Wait, what?
I must be out of my mind, right? I know most of you have already rolled your eyes and decided this is a ridiculous article but I also know that you’re curious as hell too. So why not read on?
As a couples therapist I deal with intimacy issues between couples all the time and one of the most common complaints that I get (especially from puzzled and enraged wives and girlfriends) is – “HE WATCHES PORN” and the common questions that follow are-
- Are all men this oversexed?
- Am I not good enough?
- Is he not satisfied with our sex life that he needs to watch porn?
- Does this mean he wants other women?
- Does this mean that he might cheat on me?
- Does he expect me to do the same things that he watches?
Admit it, if you’re one of the women who has occasionally caught your boyfriend/husband watching porn, at least one of these questions must have definitely crossed your mind. So I thought let me try and put this debate to rest once and for all by drawing on my professional and academic experience.
First, let me try and explain how your guy thinks.
It has nothing to do with you. Yes, as difficult as this might be to digest, his watching porn is nothing personal. It’s not about you. It could have been you or any other girl in his life, and he might have still done it because it’s not about any kind of emotional intimacy or even a physical one. It’s pure and simple entertainment, albeit of a sexual nature. All of us, as human beings crave arousal, excitement and novelty. And things that are forbidden, taboo, or supposed to be behind closed doors are always appealing and that’s where pornography holds its charm. If you had ready access to such material, wouldn’t you be tempted to look too?
Related reading: My fantasy sexual life
It’s about fun. The reason sex in pornographic videos and pictures seems so attractive is that it appears so effortless, experimental and fun – exactly how it needs to be in real life but rarely is. It’s not necessary that he isn’t satisfied with the intimacy you two share, but it’s probably that he wants it in a more fun way. It doesn’t always have to be about going through ten steps to “set the mood” or “find the right time”. It just needs to be spontaneous and be equally desired by both partners and that’s what those videos show him.
Eventually, he wants it with YOU. Trust me, there’s nothing more a guy wants than to have a fun, intimate, exciting sexual relationship with the one woman in his life. If he can have that, he will never crave for it outside. And just because he looks at other women doesn’t mean he wants it with them all. It’s merely a natural instinct to throw an admirable glance at something good looking, even you do it too, right?
So, how do you make porn work in the favor of your relationship? It’s all about changing your perspective, that’s all. Let go of all that you’ve been told, all that you believe about it and try to see the whole thing with fresh eyes and you’ll see all the difference it makes to your relationship.
It’s a matter of perspective. This is the first cardinal rule you need to remember. Most of the wives and girlfriends who have been in long term relationships, often complain-
“Is this the only thing that matters?”
“Does intimacy mean nothing?”
“What about all the romantic moments we share?”
Yes, they all mean what they are supposed to, but THIS means a lot too.
You have to remember two things –
One, men and women are biologically wired differently and view sex from different angles
and
Two, it DOES NOT mean that he objectifies you. For men, sex is a way to get closer to you, to feel a deeper connection. To be accepted into a woman’s body is the ultimate intimacy they desire to experience, especially if they have been a steady, long term couple. Just the way you, as a woman, crave cuddles and romance, they crave physical intimacy. They are just different expressions of the same emotion, so how does that make it wrong?
Stop looking at it as sleazy. Good sex is not about objectification. It’s about being tuned in to each other’s intimate desires and about experiencing pleasure in an uninhibited way. Unfortunately, all the sexual incidents highlighted in the media are the ones that are ugly, unwanted and related somehow to criminal acts and we have become conditioned to view it as same. But while all that news is real and undeniably wrong, we somewhere forget that there’s a positive side to sex too- the one that brings a couple together; fosters intimacy and is tender and beautiful. It’s not just a means to make babies.
So if you find yourself looking at his sexual demands as dirty or sleazy and a way to objectify you, ask yourself, are you really thinking about him or are you succumbing to the skewed picture of sex that has been presented to you and that only shows one side of it?
On the flip side, porn is probably the only place where sex appears to be the fun act it’s supposed to be and you need to maybe start looking at it that way.
Not all porn is over the top and deviant. Yes, there are versions of porn that cater to sexual paraphilia and alternative lifestyles like bondage, multiple simultaneous partners, sado-masochism etc., but if you’d just keep your biased perceptions aside and open your mind, you’ll find that chances are your guy watches basic, clean, heterosexual porn that shows nothing different from what you might already be doing.
Deviant sexual preferences account for only a very small percentage of the population and it might generate your curiosity but it doesn’t make everyone want to try it. So it doesn’t have to feel like its scary or criminal stuff.
Enhance your self-image. Be honest – what’s the first thing you think of when you find him looking at women?
“Is she more attractive than me?”
And psychologically, that creates an instant dislike for those women and whatever they are doing and makes you instantly close your mind to it. Isn’t it? But doesn’t the same principle apply when you look at say, Milind Soman in his running gear, or the barrage of hot bodied males flaunting themselves in movies or music videos? That doesn’t bring up your dislike, does it? Have you ever thought, why not?
That’s because when you’re looking at women, you’re getting into a comparison and defensive mode. We unconsciously berate the things we envy because it’s easier to call them bad than admit that they make us feel insecure. Instead, what you need is to feel confident in your skin, and in your body. You ARE sexy, you ARE beautiful and you just need to learn how to flaunt it to him and believe me, he’ll have eyes only for you.
You, with all your little unique things about your body, is what he loves, and will love even more if you’re proud of it because there’s nothing sexier than a woman who loves her own body.
Start easy, but start. If you want to see the magic the sexuality of porn can infuse into your relationship, just close your eyes (or open them!), open your mind and take the plunge. You don’t have to start with hardcore stuff. Switch on a sexy movie and watch it with him. Don’t look away or feel the need to move away when things get hotter (this will happen and it’s okay- it’s a result of years of conditioning that sexual things are embarrassing- you can get past this hitch); let him get close to you if he wants and for once, bring down your walls and stop hesitating. What’s the worst that can happen? You won’t like it? Well, you will never know unless you try. But don’t go into it with the presumption that you won’t like it. Think, “oh well, let’s see where it goes”-that’s it.
The idea of watching other people having sex may sound creepy and voyeuristic, but for couples, especially long term couples, sometimes it can serve as a powerful reminder that this is what people truly enjoy- just like you did in the initial stages of your relationship. At that time, it didn’t seem sleazy to want to touch all the time, or to look for opportunities to be alone so you could get down, so when did it turn creepy along the way? And why? Because life happened, and suddenly you thought you were moving on to more important stuff that sex became mundane? But guess what? Intimacy needs to be foremost, the first priority because that’s what always holds everything together and if you need to watch other people getting intimate to bring the sex & intimacy back into your life, well, why not?
This article was first published on hopenetwork.in.
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Sharing the porn that turns you on and talking to your partner about it can bring you closer together, in sex and in the relationship as a whole.
I think it can help people to understand each other better, by saying “let me show you what turns me on,”. If you want to turn your partner on, it helps to know what turns them on.