How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying—9 Expert-Backed Tips

Marriages are often a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, highs and lows, happy moments and rough patches. When both spouses steer this ship in sync and harmony with each other, weathering storms and wading through troubled waters becomes a lot less daunting. In fact, if you want to know the secret to a successful marriage, it is this: two people refusing to give up on each other. But what happens when one partner just gives up and you’re left grappling with the unsettling dilemma of how to save a marriage when only one is trying.

Now, as they say, a marriage is never 50-50. That is, at no point in time, do both partners contribute equally to making the relationship work. Some days you pick up 80% of the slack because your partner can only bring in 20%. And on others, the equation is reversed. However, if your partner completely washes their hand off the responsibility of keeping the relationship afloat but you’re not ready to give up, you may find yourself how to save your marriage when it seems impossible.

Needless to say, that can be a dreary, hopeless place to be in. After all, it’s not easy coming to terms with signs your husband has checked out of the marriage or signs your wife wants to leave you, that too when you haven’t quite given up. As hard and disheartening as it may seem, it’s possible to figure out how to repair a marriage single-handedly. We’re here to tell you how, with insights from psychotherapist Gopa Khan (Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), who specializes in marriage & family counseling.

Signs A Marriage Is In Trouble And Only One Partner Is Trying To Save It

It takes two to tango; a happy marriage is based on the sheer determination of both spouses to make it work. When one pulls back or gives up entirely, signs a marriage is in trouble begin to emerge. The dynamics become even more lop-sided if the other partner still wants the marriage to work while the one who has given up sticks around, but only as a passive participant. If this sounds relatable and you feel like you’ve been taking on the lion’s share of the responsibility to keep your relationship afloat, pay attention to these indicators that you’re in that hard spot where you’ve got to figure out how to save your marriage when it seems impossible, as pointed out by Gopa:

• Lack of communication: Poor communication is one of the first signs a marriage is in trouble because one of the partners has given up on it. When this happens, one partner constantly initiates conversations to resolve issues while the other is disinterested or dismissive.
• No effort to change: If you’re actively working on improving behavior or addressing problems, asking, “How to change myself to save my marriage”, but your spouse refuses to make any changes, it’s a telling sign that they have no interest in salvaging your bond
• Emotional disengagement: You feel that your partner has become emotionally distant—almost as if it’s become impossible for you to reach them even if they’re right next to you. This shows they have little interest in rebuilding the connection
• Avoidance of conflict resolution: You can be sure you’re the only one trying to save a marriage if your partner avoids addressing conflicts, leaving you to resolve them single-handedly or seems indifferent to whether conflicts are resolved at all
• No participation in counseling: If you have been trying to float the idea of seeking help or going into couples therapy to work on your issues but your spouse either refuses to get on board with the idea or refuses to participate or engage meaningfully in the process, it can only mean one thing—they’re no longer invested in saving the marriage
• Indifference to quality time: A diminishing need for quality time with one’s partner is one of the biggest indicator that a person has checked out of the relationship. If your partner shows no interest in bonding or making plans, you’re right in wondering how to save a marriage when only one is trying
• Lack of intimacy: Likewise, a diminishing need for physical or emotional intimacy as well as rejecting a partner’s advances are among the signs a marriage is in trouble
• Dismissive of concerns: If your spouse constantly invalidates or dismisses your concerns or feelings about your marital struggles, they obviously aren’t bothered enough by them. This happens when a person stops caring about the future of the relationship
• No interest in future plans: One of the clearest signs your husband has checked out of the marriage or signs your wife wants to leave you is that they stop planning for the future or talking about shared goals, but rather seem indifferent or uninterested
• Blame-shifting: While you may accept responsibility for your part in your marital struggles, and even wonder, “How to change myself to save my marriage”, your partner shifts blame and refuses to acknowledge their role
• Lack of appreciation: Another one of the telling signs a marriage is in trouble because one partner has given up is that you can’t remember the last time they made an effort to show love and care or express gratitude
• Living separate lives: If you’re in a roommate marriage where you and your spouse lead different lives and they prioritize their life outside the marriage over working on their connection with you, you may be left grappling with the quandary of how to save a marriage when only one is trying

Why Is Your Partner Not Trying To Save The Marriage?

When you see the signs your husband has checked out of the marriage or signs your wife wants to leave you but want to salvage your relationship, you must make an effort to understand what has brought on this change. What has changed that your once loving partner no longer cares what becomes of your marriage? Why have they stopped investing in nurturing the relationship they have with you? Why is your marriage in such a state of disarray that you keep wondering, “How to make my husband want me” or “How to make my wife love me again”? There can be several reasons why your partner is not making any effort to save the marriage. Here are a few:

• They are in love with someone else
• Unresolved marital issues have taken a toll on how they feel about you
• Toxic relationship dynamics have made them lose hope of repairing their bond with you
• They may want their space and freedom
• They want to save the marriage but don’t know how to go about it
• They might be going through troubled times or financial problems
• They no longer want to compromise
• Their priorities, dreams, and ambitions have changed

As exasperating as it feels, please understand that it is not the end of the road. You can still turn things around. You need to figure out how to save a marriage when only one is trying and get your partner on board. Let’s find out how.

Related Reading: 9 Consequences Of Staying In An Unhappy Marriage

9 Expert-Backed Tips On How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying

No marriage is a bed of roses at all times. When you share a life-long ride with another person, there are bound to be bumps along the way. Some powerful enough to throw you off track completely. The unfortunate reality of having to figure out how to save a marriage when only one is trying is definitely one such situation.

Fixing a broken marriage single-handedly is a Herculean task, but not impossible. With perseverance and practical, optimistic thinking, you can turn things around and find a way to reconnect, even if only one spouse is trying. To help you embark on this challenging journey, we’ve curated 9 expert-backed tips on how to save your marriage when it seems impossible:

1. The best way to save a marriage is to opt for counseling

I cheated but I want to save my relationship even though my partner wants nothing to do with me. My wife is mean to me and nice to everyone else, how can I salvage my relationship with her? I just want to know how to make my husband want me. No matter what the specifics of your situation, seeking counseling can help you work through your issues and find a way to save your marriage.

“To anyone trying to figure out how to save your marriage when one wants out, I say couples counseling session is pretty much mandatory,” says Gopa. “Counseling can help partners work on themselves individually, work on the problems they’re facing, and talk to each other in a civil manner.

Getting counseling can be a little tricky if your partner absolutely refuses to be a part of it. In such cases, try to make them understand that the neutral point of view of the counselor is only going to benefit you both. This approach may work because your partner can see that you’re willing to take accountability for your actions and it may be easier to confess certain things with a neutral, unbiased person present. If you’re trying to figure out how to save your marriage when it seems impossible, know that Bonobology’s skilled panel of counselors is only a click away.

2. Ask your partner for more time

Raya, a 35-year-old accountant, who have been able to turn things around in her failing marriage, says, “There was I time when I used to think I need a miracle to save my marriage. I cheated on my husband and he wanted nothing to do with me after that. He had even moved out but I realized the error of my ways and wanted to do what ever it took to turn things around. So, I asked him to not make any decision in haste and just stick to a trial separation until we both figured things out.

“I started reached out to him as often as possible. After the first weeks, he began responding as well. With the help of some constructive communication, I was able to make him see how genuinely sorry and remorseful I was. We decided to give our marriage another chance. Now, every day, we try to improve just a little bit.”

Even if things have deteriorated to a point that your partner has made up their mind to end the marriage, not all hope is lost. The first thing you have to do is to ask your partner for more time before they give up on the marriage. Everyone deserves a second chance, and convincing your partner to try and stay on board for a while longer might just bear fruit. Based on how much time you have, you will have to come up with a practical and effective plan to save your marriage.

Related Reading: 12 Characteristics Of A Successful Marriage

3. Change your perception

Quoting Maya Angelou, “If you don’t like something change it, if you can’t change it, change your attitude”. The key to how to save your marriage when it seems impossible lies in embracing change. You will have to figure out the things that you need to change before starting your journey toward your marriage revival. The issues could be anything, from the way your personality is or your attitude toward life. Focus on the things your spouse has a problem with and try to address them. Take stock of your own negative or toxic traits and make the effort to change them.

“One of the things I tell my clients is that they need to focus and work on themselves first. To be able to save a marriage that is fast approaching rocky waters, you need to be able to put on your best face. You need to appear to be a calm and confident person to your spouse. Unless you work on yourself, the partner won’t want to come back because they’ve already made up their mind to leave after witnessing the old issues,” says Gopa.

If your partner sees a change in you, you’ll have succeeded in making them see that you’re trying your best to save your marriage, without actually saying it. Instead of passively thinking, “I need a miracle to save my marriage”, try to take some action by getting back on track with your life and responsibilities.

4. Do not use pressure tactics

Trying to emotionally blackmail your partner by using family, money, sex, guilt, or your children is unfair. Using any of these pressure tactics can backfire, shutting all doors that can lead your spouse back to you. “The more you try to tell pressure your spouse into staying with you, the more strongly they may resist the idea. This will only lead to more conflict and resentment, which will, in turn, reinforce their belief that they were right in deciding to walk away from the marriage,” says Gopa. You cannot force a person to live with you; even if you manage to do so, it will be a dead relationship.

5. How to save your marriage when love is gone: Do not give up

Fighting to save your marriage all by yourself can leave you exhausted and perturbed, but that’s the time you will have to motivate yourself. Remind yourself of all the things that made you fall in love with your partner. It will take away the focus from the pain they have caused you. “If you’re trying to save a marriage from divorce, it’s vital to have a “never give up” attitude, and to try and do whatever needs to be done. Even in the worst-case scenario, if things don’t work out, at least you will know that you gave it your best shot,” says Gopa.

Get your support system ready, be it your best friend, your parents, or a relative. Pour your heart out to them whenever you need to and tell them to help you get back on track whenever you’re out of focus. This way, you can move forward toward achieving your goal without carrying any emotional baggage.

6. Focus on real issues

Every marriage goes through its fair share of ups and downs, but if it has reached a point where one is ready to leave forever, the issue may seem irresolvable. Perhaps you’re in a situation where all you can think of is, “I cheated but I want to save my relationship.” Or maybe, you spend all your time trying to figure out, “how to make my husband want me” or “how to make my wife love me again”. Whatever the reasons for your discord, whether it is incompatibility, infidelity, or a financial or social issue, you must address it head-on.

First, you have to comprehend the issue and then make your spouse understand that one problem is not worth ending your marriage over. Instead of focusing on blame-shifting in a relationship, come up with solutions to resolve conflict. “When figuring out how to save your marriage when one wants out, the need to get past the cycle of every conversation escalating to an argument. Realize that this is what has led to your marital issues blowing up to this extent. Only once this pattern is broken can you start addressing your issues and working on them,” says Gopa.  

Related Reading: 10 Signs You Need Counselling To Fix Your Marriage

7. Give and ask for space

“Of course, you need to talk to each other if one has emotionally checked out of the marriage, but make sure there’s no stalking. I’ve had clients who literally track their partner’s every step through social media and other tools. Eventually, the 60 messages and calls they make a day get overwhelming for the other partner. This can push them further away. Instead, give them the time and space to sort their thoughts. And use it well yourself to introspect and find a way forward,” advises Gopa.

Sometimes all you need is a break to gain a little perspective of what’s happening. When you are overwhelmed with life-changing decisions, you may miss some important aspects that could entirely change everything. Space in a relationship is important. Give your spouse that space and time to contemplate their decisions. It is paramount if you’re trying to figure out how to save a marriage when only one is trying.

8. Try to work on communication

More often than not, when you find yourself in a situation where you’re struggling to figure out how to save your marriage when it seems impossible, the core issue is that you and your spouse haven’t mastered the art of healthy, non-confrontational yet open communication, as a result of which issues begin to pile up. Then, even the smallest trigger can prove to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

“I always encourage my clients to talk to their spouses amiably. But when I say “talk”, I don’t mean fight. I had a client, who would call up and tell her husband everything that he did wrong and always initiate a fight, in the name of “communicating”. In the end, she literally ended up pushing him out of the marriage,” says Gopa.

Talking about the turbulent times in her marriage, Jessica told us, “I spent months trying to figure out how to make my husband want me again and to my surprise, it was just a matter of getting past my inhibitions and being vulnerable with him again.” Once she decided to be amiably honest with her spouse, he opened up just enough to try and work things out to save their marriage. This is exactly why communication is of extreme importance in a relationship or marriage.

9. Be ready to accept the truth

Finally, after all your efforts, if your spouse is still not willing to be in the marriage, then it’s time you shift your focus from the pain that the separation will cause you to the next course of action. Be true to yourself and embrace what life brings your way. “Lean into your coping mechanisms, whether it’s a holiday, spending time with loved ones, or engaging in hobbies and things you love doing. Reinvent yourself, and for all you know, your spouse may come back to this new improved you,” says Gopa.

What Not To Do When Only You Are The One Trying To Save Your Marriage

When faced with insurmountable odds of figuring out how to save your marriage when it seems impossible, people often end up doing things or engaging in behaviors that they ideally should avoid. Such actions do more harm than good and ruin your chances to save a marriage. Here are a few things you should not do when you are the only one trying to figure out how to repair a marriage:

• Stop playing the blame game. It will do more harm than good
• Don’t assume things. Ask your partner their motive or intention behind saying or doing what they said or did
• Fight fair. Don’t be disrespectful to your partner during arguments
• Don’t hold grudges or resentment against your partner
• Avoid bringing up negative feelings of fights of the past
• Don’t nag or control them. Give them their space and freedom

In a healthy marriage, partners should have basic boundaries in place and mutual respect. Don’t try the ‘my way or the highway’ approach. It will do more harm than good and destroy whatever is left of your relationship, making it all the more difficult to save your marriage from divorce. We hope the above pointers on what not to do when your spouse has given up on the marriage and you’re the only one trying to save it help.

Related Reading: 15 Warning Signs You Need A Divorce For Sure

It takes two to tango. A relationship or marriage requires both partners equally investing their time and energy into making it work. You cannot fix a relationship all by yourself. Your partner will have to make some amount of effort. However, if your spouse is hellbent on ending things, then we would suggest you let it go. There’s no point in continuing a marriage in which one partner isn’t invested at all. It’s better to part on good terms than to have constant fights and conflict.

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