Picture this: of all the people you could have fallen in love with, you chose someone who couldn’t love you back. Now you’re devastated as you come to terms with the blow of romantic rejection. You may be grieving for a love that was never yours in the first place or one that did not pan out as you’d hoped. 

Either way, handling rejection is hard and that’s because it is always accompanied by negative feelings about one’s self-worth. It will leave you feeling spurned. Putting yourself out there and getting rejected doesn’t just affect your confidence but may make you resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as self-harm, substance abuse, or isolating yourself from friends and family. 

That’s why it’s vital to learn how to deal with rejection the healthy way. Read on, as we lay down some tried and tested tips for coping with rejection, in consultation with psychologist Aakhansha Varghese (MSc Psychology), who specializes in different forms of relationship counseling – from dating to breakups, and premarital to abusive relationships, and counseling psychologist Kavita Panyam (Masters in Psychology and international affiliate with the American Psychological Association), who has been helping couples work through their relationship issues for over two decades.

What Is Romantic Rejection?

Romantic rejection is when one person expresses or implies disinterest in pursuing a romantic or intimate relationship with another. It may include breakups, unrequited love, being stood up on a date, rejection after sleeping with someone, or your feelings being downplayed. It can be subtle and happen over time, with someone not responding to texts or phasing out the relationship. Romantic rejection can also be instantaneous and sudden, as in the case of ghosting.

The nature of rejection may vary, but the emotional turmoil it brings in its wake remains the same and can be emotionally challenging for both parties. For the person being rejected, it may evoke feelings of sadness, inadequacy, or heartbreak. For the person rejecting, it may involve guilt or discomfort, especially if they care about the other’s feelings.

While there is no denying that being rejected by someone you love or have deep feelings for is hard, it is possible to recover from this setback and move on in life. That requires a mature handling of the situation. If you find yourself at the receiving end of rejection, you must prioritize self-care, work on maintaining your self-worth, learn to process emotions healthily, and recognize that if feelings aren’t mutual, a “no” today can save you a world of heartbreak down the line. 

Signs of romantic rejection

Being rejected by someone you love can be hard to come to terms with, so much so that you may completely overlook the red flags staring you in the face or be in denial that the person you care so deeply about doesn’t feel the same way about you. To make sure you don’t end up being blind-sided or denying the inevitable reality, we’ve rounded up some signs of romantic rejection:

• They will ghost you: Aakhansha says, “A not-so-subtle sign of rejection is ghosting, where a romantic interest or partner completely ices you out. They will block you from everywhere. This could happen right after the first date or after a few dates.” When people ghost you, they aren’t just disregarding your feelings but also disrespecting you
• They will phase out communication: Instead of cutting ties all of a sudden, the person rejecting you may slowly take a step back. They will stop making plans with you and won’t respond if you ask them out on a date. This is also known as caspering or soft ghosting, and the end goal is to phase out the relationship
• They will be hesitant to commit to you: Aakhansha says, “Sometimes, people might reject you because they aren’t serious about the relationship.” In this case, a reluctance to commit or take the next logical step in the relationship could be an indicator of rejection 
• You will end up doing all the work in the relationship: If you have been dating this person for a long time but you feel like you’re the only one giving your all, it could be their way of letting you know they’re not interested in you. They will slowly cut ties with you by participating less in the relationship, leading to a one-sided relationship
• They would rather spend time with their friends than with you: They will consciously choose to avoid you and not spend time with you. Instead of directly telling you that they don’t want to be involved with you, they will keep you hanging. This may leave you feeling spurned
• They will start showing you they don’t care: Yes, disregarding someone’s feelings is cruel. But, at times, when nothing works, some people tend to send the message the hard way, by being rude and showing you they don’t care. They may block you everywhere, pick fights, or try to demean you whenever you talk to them

Related Reading: 5 Signs He Is Ignoring You For Someone Else

Stages of rejection 

As we’ve said, coping with rejection is not easy. It can bring up a lot of unpleasant emotions. Whether you’ve been rejected by a romantic interest or someone you had been dating, you may find yourself struggling with a sense of loss and grieving what could have been. It’s common for people to go through the stages of grief, as outlined by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, as they grapple with the brutal reality of being rejected by someone they loved or cared about. These stages include: 

• Denial – You are numb, in shock, and want to shut down
• Anger – You are frustrated, embarrassed, and feeling out of control 
• Bargaining – Overthinking, longing for the partner/love interest, and looking for ways to win your ex back  
• Depression – Uncontrollable sobbing and increased alcohol consumption
• Acceptance – You finally learn to adapt and cope with the situation 

These stages of dealing with rejection will make you go through so many emotions, negative thoughts, and negative self-talk. Always know that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. You will reach the acceptance stage steadily and at your own pace. 

What does romantic rejection do to a person?

Yes, rejection is a part of life. But that fact doesn’t make the psychological effects of romantic rejection any less brutal. A study on similarities between physical pain and social rejection found that when people who had recently experienced an unwanted breakup were shown photos of their ex-partners, the same regions of the brain that light up when one experiences physical pain lit up. That’s why rejection hurts, quite literally. Here is how rejection from someone you love or have romantic feelings for impacts your mental health and emotional well-being:  

• You may lose your peace of mind: The pain of rejection can become unbearable, making it hard for you to focus on anything other than what, why, and how of it all. You may end up obsessing about the experience day in and day out, and the experience may disrupt your schedule or sleep patterns 
• You may feel worthless: Rejection in love may leave you feeling worthless and incompetent, or that you were not good enough for your partner. It may fuel your self-doubt and affect your self-worth
• You may feel used: Rejection, especially rejection after sleeping with someone, may make you feel used for sex. You may feel you have been taken advantage of
• You may give up on love: Repeated rejection may cause a person to stop trusting romantic partners or even prevent them from getting into new relationships. It may cause a person to stop showing any emotional reaction and go numb

And how long does it take to get over rejection? Well, it may take anywhere from a few days to a few years, depending on the nature of the rejection and the depth of the bond you shared with the person but healing is possible.

Related Reading: The Difficulty Of Moving On Without Closure

Why Does Romantic Rejection Hurt So Much?

According to Stanford research, people differ in whether and how they link to themselves. People with a fixed mindset about their personality—those who believe that their personality is simply fixed and unchangeable—allow the impact of rejection to linger longer in their lives. These people are more likely to struggle with recovery and carry rejection with them into the future.

Kavita says, “Rejection stings everyone the same way. However, different people deal with it differently, which is determined by their attachment style. Those with secure attachment can let go of people who don’t want them and move on. But, for people with an insecure attachment style, moving on isn’t easy. They want people to stick around and take their leaving as a reflection of their unworthiness, which reinforces the insecurities they’re already grappling with.” 

Romantic rejection can be a major blow to one’s self-esteem and personal identity. That’s one of the reasons why rejection hurts. There are so many good times shared with this person, the memories of which can be hard to shake off. The sudden absence of this special someone can cause the serotonin levels to drop, which can even trigger a Major Depressive Episode because your vision of a future with a romantic partner has been shattered. 

Related Reading: 19 Signs He Likes You But Is Afraid Of Rejection

15 Expert-Backed Tips On How To Deal With Rejection 

Now, let’s talk about how to handle rejection in a healthy and mature way. Though easier said than done, moving on from rejection in love is necessary—and possible. Healing may not always be quick or linear but it does happen. If that seems unlikely from your current vantage point or you find yourself unable to figure out how to deal with rejection, these 15 expert-backed tips can help you recover and move on: 

1. Acknowledge your feelings

Dealing with rejection is bound to stir up an emotional hurricane. If you want to learn how to accept rejection, you need to first learn to sit with these feelings and experience their full extent without trying to distract or numb yourself. Remember, it is okay to feel embarrassed, low, depressed, and disappointed. 

Kavita says, “It is all part of the grieving process. The most important thing here is to not dismiss your feelings even though you feel like you won’t be able to endure them. Experiencing pain is not a sign of weakness. You have to face and deal with love rejection and come out as a winner. It is important to remember that the emotions you are feeling are valid no matter how horrid they may make you feel. It is understandable to want to chase after your love interest, pine for them, and mope around for a while.”

2. Don’t blame yourself 

On how to handle rejection without letting it take a toll on you, Aakhansha says, “One of the best ways of dealing with romantic rejection from a girl or a guy is by not indulging in self-hate or self-blame. Many people think that rejecting someone romantically is the same as rejecting a person altogether. They fail to comprehend that the other person may have turned them down due to reasons that have nothing to do with their potential as a partner.” You need to accept that not every romantic relationship survives the test of time. Some crash and burn. 

Related Reading: Being Married To An Emotionally Distant Spouse

3. Don’t associate your worth with the rejection 

When someone doesn’t reciprocate your feelings or rejects your romantic advances, your self-worth may take a hit. You may begin to lose confidence in your appearance, mannerisms, behavior, or financial worth. In such cases, your inner dialogue may be something like this:

• “They would have loved me back if I were taller/curvier/just more beautiful.” — Your physical appearance has nothing to do with this rejection. The more you hate your body, the more trapped you will feel
• “There is something wrong with me. That’s why I am so unlovable.” — You are loved. If you keep living with this mindset, you will create more problems for yourself. This self-hatred will ruin your future relationships as well
• “I am not good enough to be loved.” — Aakhansha says that childhood trauma is one of the reasons that we have so many insecurities within us. Once we reclaim our self-worth, all such insecurities vanish

4. Don’t insult a person for rejecting you

One of the secrets to overcoming rejection and all the negativity that comes with it is to be neutral toward the person who rejected you. Remember, they hold only as much sway and power over you as you allow them to. If you badmouth or insult them or lash out in some way, you not only prolong their grip on your headspace but also project yourself as an insecure person.  

Aakhansha says, “Yes, insecure men and women tend to criticize and insult other people to make themselves feel better.” But, remember, the person who rejected you owes you nothing. Yes, you may feel bitter when someone downplays your feelings. However, the only way you can grow emotionally is to be dignified about this rejection. 

Related Reading: What To Expect When You Love A Man With Low Self-Esteem

5. Accept that it will hurt for a while 

Know that it will hurt. Take time to self-reflect. You poured your heart out to someone. You imagined a life with them, however, your fairy tale came to an abrupt end because they didn’t love you back or because of some other unavoidable reason. So, a big part of your life is now gone, and you are bound to get hurt. 

Yes, the healing process is long but necessary. It will sting. It will burn your heart. And it will make you question the purpose of love. But you have to deal with it. Accept that it will hurt for some time. 

6. Give yourself time to grieve

Coping with rejection is not very different from the stage of grief one goes through after a breakup. Allow yourself the time you need to go through these feelings. It is okay if coping with rejection is hard for you, it’s also okay that you cry yourself to sleep some nights, or that you want to stay curled up in your bed all day. An important step in overcoming rejection and the pain that comes with it is to experience your emotions fully. Get them out of your body, your heart, your soul.

Kavita suggests, “After about 3 weeks, you will start feeling a little bit better. You will start waking up and taking more interest in day-to-day activities. You will feel inclined to see whether you’re having tea or coffee and pay more attention to your life compared to those initial days of being rejected by someone you love.”

7. Be kind to yourself

Rejection hurts and it can sure be a bitter pill to swallow. Don’t judge yourself for the way you deal with it. Don’t beat yourself up when someone’s search for the right partner does not end with you. Instead, be kind to yourself and treat yourself with compassion and empathy. Talk to yourself like you would to a friend who’s nursing a broken heart. 

8. Avoid negative or self-destructive behavior 

One of the worst parts of coping with rejection is letting negative emotions overwhelm you and indulging in self-destructive behavior to mask the pain. This can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as:

• Excessive drinking
• Substance abuse
• Becoming a serial dater 
• Hooking up with a new person every night
• Gambling or excessive spending
• Self-harm, such as indulging in suicidal thoughts or physically harming oneself

Aakhansha advises, “In such cases, it’s important to deviate your mind from negativities. You can cry it out if you want, write down your thoughts in your journal, have sleepovers with friends, or watch sappy romcoms. You need to find healthy ways of coping with rejection, instead of getting addicted to unhealthy coping skills.”

9. Practice self-care 

Caring for yourself and tending to your needs should become your top priority while dealing with rejection. You learn to know how to love yourself and prioritize self-care now more than ever. Here’s how: 

• Stay active. Avoid sitting in the room and binge-watching shows. Go for a walk and spend time with nature
• Get enough sleep, at least 7 hours each day
• Eat healthy but avoid emotional eating or starving yourself
• Get back to your old hobbies or learn a new skill, be it painting, journaling, collecting stamps, reading, or knitting. Start doing whatever makes you happy 
• Try to stay away from social media. The more you look at happy couples posing online, the more you will feel alone
• Stop stalking your ex or their new partner online. Being connected with someone who doesn’t care about your feelings will only bring you more pain

Related Reading: 12 Ways To Find Happiness After Breakup And Heal Completely

10. Lean on your support system

Whether you’re wondering how to deal with rejection from a crush or someone you were romantically involved with, know that your inner circle of people—friends and family—can be your biggest support system at this time. 

The best way of getting over rejection is to spend time with people who will make you see your self-worth. Besides, venting to people who love and care about you can lighten the emotional burden you’ve been carrying and help you let go of the hurt and resentment. Your loved ones may also be able to offer you a fresh perspective on the situation, which might make accepting rejection easier. 

11. Distract yourself 

Distraction works not only for kids but for adults as well. Kavita advises, “Open yourself up to pleasant experiences. Indulge in activities that bring you joy, celebrate important milestones, focus on your friends and family, and count your blessings. The healing process is gradual. 

To get through it, all you have to do is think about the present experiences and link them to the negative experience so that each time you feel low, the positive experience will water down the negative emotions.” Here are some ways to keep yourself productively distracted as you cope with the pain of rejection: 

• Help someone in need
• Do volunteer work
• Join a fitness or hobby class 
• Read a book 
• Try journaling 

12. Avoid rebounds 

Aakhansha says, “So many people find themselves wondering, “Why does rejection hurt so much?”, because they don’t know how to process their feelings in a healthy way. To numb the pain or seek validation of their self-worth, they jump back on the dating scene immediately after being dumped. When, in fact, they need to take a break and focus on healing.”

How soon you can be back on the dating scene after being rejected depends on how well you’re coping with the situation. The timeline varies from person to person but a good rule of thumb is to never be with someone just to forget another person. Once you’re confident that you’re no longer wallowing or longing for the person who rejected you, you’re ready to start dating again. 

Related Reading: 5 Causes, 13 Signs Of One-Sided Relationships And What To Do About Them

13. Don’t beg them to love you back 

One of the most important tips on how to deal with rejection from a crush or a former partner is to never go back or try to bring them back into your life. When someone downplays your feelings, trying to change their mind is an exercise in futility. Even if you have had a pure soul connection in the past, persuading them to go back to those good old days won’t bring those moments back or change their mind. They may have evolved and may not feel the same way about you anymore.

Aakhansha says, “You love them, adore them, and can’t stand to imagine a life without them. You feel rejected. But nobody should ever beg to be loved even if the love was true. Remember, they didn’t love you enough to fix things or go ahead with the relationship. So, what’s the point of begging for love?” 

14. Meet new people 

One way of coping with rejection is to meet new people. And this doesn’t mean you should hook up with whoever is available or start swiping on dating apps right away. Meet like-minded people, indulge in hobbies and activities, and focus on ways to get over your breakup in a positive manner. Here are some tips on how you can do that:

• Go on a solo trip and socialize at hostel dorms
• Go for a meditation retreat and meet like-minded people there
• Attend events with friends and meet their friends
• Build your network and a support system

15. Use rejection as an opportunity to grow

Yes, you may be feeling spurned temporarily, but instead of wasting precious moments sulking about it, or wallowing in self-pity, as you wonder, “Why does rejection hurt so much?”, use this as an opportunity to learn and grow. This will help you move forward with a renewed self-worth and clarity on what you seek in a romantic partnership. 

Kavita says, “The best way to handle rejection from a girl or a boy is to learn from the experience. If someone rejected you because you appeared too clingy, make it a point to learn from it and ditch the habit of suffocating your partner. Rejection can be a good teacher, as it gives one an opportunity to become a better person and move forward in life with greater confidence and wisdom.”

Final Thoughts

Putting yourself out there and getting rejected hurts. It’s perfectly okay to feel dejected and grieve the loss. But, by dwelling on it for a long time, you only end up putting your life on hold, all for a person who doesn’t even realize your worth. So, grieve, cry, wallow, but then, dust off yourself, and move forward. Remember, relationships may come and go, but you are your only constant. You can’t afford to lose yourself. 

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