In the ever-evolving modern dating lexicon, what with groundhogging, soft launch, and wokefishing, there hides a relatively lesser acknowledged term—caspering, believed to be a friendlier cousin of the brutal act of ghosting. It essentially means fazing a romantic interest out of your life by becoming less and less responsive until the connection fizzles out. At the outset, it may seem like the gentler alternative to cutting someone out of your life cold turkey.

After all, ghosting is hard, right? Not everyone has the heart to completely cut contact with someone all of a sudden. So, then what do you do when you don’t want to lead someone on? For many, the answer may be, caspering, which is soft ghosting. But is this approach really the gentler, friendlier alternative it is made out to be? Should you resort to it? And what should you do if you find yourself at the receiving end of it? Let’s help you figure out in this complete guide on caspering.

What Is Caspering?

The term caspering instantly reminds of the friendly ghost, doesn’t it? Well, our friendly ghost is the exact inspiration for this dating slang. Caspering, as already mentioned, is considered to be a friendly ghosting. Caspering meaning, according to Urban Dictionary, is “the art of ghosting someone in a friendly way. When you don’t have the heart to full-on ghost them, so you start cutting and reducing interactions until they take the hint and give up.”

So, now that we know what is caspering, let’s turn our attention to how it plays out. Well, the person perpetuating it continues to act polite and friendly, all the while trying to ignore the person who’s trying to talk to them. They would respond to your texts 8 to 10 hours later, barely replying in 3-4 words, but in a seemingly friendly manner. This would have you believe that they are ‘nice’ until it hits you that they are not interested in you anymore.

This intermittent, sporadic contact can leave the person at the receiving end confused and frustrated. If you’re an unfortunate victim of this soft ghosting, you may find yourself wondering why she/he never texts first but always responds or why they take hours to respond to your text when you can see that they have been active online or why they leave you on read for hours or even days at a time.

“Is this person going on some sort of phone detoxification where they only use their phone twice a day?” you might ask yourself, as you try to make sense of caspering meaning. One minute they’re texting, answering all your “WYD” texts, the next, they decide they now need to be devoid of technology for the next 6 hours.

Related Reading: Breaking Up Over Text -How Cool Is It?

Caspering examples

For more clarity on the caspering meaning and what it entails, let us take the example of Ruby and Kevin. Ruby is interested in Kevin, but Kevin is not. However, he neither wants to have the talk with Ruby nor cut her out completely. So, he is resorting to soft ghosting.

Let’s not kid ourselves. No student studies for 10 hours straight, without taking any breaks. Kevin here is obviously trying to ignore Ruby, waiting for her to take the hint that he does not want to talk to her. Here comes another example:

The sooner Ruby realizes that “some other time” is never going to come around, the better it’ll be for her. The day she decides to ignore him for ignoring her, their dynamic will end. The only reason anybody prefers to caspering to ghosting is that they do not want to seem rude, bad, or selfish. And they do not want to hurt the other person right on their face.

Related Reading: A Swing And A Miss: Emotions You Go Through When You’re Left On Read

Does caspering work?

In the ghosting caspering conundrum, the latter appears to be a benign approach to ending romantic connections. However, it can be argued that by giving false hope by responding to any texts, you’re leading the person on, making them think about you for longer than they should. Perhaps the “friendly” ghosting isn’t really so friendly after all, is it? Think about it, if you’re hitting it off with someone and they take a total of 1.5 business days to reply to you, you’d probably just end up Googling “Caspering meaning”, being angry at the search result that’s now staring back at you.

Besides, when you get that one text every six hours, all the expectations and hopes you have of meeting and hitting it off with this person will come rushing back to you, even if you try to keep them at bay. Just by seeing your screen light up with their name on it, you’ve already started daydreaming. Dreaming about how you’re going to turn this textlationship into the most wonderful relationship, and the first Instagram story you’ll upload with them is already running through your mind. The bottom line is that caspering someone and letting them down in a friendlier manner might make you think you’re not doing something terrible, but you are. Therefore, ‘caspering’ is not really friendly.

Caspering Vs Ghosting — Is One Better Than The Other?

The caspering vs ghosting debate has raged on for as long as these two online dating terms have been around. The jury is still out whether one is better than the other. At the same time, many people struggle to even tell the two apart because they do overlap in so many ways. Caspering is, after all, also known as soft ghosting. While there are both similarities and differences between the two, the real caspering vs ghosting differentiator is the presentation of behavior. Here is how the two are same same but different:

1. The execution is different

In ghosting, a person simply exits from their potential partner’s life as if they never existed. They would not respond to any of their calls or texts. This makes the other person genuinely worried about the ghost, wondering if they are all right, or if something bad has happened to them.

Caspering, on the other hand, is more gradual and drawn out. Here, the person wanting to cut ties continues to respond and engage with others but with diminishing frequency and interest. They’ll try to be nice but will also show disinterest at the same time. To put it in a nutshell, the person caspering the other would send so many mixed signals that the other person is left wondering what is it that they really want.

2. Both are manipulative

The similarity between caspering and ghosting is the emotional manipulation of the victim. The constant feeling of, “What is going on?” and the unceasing thoughts about the intentions of the other person are rather confusing. The mental anguish remains the same in both cases, as the person at the receiving end borderline loses their sanity.

3. In some situations, caspering may truly be the better choice

In the debate of caspering vs ghosting, however, there might be one clear circumstance where caspering is the better thing to do, even if it’s still not the nicest thing to do—when you’ve been with a person for a considerable time. Cutting off contact suddenly in such situations can leave the person at the receiving end worried about the other’s wellbeing.

Let’s face it, getting ghosted within a week or two of knowing someone is all too common in our current dating scenario. However, getting ghosted after having been with someone for a while is a lot harder to deal with. In situations where you’ve gone on more than three dates with someone and you’ve been talking to them for at least a month, “soft ghosting”, aka caspering, might seem to be the only viable way out.

Related Reading: The 7 Components Of Male Psychology During No-Contact Rule – Backed By An Expert

What You Should Do If Someone Is Caspering?

Caspering can seem like just another dating slang and you may not give much thought to whether or not it’s brutal or gentle till you’re the one being caspered. Caspering in dating is detrimental to anybody who goes through the exhausting process. If you find yourself being dealt this cruel hand, there are ways you can deal with it. Here’s how:

1. Send a clear text asking for their intentions

A romantic interest/partner might be caspering you either because they don’t want to seem rude or simply because they are not good with confrontations. You need to send them a text asking, “What is going on with you, please come clean?” This may give them the nudge to speak their mind and let you know that they’re no longer interested.

2. Create a time limit

Being busy once or twice is understandable. Always responding late and avoiding meets and canceling on you is not. Set a time limit for yourself. If they constantly take more than 3 hours to respond or if they always have an excuse ready to serve on your plate every time you make an attempt to meet them, treat it as your cue to move on. You simply don’t have to put up with that kind of nonsense.

Related Reading: The Difficulty Of Moving On Without Closure

3. Do not blame yourself

Victims of caspering often blame themselves for being clingy or too upfront. Stop that immediately. The person resorting to caspering is at fault here, not you. Do not take their irresponsibility on your shoulders. You are doing nothing wrong. Put an end to self-accusations and blaming and move on.

4. Talk to your friends or family member

Intentions behind caspering someone are always unclear. This lack of clarity and the ensuing confusion can be detrimental to your mental health. You need your support system to get through it. Talk to a close friend or a family member that you trust and clear your head. Talking to someone out loud helps in sorting things in your mind and you can then take action accordingly.

Related Reading: How To Respond To A Breakup Text

5. Seek professional help

It is hard to believe but people can resort to caspering even after months of dating someone. In such a case, dealing with it can become very difficult. If you find yourself constantly disturbed by this sudden distance that your partner is creating, consider seeking professional help to make sense of this turn of events. A professional can truly guide you out of the struggle of comprehending the entire situation. If you think you need help, skilled and experienced mental health experts on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.

6. Leave and move on

It is easier said than done, but caspering someone is not funny. If you know you’re being caspered, send the person one final goodbye message and move on. If you are feeling extremely hurt or angry and do not need them to find closure, you don’t even need to send the final message. The person at the other end is anyway wishing that you would get the hint. Now that you have, give up all your hopes and stop messaging them. They do not care, you shouldn’t either.

Final Thoughts

Caspering is an undeniable form of rejection. Nobody appreciates being rejected, especially when that rejection comes in the form of mixed signals. People resorting to this tactic of letting someone down think they’re saving the other person from hurt but it does more harm than they can fathom. If you are subjected to caspering, find it in yourself to let go of that person. There is no need for that kind of toxicity in your life.

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