Married But Looking For Someone To Talk To? Therapist Explains What To Do

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American actor and comedian Robin Williams famously said, “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” If you’re married but looking for someone to talk to, I bet you can relate to this sentiment all too well.

I know I did when during a chaotic 5-year-long relationship where I found myself constantly seeking some sort of a connection to fill the void within. While I may not have been married at the time, the sense of emptiness, feeling unwanted, and constantly misunderstood were not very different from what someone feeling alone in a marriage would experience.

Walking away was my solution for dealing with the gnawing void I felt in that relationship. But upending your life and starting over may not be that simple when you’re married. So, what can you do if you’re married but lonely to the extent that you begin craving a connection outside to feel seen, heard, and validated? I hope to help you find the answer, in consultation with psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle (PhD, PGDTA), who specializes in relationship counseling and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.

Reasons Why You’re Married But Looking For Someone To Talk To

It can be argued that loneliness is a state of mind and a reflection of one’s connection to the world around them. And that you cannot place the burden of alleviating your feelings of loneliness on another person. While that’s true to a large extent, it’s also true that when you enter into a relationship, especially a marriage where you’re meant to share your life with your spouse, there is an inherent expectation of companionship.

However, that expectation is not always met. Imagine spending time with your spouse but you have nothing to say to each other. Or sharing with them what a rough day you’ve been having, and they don’t even bother to look up from their phone, much less comfort you. Or you say something, and your spouse misinterprets it entirely. And instead of a meaningful conversation, an argument ensues.

Now, instances like these happen in all marriages, every once in a while. But when this becomes a pattern, there is a sense of loneliness in marriage. Unfortunately, even that is all too common. According to an AARP survey, 33% of people over 45 report feeling feeling alone in a marriage. So, why is the feeling of being married but lonely so prevalent? Dr. Bhonsle shares possible reasons why married but looking for someone to talk to:

Related Reading: 10 Signs That You Are Not Ready For Marriage

1. Accelerated timeline of relationships

If you rush into a marriage, you may make a hasty decision about your compatibility with your partner. When the euphoria of a heady romance and the rose-tinted honeymoon phase ends, you may realize that you and your partner do not have a lot in common, or you lack the ability to maneuver the mundane everyday life or the rough patches.

Dr. Bhonsle explains, “Marriage is often approached with the mindset of organizing an event. The focus on putting together the perfect wedding is so myopic that people lose sight of the fact they have to spend the next 40-50 years together, something which they may not be equipped for. When spouses cannot be honest and communicative, they end up seeking connections outside.”

2. Work and domestic pressures get in the way

Maria, a 38-year-old mother of two, wants to know how to find someone to talk to despite being married because she feels her husband is married to his job. “He practically lives at his office. Even when he is home, he is holed up in his study, pouring over files. I don’t remember the last time we had a real conversation or were intimate with each other. I am so depressed and lonely in my marriage.” Work and family pressures, the hustle culture, and putting off living your life until you’ve reached one milestone or another are among the prime reasons why so many people today are married and looking for someone to connect with.

3. People grow apart

how to know if your partner is cheating — When partners grow apart, they become strangers to one another

Dr Bhonsle says, “As you go through the ups and downs of life, your personality changes. Someone who may have been carefree and full of the carpe diem spirit may become more cautious after being sacked from a job. Or an atheist may become immensely devout after a brush with a life-threatening experience or illness.

“At the same time, their partner may be on their journey of growth. When the trajectories of growth don’t coincide, couples grow apart.” If you’re married but looking for someone to talk to, it could be because you’ve grown apart in your marriage and no longer recognize your spouse or struggle to relate to them.

Related Reading: Expectations In Relationships: The Right Way To Manage Them

4. Unrealistic expectations

The sense of feeling alone in a marriage may, at times, have nothing to do with your spouse whatsoever but could be a result of the burden of unrealistic expectations you’re placing on the relationship. For instance, if you do not have strong relationships outside of your marriage — friendships, a bond with your parents or siblings, camaraderie with coworkers — you may expect your husband or wife to fulfill all these roles in your life, and that can be a tall order to meet. In such cases, before you go looking for the antidote to loneliness in marriage in a third person, it can help to introspect and find a way to build more balanced interpersonal relationships.

5. Taking each other for granted

When you’ve been together a while and feel settled, the need to make an effort to keep dating your spouse and find ways to infuse novelty in the relationship begins to diminish. Couples who don’t make a conscious effort to steer clear of this very common pitfall of long-term relationships.

Dr. Bhonsle says, “Sex, conversations, date nights, and the overall effort to impress one’s partner and sweep them off their feet dries up. As a result, boredom and mundaneness begin to take hold. This can quickly escalate to a married but lonely state of being.”

6. Social media comparisons

The airbrushed moments of other people’s lives and relationships can make a person feel discontent with their own. Picture this: you’re spending yet another weekend at home, your spouse is busy with chores, you have a list of errands to run, the kids are making a mess, and cartoon noises are blaring from the TV.

You open your phone, and there is your best friend’s Instagram story of a dinner date with their partner… your ex is on another trip with their spouse… that nerdy classmate of yours has posted a much-in-love picture with their fiancé. Each post lands like a gut punch, making your life seem lackluster.

You toss and turn in bed later that night, wondering why you can’t have the life your friend, your ex, or your former classmate seem to be blessed with, whilst your spouse snores away. It doesn’t take a lot to go from this point to wondering how to find someone to talk to. Once these thoughts begin to take hold in your mind, you begin to feel more disconnected from your partner. And so, loneliness in marriage becomes a vicious cycle that feeds itself.

Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Stimulate Vulnerability In A Relationship

7. Lack of vulnerability

Romance, sex, and physical attraction are all necessary elements of a relationship, but long-term togetherness is sustained primarily by a strong emotional connection. That emotional connection is built on the ability to be vulnerable with each other. If you don’t know your spouse like the back of your hand, if you don’t talk to each other about your deepest emotions, fears, hopes, and insecurities, and make each other feel safe enough to let your guards down, it’s only natural for feelings of isolation to creep in.

What To Do If You’re Married But Lonely

Feeling lonely in a marriage can be a crushing experience, to say the least. When the person you were supposed to share all your joys, sorrows, hopes, dreams, and fears with becomes a virtual stranger when you run out of things to say to your life partner or are tired of being misunderstood, you may find yourself at the married but looking for someone to talk to crossroads.

Before you go down that road, stop and ask yourself, have you done everything in your power to revive and improve your relationship with your spouse? Why not redirect the time and effort you’d spend in building a connection with someone new toward infusing fresh life into your marriage? To that end, Dr. Bhonsle offers the following tips for dealing with being married but lonely:

1. Consider the impact of being married and looking

If you’re married but looking for someone to talk to, take a moment to assess the ripple effect of your actions. Dr. Bhonsle says, “Consider the impact of being involved with another person while still being married on your family, children (if any) as well as other stakeholders, like parents. Are you willing to lose what you have in your bid to find a solution to your loneliness?” Chances are, you don’t want to risk it all for fleeting validation and a transient sense of a connection. If so, focus on doing the next best thing—channeling your energies toward figuring out how best to save your marriage.

Related Reading: 8 Risk Factors For Extramarital Affairs

2. Be mindful of the risk of infidelity

You may tell yourself, “I am so depressed and lonely in my marriage, I just need someone to talk to. A friend who gets me.” Well, I’m sorry to break it to you but when you’re married and looking for a connection outside of it, things rarely remain so innocent or cut and dry. If you’re lonely in your marriage, chances are you crave emotional intimacy.

When you find that with someone, feelings can take hold and the dynamics quickly can veer from platonic to romantic territory. Before you know it, you’re cheating on your spouse. This is not a risk but almost an inevitability when you’re married but looking for someone to talk to. So, be very aware of where this path leads you.

3. Talk to your spouse

The early days of parenting were especially hard on my marriage. I felt extremely disconnected from my spouse, overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility of childcare and the raging hormones. Whenever we talked, we ended up arguing. Most nights, we’d turn our back to each other and sleep. The loneliness I felt was unbearable but I didn’t really make an effort to remedy the situation, instead, I kept waiting for him to come around and break the ice.

Until, one night, I found myself tempted to reply to an old text from an ex that had been sitting in my inbox. While I wasn’t consciously looking for someone to talk to, that thought was a wake-up call. The next day, I reached out and tried talking to my husband about how I felt. We fought, we argued, we talked, we cried—this went on for the next week, but by the end of it, we were able to get through to each other and started making an earnest effort to prioritize each other.

My biggest learning has been that there is no better tool than honest and open communication to tide over the roughest patches of married life. So, if you’re lonely in your marriage, open up to your spouse, talk to them, and hear what they have to say. You might just find a way forward that doesn’t involve looking for someone else to talk to.

Related Reading: How To Fix Lack Of Communication In A Relationship – 15 Expert Tips

4. Seek help

If you’ve tried everything in your power to alleviate loneliness in marriage but haven’t been able to make progress, consider seeking help. “You can seek counseling. A trained couples therapist can help you move past the communication roadblocks and discuss expectations candidly.

“If therapy is not an option, you can explore other resources to learn how to maneuver this phase in your relationship. This could involve reading self-help books, doing your own research into improving relationship quality, or observing people whose marriages or relationships you admire,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

5. Nurture innate curiosity in your marriage

“Curiosity is the best way to counter a sense of isolation in a marriage,” says Dr. Bhonsle. To reconnect with your spouse, you must reignite that sense of curiosity with which you approach the relationship in its early days. Ask questions, talk to each other, and most importantly, listen.

Feeling Alone In A Marriage? Here’s How To Find Someone To Talk To

From talking to therapy, self-restraint to introspection, making an effort to being patient, if you’ve tried it all but the state of your marriage hasn’t improved and walking away isn’t an option, we won’t judge you for looking for someone to talk to and find a connection that can help you endure it all. So, if you’re married but looking for someone to talk to, here are some options you can explore:

1. Try married dating sites

There are several apps and dating sites that cater to married and attached people seeking connections outside of their relationship, be it in the form of discreet affairs, friendship, or companionship. Some of the top married dating sites are:

Ashely Madison
Adult Friend Finder
Victoria Milan
Hush Affair
Heated Affairs

Related Reading: 7 Things You Should Know About Having A Discreet Affair

2. Look for married but lonely support groups

If you’re just looking for someone like-minded, or maybe someone in a similar situation as yours, to talk to and unburden your heart, a married but lonely support group can be a great place to build some genuine and platonic connections. Here are a few you can explore:

Married but lonely support groups on Facebook
Forums like A Lonely Life and Beyond Blue
Certain counseling centers offer support for people who are married and alone. For example, the one run by Heart to Heart Counseling Center

3. Explore real-life avenues to meet like-minded people

To find genuine connections to alleviate your sense of loneliness, explore real-life avenues where you can meet and bond with like-minded people. Besides giving you the chance to make meaningful connections, this will also give you something to look forward to, which, in itself, can go a long way in making you feel more content with your life. Here are a few options you can explore:

Join a hobby class—painting, pottery, dance, music
Become a part of activity-based clubs dedicated to hiking, biking, running
Volunteer for a cause close to your heart

Related Reading: I Am A Married Woman In Touch With My Old Flame, But Should We Meet?

Key Pointers

Loneliness in marriage can leave you looking for someone to talk to
Rushing into relationships, work and life pressures, unrealistic expectations, and lack of vulnerability are some reasons why spouses drift apart and feel alone in their marriages
If that’s where you find yourself, consider working on the marriage before you go looking for a connection outside. Talking to your spouse, seeking help, and nurturing curiosity in your marriage are some ways of addressing the issue of loneliness in a marriage
If your efforts at resolution bear no results and walking out is not an option, you can explore dating apps for married people, married but lonely support groups, and real-life avenues like clubs and hobby classes to find like-minded people to talk to

The Way Forward

Being so alone in your marriage that you long for someone to talk to can be stifling. However, this dark cloud of hopelessness doesn’t have to consume you. With the right support and consistent effort, you can find a way to reconnect with your spouse. If that doesn’t work out, there is no dearth of avenues to find like-minded people to talk to. Only you know what works best for you, given your circumstances. So, don’t let fear of judgment or shame over your need for a human connection hold you back. Just be mindful of the choices you make and the potential consequences they may have, and then, you do you.