“My husband and I have been married for four years, and while everything else in our relationship is fine, the issue of intimacy has become a growing source of tension. The truth is, I have no sex drive and my husband is mad. It’s not that I don’t love him or find him attractive—I do. But when it comes to physical intimacy, I feel nothing. I’ve tried to explain that it’s not intentional, that I’m not withholding affection to punish him, but he takes it personally. But I am just not interested in sex, what can I do? He keeps saying that a marriage without intimacy isn’t sustainable, that he feels unwanted and rejected. The more he pressures me, the more anxious I feel, and the less I want to even try. He thinks I’m making excuses, but I genuinely don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know if it’s hormonal, emotional, or something deeper, and I’m afraid that if I can’t figure it out, I’m going to lose him.

He says he doesn’t want to live the rest of his life in a sexless marriage, and honestly, I don’t blame him. But what am I supposed to do? Force myself? Fake it? That feels dishonest and heartbreaking in its own way. I still want closeness, companionship, and love, but he sees my lack of desire as a fundamental rejection of him. I’m at a loss. How do I make him understand that this isn’t about him? Is there something wrong with me? Is this something I can fix, or are we doomed to fall apart because of it?”

This query was shared to us by a reader and in this article, we have brought you answers to all these questions, in council with a California-based psychiatrist and cognitive behavior therapist, Dr. Shefali Batra (MD in psychiatry), who specializes in counseling for separation and divorce, breakup and dating, and premarital compatibility issues. 

It’s not uncommon to find yourself in a situation where your sex drive doesn’t match your partner’s—and when it makes your husband upset, it can feel especially frustrating. “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad. Why don’t I want to have sex with my husband?” you may wonder. Or perhaps you’re thinking, “I have no sex drive and it’s ruining my relationship. What should I do?” 

Take a deep breath: mismatched libidos are a challenge, but they’re not insurmountable. With patience, honesty, and a willingness to work together, you and your husband can navigate this lack of sex in a relationship and emerge stronger.

Why Don’t I Want To Have Sex With My Husband—7 Reasons

Finding your sex drive has dwindled doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or your relationship. There are countless reasons women feel disconnected from their sexual selves, many of which are tied to life’s overwhelming demands, shifting priorities, or changes within the relationship. 

If you’ve been wondering, “Why am I so turned off by my husband?” or feeling guilty about your lack of desire, it’s time to dig deeper. Often, the reasons are entirely understandable and, most importantly, fixable with the right approach. So, before diving into how to deal with a sexless marriage as a woman, let’s explore seven common reasons that might be contributing to your low libido.

1. You’re exhausted, not uninterested

Dr. Batra says, “Exhaustion is one of the biggest libido killers. Between work responsibilities, managing a household, and perhaps raising children, your energy reserves are running low. By the time you crawl into bed, sleep is your top priority, not intimacy.” A common refrain from women in this situation is, “It’s not that I have no desire for my husband; I’m just so tired I can’t think about anything else.” 

To combat this, make self-care and wellbeing a priority. Start by setting aside time to rest and rejuvenate. Even small changes, like delegating tasks or going to bed earlier, can help rebuild the energy needed for intimacy.

2. Your relationship needs a spark

Over time, relationships can lose their sense of excitement and fun. If your interactions with your husband revolve around logistics like bills and groceries, it’s no wonder your connection feels more practical than passionate. Susan, an accountant, shares, “When I sat down to think about it, I realized that I have no desire for my husband because our routine has become too mundane.”

To reignite that spark, focus on building emotional intimacy. Plan dates, surprise each other with small gestures, or engage in activities you both enjoy. Remember what drew you together in the first place and look for ways to rediscover that magic.

Related Reading: Looking For Words To Make Her Trust You? 300 Ideas

3. Lack of body confidence 

Struggling with body image can severely impact your desire for intimacy. If you feel self-conscious about your appearance, it’s easy to retreat from physical closeness. Yet, your partner likely sees you through a much kinder lens. 

Dr. Batra advises, “Try to focus on self-acceptance and celebrate what your body has done for you. Dressing in clothes that make you feel good or practicing self-affirmations can help shift your perspective. Remember, confidence is often more attractive than any physical trait.”

4. Stress has RSVP’d to your bedroom

Stress can take a toll on every aspect of your life, including your libido. When your mind is preoccupied with work deadlines, family obligations, or financial stress, it’s hard to relax enough to feel desire. You may even lash out at your partner for wanting intimacy. But think about it: Is it wrong to be upset about not having sex if you’re consistently turning him down? When you don’t have sex for a long time, it is bound to make him feel a little frustrated.

Dr. Batra advises, “Consider practicing mindfulness, engaging in yoga, or scheduling “no-stress” time for you and your husband to simply enjoy each other’s company without distractions.”

Related Reading: Open Relationship Dating: What It Is & Why It Works

5. Routine sex isn’t exciting anymore

When you don’t have sex with any variety, intimacy may become predictable, feeling more like a chore than a pleasure. Break out of the routine by trying new experiences together. Whether it’s experimenting with new settings, introducing playful elements like lingerie, or simply approaching intimacy with curiosity, a little variety can make a big difference.

6. Resentment is a passion killer

Unresolved marital conflicts or unspoken grievances can create emotional distance, making physical closeness less appealing. Whether it’s about household duties, forgotten milestones, or feeling unappreciated, resentment often manifests as a lack of desire. Emily shared with us, “I didn’t feel in the mood for a long time. When I finally sought professional help and asked, “I have no sex drive and it’s ruining my relationship. Why am I so turned off by my husband?” I found that I had repressed resentment for him due to the unequal responsibilities.”

To move past it, open up about your feelings in a constructive way. Effective communication can help clear the air and make room for genuine connection.

7. Hormones might be involved

Dr. Batra shares, “Hormonal changes due to postpartum recovery, birth control, or menopause can significantly affect your libido. These changes are completely natural but can be challenging to navigate.” If you suspect hormonal shifts are contributing to your low sex drive, consult with a healthcare professional. They can provide guidance, treatments, or lifestyle adjustments to help you feel more balanced.

Sam, a 50-year-old housewife, shares, “I couldn’t understand why don’t I want to have sex with my husband until I missed a couple periods. Turns out it is the menopause monster wrecking our sex life.”

I Have No Sex Drive And My Husband Is Mad—15 Ways To Handle The Situation

If you’re caught in the frustrating situation of mismatched libidos, it can feel like a significant strain on your relationship. You might be wondering, “How to deal with a sexless marriage as a woman?” or even asking yourself, “Is it wrong to be upset about not having sex?” The truth is, navigating these challenges requires open communication, mutual understanding, and a willingness to explore solutions together. Let’s explore 15 actionable ways to handle the lack of sex in a relationship.

1. Open the communication floodgates

Start an honest, open dialogue with your husband. Dr. Batra advises, “Express your feelings calmly, without placing blame, and encourage him to share his own. Phrases like, “I value our connection and want to work through this together,” can set the right tone.” Honest conversations help clear misunderstandings and pave the way for solutions.

Nora, a 34-year-old manager at an MNC, shares, “I had heard about the sexless marriage effect on husbands and I got so worried thinking, “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad.” Even though he had not said anything to me yet. When I finally told my husband how stressed I was feeling, it was like a weight lifted. He admitted he thought I just wasn’t attracted to him anymore. Talking it out brought us closer.”

Related Reading: I Hate My Girlfriend: Why You Feel This Way And What To Do

2. Find non-sexual intimacy

Physical closeness doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Simple gestures like cuddling, holding hands, or giving each other massages can strengthen emotional intimacy and remind both of you that connection is about more than physical acts.
Zoey, a web developer in her 30s, shares, “When I asked a friend, “I feel like I am not interested in sex, what can I do?” She suggested that we should start doing 10-minute foot massages before bed. It’s amazing how something so small can make us feel connected.”

3. Plan sex dates

Scheduling intimacy may seem unromantic, but it can help align expectations and create anticipation. Treat these planned moments as an opportunity to reconnect rather than a chore. Add playful elements like secret codes or setting the mood with music to make it fun.

This Reddit user shares comprehensive advice on the matter, “ I know the idea of scheduling sex seems like the least sexy thing but sometimes having it to look forward to makes the whole build up to it even more exciting.”

4. Look into libido boosters

Lifestyle changes like reducing stress, improving sleep, or tweaking your diet can have a positive impact on your libido. Consider exercising together or trying relaxation techniques to foster both physical and emotional well-being. Sabrina, a housewife married for 6 years, shared, “We started walking together every evening. Not only did it help my energy levels, but it gave us time to talk and connect.”

This Reddit user listed out some libido boosters that helped them, “You and your husband should definitely start working out together, it will make both of you feel “sexy” again.”

5. Experiment with other pleasures

Shift the focus away from sex and explore other ways to connect and enjoy each other’s company. Activities like 

• Dancing
• Cooking together
• Or even taking a weekend getaway 

can reignite the bond and create a relaxed atmosphere for intimacy.

6. Use humor

Laughter can be a great tension-reliever. Playfully joke about the situation to diffuse any awkwardness. For instance, if he mentions the lack of intimacy, you might quip, “We’re just saving up for a record-breaking night!” Humor keeps things light and helps both of you feel less pressured.

7. Address the hormonal elephant in the room

If hormonal imbalances are suspected, seek medical advice. A healthcare provider can help identify underlying issues and suggest treatments or lifestyle adjustments to support a healthier libido. This Reddit user shared detailed advice regarding hormonal health and libido, “It sounds like you might be low in some of your hormones like estrogen and progesterone, maybe even testosterone (and oxytocin)”

8. Get flirty without commitments

Flirting can remind your husband that you’re still attracted to him, even if you’re not ready for full intimacy. Playful texts, compliments, or even a wink across the room can keep the spark alive without added pressure.
Zara, an artist, shares, “I started leaving little sticky notes with flirty messages in his lunchbox. It’s a small thing, but he lights up every time.”

9. Meet in the middle

Dr. Batra shares, “Find a compromise that works for both of you. If daily intimacy feels overwhelming, agree on a frequency that feels manageable and fulfilling for both partners.” Relationships thrive on balance and understanding. If one partner has a higher need for physical intimacy than the other, it’s essential to have an open, honest discussion about expectations. This conversation should focus on emotional and physical needs without pressure or guilt.

• Discuss what feels comfortable for both of you and set realistic expectations
• If one partner wants more closeness, explore ways to build intimacy outside of sex, such as cuddling, massages, or affectionate gestures
• If either partner is feeling stressed, tired, or overwhelmed, prioritize emotional connection over physical frequency

Related Reading: What Leo Man Dislikes In A Woman And What He Likes

10. Seek therapy together

Couples’ therapy can provide a neutral and supportive space to explore underlying concerns, whether emotional, psychological, or relational. A trained therapist can help identify and address intimacy blockers, such as past trauma, mismatched libidos, or communication breakdowns.

• A professional can suggest exercises to improve emotional connection and rekindle desire
• Therapy can help partners feel safe expressing their concerns without fear of judgment
• Sometimes, issues like stress, anxiety, or body image struggles impact intimacy. A therapist can help navigate these challenges

Bonobology’s panel of experts can help couples reconnect and strengthen their bond through guided support.

11. Make time for yourself

Self-care is crucial for maintaining emotional balance and overall well-being. When one partner feels emotionally or physically drained, it can affect intimacy and connection. Taking time to recharge individually can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

• Whether it’s yoga, exercise, journaling, or engaging in hobbies, doing things that bring joy can enhance overall mood and energy
• If a relationship starts to feel overwhelming, a little space can help partners appreciate each other more
• When both partners engage in self-care, they bring more positivity and fulfillment into the relationship

12. Revisit what turned you on before

Over time, relationships may lose the excitement that was once present in the beginning. So, think back to the early stages of your relationship. What made you feel excited back then? Revisiting those moments or recreating those experiences can rekindle feelings of attraction and closeness.

• What activities brought you closer? Was it spontaneous date nights, deep conversations, or playful teasing?
• Revisit special places, dress up for a date, or surprise each other with small gestures that used to excite you.
• Trying something new together, such as a dance class or a weekend getaway, can spark fresh attraction.

13. Set clear boundaries

Be transparent about when you’re truly unavailable for intimacy. Clear communication around boundaries can reduce misunderstandings and help your husband feel respected. Saying something like, “Not tonight, but let’s plan for Friday.’ takes the pressure off from you but also gives him something to look forward to.

14. Align your love languages

Understanding each other’s love languages can bridge the gap. Dr. Batra suggests, “If his love language is physical touch, find ways to express it without necessarily leading to sex, such as hugging or back rubs.” On the same note, if you think that your lack of sex drive is because he is not meeting your love language, communicate it to him and express your needs clearly.

15. Celebrate small wins

Every step toward rebuilding intimacy is worth celebrating. Whether it’s a heartfelt conversation, a shared laugh, or a moment of physical closeness, acknowledging progress reinforces the effort and commitment you’re both making.

Final Thoughts

Mismatched libidos don’t have to mean the end of intimacy or connection in your marriage. By taking small, actionable steps and prioritizing open communication, you can rebuild trust, passion, and understanding. Remember, intimacy is not just about sex; it’s about sharing a bond that strengthens your partnership. With patience and effort, you and your husband can navigate this challenge and emerge even closer than before.

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