Being in love means being at peace, enjoying the company of the person you love, and hoping to build a happy future. Utopia indeed! However, the reality is often far from this perfect idea of relationships we harbor. From trust issues to toxic behaviors, there is a whole spectrum of issues that can get in the way of our ability to build the best, most wholesome relationship possible. One such common impediment is the green-eyed monster called jealousy. If that’s what you’ve been struggling with, learning how to stop being jealous and controlling is the only way to build a secure relationship.
Perhaps that’s easier said than done. After all, jealousy is a complex emotion. Some experts define it as a protective emotion but in a destructive way. It can be hard to ascertain where it is stemming from and how to rein it in. That’s why we’re here to help with some effective strategies to deal with romantic jealousy and the controlling tendencies that come with it, in consultation with psychotherapist and trauma specialist Prachi Vaish (M.Phil in Psychology), who specializes in relationship counseling, couples therapy, anxiety disorders, management of Borderline Personality Disorder, and recovery from trauma.
Why Do I Get So Jealous?
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If this is the question you ask yourself from time to time, you are in a good place. Now, we aren’t saying jealousy is good but it’s nice to be self-aware when you find yourself being consumed by jealousy and it starts affecting your peace of mind. The first tip for learning how to stop being jealous and controlling is to understand the feeling of jealousy correctly.
Prachi explains, “Envy says, “I want what you have, how can I get it?” and jealousy says, “I don’t have what you have and I won’t let you have it either” or “You’re trying to take what’s mine, I won’t let you!” So anything that triggers the latter thought in any relationship will lead to jealousy.” In matters of relationships, insecurity, and lack of confidence can lead to jealousy and a tendency to control your partner. For instance, if you feel the need to keep tabs on your partner’s moves, it is an indication of the demons in your mind.
There may be a lack of trust and the fear of betrayal that motivates such behavior. On other occasions, it might be a case of pure ego. As much as you claim to love your spouse or partner, you can’t bear to see him or her being more successful or popular than you. This causes you to become more and more jealous and insecure.
Whatever the reason, if you can’t find an answer to how to stop being jealous and controlling, you will never find happiness. “All emotions have a function and jealousy is simply an emotion with no good or bad value judgment to it. What’s important is how this emotion is interpreted and acted upon,” adds Prachi.
Related Reading: Can Healthy Jealousy Help You Build Stronger Relationships?
15 Strategies To Stop Being Jealous And Controlling In Relationships
Jealousy and insecurity in relationships are not uncommon, and in certain situations, these emotions are justified as well. For instance, you might burn up at the thought of your partner cozying up to someone else. Or might feel a strange sense of possessiveness if you see someone make a pass at them. These are all perfectly legit feelings that indicate a sense of primal protection toward someone you have feelings for.
The problem arises when you feel this way even when you have no reason to distrust your partner. In such cases, jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of fear, insecurity, unrealistic expectations, or one’s past. If you find that you can’t get past these negative emotions, it’s time to make conscious efforts to figure out how to stop being jealous and controlling. These 15 expert-backed tips will help you correct course:
1. Introspect and communicate
The first step is to identify the feeling of jealousy. The improbable rage that creeps up in a particular situation involving your partner and someone else. The inexplicable sense of fear that envelops you when you are away from your beloved. The constant need to check up on your girlfriend or boyfriend. These are all signs of being jealous.
“Ask yourself what is making you jealous and insecure,” says Prachi, “Look inward and figure out if there is an event in the past that made you feel the same way. Once you have isolated a rational reason (and there is ALWAYS a rational reason, either in the present or buried in the past), talk to the person who is triggering jealousy.”
Related Reading: 11 Ways To Improve Communication In Relationships
2. Keep a reality check on your expectations
Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of unrealistic expectations, among other things. If that’s your trigger, learning how to stop being jealous and controlling in your relationship means learning to manage expectations realistically. One of the best ways to deal with romantic jealousy is to take a long hard look at your expectations and the reality of the situation.
Do you want your partner to constantly be at your beck and call, have no close friendships outside of your relationship, and discuss everything with you? You’re setting yourself up for disappointment, which, in turn, triggers insecurity in relationships. For a healthy relationship, it’s critical to give your partner space and maintain your independence.
You and your partner have a life, career, and friendships of your own. You cannot expect your lives to fuse completely. Of course, you can always talk and share your concerns but remember they are not responsible for your happiness and you not for theirs.
3. Allow yourself to be vulnerable
Identifying your triggers and talking about them is a key part of figuring out how to stop being jealous and controlling. To be able to do so, you need to remember that talking about your triggers and insecurity will not make you appear weak. “There is a difference between being vulnerable and being fragile. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable paves the way for deeper intimacy in a relationship,” says Prachi.
She adds that the only thing you have to make sure of is that the conversation takes place when you are not emotionally charged. “Stick to the issue at hand rather than bring all their past errors to the fore to make your argument stronger. You will just end up making your partner defensive. End the conversation rationally by stating exact pointers on how they can help you feel more secure,” she advises.
Related Reading: How To Deal With Jealousy In Relationships?
4. Communicate and listen
If you want to truly know how to deal with jealousy, there is no alternative to fostering healthy communication. When you feel jealous and insecure, first try and talk to yourself. And then talk to your partner. List down the occasions and the behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable and what may manifest in jealousy.
When you feel a particular way, do not take the entire blame upon yourself or shame yourself for it. Maybe is a legitimate reason why you feel the way you do. It’s best to have a candid chat with him or her and confess your negative emotions. Who knows your partner may become more aware and sensitive toward your feelings.
5. Be aware of how jealousy is destroying your relationship
Being constantly on the edge wondering who your partner is meeting or texting can take a toll on your mental health and emotional well-being, along with adversely impacting your bond with your partner. Getting worked up and imagining all sorts of worst-case scenarios if he or she is late from work or traveling can wreck your peace of mind more than anyone else’s. If you’re wondering how to deal with jealousy and how to stop being controlling in a relationship, you need to be aware of these triggers and what they do to you.
Once you are aware of how these feelings of insecurity are coming in the way of your happiness, you will be better equipped to deal with them. You have to be prepared to put in the work to succeed in your attempt of overcoming jealousy and controlling tendencies. It may not be easy but with time and practice, you will be able to make that shift from controlling your partner to controlling your thoughts from spiraling out of control.
6. Focus on the positives of your relationship
If you want to know how to stop being jealous and controlling, focus on the positives more than the negatives. For instance, if you feel troubled by your man’s tendency to charm any woman he meets, you fear his flirtatious nature. But have you thought about all that is right in your relationship? Does he care about you, make you feel happy, and support you when you need it? Give your energy to those aspects.
For sure, you have every right to voice your displeasure but do not allow the negatives to overcome the positives. “Make an effort to overcome doubt in your relationship rather than allow your jealousy to derail what is already working,” says Prachi. That is the answer to how to deal with jealousy constructively.
Related Reading: 10 Tips To Turn Jealousy In Relationships Into Motivation
7. Practice self-love
To love and be loved by others, you need to love yourself. One of the main reasons why people struggle with insecurity in relationships and can never figure out how to stop being jealous and controlling is because they fail to nurture self-love. A lack of self-worth is often projected as jealousy toward your partner because you have this inherent fear of not being good enough for them.
On the contrary, if you are secure in your skin, and have a good sense of self-worth, you won’t look for a person to complete you and fulfill your unmet needs. So one way to overcome feelings of paranoia and jealousy is to work on bettering yourself in terms of health, looks, career, or any other aspect of life.
8. Work toward fortifying common ground
Wondering how to deal with jealousy and how to stop being controlling in a relationship? Instead of focusing on what differentiates you and your partner, try to direct your energies on what connects you and what common traits you share. Humanize them, do not place your lover on a pedestal and yourself on a lower rung—it’s a common trigger for insecurities in a relationship. This, in turn, makes you feel jealous when your relationship does not give you the gratification you seek. Instead, strive to be an equal partner.
Related Reading: How To Connect With Your Partner On A Deeper Level – Expert Helps
10. Trust your partner and yourself
The opposite of jealousy is trust. Any relationship marred with toxic jealousy signs will inevitably have a trust deficit. So, the journey of figuring out how to deal with jealousy entails working toward building or rebuilding trust in your relationship. “Once you foster trust, the need for control and monitoring every aspect of your partner’s life will dissipate too,” says Prachi. She recommends the following tips on building trust that you can work on with your partner:
- Be consistent: Follow through on promises and commitments
- Communicate honestly: Share your thoughts and feelings openly, even when it’s difficult
- Practice transparency: Be open about your actions and intentions
- Be supportive: Show up for your partner in times of need
- Show trust in return: Trust your partner and show that you believe in their integrity and intentions
- Avoid judgment: Listen without jumping to conclusions, allowing your partner to express themselves fully
11. Develop healthy boundaries
Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of fear, trust deficit, and past traumas. All of these factors can make you want to overstep your bounds and feel a need to control your partner’s every move. That’s why jealousy and control often co-exist. The best way to address such toxic jealousy signs and learn how to stop being controlling in a relationship is to establish clear boundaries in the relationship.
These help create a sense of security and mutual respect, reducing the impulse to control and jealous tendencies. Prachi says, “Boundaries are not about rejecting or pushing away your partner. Healthy boundaries help you and your partner to respect each other’s individuality while staying connected.”
12. Cultivate personal hobbies and interests
Insecurity in relationships is a common trigger for jealous and controlling behaviors. This feeling of insecurity is rooted in the idea of feeling like you’re not worthy or good enough. That happens when you lack a sense of purpose or make your entire existence contingent on your partner.
The best way to move past jealous and controlling behavior is to cultivate that sense of purpose by engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside the relationship. “Having your own hobbies and interests helps reduce reliance on your partner for validation. It creates space for growth, reducing the tendency to become overly dependent on your partner,” says Prachi.
Related Reading: Jealousy In A Relationship Is Most Often An Indication Of These 9 ...
13. Challenge negative thoughts
As we’ve said before, jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of your own fears, insecurities, past experiences, trust issues, and so on. The triggers may vary but jealousy invariably stems from negative emotions and thought patterns. Naturally then, one of the most effective ways to counter it is to actively identify and challenge irrational or negative thoughts related to jealousy.
“Jealousy often stems from distorted thinking patterns and you need to work on replacing them with more balanced perspectives. By challenging these thoughts and examining their validity, you can diminish the power they have over you and prevent them from controlling your emotions,” says Prachi.
14. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness can be an effective tool to manage and control toxic jealousy signs in a relationship. Mindfulness is the practice of being in the present moment and aware of your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and environment. Mindfulness techniques can go a long way in helping you manage emotional triggers, allowing you to respond calmly rather than react impulsively to feelings of jealousy.
“Mindfulness helps you observe your emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them,” says Prachi. She recommends the following mindfulness exercises to counter the feeling of jealousy or need for control:
- Box breathing: Slow, deep breaths—breathing in on 4 counts and out on 6—to help calm yourself down
- Body scan: Focusing your attention on different sensations in your body to take your mind away from overwhelming emotions
- Journaling: Putting down your thoughts and feelings in words
- Love-kindness meditation: Thinking of affirmations for your relationship, yourself, and your partner helps reduce the intensity of negative emotions like jealousy
Related Reading: 9 Ways To Practice Mindfulness In Intimate Relationships
15. Talk to a therapist
If your jealousy goes beyond reasonable limits and starts affecting your bond with your partner, it is wise to seek help from a professional. Jealousy can destroy the most beautiful of bonds as it comes in the way of building healthy, trusting relationships. Most importantly, a therapist can help you identify the triggers especially from the past or your childhood that may be the root cause or the source of your negative emotions and help you get rid of them. If you’re considering seeking help, skilled and experienced mental health professionals on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
FAQs
1. How do you overcome insecurities in a relationship?
You can overcome insecurities in a relationship by focusing on the positives, communicating your needs perfectly, and identifying the triggers that make you jealous or insecure.
2. Why do I feel like controlling everything in my relationship?
It could be due to deep-rooted insecurity, which in turn, could be traced back to your childhood needs that may not have been met adequately. Jealousy leads to the tendency to control your relationship because you lack trust in yourself and your partner.
3. How to get rid of jealousy?
You can get rid of jealousy by focusing on the positive traits you share with your partner, learning how to trust, being open and communicative, and being willing to seek professional help if you can’t control your negative emotions.
4. Is there such a thing as healthy jealousy?
Jealousy may not be healthy but it can help your relationship become stronger by identifying what it is that you really want and what makes you insecure. Once you identify with it, you can perhaps work on strengthening that aspect.
Final Thoughts
Building healthy, loving relationships requires a lot of work. That work is not just limited to fostering positive elements but also removing what is toxic. Try and turn your jealousy into something slightly positive by using it to identify what you want and what you don’t. In some cases, it can even help relationships become stronger!
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