My Husband Yells At Me: Reasons And Expert Tips To Handle The Situation

Who likes to be yelled at? Nobody. It’s disrespectful, brings negative emotions, can be traumatizing for your self-worth, and damages the foundations of your marriage. Readers often tell us things such as, “My husband yells at me. It makes me angry/sad/go numb.” If you relate to this and often have questions such as, “Is yelling in a relationship abuse?”, the answer is ‘yes’. This behavior is a form of emotional abuse, and you are, under no circumstance, obliged to accept this.

There is no doubt that yelling is toxic in a relationship. You can walk away from the conversation or the relationship itself if it is taking a toll on your mental health and emotional well-being because nothing is more important than your peace of mind. To find out more about how to handle a yelling husband, we reached out to counseling psychologist Namrata Sharma (Master’s in Applied Psychology), who is a mental health and SRHR advocate and specializes in offering counseling for toxic relationships, trauma, grief, relationship issues, gender-based issues, and domestic violence. 

Why Does My Husband Yell At Me? 7 Possible Reasons

You might be having a hard time comprehending why your husband shouts at you often, or what is rubbing him the wrong way and causing him to react with such hostility. Maybe even wondering “My husband yells at me, what should I do?”  

Most of the time, the yelling isn’t about you, but about them. Here’s a common concern a Reddit user shared, “Is it normal/okay for your significant other to yell at you? I don’t know how to react when my spouse says hurtful things.” Below are some of the answers, as unfair and unjustified as they are: 

1. Stress

My friend Anya, who has been married for six years, said, “I want to know why my husband yells at me in public or when we’re alone. He was never like this, but now my husband snaps at me without warning. Something seems off with him, and his out-of-the-blue yelling makes me anxious. I shut down when my husband yells at me, what should I do?” 

One of the reasons husbands yell at their wives is stress (though that’s certainly not an excuse to yell and make you feel scared). A person who is stressed goes through many emotions. They may feel going through, frustration, anger issues, and anxiety.

This could be a way for him to cope with the stress, but this momentary escape may become a regularity every time he is stressed. We ask Namrata the burning question, “Is yelling a pattern?” She says, “Yelling can possibly be a pattern if your husband frequently indulges in it. As the yelling increases, so does the aggression and anger.”

2. Communication issues 

There can hardly be any positive effects of husband yelling at wife. Developing healthy communication skills is important to save a relationship from such issues. Namrata says, “The central reason behind your husband yelling at you could be miscommunication or lack of communication. The husband feels that his wife is either not able to comprehend where he’s coming from or doesn’t care for establishing mutual understanding about his side of things.

“Communication problems in relationships are quite common. A husband’s yelling could come out of feeling misunderstood or not heard. He probably feels as if his wife isn’t interested in having a conversation with him. This frustrates him and he resorts to yelling. He raises his voice in order to get her attention. But that’s when things take a different turn. The partner feels disrespected and responds by getting defensive. It is not uncommon to yell during arguments. If you want to stop a yelling husband, first try and assess the communication issues that could be causing his behavior.”

Related Reading: “My Husband Misinterprets Everything I Say” – 17 Tips To Help You

3. They are going through intense emotions

What does it mean when your husband yells at you? It could mean that they are going through a host of emotions and psychological effects they aren’t able to endure. A user on Reddit shares, “Yelling is usually a sign that someone doesn’t feel listened to, and/or is experiencing some intense emotion. If my wife or I start talking louder, that’s usually a cue to the other to slow down, take a breath, and ask: what is really happening here?”

The next time you are wondering “Why does my husband yell at me?”, ask him what he is feeling at that moment. Excessive yelling can also be an indicator of poor mental health or issues with well-being. You may also be in the same boat and thinking “I’m struggling because my husband blames his yelling on me.” Whether it’s a lack of regulating emotional reactions or mental health issues, it is advisable to seek professional help for both of you. 

Related Reading: My Husband Loves Me But Not Sexually: 10 Women Share Their Stories

4. Lack of purpose in life

If you’re wondering, “Is yelling a pattern?”, it may not be the case. More often than not it’s a symptom of extreme emotional distress. These angry outbursts could be because of societal pressures and expectations. You need to have a degree at a certain age, then get a job, get married, have children, take care of your parents, and so on and so forth. Maybe all this is making him go through self-doubt and question his purpose. But this is no justification for his actions that leave you saying, “I wonder why my husband screams at me.” He needs some self-love tips to regain his self-esteem and confidence.

If this is the answer, help him find out what he wants to do with his life. If your next thought is naturally “My husband yells at me if I ask him questions”, then there are other ways to go about it. One way to do that is by suggesting you try out a bunch of different things together to get him to open up. Try any new activity or help him get back to his childhood hobbies. 

5. They want to dominate the conversation 

Some people often wonder “Is yelling in a relationship abuse?” Maybe not, if it was a one-time thing that never happened again. But if it is a new yet continuous pattern, it can very well be about emotional control. Namrata says, “And finally, by yelling at his wife, the husband is trying to dominate the conversation. Many men do this, and it’s nothing new. He is trying to overpower his wife by raising his voice. He is just being a bully and trying to have the upper hand in the relationship. But let’s make one thing clear: constant yelling by a partner can never lead to a healthy relationship.”

Andrea, my friend from Yoga class, shared her struggle. She said, “He has never liked displays of love or tried to stimulate vulnerability in the relationship. I’ve thought about it a lot and tried to figure out why my husband yells at me when I cry. His deep-rooted fear of intimacy and an inability to empathize are the only answers I could come up with,” shares Andy. Yelling is a form of disrespect. It is intimidation tactics in the relationship that shouldn’t be tolerated or accepted without behavioral changes.

Related Reading: 7 Signs Of Narcissistic Relationship Pattern And How To Avoid Them

6. The environment in which he grew up

Frequent yelling in relationships can be influenced by early experiences and conditioning from primary caregivers during childhood. We often find our readers write to us, “I wonder why my husband yells at me!” Well, it may be because he grew up in an environment where yelling was a common form of communication. This probably led him to replicate that in your relationship. Healthy open communication only happens if both partners want to improve on it.

So if you’re surprised and are googling “What does it mean when your husband yells at you?”, Namrata says, “He could also be trying to create fear in you by yelling at you, just like a parent yells at their child to discipline them. Yelling becomes a pattern when there is a lot of disturbance in the relationship.” If you are constantly complaining, “My husband yells at me in front of my child”, then there are chances your children might grow up and act the same way, or fall victim to such behavior in their future relationships.

7. Misogyny

The simple reason behind your problem if you’re always complaining, “My husband screams at me”, could just be that some men hold a deep-rooted misogynist attitude toward women. They feel entitled to shout, dictate, degrade, and control their wives. They may consider it to be their right and responsibility to use means like yelling to keep women in check. We’re not saying your husband screams at you because he thinks he’s entitled to and we understand that this is a serious thing to consider. But we also believe in leaving no stone unturned.

According to a UN study, the percentage of men with some sort of bias against women grew from 89.4% between 2004 and 2009 to 89.9% between 2010 and 2014. So it is safe to say that even in this woke era, misogyny is more widespread than we imagine it to be.

Related Reading: How To Watch Out For The Relationship Red Flags – Expert Tells You

9 Expert Ways To Stop Your Husband From Yelling At You

Disagreements and arguments are common even in intimate relationships, but frequent yelling can strain the relationship dynamics between the partner who yells and the one facing the obnoxious music. Why do I cry when my husband yells at me, you ask? According to a study, wives who experienced social sabotage reported an increase in overwhelming emotional rush and a decrease in health over the 5 years of the study. “I shut down when my husband yells at me” is the most common response to yelling among the wives.

Namrata says, “Yelling comes under the category of verbal, emotional, and even domestic physical abuse. It is very common for yelling to happen in relationships. However, it is important to understand the dynamics of abuse in a relationship. if the yelling is because of trivial reasons or happens very frequently, then it’s one of the alarming signs you are being verbally abused.” Now that you know the answer if you’re googling “Why my husband yells at me”, let’s find out how to stop a yelling husband…

Related Reading: Conditional Love In A Relationship: What Does It Mean? Signs And Examples

1. Try starting a casual discussion 

“This is the first step you need to take if your husband frequently yells at you. Establish good communication between you and your husband. Your conversations don’t have to be anything deep or meaningful. See if your husband is in a good mood and strike up a conversation about what has been on his mind recently,” Namrata advises.

When both of you are in a good mood, better ideas start flowing in and you understand each other’s perspectives in healthy ways. This is how to handle a yelling husband. Have a light conversation about his perspective on underlying issues like emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and low self-esteem. She adds, “Stay calm and let him know that you have been at the receiving end of his constant yelling and screaming. Let him know that you feel disconnected and that you both need to communicate to find each other again.” 

2. Have cooling-off periods

You may be left feeling overwhelmed wondering “Why does my husband blame his yelling on me?” The first thing you can do is focus on calming down with some deep breathing.  Namrata says, “When you feel like the argument is getting out of your hands and the yelling and put-downs are too much to take, walk away. His yelling (and your yelling in return) is only going to make matters worse. If it gets heated any further, it will wreak havoc and the cycle will continue.”

My sister was in an emotionally draining marriage. All hell broke loose when she came home one day with her bags packed. She said, “I can’t take it anymore. My husband yells at me in front of his family.” We were shocked at first because her husband was always loving when he was around us. 

If you’re going through the same thing with your partner, make sure you both take a pause and put a pin on the issue for later, when your family members are not around. Set boundaries and try to ask for professional help before the situation escalates into a domestic abuse issue. It is one of the best coping tools to help with managing your husband’s controlling behavior.

Related Reading: 15 Ways To Solve Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up

3. Identify the problem

Alex, a reader from LA writes, “We are all quite driven to find love, affection, and warmth. It’s one of our attempts to be happy. When that happiness is threatened by yelling, constant conflicts, and a lack of communication in a marriage, isn’t it important to resolve such issues? I don’t understand why my husband yells at me all the time without even realizing the impact of this behavior. Yelling and other verbally charged attacks can turn into emotional abuse too often.

Namrata says, “Once you have made your partner understand that something is lacking in his communication, make him understand that it’s causing a lot of problems in the relationship dynamic. Both of you need to spend time to understand, identify, and handle the conflict. He might get offended by this and may try to maintain his stance by putting up walls around him. Here are a few questions you can ask him to help identify the root cause of his short temper and stop yelling:

• Is there something specific that triggers your aggressive reactions?
• How do you feel before and after you become aggressive?
• Have you experienced similar behavior of verbal abuse in the past, either from yourself or from others?
• Do you feel like your needs or boundaries are being disregarded or violated?
• Are there any underlying stressors, psychological effects, or unresolved issues that might be contributing to your aggression?

Ways to stop your husband from yelling at you

4. Accept the problem 

Namrata says, “When your husband finally reveals the root cause behind his anger, and let’s say the problem is related to you, have an open mind and try to understand everything from his point of view. This is not the time to get offended by what he’s saying and start an argument again.”

Maybe he doesn’t like a certain habit of yours and it rubs him the wrong way. This is where a lot of acceptance is needed. Here are a few things you can do:

• Instead of walking on eggshells around each other, accept the issue. If your husband screams at you again, maybe there’s no way to break that pattern. 
• Try to understand what he’s saying and don’t get defensive about anything. 
• Let him vent his heart out. 

The effects of a husband yelling at wife don’t always have to be negative.

Related Reading: 6 Reasons A Guy Ignores You After A Fight And 5 Things You Can Do

5. Make him realize it’s affecting your kids

If the thought, “My husband yells at me in front of my child” has raised concerns about your child’s well-being, make him realize how traumatizing this irrational aggression is for kids. When parents yell at each other, it impacts the child’s brain development. It even leads to depression at times. That’s how serious it is. Yelling is toxic in a relationship, as it is verbal abuse not just for the couple but for their kids as well.

Namrata says, “When the child is just six months old, they register the distress between parents. Living with toxic parents can have a massive impact on the child’s development. So, don’t think just because your child is a kid, they won’t know what a hostile environment is. Kids never get used to parents yelling at each other or at them, no matter how old or young they are. It is always harmful.” 

One of my friends, Cathy, faced a similar issue when her husband continued to yell at her when she was expecting. She called me up and almost broke down as she related her experience: “I keep wondering why my husband yells at me when I am pregnant! What can I do to prevent this?” 

Well, in such cases, you need to make your husband understand that the distress caused by his rage and aggression can also affect the well-being of your unborn child. A study states that a fetus is highly vulnerable and sensitive to pain and stress, and exposure to yelling can have a negative impact on your child’s physical health. If not checked in time, it can turn into full-blown domestic violence.

Related Reading: 15 Expert Tips To Stop Being Toxic In A Relationship

6. Try to be patient 

Claire, a reader from Michigan, raised a very interesting issue. She wrote, “I have a history of being anxious, unattentive, and impatient. Is this why my husband yells at me? He often says I respond before hearing him out.”

Namrata says, “This is going to demand a lot of patience from you. It will even drain you. But if you love this person and want to be with him, then being patient with them is how you fight it together. Breaking a pattern isn’t easy, and it won’t happen overnight. Set ground rules and look after your mental health as well. Once you see a little bit of change, you will start appreciating your husband for trying to stop yelling. Show your husband this change as well. Tell him his efforts are acknowledged. The more you acknowledge, the more he will be motivated to better himself for the sake of this marriage.” 

If you ask yourself “Why do I cry when my husband yells at me?” Or “How can I avoid emotionally reacting when my husband yells at me?”, you need to find ways to be patient in a relationship. Here are a few grounding techniques you can try to stay patient when you’re being yelled at:

• Take deep breaths and count to ten to help stay calm
• Remind yourself that his yelling may not be about you, but about his own frustrations or triggers
• Focus on active listening, even if you disagree with what he’s saying., Try to bridge the gap in your emotional distance
• Set boundaries and communicate assertively about your own needs and sensitive topics, calmly expressing how his yelling affects you

7. Tell him he is seen, heard, and loved

If you are always complaining “My husband yells at me if I ask him questions”, the reason could be that he felt unheard when he actually wanted to feel heard the most. Now he is just rebelling by ineffectively projecting his resentment toward feeling invalidated. It is important to recognize this possibility and cater to your partner’s needs and emotional state even when they aren’t able to express them appropriately. We suggest taking steps to encourage healthy communication. Here are a few things you can do before it turns into emotional abuse:

• Try some romantic gestures that non-verbally communicate that you care and value him
• Cook his favorite meals as a surprise
• Take him out for dinner
• Get things for him that he values as gifts
• Practice empathy and shower him with words of affirmation

Related Reading: 23 Signs Of Emotional Invalidation In A Relationship

8. Encourage him to go to therapy

Namrata says, “Yelling and verbal abuse can cause a lot of mental trauma and stress to the receiver, which can lead to a lot of problems in the future. In many cases, this can lead to depression. What people fail to realize is that the one who is doing the yelling suffers too. Yelling as a reaction to stressors takes a physical and emotional toll on the one who yells and the one being yelled at.”

Although it is not unusual to yell during arguments, if it becomes a habit, encouraging your husband to seek professional help will help him understand himself better. He will be better equipped to regulate his emotions. Do this for sure, as you deserve to feel safe. Bonobology’s panel of experts consists of skilled and experienced counselors who can help him understand himself better and work toward regulating his emotions better.

Our reader Lava, a scuba diver from Atlanta, said, “My husband yells at me in public and in private. It doesn’t matter where we are. And I always end up crying like a baby. I kept asking myself why my husband yells at me when I cry. Does he feel no remorse about how it makes me feel? With time, I could see it taking a toll on him too. Last year, we started therapy and he realized that his habit of yelling was a result of his childhood environment. Since he started understanding himself better, he has found better ways to respond to triggers.”

Related Reading: 9 Ways To Fix A Broken Marriage And Save It

9. Tell him you won’t take it anymore

Yelling in anger is not an easy thing to deal with. If he resorts to name-calling and snide remarks, for the sake of your self-worth, you need to tell him you’ve had enough. You should get away before it turns into a domestic abuse situation. If you’re at the point where you tell yourself, “If my husband snaps at me one more time, it’s over”, it’s already time you stepped back.  As a last resort, ask him to get better if he wants a happy future with you. 

Namrata says, “It’s okay to be in a relationship as long as the person is trying to get better. But if there seems to be no change, be it unintentionally or intentionally, you need to tell him you won’t take it anymore.

“You can’t be in a relationship where yelling is a pattern. How long can you handle a yelling husband? Not too long before your mental health reaches a dark place, and that’s when you know it’s time to break up. If you are saying, “My husband yells at me in front of his family,” maybe he has seen this behavior normalized in his childhood. This is how he projects his anger, and you end up walking on eggshells around him to avoid provoking him in any way. Make your husband realize that you don’t deserve to be yelled at, and if it continues, you might have to consider leaving him.

Your husband may get angry, use hurtful words, or yell once in a while, because, after all, we are all humans and we can’t always handle our emotions rationally. Sometimes, the anger gets the better of us. But if this is happening every other day, and your husband doesn’t care about making any efforts to change it, then this is nothing short of verbal and emotional abuse.

When your husband shouts at you, it’s an unpleasant situation to be in. Here are a few numbers to keep on speed dial for a safety plan in case of more alarming warning signs. If your husband’s yelling is getting out of hand and you feel you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

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