“I am having an affair with a married man and I am messed up! It was casual, to begin with, he was suave, and understanding, and pampered me a lot more than my immature ex. We have been together for 11 months and I have gotten very attached to him. I go through cycles of feeling content with him to want more than just being the other woman. It is ruining my life. Though he says he loves me, he cannot leave his family. I am going crazy. Please help.” A reader wrote to our panel of counselors, seeking advice on how to navigate her relationship with a married man.

She’s certainly not alone. Of the queries we receive at Bonobology, a sizable chunk is from readers wanting help in dealing with the complications of affairs or figuring out how to stop dating a married man. You see, starting an affair and having sex with a married man is exciting at first. A lot of women find married men attractive because they are more experienced, generally more mature, financially stable, and know how to treat women right. However, things invariably get complicated because such relationships are built on lies and deceit, and most people cannot pull off the tricky balance of staying married while carrying on another full-blown relationship on the down low.

If you get attached, you may want more of the affair, and the man you’re with will most probably not be able to give it to you. That’s because a married man looking for an affair may not want another long-term relationship with emotional investment and commitment. Even if there are signs a married man is in love with you and you love him back, the course of such a relationship rarely does run smooth.

Married men have their wives, family, and commitments—there may not be enough space in their lives to give their affair partners their share of love, attention, and time. Should you, then, complicate your life by becoming involved with one? Let’s take a look at all the consequences of sleeping with a married man and the intricacies you need to be aware of, with insights from relationship experts who specialize in dealing with infidelity—psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle, psychologist Mallika Pathak, couples therapist Snigdha Mishra.

Why Do Married Men Have Affairs?

Married men have affairs for myriad reasons. They are bored, the romance has faded, and sex is not as exciting. Or perhaps, the everyday stress of running a home and managing children and aging parents gets too overwhelming. Both spouses are strapped for time. They do not have the energy or the time to make each other feel special.

Then comes another woman, fresh and charming and giving him the attention he has not experienced in a long time. He feels some stirrings within. In most cases, an affair for a man has nothing to do with loving or not loving their spouse. It is just about trying to recapture that feeling of romance and passionate sex. A married man looking for an affair could simply be seeking an avenue to fulfill unmet needs, desires, and wishes.

Speaking about why married men cheat, Dr. Bhonsle says, “Relational as well as individual issues can contribute to a married man cheating on his wife.” And lists the following possible factors that can prompt a married man to seek an affair:

• Boredom in marriage
• Insecurities or low self-esteem
• Sexual rejection
• The thrill of a clandestine affair
• Getting back at his wife for something she may have done
• Childhood trauma and experiences
• Unresolved feelings for an ex
• Misogyny

According to the Institute for Family Studies, about 20% of married men reported that they cheated on their spouses. The study also claims that men who cheat are likely seeking sex and attention. According to a different study, the affair with married men’s psychology tells us that men who rank higher in narcissistic traits are more likely to cheat.

Why Are The Reasons Behind A Woman Having An Affair With A Married Man?

Just like men cheat for all sorts of reasons, there can be different driving factors behind a woman having an affair with a married man. Snigdha says, “Women who lack emotional support in their lives and crave attention can go down this path without thinking about the complications of an affair with a married man.” In addition to that, research has found that being married adds to a man’s appeal to other women.

A study about human mate choice and the wedding ring effect states “the probability of a female choosing a particular male increases if he has already been chosen by other females. Recently it has been suggested that mate-choice copying could be an important aspect of human mate choice”. These factors may subconsciously make a woman feel drawn to a married man. Of course, the choice can also be fueled by surface-level factors such as:

• Physical attraction
• The thrill of forbidden sex with a married man
• Enjoying the attention
• Not wanting commitment

For some, such an affair can be a huge boost to self-esteem—especially in the case of women with low self-esteem. The fact that they can attract a man who is already in a committed relationship gives a high of a different kind. This can be a strong driving force behind a woman having an affair with a married man. For all the thrills of tasting the forbidden fruit, the reality is that it rarely ends well.

When push comes to shove and it’s time to choose, most married men will pick the stability of their married life over a heady romance with another woman. The odds are stacked against you that much more in the case of a married woman affair with a married man. Since both partners have so much at stake, such relationships rarely take off beyond that initial rush of exciting romance and mind-blowing sex with a married man that makes them feel young, desired, and vibrant all over again.

Related Reading: Dear Wife Of Cheating Husband, This Is Why I Don’t Feel Guilty

16 Complications Of An Affair With A Married Man

“An affair with a married man may seem adventurous and harmless. However, in the long run, it leads to a lot of heartache. An affair can only end in a failed marriage or a failed relationship, and broken hearts all around,” says Mallika. There is a lot of stigma around such relationships and very little to be gained.

Even if you’re dating a married man who is unhappy in his marriage, such relationships rarely have a future. Statistics also point out that only 5-7% of people actually leave their spouses for a long-term relationship/marriage with their affair partners. Another common fallout is having to deal with the psychological effects of being the other woman. Even though both partners are equally responsible for the affair, the blame for trying to break a family and ruining relationships falls on the other woman.

All of this is just the tip of the iceberg of the disadvantages of dating a married man or even falling in love with one. Let us go through the 16 such complications of having an affair with a married man. This may make you take a long and hard look at where getting involved with a married man looking for an affair could lead you:

1. He will never be available for you

As a man who has a wife and a family, he will spend most of his free time with them. You will be an hour squeezed in here or a text message there. You will never be his priority. On holidays and vacations, he will completely disappear from your life, not even text, because “What if she reads them?” 

Dating a married man rules are not for everyone. You have to accept and make peace with the boundaries he sets, even if that means feeling discarded, used, or like his dirty little secret. Marie, a New Yorker who ended up having an affair with a married man with kids, says, “He popped in and out of my life as he pleased. 

“If his wife and kids were away or occupied somewhere, we could spend a week together or go away for the weekend. When his family was in the picture, he’d go missing for days or weeks without any explanation. As I got attached to him, it became harder for me to deal with his unavailability. I had to call it quits.” Of course, these dynamics become even more complicated in case of an affair between two married people. 

2. You cannot make him meet your family and friends

An affair with a married man amounts to a secret relationship that you have to guard with your life. This element of secrecy is augmented manifold in the case of a married woman affair with a married man. Even if there are signs a married man is in love with you and he is the love of your life, you can not celebrate the relationship with your family or friends. How will you introduce him to your mother or father, to your younger sister or brother?

“Even if you succeed in convincing your parents, do you think he will be comfortable meeting them? Probably not. This relationship is doomed to be confined to the four walls of a hotel room or your apartment. Consider this when you’re tempted to have an affair with a married man,” says Dr. Bhonsle. 

3. He will not introduce you to his friends or relatives

Forget about him making you meet his friends or relatives, he probably won’t even want you to be his friend on social media. He will refrain from commenting on or liking your posts or tweets and will want you to do the same. You are the “other woman” in his life, and he will keep your relationship under wraps.

You will not be able to enjoy a movie in a popular theater or enjoy fancy dinner dates in restaurants his friends and family frequent. Protecting his married life will always take precedence over your feelings. It will feel like he is ashamed to be seen with you in public. The truth is that he is perhaps scared and ashamed of being with you.

“Always sneaking around and being hidden is one of the most heartbreaking aspects of an affair. Once the heady rush of being in love begins to fade away, the reality of dating a married man will begin to set in, and it’s not pretty,” says Mallika. That’s when breaking up with a married man and nursing a broken heart begins to seem like a better prospect than continuing the affair. 

4. You will never be introduced as his girlfriend or lover

Marsha, a successful young lawyer, ended up having an affair with a married man, a senior partner at her law firm, who was married with two kids. “I had an affair with a married man and it did not end well. My friends tried to warn me of the consequences, but I failed to notice the signs of infatuation and was naive enough to believe it was going to be different for me, for us. We were in love until we weren’t.

“The secrecy and the hide-and-seek began to take their toll on the relationship, slowly but surely. When he refused to go out to dinner on our first anniversary and suggested we order in instead, I knew the relationship was doomed to fail. I dumped him and haven’t looked back since,” she says.

One of the dangers of dating a married man is being spotted together by someone either of you know. If that happens, he won’t hesitate in passing you off as an acquaintance. Then, he will be nervous and lose all interest in the date. His mind will be on how to control the damage the “accident” has caused. Love yourself enough to say no to this.

You will be introduced as his friend, colleague, cousin, or someone else. This can be really disheartening since it can sap away your self-confidence, and leave you feeling unwanted. Some would argue that the damage you do to yourself is among the spiritual consequences of sleeping with a married man, made worse by the fact that he will hardly notice when you feel miserable. For him, covering up would be a priority.

Related Reading: The 9 Truths About Lifelong Extramarital Affairs

5. You will always play second fiddle to another woman

He may tell you that he loves you and would much rather spend his life with you but he has kids and responsibilities. That he is with his wife just for the kids is the oldest excuse in the cheaters’ playbook. The fact is that she is his wife, and in all probability, they are intimate physically and emotionally. His wife will always be his priority and he will always choose her over you. 

You will always play second fiddle to another woman. No matter how painful this sounds, those are the consequences of dating a married man. Even if you’re dating a married man who is unhappy in his marriage, he will never be yours to claim. 

6. He will never commit to the relationship

The chances of an affair with a married man leading to him leaving his wife for you are slim. Even if he promises that he will tell his wife and move out, he will keep dragging his feet. If you view his behavior dispassionately, you will be able to see the reality of dating a married man for what it is—grim and hopeless. 

“My wife is grieving the death of a loved one. This is not a good time.” “I have too much stress at work, I cannot deal with this now.” “My mother is not keeping well, I cannot do this to her now.” There will always be excuses. Even if there are clear signs a married man is in love with you and wants to be with you, remember the stakes are high and alimony laws are tough.

7. Hiding your relationship will become exhausting

The idea of keeping the relationship a secret for a few days or months is still manageable, meeting at your apartment or a hotel room may be thrilling at first, but after a point, you will get frustrated. He will never be comfortable with you at a restaurant or a coffee shop lest he gets spotted. But a weekend away in a resort where no one will know him will be okay.

The constant lies and secrecy, his last-minute cancellations because he has had a family emergency, and you having to duck down at a crossing because someone in the next car knows him, will get harder and harder to deal with as time passes by. Whether it’s an emotional affair or a purely sexual one, it can begin to take a toll on your mental health. “The constant secrecy and being hidden away from the world can make you start questioning your place in his life, and eventually chip away at your sense of self-worth. To protect yourself, you need to put yourself and your needs first,” advises Snigdha. 

Related Reading: Impact Of Astrology On Extramarital Affairs

8. The guilt of destroying a family will gnaw at you

One of the biggest disadvantages of dating a married man or being in a relationship is that your happiness rests on the destruction of someone else’s happily ever after. It’s not easy to live with the guilt and regret of breaking up a home. For this, you will question your sense of morality sooner or later. This stark reality will keep you up at night, gnawing at you, and hang over your relationship like a dark cloud. This is one of the spiritual consequences of sleeping with a married man that will affect you irrespective of whether he chooses you or the affair runs its course. 

9. The affair won’t find acceptance 

The thing about discreet affairs is that they rarely stay discreet or hidden for long. As and when people get to know about your relationship with a married man, you will have to face an ugly world. Snigdha tells us about a case she handled where a woman ended an affair with a married man because she couldn’t take the abuse and judgment people in his inner circle hurled at her. 

“The man moved out of his home to live with his affair partner. However, his friends and family did not accept her. He could visit them but without her. “That hurt like hell,” she told me in one of our therapy sessions. His teenage children posted the nastiest things on her social media. Her own family cut her out. All of this was too much for her to bear, and she decided to end the relationship,” she says. 

The complications of an affair with a married man can become unbearably nasty once the relationship is out in the open. Taking steps to legalize it doesn’t make the couple immune to societal ridicule. And the woman is often at the receiving end of most of this nastiness. 

10. You will feel lonely and depressed

One of the risks of dating a married man is an all-consuming sense of loneliness. He will never be by your side, whether in your good times or bad. You will begin to see the unfairness of the situation sooner or later. Think about it, you will be the one making sacrifices while he gets to have it all—an exciting romance and sex with you and the comfort of his wife’s arms at home. 

While you spend your weekends alone, he enjoys quality time with his wife. Eventually, this realization will make you feel depressed and dejected. The resentment stemming from it will take a toll on your relationship with your married partner. You may even begin to wonder if he is with you just for sex—and accuse him of it. Such doubts and insecurities are a common consequence of having sex with a married man.

11. You will have major trust issues

As a partner of a married man, you will never feel secure in the relationship. If could betray his wife’s trust, what’s to stop him from doing the same with you? This thought will haunt you and leave the relationship riddled with suspicion. Sharon, who ended an affair with a married man, says that constant lying from her affair partner led to her developing deep trust issues, and eventually drove them apart.

“He kept promising he would leave his wife but never did. This scarred me deeply and I carried those emotional wounds into my other relationships. I struggled to take what the other men said at face value. Being involved with a married man impeded my ability to form healthy, long-term relationships. It’s been six years, and I’m still single while he remains “happily married”,” she says, wryly. 

To this, Dr. Bhonsle says, “The emotional toll of affairs with married men can lead to women developing negative self-views as well as lasting trust issues and communication problems. They may not even realize it, but all of these factors can contribute to a person sabotaging any future relationships.”

12. You will miss your opportunity to meet the right man

One of the dangers of dating a married man is that you end up investing precious time in nurturing a dead-end relationship, and in the process, missing out on the opportunity of a meaningful connection with someone who is available—emotionally and otherwise—and interested in you. 

An affair with a married man will cost you that ring on your finger, someone to wake up with every morning or share a home with. You will spend some crucial years of your life waiting for the man to make you his priority, which might never happen.

Related Reading: Effects Of An Extramarital Affair On The Partner

13. You won’t have a partner who stands by you through thick and thin

A married man has his family, work, and a host of other responsibilities to shoulder. As a result, he may not be there to support you as you navigate the ups and downs of life, including the emotional upheaval brought on by the affair. Besides, one of the core characteristics of a man who cheats on his wife is that he is unable to tackle difficult situations. 

“Something that he thought was missing in his marriage, he sought in a relationship with you. In a sense, he took the shortcut rather than work through the problems in his marriage,” says Snigdha. Since he sees you as an escape from the grim realities of his life, he may not want to deal with yours. In fact, you may notice that he takes a step back whenever he feels the weight of your expectations in the relationship. Now, if this doesn’t leave you wondering how to stop dating a married man, we don’t know what will.  

14. Imagine a time when he is no longer interested in what you offer him

What if the relationship runs its course? It is one of the risks of dating a married man you cannot ignore. The excitement and the romance will become routine after a while. There is no commitment, and no shared goal and obligations. How difficult do you think it will be for him to cut you off from his life? 

When he does, you will be left grappling with heartbreak and a sense of betrayal while he’d go right back to his wife and family and go on as if nothing had happened. If you’re on the fence about whether breaking up with a married man is the right thing to do, just allow yourself to imagine what it’d feel like to have your heart stomped over and be discarded as if you meant nothing to him. You’ll have your answer. 

15. He holds all the power in the relationship

When you have an affair with a married man, the power dynamic in the relationship will always be skewed in his favor. If you disrespect his wishes, ask something of him, or simply state your expectations, he might just withdraw completely, sending out a clear message that you need to toe his line without asking for anything in return. Since he is less invested in the relationship, he has no reason to take your opinions, demands, or expectations seriously. Essentially you are an extra in his life, this may sound harsh, but it is the truth. 

16. There will be two set rules, one for him and another for you

Dating a married man rules are never fair and it will never be a partnership of equals. He will decide when you meet, when you talk, how you spend your time together. He may have the liberty to text, call, and fix dates as he pleases, but there will always be rules about when you can and cannot contact him. 

Even if it’s the case of a married woman having an affair with a married man, you may notice that while he expects you to respect his boundaries, he may not respect yours. He’d complain about his marriage or use his family commitments as an excuse to bail on you, you don’t have the same luxuries. There will be two sets of rules in this relationship, one for him and one for you. This may leave you feeling like your entire purpose is to please him.

Consequences Of Dating A Married Man

An affair with a married man is a recipe for disaster. You will be a temporary fixture in his life and will eventually end up feeling alone, neglected in the relationship, and used. Emotional dramas, the married man blaming you for the affair, his wife threatening to teach you a lesson, your family and friends feeling ashamed of you—all these are damaging consequences of dating a married man. 

Let’s not forget about all the potential long-term damage that extramarital affairs can cause. You might develop cripplingly low self-confidence because of all the sneaking around you’ll have to do, and you may develop major trust issues. More often than not, such affairs don’t lead anywhere and leave you with a lot of emotional baggage. 

You have to be emotionally strong to say no or end the affair. It will not be easy but if you hang in there, things will start looking up eventually. Once you have created the space, someone else will show up to occupy it. You will find the one who wants you as much as you want him. You have the right to a happy and healthy relationship, go ahead and seek it.

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