Dealing with the end of a relationship can be a painful ordeal, especially when your thoughts keep drifting back to your ex. Whether the breakup is recent or you’re still struggling with the hurt months later, these persistent thoughts might hinder your ability to move on. At this point, it is normal to spend your time trying to figure out how to stop thinking about your ex.

By adopting the right techniques, you can come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over and finally free yourself from the past. We’re here to help get that process started for you, in consultation with psychologist Jyoti Dadlani (M.Sc in Psychology), who is a relationship management expert. She says, “If you’re mentally trapped in a former relationship, it’s like being stuck in a never-ending pendulum that will hurt you on every side you swing. It will keep haunting you and throw off your momentum every time you try to find your way out.”

Why Do I Still Think About My Ex? 11 Possible Reasons

Breaking up is undeniably challenging, and it doesn’t end with the conversation itself. Depending on the depth of your emotional connection with the person, you may find thoughts of them lingering in your mind for days, weeks, months, or even years. We may even find ourselves reminiscing about what we perceive as a ‘perfect’ connection. It may seem like a never-ending loop that you can’t get out of. That’s when questions like, “Why am I obsessed with my ex?” or “Why do I still think about my ex every day?” start weighing on your mind. Here are 11 possible explanations to why you can’t stop thinking about your ex:

1. You miss how they made you feel and the person you were with them

After a breakup, it’s common to yearn for the emotional connection you once had with your ex-partner. However, the truth is that you miss the version of yourself from that past relationship more than your ex. Each relationship and partner influences our personalities and behaviors in different ways. You might have been more carefree with your ex, but now you find yourself being more cautious. Or maybe you had an amazing sexual compatibility with your ex, which is why the “I can’t stop thinking about my ex sexually” feelings are recurrent.

Jyoti explains, “One of the reasons you can’t keep the obsessive thinking at bay is because you are not happy or content with the way your life is going. Maybe you are overwhelmed or in a trying situation and you are reminded of your former partner because they supported you during such difficult times.”

It is possible to miss your ex because they taught you valuable life lessons or had a deep impact on your personal growth. You find yourself looking at the relationship with rose-tinted glasses and you think about those lessons when you encounter similar situations now.

Related Reading: Men vs Women – 5 Differences In How They Handle A Breakup

2. You didn’t get any closure

The inability to move on after a breakup can be due to unresolved issues from the past. Lingering feelings of guilt, anger, regret, or pain might be holding you back from getting over your ex, especially if you didn’t receive any closure after the breakup. Seeking explanations and trying to understand the reasons behind the breakup is common, but unfortunately, closure is not always guaranteed.

The lack of it can cause distress and make you look for explanations and replay old memories, resulting in ongoing thoughts about your ex. The absence of closure hinders the process of acceptance and emotional peace. It’s even natural to have occasional flashbacks of memories when doing things with a new partner that were once shared with the ex.

3. You have obsessive thoughts about your ex because you miss them and want them back

“I want to talk to her again.” “I wonder if he thinks about me.” “Why am I obsessed with my ex?” – If you’ve been asking yourself these questions, then you might genuinely miss your ex and want them back in your life. Even if a significant amount of time has passed or you’re in a new relationship and you still find yourself missing them (and not just thinking about your ex once in a while—that’s completely normal), it could be because what you had with them might be difficult to let go of or replicate with someone else. Maybe you think that the breakup was a mistake which is why you want to reconcile with your ex-partner, making it harder for you to get over them and move on in life.

Related Reading: 19 Dos And Don’ts After A Breakup

4. You’ve not cut them out of your life yet

“Why do I still think about my ex all the time?” It’s probably because you’re still in touch with them. If you’ve been constantly asking yourself this question, the answer probably lies in your phone or social media. Do you do any of these things?

• Follow their social media accounts
• Text or call them regularly
• Meet them, even if it’s with your common friends
• Keep tabs on what’s happening in their lives

Yes, ex-partners can be friends. But if you’ve just broken up or still have feelings for them, you need space and time to process your emotions and get past them before you can even consider being friends. Staying in touch before you get to that point will prevent you from reflecting on the relationship and getting through this big change in your life, especially if your ex moved on fast and you’re in a “seeing my ex with someone else kills me every time” zone.

5. You are lonely and miss being in a relationship

“Why am I thinking about my ex all of a sudden?” “Why am I suddenly missing my ex after 10 months of no contact?” Why is it that I can’t stop thinking about my ex sexually?” “Maybe because it’s been a while since your relationship ended and you feel lonely,” says Jyoti. You miss being in a relationship and the companionship, intimacy, and security that comes with it.

Finding oneself caught in the thoughts of one’s ex is not uncommon, especially when there’s a fear of being single and you’re wondering, “Will I be alone forever?” If you were in a relationship for a considerable period of time, then returning to singlehood can be scary. To cope with this fear and fill the void in your life, you may find yourself frequently thinking about your ex. Juhi adds, “It is also possible that you see a friend or someone you know being romantically involved, and their love reminds you of your ex.”

Related Reading: 11 Tips To Deal With Loneliness After Breakup And Find Support

6. You’re still healing from the breakup

One of the very reasons why you’re experiencing lingering feelings for your ex could be that you are still healing from the trauma of a painful breakup. Breakups can cast a shadow of gloom over the best of us and leave us feeling dejected and hopeless. When everything around you feels grim, your ex can seem like a beacon of hope that you hold on to out of the fear of getting completely lost.  

Yes, it can be a dark place to be in emotionally but know that this pain and angst is part of the process and you must not rush yourself through it. Give it time, and this too shall pass. But until then, your mind may be gripped with thoughts of your ex.

7. You jumped into a new relationship too soon

If you start dating too soon after a breakup, it can prevent you from healing your old wounds and moving on from your past relationship. Sharing her experience,a Reddit user, who started dating just weeks after her breakup, says, “For about the past month, however, I have been having a lot of feelings for my ex and not too many for my current boyfriend. I truly do care for my current boyfriend, but I feel like there are a lot of unresolved feelings for my ex.” 

Related Reading: Starting A New Relationship? Here are 21 Do’s and Don’ts To Help

8. You have mutual friends

Figuring out how to stop thinking about your ex can get a lot harder when you have common friends who know all about the goings on in your ex’s life. Even if you’ve snapped all contact with your ex, knowing you can just turn to your friends for updates on their life can keep you stuck in the past. Besides, seeing mutual friends with whom you and your ex spent time together might bring up memories of your ex and prevent you from moving on. It may be helpful to limit your contact with mutual friends or take a break from socializing with them for a while.

Jyoti says, “Spending time with mutual friends after a breakup can create an awkward situation, and it can not only bring back memories of your ex more often but also might make you feel guilty around them. Try to cut them out and make new friends with whom you can make new memories and start your journey of healing and happiness.”

9. You shared many first experiences with them

You likely have a lot of pleasant shared experiences with your ex. These might include your first kiss, first dance, or first sexual encounter. They may have introduced you to new activities like cooking or hiking, which have now become an integral part of your personality. These memories can never be replicated in a new relationship.

So you are constantly reminded of them whenever you engage in these activities. If you’ve been grappling with the question, “Why do I still think about my ex?”, it may well be because there is just so much history between you two and/or special memories that are hard to forget. 

10. You made a significant investment in them

You may have invested a lot in your ex emotionally, which may be one reason why it’s difficult to let them go. From building a relationship with them to planning a future together, and sharing your hopes and dreams, there is so much of yourself you invest in fostering a bond with a partner. When a relationship ends, you not only lose a partner but also the hopes and dreams of an imagined future with them. This can make it harder to stop thinking about your ex and move on.  

Related Reading: What To Do When You Miss Your Ex? Expert Tips To Ease The Pain

11. You’ve made them your goal

Perhaps, you convinced yourself that if you could become the person they want you to be, you would reunite one day. Maybe you keep telling yourself, “I still love my ex who dumped me. I will do whatever it takes to get them back.” You’ve made getting back at your ex your goal, and you are working on changing yourself for them. Not for your own benefit but to win back your ex. 

Unfortunately, this is a really unhealthy outlook that can damage your sense of self and self-esteem. When you make someone the pivot around which your entire life revolves, it can be extremely hard to accept reality if things don’t pan out the way you’d hoped. That’s when thoughts about an ex can turn into an unhealthy obsession that may push you to do things you didn’t even know you were capable of. 

Related Reading: 40 Loneliness Quotes When You’re Feeling All Alone

15 Expert-Backed Tips To Stop Thinking About Your Ex

Is there a way to block an ex from your mind? While it’s not possible to entirely forget a person who was once an integral part of your life, you can certainly move past any feelings you have for them and get to a point where they pop up in your mind as a memory of a time gone by, once in a blue moon, and not be an all-consuming presence in your mind. You think of them, the thought passes by, and you get on with whatever it is you were doing, without it turning you into an emotional wreck. Sounds too good to be true? 

Well, it is possible to get to this stage and we’re here to help you figure out how. A study, for instance, suggests that reframing your thoughts about your ex in a negative light, accepting your emotions, and engaging in distracting activities can be effective methods to stop dwelling on your past relationship and find closure. Let’s take a look at how you can practice this in your life. Here are some of the best ways to get over an ex:

1. Take your time to grieve

Well, there’s no fixed timeline but the first step toward getting over your ex is taking your time to grieve, acknowledge, and accept what has happened. Jyoti says, “There has to be an acceptance that the person or the relationship was not right for you, which is why it did not work. Acceptance is the first step in the healing journey.”

Ending a relationship can be challenging. When you invest your emotional, physical, and spiritual energy into something, its ending can take a massive toll on you, which is why you need time to process the loss and your feelings. It’s essential to recognize these emotions, allow yourself to grieve, and take all the time needed to heal. You could:

• Take a few days off work
• Spend time alone to understand your emotions
• Cry as much as you want
• Journal about it every day
• Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re experiencing without judgment

A breakup can feel like the loss of a loved one, and it’s all right to mourn this loss. Emotions should not be dismissed or ignored; instead, confront them without judgment to facilitate the healing process. Suppressing thoughts and feelings may intensify them. Embrace your emotions if you want to move on in life.

Related Reading: How To Erase Memories After A Breakup

2. Snap all contact with your former partner

Establishing a no-contact rule is one of the best ways to get over your ex. Go cold turkey. Out of sight, out of mind. Our best tip on how to avoid your ex is by blocking them everywhere—no phone calls, text messages, social media, meeting up, seeing their photos, or going to places you know they visit often. Remove their contact information from your phone. When you feel indifferent toward a person, that’s the beginning of moving on and true closure. Until then, it’s essential to keep your ex out of your life, both physically and virtually. For this, blocking exes is usually essential, at least for a few months.

Jyoti says, “Block your ex from all social media handles because the more you see the person, the more you will want to know about their personal life. It’s a natural human tendency, which is why the no-contact rule is important. Once you’ve done that, keep yourself busy and engaged in activities. It is one of the most important tips on how to stop thinking about your ex during no-contact periods.”

Keeping in touch with your ex can aggravate the painful feelings you’ve been experiencing since the breakup, so stop contacting your ex if you want to get over it and move on. Establishing this boundary creates a necessary distance between you and that person. A few tips on how to stop thinking about your ex during no-contact:

• Focus on your career
• Exercise regularly and stay physically active
• Channel all your emotions and energy into art – this is a unique and practical tip on how to stop thinking about your ex
• Catch up with your friends (stay away from mutual friends for a while)
• Go for a spa session or create one at home for yourself
• Get back to your favorite hobby or pick a new one

Related Reading: 5 Signs The No-Contact Rule Is Working

3. Getting rid of reminders is one of the best ways to get over your ex

Are you still holding on to the reminders from your relationship? If you are, it may be time to bid farewell to these material possessions, especially if you’re trying to figure out how to get over an ex you still love. Packing up these reminders and disposing of them will help you move on from your past relationship. While holding onto these items might provide temporary comfort, it can also prolong the pain of letting go and affect your healing process.

A reader emailed us, “I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I still sleep in an old t-shirt of his and keep wishing he was with me. Why is this happening even months after we broke up and how do I move on?” Jyoti answers, “If you hold on to their belongings or relationship souvenirs or even memories like their favorite restaurants or the places you would visit together, you will continue to experience obsessive thoughts about your ex-partner. This will make it all the more difficult for you to let go of your ex, which is why it is best to get rid of all shared reminders. It brings up the past and you don’t really want that at the moment.”

4. Practice self-love and self-care

Healing from the pain of being hurt by someone takes time and requires a lot of self-love and care. Making time for yourself, just as you would for your ex, can help clear your mind and provide a sense of self-fulfillment. Create a calendar of activities you enjoy doing alone or with loved ones, and set aside time slots to engage in each of them. Surround yourself with people who are positive and uplifting.

Jyoti says, “If you’re struggling to figure out how to stop thinking about your ex, a change of pace can help. Plan a vacation, visit your family or a friend, indulge in hobbies, pursue a course, and try to make new friends. If you have pets and children at home, spend time with them because they give you energy, life, and unconditional love. Indulge in hobbies like gardening, cooking, and reading books. Spend time in nature and meditate to calm your mind. These little acts of self-love not only help you feel better about the breakup but also counter low self-esteem”

Engage in something you love each day, no matter how small. Our tips on how to stop thinking about your ex:

• Listen to the music you love
• Wear something nice and go for a walk in the nearby park
• Go shopping with a friend
• Get a new haircut or pamper your skin
• Focus on personal growth
• Try a new sport or a new restaurant
• Binge-watch your favorite shows or movies
• Take an online cooking class

Related Reading: 15 Awesome Advantages Of Being Single | Love Singledom

5. Create a new routine

One of the answers to your dilemma is to change your daily routine. For a long time, your life revolved around your ex. But now that the relationship has ended, it doesn’t have to anymore, which means that you need to establish a new routine and get your life together. If you’re thinking about how to distract yourself from a breakup, then this is one of the best ways.

Jyoti says, “Try to do something that keeps you creatively engaged because that will help your serotonin and dopamine levels and release all the happy hormones. Engage in activities that offer something new. Work on yourself and transform your body and mind.” The idea is to replace old memories with new ones. And for that to happen, you will have to create new experiences. You can try a few things like:

• Exercise or go for a run
• Meditate or try yoga
• Focus on your work
• Try a new restaurant or visit a new park instead of going to the one you went with your ex

Related Reading: How To Love Yourself – 21 Self Love Tips

6. Spend some time alone

Why can’t I get over my ex, you ask? The only way to find an answer to this question is to do some serious introspection. To figure out how to forget about your ex, you need to get to know yourself and comprehend your emotions by spending time alone. Jyoti says, “It’s important to keep yourself busy after a breakup so that you don’t dwell on your sadness and loneliness. But it is equally important to be able to just be by yourself and find peace in that experience.” 

7. Be accountable for your emotions

If you’re wondering how to forget about your ex, owning up to your emotions can be a good starting point. While it is easier to blame your ex for your emotional turmoil, it’s crucial to accept responsibility for them. Keep in mind that only you have authority over your thoughts and emotions. You can learn to let go of the past and move on by taking ownership of your feelings. 

Jyoti says, “It’s important to steer clear of the tendency to lose yourself in thoughts of your ex. When you find yourself daydreaming about your ex or longing for them, make it a point to distract yourself. If you let yourself be consumed by these thoughts, it can make it harder to move on and will affect your present.” 

Related Reading: Expert Advice On Coping With Feeling Empty After A Breakup

8. Write about how you feel

When your emotions are all over the place and you can’t quite make sense of what you’re feeling and why, writing can be a wonderful way to process whatever your mind is churning.  According to research, expressive writing provides a convenient method for individuals to confront and work through unresolved feelings and thoughts related to stressful events. 

Maybe write a letter to your ex, saying all the things you would have said to their face. You don’t have to send a letter to them. Just channeling your thoughts might help bring you a step closer to the closure you seek. You could also try journaling to help make sense of your post-breakup feelings.

9. Remind yourself why you broke up with your ex

Breakups are painful because the decision to part ways stems from something not quite working out the way you had hoped for. Perhaps, your ex didn’t put any effort into the relationship and that became a source of constant conflict. Maybe, there were trust issues or insecurities at play. Or worse still, maybe it was lies and betrayal that drove you apart. 

However, when you look back at your relationship with nostalgia-riddled rose-tainted eyes, the memories of the good times can eclipse these underlying issues that drove you and your ex apart. This is especially true when you’re trying to figure out how to get over an ex you still love. In such cases, it can be helpful to consciously remind yourself of the reasons for the breakup and acknowledge that if it was possible to save the relationship, you wouldn’t be in this position.

Related Reading: 12 Perfectly Valid Excuses To Break Up With Someone

10. To get over your breakup, avoid your ex’s family and friends

Forgetting your ex can become that much harder if you are still in contact with their friends and family? For the sake of your emotional well-being, it might be time to consider cutting off communication with them. It can be difficult, especially if you are close to them. But it’s essential to recognize that they are your former partner’s friends and family, not yours. Their allegiance and loyalties lie with your ex, not with you. By maintaining communication with them, you’re only prolonging the pain and making it harder for yourself to move on. 

11. Engage with your family and friends

Oh the urge, to send that “I can’t stop thinking about you” text to your ex at 2 am. You know as well as we do that it’s not healthy and won’t get you anywhere. The best way to counter these pangs of longing and stop thinking about someone you once loved deeply is to surround yourself with your loved ones and lean on them for support.

Sure, spending a fun day at the beach with your family and friends or playing that board game you all like won’t instantly flush out your ex from your system. But these light-hearted moments will help you see that you can not just survive but thrive without your ex. By surrounding yourself with people who love and care about you, you can remind yourself that you are not alone. 

Jyoti advises, “When going through a difficult time, it’s helpful to have friends or family members you can rely on for emotional support. Talk to them about how you’re feeling and let them help you through this tough time.” The people you love and who care about you can help you process your emotions and offer emotional support, and also guide you on how to move on.

12. Understand that you may still have feelings for them and that’s okay

While it would be ideal to stop caring for someone immediately after a breakup, human emotions don’t work that way. It’s perfectly okay to still love your ex. You can’t get over someone you love in a day. Moving on from a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean your love for the person ends. Sometimes, the best way to let go is to love them enough to want what’s best for them, even if it means not being together. Love yourself enough to know what’s best for you too.

Getting over someone who has been deeply ingrained in every aspect of your life can be challenging, regardless of the duration of the relationship. Allow yourself time to grieve without setting rigid time limits or immediately seeking someone else as a distraction. Dwelling too much on why it’s taking time to move on will only leave you thinking about them all the more. Once you stop being hard on yourself for still caring, you may find that thoughts of them diminish on their own.

Related Reading: 9 Reasons You Miss Your Ex And 5 Things You Can Do About It

13. Let go of all the anger and find your own closure

When you are constantly thinking about him or her, ask yourself these questions: Will your anger improve the situation? Will it make your ex acknowledge their faults? Whom does your anger truly harm? You’ll realize that your anger won’t change what happened. It’ll only hurt you. It won’t affect your ex-partner’s life or prevent them from moving on. Therefore, there’s no point in you holding on to the anger and bitterness. You will have to make the choice to let go and reclaim your life instead of wasting your time and energy in digging up old wounds.

Create your own closure! Don’t allow your ex-partner to determine if and when you can move on; only you have that power. Closure may not come from your ex, and seeking it may lead to more pain. The key is to focus on your growth and healing to move forward. Take control of your life and emotions. Work on building your confidence and finding happiness on your own terms.

14. Seek professional help to stop thinking about your ex

It’s natural for thoughts of an ex to occasionally resurface. However, if these thoughts begin to haunt you and impact your current or potential future relationship with a new partner, whether it’s a rebound or a serious one, it may be time to consider seeking a therapist or clinical psychologist. If you are unable to figure out and need help, Bonobology’s panel of licensed and experienced therapists is only a click away.

Related Reading: Breakup Healing Process – How To Heal After A Breakup

15. See new people and start dating when you feel ready

If you’re wondering how to forget your ex, meeting new people or dating someone new can be an effective way. Engaging in conversation with new people can serve as a positive distraction from lingering feelings and thoughts. If you still feel emotionally raw from the breakup, remember that dating doesn’t always have to lead to a serious relationship. Be open with your new dates about your intentions, whether you’re seeking a good time or a temporary distraction, to ensure everyone is on the same page emotionally.

Find new love when you’re ready. There’s no timeframe for when to start dating again after a breakup, so trust your instincts and do what feels right for you. Avoid rushing into a new relationship solely to avoid being alone, but don’t be afraid to put yourself out there either. If you are struggling with persistent thoughts of your ex while in a new and healthy relationship, suppressing those thoughts won’t be productive. Instead, add to your thoughts the love you feel for your new partner. It can help resist the urge to reach out to your ex.

Final Thoughts

It’s natural to wonder what went wrong and replay memories in your mind repeatedly, but it’s important to recognize that the hardest part of a breakup is often the inability to stop thinking about the other person. Although there’s no magical step-by-step guide to recovery, it’s crucial to understand that feelings of love or attachment don’t vanish overnight. Nonetheless, it is possible to work on healing and moving forward.

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