My husband is always angry and rude to me

My Questions and Answers | | Expert Author , Psychologist
Updated On: May 3, 2024
My husband is always angry and rude to me
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I’m starting to think my husband is a nasty person. He gets irritated with me so easily and is always angry. The smallest thing going wrong can spoil his mood and then he’ll be like that all day. It can be something as minor as me forgetting to make a dinner reservation we discussed. My husband is moody and angry all the time. He is always negative and I’m getting tired of it. He would never hit me and he has never been violent but I can’t handle this anymore. He makes me feel like I can’t do anything right and I’m just constantly worried about messing up. My husband blames me for his anger outbursts. I just don’t understand – why is my husband always mad at me?

Answer:

It’s not so much that your husband is mad at you, but more so that he is dealing with a lot of anger, likely the result of some other suppressed emotion. So, even if your husband is trying to place the blame on you for his anger, know that it has more to do with his internal world than your actions. Him blaming you is likely deflection as a defense mechanism because taking responsibility for it on his own seems too daunting.

In my experience as a therapist, I would say anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Think of it this way – if we were to give roles to each emotion, anger plays the role of the protector. In the sense that it only comes out when you feel threatened by something. Additionally, anger is a masking emotion, meaning that it does not arrive alone, and is usually hiding or protecting another emotion behind it. For example: sadness, insecurity, unfairness, guilt, shame, etc. Hopefully, this gives you some insight into your husband’s psyche.

Being in a relationship with someone who is perpetually angry can be very overwhelming. It’s important that you remember to not take it personally, not blame yourself for it and do everything you can to maintain your own emotional wellbeing. Here are a few other things that can help:

If it is possible, start a discussion around this pattern of anger and blame and how it makes you feel. Of course, do so when neither of you is stressed out and in a bad mood. Remember to not throw blame around yourself, or to accept blame back. If you feel the discussion is escalating, it’s okay to leave it and walk away before things get out of hand.

During initial discussions, it can be beneficial to simply listen to your partner when they are being vulnerable. Continue to remind yourself to not take their anger personally. If a person is able to express the pain they feel and have it be acknowledged by someone, the anger covering it automatically subsides. Hence, it is important that you let your husband express himself without judgment.

Identify which needs of yours are not being met and on that basis, draw and reinforce boundaries. For example, in this situation, your need for respect would be violated. Hence, the boundary would look something like, “We both know that it is unfair to blame me solely for this and it makes me feel hurt. Let’s talk about this again when we both feel better.” You don’t need to accept disrespect, nor do you need to counter it back with more disrespect.

Consider the reasons behind his anger. Has there been a loss that he is dealing with? Are there dysfunctional family dynamics in place? Chances are that his anger is being displaced from its origin place onto you or someone else.

Seek out support from loved ones and friends, and take care of yourself. This can be emotionally and mentally exhausting for you to go through.

Consider reaching out to a therapist if the situation feels too overwhelming to tackle on your own, and if you’re worried for your safety. Perpetual anger experience can very easily turn into aggression, so don’t minimize or discredit any fears you may be feeling in regards to your safety and wellbeing.

FAQs

1. How to deal with an angry husband?

Dealing with someone who is almost perpetually angry can be challenging and exhausting. The most important thing here is that you’re taking care of yourself by addressing your needs, drawing boundaries and seeking support. 

Here are a few steps on how to deal with an angry husband:
1. Try your best to stay calm when he is angry. Often, angry people say deliberately hurtful things to rile up the other person, and then it turns into a competition to see who can hurt whom more. Avoid falling into that trap. If you feel triggered, step away and come back to it when you’re calmer. 
2. Listen actively and without judgment when your husband is expressing his feelings. Validate what he is feeling through statements like, “I can see why that would upset you.”
3. Set and maintain firm boundaries. Initially, you will have to model the healthy way of communicating to your husband before he follows suit. Disagreements can be resolved calmly. 
4. Encourage taking time-outs when either or both of you feel overwhelmed and get back to the topic once you’re both in a better place mentally. 
5. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or couple’s counselor.

2. Why is my husband so mean to me?

There could be several reasons behind your husband’s anger, and even when it is directed at you, it doesn’t necessarily mean it was because of something you did. Here are a few possible reasons: 

1. Your husband may be experiencing stress or pressure from work, financial issues, or other life challenges, leading to increased irritability and lashing out.
2. Poor communication or unresolved conflicts in the relationship can contribute to misunderstandings and frustration, leading to mean or hurtful behavior.
3.Your husband may be dealing with unresolved emotions such as anger, resentment, or insecurity, which he may be projecting onto you through mean behavior.
4. Negative experiences or traumas from your husband’s past, such as childhood abuse or previous failed relationships, could influence his behavior and interpersonal dynamics in the present.
5. Your husband may lack effective coping skills for managing stress, conflict, or strong emotions, resulting in mean or aggressive behavior as a maladaptive response.
7. If there are imbalances in power or control within the relationship, your husband may resort to mean behavior as a way to assert dominance or maintain control.
8. External factors such as substance abuse, peer influences, or societal norms could also play a role in shaping your husband’s behavior towards you.

3. How to deal with a mean husband?

Remember that you cannot change someone who does not want to change, and neither should that be your responsibility. With that in mind, here’s what you can do:
1. Create and reinforce healthy boundaries, along with indulging in self-care. This can be incredibly distressing for you to go through, so you do need to do a little extra to take care of yourself. 
2. Seek support from friends and family, or even a mental health professional who can help you navigate this overwhelming situation. 
3. Address your husband’s behavior, and hold him accountable to act in a better manner. Make sure you’re not throwing blame around, but instead, expressing how you feel. 
4. Encourage open communication so that he can explore and express what is really bothering him instead of displacing his anger from one thing to another. 
5. Prioritize your safety and well-being and consider what your options are. It is not your responsibility to ensure your husband learns a healthier way of managing his emotions. 
6. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist to deal with the repercussions you are facing due to his behavior. Or a couple’s counselor who can help both of you establish healthier channels of communication and get to the root cause of problems in the marriage. 

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