Is Tonight the Night?

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Bill Cosby, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and Peter Russell – what do these comedians have in common? To the untrained eye, it might seem like a lack of sex in their lives. But is that really why they talk about it on stage? Here’s the secret: nobody gets enough sex, in their opinion. But only stand-up comedians complain about it in front of a crowd.

Spontaneous Celebrations

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A healthy sex life isn’t limited to successful stand-up comedians. Even aspiring comics can struggle. I remember back then, we’d take any opportunity we could. Once, we even celebrated Rekha making perfect round rotis with a quick session on the concrete floor!

We had other spontaneous moments too. Like the time we bought a table fan from Saravana Store in T-Nagar, Chennai. I drove the bike, and Rekha held the fan behind me. We were exhausted by the time we got home, but celebrating with the cool breeze from the new fan was all we needed. Back then, everything felt more spontaneous and passionate.

A couple dressed elegantly, sitting together in an intimate setting — A romantic evening: Is tonight the night?

Nowadays, things have changed. Only yesterday, while having morning tea with Rekha, I said, “When we got married you didn’t know how to cook- remember how I taught you?” “Where are you going with this?” “Nowhere- just wanted you NOT to forget your teacher,” I insisted. “Just in case you don’t know, tonight is the night… want to spoil it?” I backed off. Got into my shell. I hadn’t known that tonight was going to be the night. Now that I knew, I couldn’t risk anything.

The Morning Routine

When Rekha says such a thing, it is as if the court has given a date, and one has to keep it else it gets pushed back by another week. “No no…. I don’t want to spoil it.” I took my cup of tea and went and sat down where I had the least chance of running into Rekha – near the books. After two hours, I slowly walked towards Rekha and enquired, “Is the breakfast ready?” “It will be ready soon.” “OK.” Is all I could say before joining my books again. An hour later – at 10 am – I got my breakfast. If Rekha hadn’t told me at 7 am that tonight was the night I was going to get lucky, I would have known anyway – around noon.

My wife doesn’t know that I have read the signs and can now predict with 99% accuracy if I am going to get lucky or not. The remaining 1% is when we end up watching a Richard Gere or George Clooney movie after lunch or dinner and suddenly Rekha starts hating me. This is how the events of the day pan out on such days-

The Afternoon Chaos

12 noon: Rekha asks me, “You aren’t shaving today, is it? You know, you should shave on weekends so that you can avoid the Monday rush.”
12.15 pm: Rekha tries hard to get our daughter Rhea to finish her lunch by 12.30 pm and sleep by 1 pm max.
12.30 pm-2.00 pm: Rhea doesn’t understand our emergency and continues to play around in the bed. Initially, it’s cute but with time she starts appearing like a monster who doesn’t want you to get close to your wife. Sometimes it even appears as if she is doing it on purpose. Around 1.30 pm the patience wears off and both Rekha and I start scolding her – to sleep. By 2 pm, both of us have forgotten about making love and are more concerned that Rhea sleeps early so that we can have our lunch.

Related reading: The trick to a happy, joyful marriage

2.20 pm: We are just winding up our lunch while watching TV and Rekha says, “You want to postpone it?” I chuckle as if we were talking of the Rio Olympics, which needs to be postponed because of the Zika virus which has spread all over Brazil. But most of the time I agree with, “At night then?”
3.00 pm: We are both lying in bed tired and full of food- a wee bit glad that it isn’t over yet. At least, there is something to look forward to, in the evening.
3.30 pm: Rekha is sleeping and I am thinking- Why couldn’t it be possible twice? Why not now and then again in the evening? Since when did that stop happening? The day I did it twice seems so distant now. So distant that I don’t even remember if it was with the same woman.
4.30 pm: The alarm goes off and the whole family is out of the siesta. The first thing that comes out of my mouth as I get up and look at Rekha, “In the night then, huh?” She agrees. But I can already see she is regretting it. She would have preferred finishing it off in the afternoon so that it doesn’t hang over her head like the sword of Damocles.
5.30 pm: I approach my wife, “Pratap just called, said he wanted to catch up over a beer. Do you have any plans?” Rekha shoots down the plan saying she doesn’t like the smell of beer and I will have to choose between Pratap and her. I called Pratap to say that my wife had already planned a shopping trip and I wouldn’t be able to join the beer session.
6.30 pm: Rekha approaches me and asks, “You haven’t shaved yet?” I tell her that I am going to in the next ten minutes at which she quips, “In that case, you might also want to take a bath.”
6.45 pm: I shave and reach out to Rekha to let her know. She responds with, “You still understand that we might not do it at all today, right? What if Rhea sleeps late tonight?” I respond with, “Yes I know-I just shaved now to avoid the Monday morning rush.”
7 pm: Rekha decides that it is time to wash the bed sheets and pillow covers in our bedroom. She changes them with a fresh set even as Rhea and I watch her indulge in the activity.

7.30 pm: Rhea’s dinner time starts early today. Usually, it is 8 pm, but today its 7.30 to provide for that extra 30 minutes that need to be squeezed in into the daily schedule.
8.00 pm: Rhea is still eating…
8.30 pm: Rhea is enjoying her dessert…
9.00 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has just begun…
9.30 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has been extended by another 15 minutes for the third time.
9.45 pm: Rekha and I are losing our patience. Rhea isn’t sleeping. It looks like a close finish – will we be able to make it? The huge question hangs in the balance.
10.00 pm: The TV has been switched off and Rhea has agreed to hold her mother’s hands and sleep.
10.10 pm: Because she wasn’t closing her eyes, Rhea got scolded by her mother. Now she isn’t friends with her mother but friends with her father- so now she is trying to sleep holding her father’s hands.
10.20 pm: Slight nasal snoring indicates a child with the common cold has finally hit the bed and has started sleeping. Both Rekha and I watch The Big Bang Theory for 15 minutes just to be sure Rhea is sleeping well.
10.45 pm: Rekha opens up first, “Do we want it today?”

Related reading: They are the spice in my life

“After dinner or before?” She asks. “Hmm-difficult question- it’s almost 11 and I am hungry as hell,” I say. “I know. Me too.” For once my wife and I agree on something. “But will anything change after dinner? We might be done with dinner only by 11.30 pm- you shouldn’t say its really late and all that.”

Rekha admits, “Frankly, even now I am not 100% decided- so let’s have dinner and hope for the best.” Thirty minutes later, we leave Rhea sleeping in our master bedroom and head for the second bedroom. As I close the curtains in the room, I see my neighbour standing in his balcony stare in my direction, grin and give me a thumbs-up sign. If I were him, I would also have done the same – why else would somebody pull close the curtains at 11 in the night? As I walk to the bed, my mobile phone buzzes. It is a Facebook notification. My neighbour from the balcony has updated his Facebook status and tagged me as well. His update reads- Predicted right for the 37th time. He gets lucky tonight!

P.S: We seem to be one of the lucky couples. I know the one that sends an Outlook Calendar to invite to each other when they want to make love.

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