A lot is said about the reasons to be with someone—feelings, emotions, a shared vision of a future together. But what about knowing when to end a relationship and walk away? Breaking up with someone you love or were once in love with is never easy. The weight of all those hopes and dreams, all those promises, all those feelings makes you want to cling on.
Often, people stay in troubled or dead-end relationships long beyond what they should have because they’re unsure whether their reasons to end a relationship are substantial enough. Or simply because they hang on to the hope that if they try just a little harder, show just a little more love, make just a little more effort, things would improve and they’d have the connection they once did—or have always hoped for.
However, that hope doesn’t always necessarily manifest into reality. But how do you know when to stop trying and act on that underlying desire to call it quits and move on? Let’s help you figure this out, with insights from psychotherapist Gopa Khan (Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), who specializes in marriage and family counseling.
When To End A Relationship—18 Completely Valid Scenarios
Table of Contents
Have you been asking yourself, “Should I break up with my partner?”, but haven’t been able to make up your mind. Maybe because a part of you still believes that if you keep trying, the issues that are making you reconsider being in the relationship will be addressed and things will work out. Or maybe the idea of calling it quits and starting over seems too daunting, and you’ve been dragging your heels, putting off the inevitable.
Either way, the fact that you’ve been thinking of breaking up with someone you love—or were once in love with—suggests that there are some red flags in the relationship. Turning a blind eye won’t make them disappear. If despite your best efforts, you haven’t been able to work through your issues, it’s a clear indicator that it may be time to end the relationship and move on. Here are 20 such scenarios where ending a relationship is the better alternative to staying and trying to make things work:
1. The relationship is abusive
Be it physical, emotional, or verbal, abuse is not something you can overlook. The first hint of abuse should be reason enough for you to pull the plug on a relationship, no matter how emotionally invested you are, and move on. The trouble with abusive relationships, however, is that abusers often express remorse for their actions and make promises of changing their ways. That is what keeps victims trapped in such relationships.
Unless your partner follows up these promises with real, tangible work to change their patterns, there is no reason why you should give them another chance. It is also possible that their abusive nature comes from a traumatic past, owing to which you might be tempted to forgive them or even feel sympathy for them.
However, the inconsistency in behavior, the verbal lashings, and the fear of relationship arguments getting physical can wreak havoc on your mind. If you do not stand up for yourself, it can be incredibly damaging to your psyche. Gopa agrees that abuse is one of the most. She says, “Most people end up waiting for years for their spouse to change, only to finally realize that the change will never happen.”
Related Reading: 15 Subtle Yet Strong Signs Your Marriage Will End In Divorce
2. They have betrayed your trust
A breach of trust is one of the most common reasons why relationships fail, and if that’s when you’re dealing, you’re not wrong in wondering, “Should I break up with my partner?” Cheating, lies, secrecy, or betrayal in any other form erodes the very foundation of a relationship, making it hard for partners to reconcile.
You may not be able to forgive your partner, and in the absence of genuine heartfelt forgiveness, the relationship will remain rife with resentment and bitterness. It’s better to walk away and start anew rather than stay in a relationship that has turned toxic because of trust issues and resentment.
Gopa says, “If the erring partner is genuinely remorseful, then things can get better over time and with the right kind of support and help. But if the betrayal continues, then the person being betrayed needs to understand that the relationship they are trying to ‘rescue’ does not exist in the first place.”
3. They refuse to change
Does your otherwise perfect partner have a bad habit you can’t condone? Say, drinking, smoking, excessive gambling, drug addiction, bad financial decisions, and so on? Because things such as these can drive a huge wedge between you two. The problem can snowball eventually if, despite your best efforts, they refuse to change.
Sander, a young entrepreneur from New York, says, “I have lived in the “Should I end the relationship?” dilemma for a long time before I broke my 5-year relationship with Amy. Her shopaholism and massive credit card debt were putting a lot of stress on both of us. And there was no sign of her making any effort to get better. But because of her history of self-harm, I couldn’t leave right away even though I had enough reasons to.”
Gopa advises, “In case of addiction or mental health issues, deciding if and when to end a relationship can be extremely challenging for a person, especially if they’ve taken on the role of a caregiver. It’s only when they realize that they cannot ‘rescue’ someone unless they wish to change for the better that they may be able to prioritize self-preservation over the relationship.”
Related Reading: 9 Signs You Are In A Dead-End Relationship
4. You are holding each other back
Sometimes, relationships end not because of a lack of love or commitment toward one another but simply because being with your partner is holding you back from becoming the version of yourself that you aspire to be. While it may seem self-centered, it’s without a doubt among the valid reasons to break up with someone you still love.
Do you have some dreams you want to fulfill? Are you sacrificing your aspirations to stay with your partner? Perhaps you got a great opportunity in New York which you had to refuse because your partner doesn’t want to move out of LA. If you can’t find a middle ground where you can stay together and not give up on your ambitions, it might lead to resentment in the relationship. In such circumstances, it’s best to end a relationship without further hurting each other.
“It might be difficult to end a relationship when you love your partner. However, if you both want different things in life, the relationship won’t be easy to sustain in the long run. “We have made a commitment to each other” or “We still have feelings” aren’t good enough reasons to be in a relationship if it’s sabotaging your growth as an individual,” says Gopa.
5. You are constantly fighting
When you are looking for convincing reasons not to stay in a relationship, being caught in an endless cycle of fights definitely counts. While every relationship sees its share of conflict, if fights and arguments are all that a partnership has been reduced to, it points to a relationship falling apart.
When your everyday conversations turn into slanging matches, they can take a toll on your mental health and your relationship. Gopa says, “Such relationships are emotionally, mentally, and physically draining, and impact every aspect of both partner’s lives. It is like living in a war zone, where you’re constantly on edge and walking on eggshells, fearing that the slightest trigger would set into motion another cycle of bickering, yelling, and arguing.”
6. Your needs are not being met
Unmet needs are among the most valid reasons to break up with a partner. When your partner does not give enough importance to your needs or wants, you begin to start feeling invalidated. This can, over time, not only eclipse the love you feel for them but the constant rejections and dismissal from your partner also chip away at your self-esteem.
“If the relationship is not fulfilling and even your most basic emotional needs are not being met, then staying on only means signing up for unhappiness and discontentment,” says Gopa. Remember, you have the right to pull the plug on the relationship that makes you feel incomplete, lonely, or disrespected.
Related Reading: 13 Signs Of A Controlling Woman To Watch Out For
7. You have drifted apart
You don’t ask your partner how their day was. You can go days without calling or texting them and you don’t even miss the communication. Perhaps you don’t feel emotionally or physically connected to them. There is a scarcity of affectionate, non-sensual touches like a warm hug or holding their hands, let alone intimate sexual moments. You may love your partner but you are not ‘in’ love with them. And one fine day you realize that you are leading two separate lives that may run parallel but seldom intersect.
In other words, you’ve drifted apart. In a situation like this, if you’re constantly wondering, “Should I break up with my partner?”, follow up on that thought. Because when you can barely be with or talk to your partner, it is one of the signs your relationship is failing. While it is difficult to maintain the same passion that you had when you started out, a relationship is dead when indifference creeps in and that is a good enough reason to end a relationship.
8. You’ve grown tired of your relationship
So many people continue staying in a relationship because they don’t want to let the time and energy that they have invested in it go to waste. At the same time, the idea of putting in the effort and work to fix the issues plaguing the connection—be it a loss of romantic spark, or complacency and boredom in the relationship—seems exhausting. Probably because you’ve made an effort to improve your relationship but to no avail.
And so, you just settle for “it is what it is.” But what is the point of being with someone when you no longer enjoy your time together, have awkward conversations and forced interactions? If the idea of being with your partner doesn’t excite you anymore, if you’d much rather do anything else than be alone with them, if you can’t remember the last time you experienced joy and laughter with your significant other, that’s when you should end a relationship.
9. Your partner has stopped making an effort for you
If you have been putting in all the effort in the relationship while your partner fails to show up and do their bit, you may find yourself in an emotionally draining situation where on the one hand, you keep hoping against hope for things to get better, and at the same time wondering if and when to end a relationship.
It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that the person you love doesn’t love you back the way you need them to, but that happens more often than you think. When it does, you need to make some tough decisions for the sake of your emotional well-being.
A one-sided relationship cannot be sustained for long, and even if you do give it your all to make things work, it’d be at the cost of suffering constant heartbreak and pain. Despite enduring all that emotional trauma you still wouldn’t be content because your partner will fail to meet your needs and expectations. It’s best to put yourself out of this misery as soon as possible because you deserve to be with someone who is deeply in love with you, listens to you, wants you in their life, and values you for who you are.
10. You’re not sexually compatible
Lack of sexual compatibility can put a huge strain on a couple’s relationship. While it’s natural for sexual desire to simmer down after you’ve been with someone for a considerable time, a complete mismatch of sexual needs can make a relationship insufferable.
If your partner is inattentive to your needs, cares only about their pleasure, or guilt-trips you into consenting to sex when you don’t want to, it doesn’t make for an equal relationship and could even be quite a dangerous position to be in.It also denotes a certain amount of selfishness. Even if other aspects of your relationship seem to be well-balanced, lack of sexual gratification can lead to resentment, bitterness, and contempt—which can take a toll on even the strongest of relationships.
Related Reading: Sexual Compatibility – Meaning, Importance And Signs
11. You have insurmountable cultural, racial, or religious differences
Ideally, love is supposed to transcend race, religion, or cultural differences but if a couple does not have the maturity to reconcile with their inherent disparities, problems can arise. Gopa explains, “Things that seemed great or cute in the early stages of the relationship may later become a major bone of contention among the couple. Daily differences that cannot be resolved through communication or dialogue can lead to volatile arguments and trigger irreconcilable differences. Often couples in interfaith, interracial, or intercultural marriages find it tough to adjust especially if they are rigid about their faith and traditions.”
Similarly, habits and lifestyles dictated by religion can be difficult to change and any attempts by a partner to convert their better half to their way of life can lead to strife, especially if not done voluntarily. If your identity, faith, and way of life are being questioned by your partner, it may lead to your relationship falling apart.
12. You fantasize about someone else
It’s perfectly natural to have fleeting crushes or momentarily feel attracted to someone else while in a relationship. However, fleeting and momentarily are the operative words here. If you find yourself building dreams and fantasies around, not your partner, but someone else, it’s a surefire sign of trouble.
“In a way, this is a form of emotional cheating in a marriage. I dealt with a case where the man would be on late-night calls with unknown women, watch porn, and share his ‘fantasies’ with his partner, which led to extreme insecurity within her. The woman felt inadequate and unable to trust or respect her spouse. Inability to deal with a marriage maturely can lead to frustration and heartbreak and is definitely one of the reasons to end love,” says Gopa.
Related Reading: Secure Relationships – What Are They And What Do They Look Like?
13. You no longer feel emotionally safe
When your relationship lacks emotional safety, you can no longer express your feelings without fear of being judged, dismissed, or ridiculed. As a result, you start clamming up, which, in turn, erodes vulnerability and intimacy in the relationship. The end result? You and your partner become emotionally distant and withdrawn, you feel lonely despite being in a relationship, and slowly, begin to resent each other.
“A lack of emotional safety can turn partners into strangers. If your partner shuts down emotionally or dismisses your feelings, you may begin to feel more and more out of sync with them. Soon, you may not even be sure how you feel about them,” says Gopa. If you’ve ever wondered, “What does falling out of love feel like?”, this is it. If that’s what you’ve been experiencing, it’s time to stop wondering when to leave a relationship and start working on how.
14. Your life goals don’t align
You want the hustle lifestyle but your partner prefers a more laid-back life. You want to be child-free by choice but your partner has always dreamt of having a big family. You’re a recovering addict but your partner insists on drinking every weekend. Such divergent life goals can put the longevity of your relationship in question.
Whether it’s career goals, lifestyle preferences, or the desire to have children, mismatched goals can become a source of constant conflict in a relationship, and finding a way to stay together means signing up for long-term dissatisfaction. “Partners grow apart when their life goals diverge. In the absence of a shared vision for key aspects such as family, career, or lifestyle, a relationship can become directionless,” says Gopa.
15. There’s constant negativity or criticism
Criticism is one of the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse in a relationship, according to renowned psychologist and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman. If your partner constantly criticizes you or fixates on your flaws without paying any attention to what you bring to the relationship, it can make you feel unvalued.
This chronic negativity erodes self-esteem and paves the way for a hostile environment, rife with defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (the other three horsemen). How long can you go down this path before the whole thing unravels completely? Not too long. So, if that’s where you find yourself, it may be wise to cut your losses and move on.
16. You’ve become emotionally or physically distant
It is not unusual for couples, especially in long-term relationships, to go through spells of emotional or physical distance. However, when this distance becomes a permanent feature in your relationship and not just a passing phase, it’s one of the signs your relationship is failing. Both physical and emotional intimacy are essential to sustain and nurture the connection between two partners.
Acts of physical intimacy such as hugging, kissing, and holding hands convey affection and make people feel loved and desired. Likewise, emotional intimacy paves the way for vulnerability and trust. In the absence of affection and intimacy, you may find yourself worrying, “I feel like my relationship is falling apart.” And you’re not wrong. The question is can you and your partner find a way to bridge this distance, or would you be better off parting ways?
Related Reading: Importance of Respect In A Relationship
17. There’s a lack of mutual respect
Respect is one of the most underrated cornerstones of any healthy relationship. While love is considered the glue that binds two people together, it is, in fact, respect that sustains long-term togetherness. “Love cannot sustain for too long in the absence of mutual respect, and a relationship without respect is doomed to failure,” says Gopa.
If your partner is disrespectful toward you—whether through dismissive comments, controlling behavior or disregard for boundaries—everyday interactions can erode trust and love over time. With respect, love, and trust gone, what’s left really? Is there even a point to wondering when to end a relationship in such a scenario?
18. You feel relieved at the idea of breaking up
If you’ve been wondering if and when to end a relationship, take a moment to imagine what it’d feel like to go through with it. Do you experience a sense of relief wash you over or does the idea of letting your partner go leave you with a knot in your stomach? If it’s the former, there is only one thing left to do—go ahead and pull the plug.
When the thought of ending things brings more peace than sadness, the relationship has run its course. “Staying in a relationship out of habit or fear of being alone can be emotionally draining,” says Gopa. If that’s why you’ve been putting off breaking up with your partner, gather the courage and rip off the bandaid already. There is no point in flogging a dead horse.
Ending A Relationship – The Right Way To Do It
No matter how strong your reasons for breaking up with your partner, ending a relationship is never a pleasant experience. There is bound to be hurt, pain, and anger on both sides. The longer you’ve been together, the harder it can be to have “the talk”. However, it’s important to handle this conversation with sensitivity and maturity, so that you don’t end up exacerbating the feelings of hurt and pain on either side. To that end, here are a few things to bear in mind:
- First of all, never end a relationship over a text message unless the relationship was abusive and you fear for your safety or your partner was so dreadful that you feel you don’t owe them an explanation
- Be honest with your reasons to end the relationship and give them clarity about what went wrong. It’s a basic courtesy to offer proper closure when you are the one who chose to walk out
- At the same time, steer clear of the blame-shifting and be a little empathetic to their state of mind as well.
- Being friends with an ex often doesn’t agree with many of us. So, before you leave, discuss a clear set of boundaries for future communication
FAQs
1. What to say to end a relationship?
You have to be honest about why you want to walk out of a relationship. Because any lies or mistakes might just cause more pain and hurt. Make the conversation as positive as possible, apologize for any hurt you may have caused them, and steer clear of accusations and placing blame on your soon-to-be-ex partner.
2. What are some bad reasons to end a relationship?
Cheating, infidelity, lying, refusing to change, and being inattentive to your partner’s needs when they turn to you for support are good reasons to end a relationship. A couple of arguments, a misunderstanding, a genuine mistake, a partner not keeping well, a partner’s natural change in appearance as they age – all of these are bad reasons to end a relationship.
3. How to end a relationship on good terms?
It is never easy to walk out of a relationship but you can end it on good terms by slowly weaning yourself away from the relationship. Take your time and slowly ensure that your partner knows you are unhappy with it. Honest chats or seeking the help of a counselor also can make a difference.
4. When is it right to compromise in a relationship?
If either of the partners has made a genuine mistake and they are willing to rectify it, take responsibility for it, and do everything they can to avoid it, it makes sense to compromise in a relationship and give it another chance.
Key Pointers
- Don’t think twice before ending an abusive relationship
- Infidelity is one of the major factors that can break up a couple
- Your emotional/intellectual/physical needs not being met is a good enough reason to end a relationship
- If you and your partner are in constant fights or holding each other from exploring your highest potential, break up
- Walk out if you don’t feel connected to them or the relationship is not fun anymore
- Glaring cultural, racial, or religious differences are justifiable reasons to leave your partner
Final Thoughts
While adjustments and compromises are essential for a long-lasting relationship, never negate your feelings. Your feelings are valid and so are your needs. If your needs are not being met, you’re consistently unhappy, you feel isolated and alone, or don’t like the person you’re becoming because of your relationship, you’ve every right to put yourself first and walk away, no matter how long you’ve been together. Remember, you only live once, and you shouldn’t let a relationship hold you back from living your best life.
Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.
