In a world where monogamy is often considered the default for romantic relationships, open relationships offer an alternative path, one that challenges traditional notions of commitment and fidelity. While navigating the complexities of an open relationship can be daunting, it’s also a testament to the evolving nature of love and the diverse ways in which people find connection and fulfillment.
Open Relationships Are Trending For Today’s Urban Couples
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An open relationship in India may raise many eyebrows, for it is taboo. As a culture and a society, we do not approve of polygamy. And why only India, in many countries it’s considered unconventional. But as India progresses, urban life is becoming faster. Some lovers have decided to truly experience “variety is the spice of life”.
Sonam and Zabir have been in an open relationship for the past 4 years and seem completely happy. Sonam is a 27 year old, slim and pretty Malayali Hindu girl and her boyfriend Zabir is a 29-year-old Muslim boy. A few years back they were living together, but soon after his parents moved to Pune from Aurangabad, he moved in with his parents. As Sonam could not afford the rent all by herself, she decided to move in with her mother.
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The complexity of their relationship
Their relationship is at times extremely complex. Sonam’s mother is a very good friend of mine and I often go visit them in the evenings after work. I see Zabir most of the times at her place. After they both go to their bedroom and lock the door, I can’t help but ask Sonam’s mother, “Why is he always at your place? Has Sonam ever been to his place?” “His parents do not know about their relationship, but I am cool with it. It is Sonam’s life and she needs to decide what is best for her,” replied her mother. So I figured that his family is not as progressive and modern as hers.
A few weeks later, I asked Sonam about her love affair with Zabir and she responded, “We are in a relationship, but our boundaries and rules are defined by us. Whenever he feels like getting married to someone else he can. I do not want to get married.” I quickly asked her, “What about him straying for the lack of commitment?” “We both are open to date others, as we tell each other everything. We think it is helpful in our relationship. It is better to tell and sleep around than to cheat,” said she.
At that moment, I felt that it was too much complexity to deal with. She is a Hindu and he is a Muslim. His parents do not know about them but her mother is cool. And to add to the entire mess, they do not want to get married and are seeing each other and other people for the past 4 years. I couldn’t help but wonder, do they even love each other?
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The simplicity of their relationship
One day when I was at Sonam’s place, I gathered the courage to ask her, “Sonam, do you love Zabir?” “Yes, I love him and he loves me too,” she replied.
“Open communication is our lifeline. We talk about everything, no matter how uncomfortable.”
“I know that it could be difficult for many to understand, but we like it this way. We are honest, we do not need to hide our urge to be sexually active, and most importantly, we know that we will be there for one another when needed. Sex and seeing other people are just as much a part of our relationship. At least we do not lie to each other and all our discussions are more evolved than most couples in a monogamous relationship.” She explained the simplicity of their relationship to me so well that I was convinced that it was right for them. After all, who am I to decide what is right or wrong? I truly felt at ease when I spoke to her and got to know that their relationship is based on trust and love. Each person’s definition of these two terms is distinct.
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What about the future of their relationship then?
Sometimes, however, I wonder what could be the future to their relationship? What if his parents who seem to be the traditional types, start pestering him to get married to a Muslim girl? “Well, it will not bother me at all. He will still see me and I will still see him. In fact, he would be lying to his wife but not me. I am financially independent and I know that whenever we need each other even financially we will be there. For me, I’m not hiding anything,” she explains.
From Zabir’s perspective, I wondered if he was doing anything wrong, but to that Sonam once again helped me understand that love does not have to be confined to only one person. “He can love me and he can love his wife, if he gets married.
It will be his choice to tell her and it will be her choice to stay with him. It is all just the choices you make.”
“But what if he starts cutting you out, if he happens to fall in love with his wife and wants a monogamous marriage with her?” I asked. She smiled and she asked me, “What will you do if you start falling out of love? I do not know how I will react then. After all nothing is permanent.”
I soon figured that happiness is a choice you make; it can never be incidental. With the traditional upbringing I had and for the progressive education that I received, a constant conflict in my mind forced me to understand how their “open” relationship worked. Today, when I see both of them happy, my conflicting mind stops questioning.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How do they ensure that their primary relationship remains strong?
Prioritizing the primary relationship is essential. This involves dedicating quality time together, maintaining open and honest communication, and expressing appreciation for each other.
2. How do they handle concerns about sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?
Open communication about sexual health, regular testing, and the consistent use of barrier methods are crucial for maintaining sexual health in open relationships.
3. What are some common challenges couples face in open relationships?
Challenges can include managing time and energy between multiple partners, navigating social stigma, and dealing with unexpected emotions or situations.
Final Thoughts
Open relationships, while not for everyone, can be a fulfilling and rewarding choice for some couples. However, navigating the complexities of such a relationship requires honesty, communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to adapt and grow together. It’s crucial for both partners to be fully committed to the arrangement and to prioritize the health and happiness of both the primary relationship and any additional connections.
If you are considering an open relationship, it’s important to have open and honest discussions with your partner about your needs, expectations, and boundaries. Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to open relationships, and it’s essential to find what works best for you and your partner. Our counselors can provide a safe space for couples to explore their desires, establish healthy boundaries, and navigate the complexities of non-monogamy.
What is an open marriage and why do people choose to have one?
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Ask Our Expert
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Do you think if we all were more honest we would not be shocked at this piece?
Yes. Happiness is a choice you make consciously. And when it comes to an open relationship, well, defining your own boundaries gives you the certainty that you both are the anchors of the bond, and not some dominant ideology. Being honest to each other adds expansion to the horizon of each others’ understanding and you can evolve magnificently. Keeping it that simple eases up everything.
True!!! You get a lot of blank looks when you tell someone you are in an open relationship. When people know you are in an open relationship since day one and you are currently in year three, then they become really curious.
As far as how it works – honesty is the only policy. There are no secrets in this relationship.
I feel if there are ground rules laid out and you adhere to them, and you are with the right kind of person(you actually never know about it, but assuming), those open relationships can survive!
What I prefer about open relationships is that in theory it is better than cheating.
But these relationships should not be publicized or appreciated. It should be like “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. The reason is that it would promote social norms that relationships outside marriage would be recognized as equal to those within the traditional social norms (formal marriage etc). Such open relationships in turn would destroy the existing society as we know it. Once such errant behavior is being accepted, it would also produce a society full of bastards because no one would know who the father is. A child being raised without any family identity turns out, in most cases to be anti-social.
The lessons of such a polyamory can be had from Mahabharata. The entire civilization was destroyed I thru’ bloodshed over lusting for a woman who was already shared by 5 people.
So opposition to this form of relationship should continue from the “conservative” quarters of the society.
Polyamory is just a matter of lust. If it had any real compassion, friendship or respect for human beings, then the relationship would have culminated into monogamy. People who are slaves of lust are slaves to polyamory.
No mam, you’re wrong. Try to educate yourself more and talk to polyamorous people before making bland judgements based on mythologies & imaginations.
In fact, data shows sex positive societies that are accepting of the many flavours of love & lust tend to have happier lives.
Thank you.
@SKP
I do not need education about polyamory – which is only about consensual lust and sex.
So, yes if men and women can have multiple partners and engage in wild sex many times a day without having to bother about anything, it would make them happy. There is nothing new about it.
In brief it is escapism. By engaging in sex and lust, one is bound to forget the sorrows of a traditional monogamous life. So sex here provides an escape from reality. If you have a way not to brood over worries and troubles, and not have to execute social responsibilities, you will be happy. The great Indian sadhu – Rajaneesh – promoted unbirdled sex and lust as a way to get happiness and attain salvation. In other words, by leading a lusty immoral life he preached that one can attain moksha or liberation. I think polyamory is based on such teachings of Rajneesh.
This is not but going from civilized society to animalistic living. Humans going towards animals to satiate animal instincts , greed and lust. Shedding out responsibilities as if.borned for enjoying the mating.In this purpose of life is only mating as you wish with any one That’s all. Introspection of self is lost against the lust.