Ah, those early days of dating! You’ve met someone new, your life is suddenly abuzz with excitement. The texting, the talking, the dates, and all those warm fuzzy feelings. Makes for quite a heady rush, doesn’t it? But at the same time there is trepidation about messing it all up. What if you do or say something to push away the person you’re enjoying getting to know and perhaps catching feelings for? These apprehensions can become even more acute when you’ve crashed and burned on the dating scene more than once. 

While each relationship has its own dynamics and how things progress ultimately boils down to the people involved and how skillfully they navigate things, sticking to certain basic tenets can help you lay the foundation of a solid connection right from the beginning. In fact, it can be as simple as being mindful of 9 things to never do in the first month of dating. Let’s take a look at what they are and also talk about early dating red flags as well as tips to maneuver a budding romantic connection.     

9 Things To Never Do In The First Month Of Dating

Carla, 29, a data specialist from Fermont, has been having a bit of a rough go at dating ever since she re-entered the scene after her partner of four years broke up with her. In her email to Bonobology, she wrote, “Dating sucks. I have been on four different apps, and connected with a ton of men over the past year. We text, we talk, we meet, go on a few dates, and then after one month of dating or so, I’m back at square one. They lose interest. Some are nice enough to let me know that they’re not interested, others simply ghost. 

“I’m not getting younger and not being able to find a meaningful connection despite trying so hard is really taking a toll on my emotional health and self-esteem. What am I doing wrong in dating and how do I break this cycle of short-lived connections that just fizzle out?” Having read countless similar queries over the years, I knew that Carla’s experience isn’t hers alone. So many people get trapped in this frustrating cycle of meaningless connections that lead nowhere and end up with dating fatigue. 

Related Reading: 17 Unwritten Rules Of Dating We All Should Follow

Instead of directing her query to our panel of mental health experts, I decided to learn more about Carla’s approach to dating so that we could offer more tailored advice. Through our interactions, I learned that she was not only still hung up on her ex but was dating out of desperation triggered by a ticking biological clock. This made her come across as someone who was confused—not ready for a relationship yet too eager to be in one. Therein lay the problem. In fact, our interactions gave me a blueprint of 9 things to never do in the first month of dating lest you ruin your chances:     

1. Don’t overshare about your past

The ex factor can mess things up in more ways than one when you’re dating someone new. As this Reddit user shares, “Went on a few dates with a girl and her ex was all she would talk about a good 40% of the time. Finally, told her that I really wanted to hear about her, and not him. She got pretty quiet and said she didn’t know what to say. Idk, it weirded me out, seemed like a red flag for dependence, I noped out.”

This is exactly what Carla would also end up doing inadvertently. Since her ex was on her mind a lot because she was not over him, he’d inevitably find a way into her conversations as well. That seemed to have cost her. While it’s okay to offer an overview of your dating experiences if the topic comes up, talking too much about an ex can send out the impression that you’re not over them. 

Dr. Carla Manly, a clinical psychologist, says, “Early dating is about building a connection in the present, not bringing the baggage of the past into a new relationship.” So maybe talk about your interest in music or your goals and aspirations, and perhaps, veer into conversations about friends and siblings after the first few dates but leave your ex out until you get to that stage in the relationship where a conversation about the past is warranted.   

Related Reading: 8 Signs You Are Rushing Into A Relationship And 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t

2. Don’t rush into the relationship

Rushing to define the relationship or putting labels within one month of dating can put unnecessary pressure on both of you under which a budding connection can crumble. Speaking of things not to do in a relationship early on, a Reddit user says, “Moving too fast. I am not talking about intimacy, that’s different. I am talking about moving too fast emotionally—like going from 1st date to moving in together at warp speed. It’s okay to have 1 date per week for a few weeks. It’s okay to be a couple and live in separate spaces. 

“It’s okay to be a couple and not spend every night at his/her house. They call it the 7 month itch for a reason. And I think it’s why I hear more disastrous break up stories than I did even 15 years ago. They just moved too fast, consumed by emotions in a fast paced world and didn’t get to know each other in the beginning. Bam! 6-7 months come around and they realize they are incompatible. But they have all the feelings and emotional baggage of a 2 year relationship.” Another user echoes the same sentiment, says:

Remember, early dating is about exploration, not commitment. Let things evolve naturally. Instead of fretting about, “Where is this going?” or asking, “Are we exclusive?”, after the second date, focus on whether you enjoy spending time together and take it from there.

3. Don’t neglect your own life

When you’re caught in the thick of a whirlwind of feelings, hopelessly infatuated by someone and soaking up the honeymoon phase, it can be tempting to make them the center of your world. It’s easy to drop everything to spend time with your new romantic interest but this can be unhealthy in the long run. This Reddit post sums it up pretty well:

Relationship coach Maria Sullivan echoes the same sentiment, and says, “Staying true to your individuality makes you a better partner.” Losing touch with your hobbies, friends, or routine for the sake of the person you’re dating can make your life lop-sided and it makes you come across as overly dependent, which can be overwhelming for the person you’re dating. 

Don’t cancel those weekly yoga classes or boys’/girls’ night out to hang out with them. Take the space to pursue your interests and nurture other important relationships in your life. The dynamics you set at the beginning will define the tone of the rest of your relationship. If you drop everything to be with them in the beginning, it can be hard to make space for the things that are important to you later on. It can become a source of conflict between you two. 

Related Reading: Giving Too Much in a Relationship? How Much To Give of Yourself

4. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not

I couldn’t agree more with this Reddit user’s take on how to not mess up a relationship. While it is natural to put your best foot forward when you’re trying to win someone over, it’s not the same as betraying your authentic self just to get someone to like you. Exaggerating or fabricating things can lead to problems down the line.

For instance, don’t say, “I love hiking”, if you’re a homebody, just to impress the person you’re dating or make it seem like you have similar interests. What if they want to make a ritual of Sunday morning hikes and you’ve been a couch potato all your life who cannot walk a mile without gasping for air? That’s how conflicts and bickering take hold.  

5. Don’t be clingy

When you start dating someone new, it’s absolutely vital to respect their personal space as well as your own. Don’t bombard them with text messages and calls. Or insist on spending all your free time together. This can make you come across as clingy and feel suffocating to the other person. 

Besides, being too available in the early stages of dating can take away the mystery from the relationship whereas space helps build anticipation and curiosity. Dating expert Matthew Hussey advises, “Let communication feel natural, not forced or desperate.” 

Related Reading: 5 Tips To Introduce Your SO To Your Parents

6. Don’t integrate them into your inner circle too soon 

This Reddit user said it. Inviting a romantic partner into your inner circle is a big relationship milestone and crossing it prematurely can offset the course of the relationship. For instance, if you ask someone you’ve only been on four dates with to be your plus-one at your best friend’s wedding or invite them to a family dinner, it can make them feel as if you’re moving forward at a pace they’re not comfortable with. 

Even if your invitation is totally casual, they may misconstrue it as a sign that you’re getting too serious too soon. This can be overwhelming as well as put unnecessary pressure on them. To the extent that it can send them running scared, and leave you wondering, “What am I doing wrong in dating?”

7. Don’t play games

If you’re wondering how to not mess up a relationship, quit playing mind games. Let go of the idea that you need to act or behave a certain way to remain in control of the relationship trajectory, or that doing or saying something that you genuinely want to may make you come across as weak and lose power. 

Games like waiting three days to text back or feigning disinterest are outdated, and quite frankly, exhausting. You know how awful it feels when someone sends you all sorts of mixed signals just for the sake of some one-upmanship in the relationship. Then why do it to someone else? Instead, try to be as authentic as you can about your feelings, needs, and expectations. It helps build trust. 

As relationship therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab reminds us, “Healthy relationships thrive on clear communication.” If you’re interested in someone, say so! A simple, “I had a great time tonight—let’s do this again soon,” can do the trick.

Related Reading: Relationship Advice For Couples – 25 Ways To Strengthen Your Bond

8. Don’t talk about marriage or babies

This is one of the many things Carla was doing wrong in her dating journey. She’d start talking about her life plan of being married by 30, so she could have two kids before turning 35, right after the first or second date. To her mind, it was a way of putting all her cards on the table so that both she and the person she was dating were on the same page and no one ended up wasting the other’s time. However, to the guys she was dating, this felt intimidating and intense, and they’d back off. Why so? This Reddit user’s take on the issue puts a lot in perspective: 

When starting a new relationship, focus on building a connection with the other person and see where it leads you. Even if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, bringing up life-defining plans too soon is always a bad idea. Of course, you can convey your dating goals but do it subtly. For instance, instead of saying, “I want to have two kids by 35,” try saying, “I’m looking for something meaningful.” 

9. Don’t ignore red flags

Of the 9 things to never do in the first month of dating, not ignoring red flags is perhaps the most crucial. While you may be tempted to overlook certain behaviors because you’re smitten or you don’t want to dismiss a possible romantic connection too soon, it’s crucial to notice early warning signs because these can come back to haunt you. 

This Reddit user’s experience reiterates it. They say, “I noticed about a week into my last relationship a lot of red flags, and I should have just turned around then. For some reason, I felt inclined to stay. Luckily it didn’t last long (6 months) and we broke up on somewhat good terms, but I knew pretty much from the beginning there was no long term for us and I went with it anyway.”

Therapist Esther Perel advises, “Pay attention to how someone treats waitstaff, speaks about others, and reacts under stress.” If you spot red flags in these behaviors or there are other warning signs like they being dismissive of your boundaries or coming across as too emotionally unavailable, take your time to reflect on whether this is someone you want to invest in. After all, red flags don’t magically disappear. If anything, they often become more pronounced with time. 

Early Dating Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

While being mindful of what not to do in the early stages of dating, it’s also vital that you keep an eye out for any warning signs in the behavior and actions of the person you’re with that can be harbingers of trouble later on. Here are some glaring early dating red flags that you shouldn’t turn a blind eye to:

• Disrespectful behavior: Pay attention to how they treat others, especially service staff or strangers. Rudeness or a sense of entitlement could be a sign of deeper issues 
• Inconsistent communication: If they disappear for days without explanation or are inconsistent in their availability (spending all their time with you one day and being unavailable the next, without any explanation), it could mean that they’re not genuinely interested in your or are unreliable as a partner
• Excessive criticism or negativity: Someone who constantly complains or criticizes others may bring unnecessary negativity into your life
• Pushing boundaries: Disregarding your boundaries, pressuring you into things you’re not comfortable with, or straight up ignoring your “no” is a major red flag that suggests that they don’t value consent or lack respect for you
• Oversharing personal problems: While vulnerability is important, if the person you’re dating started revealing too much too soon—financial troubles, family drama, childhood trauma—it could mean that they don’t lack boundaries. This oversharing can be emotionally overwhelming for you
• Avoiding meaningful conversations: Keeping things light and breezy while dating someone new doesn’t mean dodging important conversations about values, goals, or intentions. If the person you’re with isn’t interested in deeper discussions, they might not be looking for the same level of connection you are
• Talking negatively about exes: Constantly bad-mouthing exes or blaming them suggests that they may have unresolved issues or tend to shirk accountability in relationships 
• Excessive jealousy: Asking for constant updates on your whereabouts or being suspicious of your interactions with others early on is a sign of insecurity and controlling tendencies
• Rushing the relationship: Pushing for exclusivity, meeting families, or making long-term plans within a few weeks or one month of dating is a classic love-bombing technique. This emotional intensity is not only overwhelming but will also inevitably fizzle out, leaving your feeling confused about their intentions
• Unreliable actions: Canceling plans last minute, being late without notice, or failing to follow through on promises shows that a person is not dependable

How To Ace The Early Stages Of Dating—7 Tips

Awareness about things not to do in a relationship, especially early on, and undesirable behavior you shouldn’t put up with can address half your dilemmas about how to navigate your dating journey successfully. To make this journey even more smooth-sailing, here are some simple, actionable early dating tips:  

1. Be your authentic self

To anyone wondering what to do in a new relationship, here is a simple piece of advice: be yourself. Don’t try to mold yourself into what you think your date wants. As dating coach Bela Gandhi says, “The right person will love the real you.”

When you’re your authentic self with the person you’re dating, there will be no unpleasant surprises  down the line for the person you’re with and you won’t get tired of keeping up appearances. Authenticity creates lasting relationships, allowing you to enjoy each other’s company just as much, whether you’ve been dating for a month, six months, a year, or longer.  

Related Reading: How To Keep A Relationship Exciting And Interesting For Long Term

2. Keep it light and fun

One of the most vital early dating tips I have for you is to keep the first few dates fun and light-hearted, rather than turning them into interrogative sessions or elaborate interviews. Look for activities where you can interact with each other in a stress-free environment and assess whether you enjoy each other’s company. 

Jen, a bartender from Heartford, shares, “My now-partner took me to a pottery class on our second date. He saw an ad on his Instagram feed and DM’ed it to me, asking me to join him. I was hesitant but went along with it. Neither of us knew a thing about pottery. It was messy, it was silly, we laughed so much. By the end of that date, we both knew this was a connection worth pursuing. We’ve been together for almost two years, and when I look back, that date is still one of our best memories. You see, shared fun and laughter brings people closer and creates stronger bonds. 

3. Ask thoughtful questions

Don’t just keep talking about yourself is dating 101. But it’s also equally important if not more, to show genuine interest in the life of the person you’re dating. Without making it seem like an interrogation, ask thoughtful questions to get to know them. When they share something with you, listen intently, ask follow-up questions if necessary, and show curiosity about them and their life. 

Therapist Esther Perel suggests, “Good questions unlock stories, which help you truly know a person.” Make the effort to ask questions that get conversations flowing. For instance, on a first date, instead of asking, “What does your work entail?”, try, “What part of your job do you enjoy the most?” Or on your fourth date, ask, “You mentioned your cousin was coming into town. How was it meeting them after so long? What did you do?” This demonstrates that you care enough to pay attention as well as remember the little things. 

4. Maintain a healthy balance of communication

Texting or calling too much when you’re just starting a new relationship with someone can make you come on too strong. On the other hand, being too lax in your effort to communicate can make it seem like you’re not interested. Maintaining a healthy balance is key. It keeps the excitement alive, doesn’t leave room for misunderstandings or doubts, and at the same time, doesn’t feel too overwhelming. 

Calling your romantic interest five minutes after your date ended or double texting them repeatedly can seem too much. Not texting them for three days after can seem too cold. However, a casual message like, “I had such a great time today. Good night XX”, hits the sweet spot. 

Related Reading: The 7 Types Of Boundaries In Relationships For A Stronger Bond

5. Set and respect boundaries

Clearly communicating what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not, and respecting the other person’s boundaries helps build trust and security in a relationship. If something makes you uncomfortable, don’t hold back from expressing it just because you don’t want to upset them. If they express their needs or limitations, don’t dismiss them or take offense. Instead, encourage open communication about these aspects of your personalities, so that you can build a relationship based on a true understanding of each other’s limits and expectations.  

6. Embrace vulnerability (in small doses)

Yes, the early days of dating are all about fun, laughter, and enjoying each other’s company. But they are also stepping stones to getting to know each other better. When you’ve been on a few dates, it’s a good idea to start opening up about yourself (without oversharing). 

Now what’s acceptable and what’s oversharing, you might wonder. Well, here’s an example that will give you a fair idea: revealing deep traumas when you’ve been dating for a month amounts to oversharing but talking about something personal but light, like a quirky habit or an embarrassing childhood experience, is acceptable. These small doses of vulnerability show that you’re willing to let the other person in and help build an emotional connection.

Related Reading: Expectations In Relationships: The Right Way To Manage Them

7. Keep your expectations in check

What to do in a new relationship to build a strong, lasting connection, you wonder? Rid yourself and your partner from the weight of unrealistic expectations. They bring nothing but disappointment, disgruntlement, and conflict. Don’t let romanticized or idealistic ideas of what a romantic connection should feel like get in the way of a budding relationship. Stay grounded, enjoy each other’s company, try to get to know each other, before you place the weight of expectations on your connection. 

Final Thoughts

The early stages of dating someone new can feel exhilarating and nerve-wracking in equal measure. A lot of this new relationship anxiety stems from not being sure whether you’re doing things right or how your actions may be perceived by the other person. By steering clear of 9 things to never do in the first month of dating, you can side-step a lot of these minefields and pave the way for a strong and deep connection with the potential of materializing into something long-term.

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