I love my wife dearly I do but our long-distance marriage has taken a toll on our bond. I’m Sanjay, married to a great girl for a year now, who I met when we were both pursuing our master’s degrees. We work in different cities in the US now and this distance has driven a wedge between us, threatening our future together.

It all started when I decided to become an entrepreneur. Working for someone else did not excite me and I couldn’t see myself doing it for the rest of my life. On the other hand, my wife, Ashna, is more inclined toward climbing the corporate ladder. I knew I’d have to give up a lot of things like vacations, hanging out with friends, and a social life, in the short term to be successful in my venture and she wasn’t comfortable with the whole idea.

Despite knowing this, I proposed to her and she accepted. I tried to get her on board with the idea and tried convincing her to help me with my venture, but she wasn’t ready. We thought we would figure out a way to handle this stuff once we started living together. However, things didn’t work out as we had hoped and now we’re struggling to figure out how to make a marriage work.

A Long-Distance Marriage Was Always On The Cards For Us

Before our wedding, we had some doubts about whether to go ahead or not since we were very different people and had very few things in common. Our life after the wedding wasn’t going to be traditional or simple, we knew it already. We’re from completely different backgrounds and states in India. Our value system is different as well. But we never shared these concerns with each other and went ahead with the wedding, thinking that pre-wedding jitters were causing these doubts to seep in and our love would sail us through.

We also knew that after the wedding we’d be working in different cities since we were limited by visa situations. My wife initially put in a lot of effort to increase the communication and understanding between us. But, I didn’t reciprocate since I was focused solely on my career. I failed to see that marriage takes work too, and this was the beginning of the unraveling of our bond.

Related Reading: 35 Long–Distance Relationship Activities To Bond Over

But we weren’t able to deal with it and long-distance marriage problems began to emerge

Along the way, I hurt her by saying some mean things, which I should have never done. I pointed out our differences often and mocked her lifestyle choice. On top of this, we were having marriage and money problems as I was still in the process of setting up my venture. We tried to meet in person every 1-2 months, however, long-distance relationship problems followed us even in our times of togetherness. Now the situation has worsened, as there is a lack of communication, and coping with long-distance marriage problems has only gotten harder.

Related Reading: There should be lots of honesty for a long-distance relationship to work

My wife was unhappy and wanted to separate

My wife told me almost a month ago that she is undergoing depression and is consulting a therapist. She also told me that our marriage is a big reason for her depression and she wants us to separate. She says that she doesn’t have anything left to give to this relationship. Talking to me or my family is like an obligation and she doesn’t want to be in this situation anymore.

However, I think that since we haven’t really lived together, we should give it more time and give each other another chance. I’ve already told her that I’m willing to do whatever she wants to make this a happy marriage, but she insists that there is no point, since she has no desire to be with me anymore. I have asked her for some more time but it seems like she will not budge. Although she understands that effort has to be from both sides, she doesn’t think that she can do it anymore.

I’m willing to change and make her want to come back

I’m willing to change and find a way to make her stop feeling unhappy. I want to make it a point to video chat with her every day so I can give her my full attention. She has complained about it a lot earlier. I’m also considering taking a couple of weeks off from work to go and stay with her. I think our marriage could really use that. To help her with her long-distance relationship anxiety, I will make it a point to not react badly even if she makes a snide remark. I will deal with the anger instead of taking it out on her. If things are getting really bad in a fight, I will just agree to whatever she is saying and not argue with her.

However, I’m not sure how she will respond since she has a lot of resentment toward me. How can I get back on track with my marriage? How can I bring back the hope in her mind that we can still work together on our relationship and be happy?

5 Long-Distance Marriage Tips From Our Therapist

Counselor Prachi Vaish offers her insights and long-distance relationship advice for this distraught couple. She says:

Both of you have indeed hit a rough patch in your marriage and I can understand the heartache you both are going through. However, the good thing is that both of you are taking steps in your own way to get things back on track. First, let’s talk about your wife. It is natural for her to have had some expectations when you got married about the kind of time you’d spend together or about the bond you’d forge and apparently those expectations weren’t met.

I do understand that you were focusing on your career and it took up a lot of your time and energy. You’re also right in thinking in retrospect that maybe you both should have discussed this subject earlier. But what’s done is done, so instead of looking back, we look forward, okay? Based on your circumstances, I think the following long-distance marriage tips would be most helpful:

Related Reading: How To Have A Successful Long–Distance Relationship

1. Commit to open and honest communication

I would recommend a shift in perspective on how best to deal with your long-distance marriage problems. I’d advise against agreeing to whatever your wife says to avoid arguments. If you simply just say, “Yes, you’re right” to everything, you may come across as patronizing or as if you’re just trying to get her off your back. Don’t be afraid to have deep conversations about real feelings.

Communication is the backbone of any healthy relationship but it becomes even more crucial when you’re trying to figure out how to make a marriage work long distance. Make it a point to share both the good and bad aspects of your day, your feelings, and any concerns you may have. Avoid bottling up emotions because unresolved feelings can fester over time. Remember, the more she is able to open up to you, the closer she’ll feel to you. It will take time if I have to be completely honest, but if you do it right, it will be worth it. All the best!  

Pro tip: One simple way to foster open communication in a long-distance marriage can be to schedule regular “check-ins”. Use these as an opportunity to express your emotions without judgment, talk about any ongoing issues constructively, and also to celebrate small victories in your relationship.

2. Prioritize quality time, even virtually

You need to understand that investing time and effort in your relationship needn’t have been seen as a responsibility or another “thing to do” while you were busy. The time you spend in your relationship needs to be your stress buster, something that lifts you up when you’re down and tired.

It should act as a buffer that gets stronger with time and can provide you with the support you’ll need in your tough times. The same holds for your wife too. Being alone while being in a relationship can be the most painful thing and that is how she probably felt. The perfect antidote to it can be spending quality time together. 

Pro tip: Plan “date nights” or set aside time slots for meaningful interaction where you’re not just talking but actively engaging with each other’s thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

3. Address conflicts head-on

From what you have told me, avoiding issues that existed in your relationship even before you tied the knot has contributed to your long-distance marriage problems. Therefore, the most crucial piece of long-distance relationship advice I can offer is to work toward breaking that pattern. You have to find a way to address conflicts and differences of opinion as they arise, focusing solely on the issue at hand without letting the baggage of past disagreements get in the way. 

Pro tip: Create a conflict-resolution strategy that you both agree on focusing on how to navigate communication when emotions run high. This can include using “I” statements, avoiding generalizations like “you always” or “you never”, taking a short break when tempers are soaring, or practicing reflective listening, where each partner repeats what the other is saying to ensure understanding.

Related Reading: 18 Things To Know Before Starting A Long–Distance Relationship

4. Set clear expectations for the future

One of the most effective tips for long-distance relationships is effective and realistic management of expectations. In the past, your wife has been disappointed because she expected you to reciprocate her efforts to make the long-distance marriage work or because you weren’t there for her when she expected you to. These unmet expectations are at the core of her decision to separate. Now that you understand the marriage takes work and are ready to do your part, it’s important to communicate it to her but at the same time, do not overcommit.

I circle back to your point about agreeing to everything she says just for the sake of keeping peace—not only can it make you seem disingenuous but it is also not sustainable in the long run. So take the time to introspect about what you can realistically offer as a partner, for a week, a month, or even a year, but for the rest of your life. Then communicate with your wife to set clear expectations and goals based on what you want, what she wants, and what you’re both capable of offering. 

Pro tip: It can be helpful to establish specific goals or timelines to alleviate the long-distance relationship stress. Discuss visits, potential relocation plans, or milestones that will help resolve the distance. 

5. Seek professional help together

Can long-distance relationships work? They sure can when both partners navigate this complicated landscape skillfully and in sync with each other. However, when there are pre-existing long-distance marriage problems at play, finding that rhythm can be hard. If despite practicing all of the above-mentioned tips for long-distance relationships, you fail to get a breakthrough, it can help to turn to a professional for guidance. 

Many therapists and counselors offer remote therapy sessions, making it easier for long-distance to seek help. Working with a trained professional can help each partner feel heard and supported in finding solutions. If you want to explore this option, skilled and experienced therapists on Bonobology’s panel are here for you. 

Final Thoughts

Problems and challenges exist in every relationship, and a long-distance marriage is no exception. However, with the right approach—centered on communication, quality time, conflict resolution, professional support, and future planning—you can strengthen your bond and address the issues you’re facing, even from afar. The key is to remember that marriage takes work and be willing to go the distance for your spouse. 

I’m in a long distance relationship with an older married woman, but is it love?

Problems in Long distance marriage

How To Make A Long-Distance Relationship Work?

Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.