone

16. You hide your emotions

Insecurity can also make a person feel ashamed of their thoughts and feelings that they hesitate to vocalize them. If you’re insecure in your relationship, you may find that you struggle to open up to your partner because you fear being judged, mocked, ridiculed. Or perhaps because deep down you know that your insecurities are unfounded, and thoughts like, “I know my boyfriend loves me but I feel insecure”, keep swirling around in your mind. 

Related Reading: 23 Signs Of Emotional Invalidation In A Relationship

17. You try to mirror them, a lot

If your friends often wonder how you and your partner act and look so alike, it could be because you’re mirroring your partner a lot. While mirroring is natural and unintended when you like a person a lot, when it’s excessive and intentional, it can be a sign of people-pleasing and shows your insecurity or your fear of losing them. Here are a few signs you’re mirroring your partner excessively:

• You engage in reflecting listening, that is, you often repeat the things your partner has said, many a time in your own words
• You often mirror their gestures, postures, and mannerisms
• You mirror their views on politics or social issues too, showing a total lack of individuality on your part

18. You indulge in self-pity

Do you find yourself wallowing in self-pity and self-criticism? Are you often miserable and complaining? Do you always picture yourself as a victim? This is also known as the ‘victim mentality’. This can be quite emotionally draining for your partner and is among the clear symptoms of insecurity in a relationship. Here are some signs that you’re a victim of self-pity:

• You feel the world is against you and everyone is out to get you
• You mostly remember things from the past where you have been cheated or victimized
• You don’t consider other points of view when relating incidents where you’ve been harmed or victimized
• While talking to your partner or other people, you mostly relate sad or tragic events that you’ve gone through
• You also often compete with them in terms of the level of sadness or negativity that you showcase in your stories

Related Reading: Insecure Attachment Style In Relationships: Causes & How To Overcome

How An Insecure Partner Drains Relationship — A Case Study 

To understand the impact of insecurity in a relationship, let’s take a look at the account shared by a reader, asking one of our mental health experts for help. This US-based reader, who is exhausted from dealing with an insecure partner, writes “I have just joined a new job after running a business with my spouse of 11 years because we ran into some heavy financial problems. We weren’t left with any choice but to go out and earn a living and quit our own enterprise. Now that we don’t work together, my insecure husband has all kinds of odd and unnecessary questions for me. He messages me endlessly day in and day out.

“I do realize that he’s going through financial stress as well, along with the fact that he’s not used to me working apart from him. I’ve explained to him very lovingly and calmly but we have fought about this many times too. I don’t want to fight too much though so I keep quiet and ignore the comments he makes about my clothes, leaving the home business, and so on. His behavior is ruining our lives as a couple as well as taking a toll on our mental health. What should I do? 

To this, Deepak says, “Change is hard but inevitable. Any unforeseen or unwelcome change can stoke different types of insecurities in us. You must make an effort to understand the root cause of the behavior. Not to excuse your spouse’s behavior but to help you not take personally his inability to deal with the psychological challenges that this change in life has thrown his way. 

“My advice in helping you figure out how to deal with insecurity in a relationship would be to hold your ground and try to not let your husband’s opinions bring you down. Perhaps, if he knew your workplace and workmates better, he would be more at ease with you going out. That is not a guarantee but it may be worth a shot.

“To that end, here are a few things you can try: 

• Take him to your work once for him to see the environment and the people you work with
• Call a select few of the people at home for coffee and let him socialize with them. 
• Maybe even plan a fun double date with another couple from the office.

“This must be done to help abate his fears and insecurities as opposed to an act that was undertaken to help him get off your back. The focus and goal of intention are very important. It will help you deal with the outcomes of the experiment, whatever they might be. If this doesn’t cut it, I would suggest a few brief sessions in couple counseling.”

5 Tips On How To Deal With Insecurity In A Relationship

Remember what we said, the end goal of this detailed rundown on insecurity is to help you understand how to work on yourself in a relationship and build a more wholesome connection with your partner. To that end, let’s take a look at how to deal with insecurity in a relationship:  

1. Focus on self-love

The journey of figuring out how to not be insecure in relationship needs to be directed inward. You need to work on yourself and your underlying issues to stop projecting insecurities onto your partner. The best way to do that is by fostering self-love. 

Stop talking yourself out of opportunities and profitable situations that will help you grow. Indulge in positive self-talk and motivate yourself to do better to do justice to your talents and not because of your partner.

2. Engage in effective and open communication

Your partner needs to know how you feel before they can make you feel secure. For that, you need to master effective and open communication that allows you to express your needs, desires, and wants, without getting defensive or placing blame. This will help ease a lot of anxiety, and you will start feeling more grounded in the relationship. 

3. Stop overthinking

It is easy to blame your partner for your insecurities, and say, “My spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend makes me feel insecure”. But take a moment to think whether that is really the case or are you letting overthinking ruin your relationship?

Make a conscious effort to break free from the tendency to overthink little things. Not getting an immediate response from your partner may not be the end of the world. They may be dealing with a lot at work or they may not be in the right mood to text you. Don’t overanalyze without any valid proof, especially if your partner has an explanation to offer.

4. Build trust

“My boyfriend makes me feel insecure all the time.” “My girlfriend preys on my insecurities.” “I feel insecure about my husband/wife.” These thoughts stem from a lack of trust. So, work toward strengthening the foundation of trust in your relationship, it will help you feel secure. You can do this by working on your relationship issues, setting realistic expectations, and firm relationship boundaries. 

5. Seek professional help

Figuring out how to deal with insecurity in a relationship can be hard if you go at it alone. Therapy, on the other hand, can be an immensely effective tool in helping you uncover the underlying triggers, work through them, and replace unhealthy patterns with healthier ones. If you’re tired of insecurity getting in the way of your ability to forge lasting relationships, consider seeking help from a mental health expert. For that, skilled and experienced therapists on Bonobology’s panel are always there for you. 

Final Thoughts

Insecurity can be a sinister undercurrent that can snowball into a whirlpool and consume even the most promising relationships. It all stems from low self-worth and other deep-seated issues. So, if you’re always worried your partner might leave you, before you try and fix your partner and their ways, look inside you and heal yourself. 

Remember, if a person wishes to leave, nothing will make them stay. Perhaps, it’s best to focus your energies on things you can control, such as building your self-confidence and self-esteem. That’s the only way to find the right person and build an enduring relationship with them.

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