Are you in a long-term relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere? You and your partner share certain aspects of life, perhaps, you even live together, enjoy spending time with each other, the intimacy is fulfilling, yet you feel no closer to seeing a future with him than you did when you first started dating. This is bound to bring up some anxiety about what the future holds for you. 

At the back of your mind, you may always feel the burden of the niggling question, “Will he ever marry me or am I wasting my time?” These fears may be compounded by your partner’s attitude toward taking the next logical step in your relationship. Perhaps, a “where is this going” conversation always leads to a fight or he starts acting distant whenever you bring up the M word. 

Since you haven’t gotten a straight answer from him (or you wouldn’t be here) and it’s not easy to just walk away from a relationship you’re so deeply emotionally invested in unless you’re sure it’s the only way out, allow me to turn your attention to 5 harsh but true signs he’ll never marry you.  

5 Harsh But True Signs He’ll Never Marry You

“We have been together for 5 years but my boyfriend won’t propose.” “My boyfriend doesn’t want to get married but I do.” “Everyone around me seems to be tying the knot while I’m here still waiting for a proposal. Does he want to marry me or not?” We, at Bonbology, are no strangers to the conundrum of women in long-term relationships tired of waiting for their partners to pop the question. 

Based on scores of such stories that have come our way over the years, I’ve compiled this list of heart-breaking but unmistakable signs he’ll never marry you. When you have been with someone a long time, it can be hard to accept that you’re in a dead-end relationship. But sister, if you find these signs relatable, I urge you to shake off the denial and take that first hard step toward acceptance because any man who does the following things is sure not going to marry you: 

1. He avoids talking about the future

Is your partner all for discussing weekend plans and your next getaway, but the moment you bring up the future, he changes the subject, laughs it off, or offers a vague response? This is a clear red flag that is unsure about or scared of committing to you for life. A lack of interest in future planning can also manifest as: 

1. He always wants to be “in the moment”

I once dated a guy who always responded to questions like “so what are we” or “where do you think this is headed” by leaning in for a kiss, and then following it up with, “Why worry about the future, let’s just enjoy what we have here and now.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for spontaneity and being in the moment but it cannot be used as an excuse to dodge conversations about the future, especially if you’re in a committed, stable relationship. As relationship therapist Dr. Anjali Mehta says, “An unwillingness to talk about the future usually suggests uncertainty or even fear of commitment.”

2. He shuts down when you ask big-picture questions

Amy, 32, who works in retail, says, “I realized my boyfriend of 7 years was not ready for marriage when I began noticing that he always dodged questions about what the future might look like for you. For instance, every time I mentioned where we might live in a few years, he’d get tense and just say, ‘We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.’”

In any relationship where both partners are together for the long haul, big-picture questions about lifestyle, career goals, finances, or family plans are discussed from time to time. If your partner panics when you bring up these topics or deflects them instead of sharing in the excitement about a future together, it’s one of the clear signs he’ll never marry you. 

Related Reading: 35 Serious Relationship Questions To Know Where You Stand

3. He hasn’t integrated you in his life 

If despite having been together for a considerable amount of time, your partner hasn’t truly integrated you into his life, it reflects his uncertainty about the future. Sure, he may have introduced you to his friends, and you may have met his family on occasion, but if you are in a long-term relationship and still not a consistent part of his social life involving his inner circle of people, he isn’t thinking about having you around for life. 

4. He doesn’t give you a concrete timeline 

Relationships are all about a natural progression from one milestone to the next—dating, becoming exclusive, moving in, getting engaged, getting married, and so on. Your partner’s attitude toward these milestones can tell you all you need to know about his readiness to get married. If “may” “someday” or “we’ll see” is all he can come up with whenever you discuss relationship milestones, instead of giving you a concrete timeline that he feels comfortable with, he likely isn’t entertaining thoughts about marrying you. 

2. He treats the relationship like an option, not a priority

Having crashed and burned on this account, take it from me: any guy who treats you like an option—something to fill his time with when he has nothing better going on in his life—rather than a priority is sure as hell not even thinking about marrying you. When a man is truly committed to you, he steps up and shows up for you without being asked to. Otherwise, you see signs he doesn’t want to marry you such as:

1. Plans are rarely set in stone

Forget expecting him to step up and seal the deal with a ring, you cannot even count on him to show up for plans he agreed to. If you’re constantly left wondering whether that movie date or dinner outing you talked about was a concrete plan or just tentative, your partner isn’t prioritizing your time or feelings. Explaining why this is a red flag in a man, therapist Josh Kent says, “Someone who’s serious about a future will naturally consider your needs because they already see you as part of it.”

2. He’s always “too busy” for important conversations

Here you are secretly hoping for a magical proposal or fantasizing about your dream wedding, down to the last detail. You’ve been together long enough for you to expect that it’s an inevitability. But hey, hold on a second and think about whether your boyfriend has given you any real reason to spin this fairy tale. 

Not sure? Here is a little test for you. Send him a raunchy text in the middle of a workday and see how he responds. Chances are he might just set aside whatever he is doing and play along for as long as you like. Then, bring up the future, make a comment about wanting him in your life forever, or ask him where he sees you both five years down the line.

If you notice a palpable dip in the enthusiasm with which he responds or he blows you off with a “got to get back to work” or “I have a lot of work to finish, we’ll talk about it later”, this shift in his attitude tells you all you need to know: while he enjoys what you two have, he doesn’t see a future with you. 

Related Reading: 11 Painful Signs Your Partner Is Taking Your Relationship For Granted

3. He makes you feel disposable

Your boyfriend is not ready for marriage if he constantly makes you feel like you’re “replaceable”. If he reaches out only when it is convenient for him and expects you to drop everything to spend time with him but doesn’t return the favor, or doesn’t make an effort to deepen your connection with him, or isn’t bothered about hurting your feelings, the relationship may not mean as much to him as it does to you. He may well be playing you. That’s certainly not the kind of guy who is looking to get married. 

4. There is no “we” in his life

When you’re with someone for the long haul, your perspective naturally shifts from “I” to “us”, from “me” to “we”. “We should save up for a trip to Europe next year.” “Will we be happier in the suburbs?” “Do you think we should get a dog?” Often, this shift is organic and stems from a vision of a shared future. So, if your boyfriend’s preferred pronoun when talking about his future plans is still “I”, he’s not serious about creating a life with you.

3. His actions don’t match his words

Leslie, 37, who is struggling to come to terms with the fact that her boyfriend ended the relationship after stringing her along for years, says, “My ex had his share of emotional baggage because of which he always flaked when it came to settling down. Whenever I’d tell him that I was getting tired of waiting around, he’d promise to do better. He’d say things like “I can’t imagine my life without you”, which led me to believe he just needed some time to work through his issues. 

“The trouble was he never put in any real effort to change his ways. Then, he met someone else, and it turns out, he had no problem committing to her. Within six months of ending things with me, he married here. Here I am single in my late 30s, feeling robbed of a chance to have a shot at a real relationship.” That’s the thing about promises—they don’t mean a thing if they aren’t backed up by actions. Your boyfriend may have no intention of following through on his and committing to you, if:

1. He’s full of empty promises

If he talks a big game but doesn’t actually take concrete action in that direction, he may just be stringing you along, much like Leslie’s ex, without making any real commitment. A big red flag that a guy is not ready to commit is that he talks about marriage or assures you that he wants to marry you but then doesn’t follow it up with concrete action like a proposal or keeps postponing making definitive plans on one pretext or the other. 

2. He shows commitment only when he’s afraid to lose you

Another one of the clear signs he’ll never marry you is his commitment is reactive rather than proactive. You tell him you’re tired of waiting around in this dead-end relationship, and he is suddenly the model devoted boyfriend who is ready to move heaven and earth to keep you from leaving. As soon as he’s sure you’ve been placated, you’re left dealing with the same old complacency in the relationship. Counselor Dr. Riya Kapoor explains, “This kind of behavior often reflects an attempt to keep the peace without genuine intention to build a long-term future.”

Related Reading: Signs He Has Sex With You But Doesn’t Love You Anymore

3. He says he wants a future but never acts on It

Hearing your boyfriend say “I want to marry you” may fill you up with all sorts of warm and fuzzy feelings at first. But when you’ve been together a while and these statements aren’t backed by action—saving up for a ring, introducing the families, or talking about a timeline—they’re just hollow words. When you’ve heard them often enough, they should tell you that your boyfriend is not ready for marriage. 

4. Waiting for the right time

If every time you broach the topic of marriage or building your life together, he tells you it’s all going to happen “soon” and he’s just waiting for the right time but that right time never rolls around, he’s stalling. When you’re not moving forward, you may find yourself in a stagnant relationship, and that can be a deeply unsettling place to be in, especially when you want a marriage and lifelong companionship. 

4. You feel like you’re begging for his commitment 

If you’ve been dropping hints—from “accidentally” leaving a page on ring designs open on his laptop to telling him heart-melting proposal stories—but he isn’t taking the bait, it can make you feel like you’re begging for his commitment and he is not ready to yield. This can lead to a lot of frustration and resentment in the relationship. Perhaps, instead of waiting for him to come around, it’s time you accept your boyfriend doesn’t want to get married, especially if he: 

1. He values his freedom over building a life with you

If he values his independence over your relationship with you so much so that his career, his goals, his ambitions, his hobbies, his social life, his need for space, all take precedence over you, he clearly isn’t all in. A committed relationship is all about blending two lives together, and if your boyfriend hasn’t been able to do that despite having been with you for a substantial amount of time, marriage may be the last thing on his mind.  

2. The M word has become a source of conflict

Another clear indicator that your partner may have no intention of marrying you is that the word “marriage” has become a constant source of tension and conflict in your relationship. If he gets irritated and withdrawn or lashes out whenever you talk about marriage, even as a distant possibility, you may find yourself walking on eggshells around him on an issue that clearly matters a lot to you. This mismatch in relationship expectations can put a considerable strain on your bond.  

Related Reading: How Long Does It Take A Man To Know He Wants To Marry You?

3. He hasn’t made lifestyle changes that indicate he is ready for marriage

Does he want to marry me, you wonder? If he’s still partying hard, prioritizing his friends over you, or spending weekends solo, he clearly isn’t ready for a commitment as serious as marriage. Forget marriage, this lack of effort to make space for you in his life indicates that he may not be serious about you at all. 

4. He treats your relationship like a low-key arrangement

You can be fairly certain your boyfriend won’t propose any time soon if hasn’t even started treating what you have as a real relationship and instead acts like it’s some casual low-key arrangement. This may reflect in the way he treats you or talks about the relationship. If he says things like “I don’t know how to describe what I feel for you” or “You are special but I don’t know how to define this thing we have”, you may be getting ahead of yourself in wondering if he is ready for marriage. 

5. He’s afraid of marriage 

The clearest of all the signs he’ll never marry you is that he has strong anti-marriage views or seems scared of the “risks” of marriage. Often, such a strong stance stems from emotional trauma. Perhaps, he saw his parents trapped in an unhappy marriage or maybe you’re dating a divorced man whose first marriage crashed and burned. In such cases, it’s unlikely that his mindset will magically change, no matter how strong your bond. Even more so if: 

1. He views marriage as a trap

If you’re with a guy who talks about marriage as if it’s a prison sentence, constantly mentions failed marriages or how many divorces he’s seen, know that he won’t be proposing anytime soon. Marriage therapist Sarah Jensen says, “If someone views marriage in purely negative terms, it’s unlikely they’ll change that stance without a fundamental shift in perspective.”

2. He has told you he’s “not the marrying type” 

If your boyfriend has outright told you that he is not the marrying type, you may be wasting your time—and his—your efforts of figuring out how to make him marry you may be in vain. Frankly, if that’s the case, it’s not fair to him that you’re suddenly putting all this pressure on him when he’s clearly told you that marriage is not for him. A lot of people are perfectly content with a committed partnership without feeling the need for legal or social validation. It’s for you to decide whether you’re one of them because your partner clearly is. 

Related Reading: 22 Signs You Are Dating A Commitment-phobe

3. He has been engaged in the past but never married 

One of the most glaring signs a man isn’t ready for marriage is that he has been engaged in the past but never followed through on that promise. Breaking off an engagement is not a decision made lightly. If your boyfriend has been down this road before, it indicates a deep-seated fear of commitment. 

4. He proposed but is dragging his feet

If your boyfriend has proposed to you but there hasn’t been any real progress on the front ever since—for instance, you haven’t set a date or started the wedding planning—it could be one of the signs he regrets proposing. Another red flag is that he keeps pushing the wedding date on one pretext or another. These behaviors suggest that he may have proposed because he felt pressured but has no intention to follow through on it.   

How To Deal With Knowing He’ll Never Marry You

If you found these 5 harsh but true signs he’ll never marry you relatable, you’re at an uncomfortable crossroads in your life. On the one hand, you have a relationship you’ve invested so much of yourself in; and on the other, the dream of getting married and sharing your life with the love of your life. A classic Sophie’s choice. But hey, you’ve got to play the hand you’ve been dealt, right? Allow me to help with these tips on dealing with knowing he’ll never marry you and making a choice that you won’t come to regret: 

1. Understand how your partner’s reluctance to marry you makes you feel

Realizing that he’ll never marry you can trigger a range of emotions—from heartbreak to frustration, even resentment. Take the time to understand and acknowledge the emotions this brings up for you and give yourself permission to feel them.

You’re grieving a future you imagined, and that can feel like a breakup, even if you’re still together. Relationship therapist Dr. Laura Weiss explains, “Mourning the loss of a shared future is often as painful as mourning a person. This feeling needs space to exist.” Journaling or confiding in a trusted friend can help you process these emotions.

You may also need some time to work through these feelings. “Healing from unmet expectations isn’t about forgetting them; it’s about gradually finding new purpose,” adds Dr. Weiss. Don’t hesitate to take the time and space you need to work through the inner turmoil and accept the reality of your relationship. 

Related Reading: How To Move On When You Are Still In Love With Your Ex

2. Reflect on what you want in life

As I said before, the realization that your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you can bring you to a crossroads. To make a choice, you need to reflect on and evaluate what you want in life. Ask yourself if a lifelong partnership, possibly with marriage, is a core goal for you. Remind yourself that not every fulfilling relationship leads to marriage, and that doesn’t mean it’s a failure. Then ask yourself if that’s something you can embrace wholeheartedly. 

At the same time, consider what you’re willing to let go of and what’s essential. It can also help to make a pros and cons list about the relationship. This will help you identify areas where your partner meets your needs and where he doesn’t, and can offer clarity on whether you’re holding onto hope rather than reality.

3. Have an honest conversation with your partner

The time to drop hints and ask vague questions like “where is this going” or “what are we” is gone. You need to have an honest conversation with your partner about your respective expectations and goals. This is especially critical if you feel he hasn’t explicitly stated his stance on marriage.

Remember the goal here is not to push him to “commit or quit”, but instead to understand his thoughts on marriage and the future. Once your boyfriend has shared his perspective, clearly tell him what you want, but avoid ultimatums. Relationship expert Dr. Elena Hall says, “Expressing your dreams without pressure allows him to respond openly, and it gives you insight into his intentions.”

But what if your partner avoids engaging in the conversation or sticks to vague responses? Well, in that case, don’t stick around, waiting for him to come around. Sometimes silence speaks volumes. His unwillingness to engage in a conversation that is clearly important to you reinforces what you already suspect. “If he’s not reciprocating your vision for the future, take it as insight rather than waiting for him to change,” Dr. Hall advises.

4. Make a decision based on your values

Once you’ve assessed your desires, values, and goals, and had a conversation with your partner, it’s time to make a decision about whether to stay together or part ways. This may be a difficult decision but as long as you stay true to your values, you will choose what brings you long-term happiness.

If you’re struggling to come to a decision, visualizing your future with and without him can help bring clarity. “Envisioning the future you want can be incredibly grounding and help guide you forward,” says life coach Michelle Perry.

If marriage is a core life priority for you and your partner is not on board, ask yourself if you’ll be content in a relationship that isn’t headed in that direction. If you decide marriage isn’t essential, focus on setting other relationship goals, like travel, financial planning, or even cohabiting.

5. Embrace change and new beginnings

Whether you decide to move on or choose to stay and shift your expectations, you will need to re-align your needs and values. Whether you move on, adjust your expectations, or find new goals in the relationship, embrace this moment as part of your growth. Acknowledging your strength in facing hard truths and making difficult decisions can be incredibly empowering. As Dr. Jade Chen, a therapist specializing in life transitions, says, “Every ending is also a beginning, a chance to rewrite your narrative on your own terms.”

Final Thoughts

Being in a relationship that isn’t moving forward in the direction you’d have hoped for can be emotionally taxing, especially if marriage is an important life goal for you. If you see the signs he’ll never marry you, it’s best to have an honest conversation with your partner about the future and then decide whether you can realign your goals with those of your partner or if moving on would be a better choice for you. But make a decision that you’re at peace with. Never compromise on who you are and what you want from life just to settle for a relationship because that will never bring you fulfillment. 

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