I’d always wondered why people had crushes after being so happily married. But then when I got married I understood how this crush on someone works out. I realised it’s possible to be married and have a crush on someone else and sometimes it can even make a marriage stronger.
I’ve been happily married for two years to the love of my life. We dated for 10 years before we tied the knot. Belonging to different castes, we had to fight it out before getting permission from our parents. Knowing each other for over a decade now, we know each other’s secrets and fantasies very well.
As told to Aabha Singh-Shah
Can A Married Woman Have A Crush On Another Man?
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Yes you can be married and have a crush on someone. Let me tell my story then you will know what I mean. After all the problems we faced from our parents about getting married starting a business together was our super-secret plan because we wanted to show our parents that we are meant for each other, and we can work better with each other.
This was our plan in motion for three years before we got hitched, finally! While planning our business setup, we met a mentor who helped us through the setting up of the office, getting clients and further marketing details. I was mesmerised by his ingenuity, poise, thought process, and foremost, how his brain worked out the calculations.
Related Reading:Â How Can I Fall In Love With Someone Else When I Am Happily Married?
Though I love my husband, I was drawn towards this man and his intelligence.
Nothing could stop me liking him more every day. I did not feel that something was amiss that my attention was going to another man.
I was married but my crush admitted he likes me too
This man started responding to my queries with flattery and soon he confessed that he likes me too. I knew that this was wrong. Having a crush/liking someone shouldn’t make me feel uncomfortable, but then he was married too.
Now when it was out in the open, the feeling was kind of suffocating and exhilarating, at the same time. I was married and had a crush on someone and I revelled in the euphoria.
The exhilaration made me happy and think that it’s all right to like someone, it’s all right to admire someone. After that we only grew closer to each other, spending time working out marketing and sales, while spending time with each other.
It did make me feel guilty at times, like I’m doing something wrong and this needs to end here. Anything further than this can result in a mess for both of us. What to do if you are married and have a crush on someone else? I was totally confused but I felt I needed to tell my husband about it.
I decided to confess about my crush to my husband
I don’t know what attracts a married woman to someone else but I could feel that the whole situation could go out of hand. One day I felt I should tell my husband about this, just the part that I admire our mentor a bit more than I show. I’d already told him about my liking, but never told him how much it was. I decided to confess about my feelings.
I’ve never kept anything from him, never a secret that keeps crushing me from within. So, one day I gathered my courage and told my dear husband about it.
He listened to the whole story and freaked out. I wasn’t expecting anything less, but his reaction left me numb. He vanished for a few hours and I searched for him everywhere. Maybe knowing each other for over a decade seemed less to understand me; this shattered me from within. Here I was, thinking of coming clean to him, and it backfired.
My husband’s reaction made me feel terrible but he came around
After a few hours he returned and we talked about the situation. He said that he understands that it’s normal to have a crush on someone at some point. From that moment my marriage became stronger. My husband understood my feelings and did not judge me for being married and for crushing on someone else.
He just felt jealous to know that I liked someone other than him, after so many years. I couldn’t believe what he just said and all I felt was grateful to him for understanding me, and not abandoning me at this hour. Our marriage became stronger and at that point I actually thought maybe crushes are good for marriages.
Together we decided that whatever happens, we shouldn’t hide things from each other that can ruin our marriage. I am married and I have a crush on someone else but that should not affect our relationship.
My crush said he felt he was betraying his wife
Later that week, I met the other man and told him what happened. He said that he too felt like he was betraying his wife, but it was an old feel with a new zeal.
Like, he is back to his younger days and felt refreshed to have talked to someone who likes what he likes, someone with so many similar interests.
The whole crush situation did make me feel like a giddy schoolgirl and I still do admire our mentor. Sometimes, just sometimes, I think, what would have happened if I didn’t stop where I stopped? What would have been the situation right now? Where would we both have been in our marriages?
Then I come to the conclusion that it was meant to make my bond stronger with my life partner and we started with a renewed trust in each other. Can a married woman have a crush on someone? Yes, I will tell you from my experience that it is possible. I fell for someone else despite being in love with my husband.
Can a crush be good for a marriage? It could be if it makes your bond stronger and helps you rebuild trust. But I don’t know what would have happened if my husband had not been so patient and understanding.
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There is logic behind crush. When one marries a partner, our partner will tick some boxes with his/her qualities. Some he/she will not have. It could be beauty, personal traits or intellectual traits etc. Now if the spouse is happy and content with what he/she has got in his/her spouse, can appreciate and have gratitude for what he/she got in his/her partner, crush will not be developed when they come across other people but they have only respect for what others got but not crush. But if the spouse is not satisfied with what he/she got in her partner, then the spouse develops crush for other person for what he/she does not see in his/her partner. Second point is for the mentor it is just routine what he is doing & that is what his skill and related to his qualification and work experience. Nothing great. There are so many mentors like him. But for her it is something amazing because she never come across such persons. Had the mentor wife was also partly involved in some way, she would have appreciated this ladys husband more than her own husband because he was trying to set-up a new business with such an leadership skills which mentor is lacking.It could be. Most of the times crush will lead affairs/one night/day stands because , crush will push person to experience passion with crush and eventually end up in bed with fulfuling lust. Then realization strikes , life becomes miserable. Also developing crush on other person can make oneself getting into dissatisfaction over the period because ur partner lack those qualities and can impact relationship. Another time when crush comes is when a person thinks he/she loves their spouse but they confuse fulfilling responsibility is the love. Fulfilling responsibilities like cooking food, nursing partner when in hospital, paying bills so on …. etc can arise from love or can arise from obligation of marriage.For eg when in hospital, nurse takes care of person very well in some hospitals. Does she has love ? No, it has come from obligation of patient. Her husband might not have expressed because he loved her whole heartedly unlike his wife, but he is sure to have in mind that– his wife can /capacity to love many people (Polyamorous/sapiosexual) , he may be one among many & he is vulnerable to cheating either emotional or physical by his wife at anypoint of time during the course of life and he must have accepted it is his destiny. What if it happens in reverse way? There are beautiful, confident & charming women than his wife, right. What the lady would do if her husband gets attracted to a woman who exhibits lot of leadership or corporate skills which his wife lacks and falls for third person ? What would be her thought process? Will she justify or abandon or encourage ? God knows? Good thing is that she stopped it before inflicting pain on many innocent lives & damaging the current relationship. May God bless her always wiser sense.
As you said crush develops based on certain qualities of opposite sex. As long as u are not crossing boundaries it is not an issue. However, if u don’t respond to it properly, it has potential of leading into affair or intimacy. Best way to handle is
1. Recognize the qualities opposite sex has to which you are attracted and list them.
2. Recognize the best qualities in your husband and list them.
3. Tell yourself that your husband has so many best qualities which other guy most likely not be having and drill this into ylur mind whenever u some across him.
4. List out most romantic moments and best affectionate incidents which your hubby showed on you. Could be holding your hands when you were in hospital, waiting for you to pick up in a rainy day etc.
5. Whenever u come across the other guy say to your mind Oh this guy has few good qualities for which I will have respect him but nothing more. But my hubby has many qualities and the love for me . Keep saying this. After couple of times mind will call down and will never drive you crazy.
Basically Crush is driven by mind with sudden source of feelings which need to be counteracted by intelligence only
That’s what the rational thinking says. But I am seeing them work towards building more trust and reliving things that had brought them close in the first place. I can see the present and it seems good. Don’t know what future holds.
It will definitely not be easy for any of the partner to live with each other with such situation. Coz it will suck the brain that your partner has lost interest in you.
Develop respect for good qualities he has rather than crush. Crush is like surge of emotions suddenly thrown by the mind. These are like passing clouds but you have to withstand the temptation. if one succumbs, leads to affair or one night/day stand. Then it will do irreparable damage to the marriage and loyal spouse has to carry feelings of betreyal,shame,mistrust,guilt etc for lifelong and may loose trust in relationships. Cheating while staying in marriage is heneous than murdering.