The trauma of betrayal in a relationship hits too close to home for me, as I’ve watched my brother grapple with this emotional turmoil after learning about his wife’s infidelity through the whispers of neighbors. As it turned out, she was involved with his best friend for a very long time. So, it’s easy to imagine the devastation my sibling had to go through. Watching his ordeal got me thinking about relationship betrayal, its impact, and ways to deal with it.
To get some answers, I spoke with psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couples counseling. Counseling psychologist Kavita Panyam (Masters in Psychology and international affiliate with the American Psychological Association), who has been helping couples work through their relationship issues for over two decades, also gave valuable insight into dealing with betrayal and overcoming the pain and hurt.
What Is Betrayal In A Relationship?
Table of Contents
Betrayal in a relationship is a breach of trust that shatters emotional security. It can take many forms—infidelity, dishonesty, emotional neglect, or broken promises. At its core, betrayal occurs when one partner acts in a way that violates the expectations, commitments, or boundaries of the relationship, causing deep hurt and a sense of abandonment. It erodes intimacy, leaving the betrayed partner feeling deceived, unvalued, and disconnected.
For my brother, this was the woman of his dreams. It would have never crossed his mind that she would betray him, worst of all, with his best friend. The effects of betrayal in marriage really took a toll on him because he did not know how to let go of the hurt. Nandita says, “There’s no excuse for betraying one’s partner. This breach of trust is devastating, no matter how one tries to rationalize it. ”
Types of betrayal in a relationship that cause trauma
When you define betrayal in a relationship, it always boils down to a breach of trust. Yet, there are so many forms of it. “Betrayal in a relationship could be of subtler kinds. Lying or withholding information comes under the ambit of betrayal just like other forms such as sexual or emotional infidelity as well as financial betrayal. If there’s any chance for the relationship to heal, then the partner who has caused the hurt must be completely honest about why they betrayed their partner. They must show genuine remorse and the will to make amends consistently,” says Nandita.
Also, given that its interpretation is subjective, one partner’s definition of betrayal may not be the same as the other. This can leave a lot of gray areas, and in turn, room for missteps that can harm a relationship. That’s why it’s important for couples to be on the same page about what constitutes betrayal for them. To be able to that, you need an understanding of different types of relationship betrayal that be traumatic to the person at the receiving end:
- Infidelity: Like in my brother’s case, infidelity involves physical or emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship. This type of betrayal hurts so much because it is an undeniable violation of the trust that is so critical in romantic relationships. Whether it is physical or emotional infidelity, a one-time event, or an ongoing affair, trust and boundaries are violated. Kavita explains, “Infidelity isn’t just sleeping with someone other than your partner. It could also be when you are caught sexting, this can have an impact on the mind, body, and soul. Romantic partner betrayal makes you feel helpless, unstable, and insecure. I have seen the discovery of betrayal resulting in anger, silent treatment, and resentment.”
- Broken promises: When one partner constantly breaks commitments, it becomes hard to trust them. The resulting feelings are insecurity, disappointment, and an impending feeling of future betrayal.
- Lies and deception: Lies can also chip away at the foundation of trust in a relationship, and leave the partner being lied to feeling betrayed. For instance, every time my brother’s wife went to meet her lover, she would make up stories and lies about her whereabouts. When the infidelity came to light, my brother could see those lies clearly in hindsight and every time he thought of such an instance, it triggered his betrayal trauma
- Lack of respect: When a partner openly disrespects another, every jibe, every snide remark, every “joke” contributes to emotional betrayal in a relationship. The philandering lady resorted to being rather critical and neglectful of my brother, and the continuous hurt she caused in the process did some major damage to their already fragile relationship
- Financial betrayal: A partner will feel betrayed if there’s financial infidelity, resulting in stress, resentment, and insecurity in a romantic relationship
- Emotional distance: My brother shared that his wife started withdrawing affection and intimacy—another classic form of emotional betrayal. That should have been a red flag since she was someone who had a high sex drive. Well, she was getting her needs met, not just by my brother though
Related Reading: The 8 Most Common Types Of Cheating In A Relationship
Signs of betrayal in a relationship
What does relationship/marital betrayal look like? How do you know your partner is betraying your trust? While it can be hard to recognize the red flags when it comes to someone you love and trust implicitly, if you’re being betrayed, the warning signs are there all along. Listen to your gut and watch out for the following signs of betrayal in a relationship.
- Changes in communication such as secretiveness and withdrawal
- Behavioral changes like late nights and unexplained absences
- Financial changes such as hidden expenses, which can be a sign of financial infidelity
- Sexual changes such as loss of intimacy or interest in sex
- Physical changes such as sudden interest in weight loss or how they dress, etc
- Emotional changes such as irritability, mood swings, loss of interest, etc
Psychological reasons for betrayal
Few things come close to the pain and trauma caused by a partner betraying your trust. To be able to make sense of it and perhaps take the first step toward overcoming betrayal, you need to address the question: why would someone willingly hurt their partner? What is the trigger behind the betrayal of trust in a relationship? Unfortunately, there’s no simple answer, as betrayal is a complex issue. Some underlying psychological reasons include:
- Need for control through sexual or emotional infidelity, emotional abuse, or financial infidelity
- Insecurity and low self-esteem, thus the need for external validation
- Fear of intimacy or attachment issues, thus self-sabotaging behavior
- The excitement of risky, secretive behavior
- When one partner has unmet needs in a romantic relationship
- Mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression resulting in reckless or impulsive behavior
Related Reading: 12 Signs Your Past Relationships Are Affecting Your Present Relationship
Understanding the underlying reason behind the betrayal of trust in a relationship can be a crucial step toward finding a solution to prevent a recurrence as well as figuring out how to cope with betrayal and heal from it.
Why Does Betrayal Hurt So Much?
Betrayal can feel like someone has stuck a knife in your gut and is slowly turning it. The effects of betrayal in marriage or a relationship are undoubtedly gutting and healing from it takes time. That’s because betrayal hits at the very core of what we need from a relationship—intimacy, security, and trust. Anything that interferes with that will trigger betrayal trauma, bringing up emotions like:
- Pain and anger, which are natural responses to betrayal in an intimate relationship
- Confusion and doubt can impact one’s self-esteem
- Insecurity and fear due to worries about future betrayal
- Sadness and grief for the loss of trust
A Reddit user explains the impact of betrayal trauma in a relationship rather well. “It hurts to have people treat you like trash. It hurts that they can treat you like trash, and you bear the pain while they move on because they never cared about you, and you cared about them. The best you can do is feel your feelings, tell yourself “Yup, this sucks”, not do anything about it, and distract yourself by doing good things for yourself. Living well is really the best revenge. And time really does heal,” they say.
Related Reading: I’m happily married but I like to pretend I’m single
Impact Of Betrayal On A Relationship
Being betrayed by someone you love can rock the very foundation of your relationship and trigger a ripple effect of consequences, which include:
- Erosion of trust: The basis of any healthy relationship is trust. Once you damage this foundation, it is difficult to rebuild intimacy and vulnerability
- Communication breakdown: Without trust, open and honest communication is not possible with the betrayed person
- Loss of intimacy: When you feel betrayed, intimacy and emotional connection fly out of the proverbial window
- Resentment and anger: Like a slow burning fire, hurt and anger simmer below the surface. Eventually, it will consume any intimacy or love that existed in the relationship
- Fear of betrayal: As they say, once bitten, twice shy. If you have been betrayed by a partner you loved and trusted, you may develop a fear of betrayal that stops you from going all-in, be it in the same relationship or future ones
A Reddit user shares her experience of betrayal, “I have developed major trust issues, insecurities, and resentment towards him, and I often get really triggered by things romantic or seeing other couples in love and things like that, as I feel I can’t have that with him due to the blocks I have formed towards him.”
The aftermath of betrayal is very painful, and you may struggle to figure out what to say to your husband who betrayed you, how to communicate with a wife who betrayed your trust, or how to forgive a partner for betraying you. Unfortunately, there’s no script.
Nandita says, “Whatever you say will be emotional. But the rational statements would be those that are straightforward and express what you want to know. If you want to learn how to deal with betrayal, ask questions that will let you know whether you can ever trust your partner again, and based on that, make your decision.”
Try something like, “I am deeply hurt by your betrayal and would like to know why it had to happen.” It’s about getting clarity without resorting to anger. But is it all doom and gloom? No, there’s hope of overcoming the betrayal trauma in a relationship. Let’s see what the experts have to say about how to deal with betrayal.
Related Reading: Does Marriage Counseling Work In Solving Relationship Issues?
How To Deal With Betrayal In A Relationship—8 Expert-Backed Tips
When you’re dealing with partner betrayal trauma, you may find yourself gripped by confusion, anger, and a sense of loss. Your mind is clouded with questions—what, why, how of it all. You begin to question everything. Your self-esteem takes a hit. It’s almost as if you’re slipping into a dark abyss of hopelessness and despair from which there is no coming back.
While all these emotions and the pain you’re experiencing are real, betrayal trauma recovery is possible. With the right steps in figuring out how to cope with betrayal from an intimate partner, you can heal, move forward, and look back at it as nothing but a bad experience that taught you some vital life lessons. What are these “right steps”, you may wonder? Here’s what our experts recommend:
Related Reading: Reassurance in a Relationship: Meaning, Importance, And How To Seek
1. Give freedom to your emotions
You are hurt, betrayed, angry, and experiencing a whole range of emotions. At this stage, don’t even think about how to forgive someone who betrayed you. While regulating your emotions is important, stifling them will impede your betrayal recovery.
Give yourself permission to feel the full extent of your emotions and find ways to let them all out. Keeping the pain of emotional betrayal inside will only hurt you more and fill you with self-doubt over your own worth. Also, there’s no timeline you must adhere to, so never feel pressured to move on until it makes sense for you to do so.
2. Give yourself time to heal
Can you heal after being cheated on and stay together? Can you learn how to forgive someone who betrayed you? Nandita says, “Healing will not be an instant or easy job. There are no shortcuts or magic solutions for overcoming betrayal. It’ll require constant efforts from the partner who broke the trust and respect for each other through the healing process. There must also be clear communication that you both want the relationship to heal and get back to a committed one. You must also support each other with compassion and understanding that it was a human mistake.”
3. Prioritize self-care
Dealing with betrayal of trust in a relationship is not very different from going through post-breakup depression. Your physical and mental health will take a beating during the healing process. Betrayal trauma is real and causes tons of emotional pain. Prioritize your well-being by eating well, getting enough sleep, and putting yourself first. You can worry about how to forgive someone who betrayed you later.
Related Reading: Relationship Advice: 10 Easy Steps To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship
4. Lean on your support community
Overcoming betrayal is not easy and you need all the support you can get to tide over this storm. Talk to someone you trust to help during these tough times. If you’re struggling to figure out how to get over betrayal in a relationship, know that leaning on your loved ones for support and comfort can give you the strength to take the first step toward healing.
5. Forgiveness
Forgiveness is an important aspect of betrayal trauma recovery. While it may not be easy to forgive a partner who has betrayed your trust, without it, you won’t be able to let go of the hurt, trauma, and pain. On how to forgive someone who betrayed you, Nandita says, “Forgiveness is possible. It depends on the mindsets, personalities, commitment, and maturity levels of the partners. It’s all about empathizing with this new side of your partner and realizing that people are vulnerable and can make mistakes.” Remember, forgiving does not equal condoning the act. But it does make it easier to free yourself of the anger and resentment.
Related Reading: How To Survive A Sexless Marriage Without Cheating
6. Get professional help
Healing from betrayal trauma on your own can be akin to trying to scale a mountain with no gear or tools to support you. When you’re dealt the rough hand of relationship/marital betrayal, your entire life gets upended, and there is a significant impact on your emotional well-being and mental health.
That’s why you need professional help to make any real progress in betrayal recovery. Kavita says, “Betrayal can have a deep impact on a couple’s emotional connection. Many people want to apologize for the consequences of betrayal. But, the partner who feels insulted and humiliated may not be in a frame of mind to be receptive to these apologies. That’s why I do acceptance therapy after the impact of the shock has worn off and the betrayed partner can think logically and calmly. After accepting the situation, some betrayed partners want to take a break and go through therapy.
“Some people want to heal together and work through the sorrow of losing the primary connection. They start again as friends, then go on to being lovers, and then parents. We can see that trajectory sometimes when there’s betrayal in love relationships.” If you’re looking for help, Bonobology’s counseling service is only a click away.
7. Get ready for a new relationship dynamic
If you’re wondering how to get over betrayal in a relationship, know that you can’t just go back to the status quo once the betrayal has come to light. Expect plenty of changes to the relationship dynamic. Nandita says, “It’s not possible to get back into the same relationship even if you decide to forgive and move on. You’ll be starting from scratch and entering a new relationship altogether. You now view the relationship and your partner in a new way. If you’ve made the journey of healing so far, then it’s a matter of time to see if the relationship works out or not.
“When working with such clients, I’ve seen that their relationship doesn’t heal completely. It just continues in a different form. It takes a long time, more than 6 months, for them to get back on track. It remains a work in progress for a long time to come, sometimes for as long as they are together.”
Related Reading: Should You Stay In An Unhappy Marriage With Kids?
8. Rebuilding trust
An important — and perhaps the hardest — component of how to deal with betrayal and heal is rebuilding trust. So, what is the process of rebuilding trust? Gradually rebuilding intimacy to create that physical and emotional connection in the intimate relationship as well as taking responsibility for the act and what could have led to the betrayal. Both partners need to do this. In retrospect, my brother admitted to neglecting his wife because of his career demands. While that is no justification for his wife’s infidelity, different people respond to difficult life situations differently.
FAQs
1. What causes someone to betray another?
There are numerous reasons why people betray others. It could be love, lust, greed, revenge, or jealousy. But in intimate relationships, betrayal happens when a person cheats, messes up with finances, gets into nefarious activities, or is even battling drug addiction.
2. What is the ultimate betrayal in a relationship?
Betrayal of any kind is painful, and it is very hard to heal from the betrayal trauma. Though it’s difficult to say which the ultimate betrayal is, it seems cheating, plotting a partner’s death, and financial infidelity are the worst kinds of betrayals.
3. Why is betrayal so painful?
Betrayal is extremely painful because your trust in your intimate partner is completely shattered. Trust helps build all relationships. Playing with trust is like breaking down the foundation pillars of a building.
Key Pointers
- Betrayal in a relationship is the feeling of deception or hurt by someone you care for
- Why does betrayal hurt so much? Because it hits at the core of what makes relationships strong: trust
- There are numerous reasons for betrayal, including the need for control, low self-esteem, fear of intimacy, and unmet needs
- From feeling your emotions to prioritizing self-care and practicing forgiveness, there is a whole gamut of complex but essential steps that can help with betrayal recovery
- Getting professional help to make sense of the blow you’ve been dealt can be the most crucial step for figuring out how to get over betrayal in a romantic relationship
Final Thoughts
Partner betrayal trauma proved to be the breaking point in my brother’s marriage. Unfortunately, even therapy did not help since he could not overcome the fact that his best friend was involved. However, not every relationship meets that fate. It is possible to overcome betrayal in a relationship and rebuild trust once again.
If you have been betrayed by someone you love, don’t feel pressured to do what you think you “ought to” or are expected to. Whether it is staying together or moving on, take all the time you need to decide where you want to go from here and act accordingly. Even if you change your mind later on, know that’s a completely valid choice. No one but you gets to decide how you want to heal what the person you loved and trusted the most broke.
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