Some serial cheaters are driven by narcissism or entitlement. Others cheat because they’re bored or have low self-esteem. Some enjoy the thrill of secret affairs—being sneaky and getting away with it. Some cheat because they’re afraid of intimacy. Then there are those who cheat because they have unmet emotional or physical needs within their relationship. 

Irrespective of the reason behind a partner’s infidelity, being in a relationship with someone who has a habit of cheating can be devastating and take a toll on your mental health and sense of self. To help you protect yourself, we’re here to shed light on the tell-tale traits of a serial cheater and how to deal with one, with insights from forensic clinical psychologist Shincy Nair Amin (M.Phil., Forensic Psychology), who specializes in working with sexual assault victims and sexual offenders, counseling for depression and anxiety, and is a certified life coach.

Who Is A Serial Cheater?

Cheating says a lot about a person, and anyone who has crossed the line of fidelity has much to answer for. However, with pathological cheaters, the pursuit of the forbidden fruit becomes a different ball game altogether. A serial cheater consistently seeks romantic/sexual connections outside despite being in a committed, monogamous relationship. Often, without feeling any guilt or remorse over their actions because they don’t view these transgressions as a mistake but instead as something they’re entitled to. Some of the most defining serial cheater personality traits are:

• Cheating is valid: Habitual cheaters don’t view their transgressions as wrong or hurtful. To them, cheating is valid
• I cheat but I love you: They indulge in serial infidelity and then go back to tell their partner, “I love you so much”, without losing any sleep over their betrayal 
• Guilt-free: A pathological cheater doesn’t experience any cheating guilt. Not for long anyway because in their mind their actions are legitimate
• Compulsive habit: He/she can’t stop cheating. Be it because of their inability to fully commit to a person or a tendency to feel bored easily, they struggle to stay loyal to their partner
• Lack of personal accountability: A repeat cheater may tell you that this was just a one-time thing but it’s just another ploy for them to wriggle out of taking responsibility for their actions
• Adultery is second nature: A serial cheater, as the name suggests, cheats. A lot. Over the years. Over partners. Over drinks and business meetings. They do not want exclusivity on the sexual front even if they’re in a monogamous, committed relationship

Serial cheating psychology

Now that we’ve touched upon the characteristics of compulsive cheaters, let’s talk about what drives this pattern of infidelity. Shedding light on serial cheating psychology, Shincy says, “Serial cheater personality disorder is the repeated pattern of looking out for people for sexual relationships other than their partner, without knowledge or consent of the present partner. This behavior can be seen in both males and females.”

As a result, you can find some similarities in the male and female cheating behavior patterns as well as the underlying triggers for their inconsistent behavior in a relationship. A study on chronic cheaters’ psychology showed that committing an act of infidelity for either sexual or emotional reasons was related to an increased level of psychological well-being as it raised their levels of self-esteem. It can be called the cheater’s high, which means emotional and psychological satisfaction from unethical behavior, due to perceived gains like:

• Increased sense of autonomy
• A feel-good factor
• A sense of thrill from taking risks and getting away with something

If it’s the thrill and gratification that keeps them going, you may wonder, why do serial cheaters seek committed, monogamous relationships? Shincy explains, “Interestingly, there are different types of cheaters, and not all cheaters cheat for the same reasons. The compulsive cheating disorder is characterized by traits like manipulative behavior, antisocial personality, extreme self-importance, sociopathic tendencies, and others. These can stem from:

• Mood disorders
• Sexual addiction
• Low impulse control
• Underlying childhood traumas like a broken home, abuse
• Low self-esteem or feelings of unworthiness
• Insecure attachment styles

“However, cheating is a violation of trust and most victims of cheating go through emotional turmoil questioning their worth or their fault for the failure of that relationship. But, it has nothing to do with the victim and all boils down to the offender/cheater and their self-destructive tendencies. Even so, for the partner being cheated on, it is a scarring experience.”

Related Reading: 5 Excuses Your Partner Gives For Cheating On You

15 Warning Traits Of A Serial Cheater You Should Never Ignore

On the surface, a person who cheats compulsively may seem slick enough to cover their tracks and get away with their transgressions. However, if you pay close attention, you will begin to notice certain behavior patterns that can expose their conniving, cheating ways.

“Most common traits of serial cheaters are being less empathetic, disinterested, and self-obsessed. Such individuals possess certain attributes that can help you in them,” says Shincy. If you can’t shake off the feeling that your partner has been betraying your trust repeatedly, pay attention to these tell-tale signs:

1. They have cheated in the past

Research has shown that those who cheated before are three times more likely to cheat again. The phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater” definitely rings true in this case. Explaining why it is so, Shincy says, “Habitual cheaters are known to exhibit antisocial or sociopathic tendencies, marked by a constant disregard for rules and loyalty toward everyone in their lives.”

2. They shift blame for their actions

People with compulsive cheating disorder always put the blame for their actions on external factors or other people. Be alarmed if when speaking of their past transgressions, your partner or a romantic interest tries to shake off all accountability by insinuating:

• All of their exes before you were simply not good enough
• They were the victim in their past relationships
• It was their ex’s fault that they cheated

Shincy explains, “People with a cheating addiction have a habit of blame-shifting and always find a way to blame others for their bad behavior or faults. They can make the most impressive mental acrobats to prove that others are responsible for their terrible or miserable actions.”

Related Reading: What To Do When You’re In A Relationship With A Womanizer

3. They are extremely attentive to their looks

Since a person who cheats habitually is always on the prowl, they tend to be unusually conscious of their looks. Irrespective of whether or not they’re currently sleeping with someone else on the side, they want to appear prim and proper at all times. To an unsuspecting eye, this behavior may not seem out of the ordinary. However, when this focus on looks and grooming borders on obsession, it can be a warning sign of cheating. Your partner may be fixated on their looks because it’s the biggest tool in their kitty for luring a romantic/sexual mate outside of the relationship.

4.  A cheater thrives on secrecy

While lying comes naturally to serial cheaters, they truly thrive on secrecy. When you’re in a relationship with one, you will always feel as if there is a part of them you cannot reach. They will be distant in many ways, creating enough ambiguity to supply them with the gray areas they need to continue with their transgressions. Sounds relatable? Pay attention to these clues you’re dating a cheater:

• Your partner doesn’t share details of their life with you
• Your questions about their life, their day, or their work are met with ambiguous replies
• They are unusually territorial about their gadgets
• You’re fuzzy on the details of their social life

Ashlyn, who was married to a man who cheated on her with several women for as long as they were together, says that his being sneaky in a relationship made her smell a rat and dig deeper. “The signs that my husband is a serial cheater started becoming apparent when I started noticing that he hides things from me and then lies to cover his tracks. Over time my suspicion got the better of me, and one night, I started looking through his phone after he had fallen asleep. Lo and behold, there were not one but three women he was sleeping with on the sly. It took me a long time to work past the trauma of his betrayal, but I’m in a better place now,” she says.

5. They’re inherently charming

Another one of the defining traits of a person who cheats compulsively is their inherent charm. They can charm your socks off and are smooth as butter in any social setting. And because they love attention, they have a way of channeling it no matter where they are. Your friends, your coworkers, their friends, their coworker, strangers, and even you, at one point, have been floored by this charm and charisma. It’s as if they have a way of pulling people to them. 

Related Reading:15 Shocking Things Cheaters Say When Confronted

6. They have no remorse

Why would a cheater cheat again, you wonder? Well, serial cheaters continue to betray their partner’s trust because they don’t feel any guilt or remorse over their actions. When something makes you feel so good about yourself, it’s hard to look down upon it.

“A serial cheater personality disorder can be identified by their proclivity for risk and sensation seeking. Though this is an exciting trait to fall for and is seen as the foundation of attraction among many young couples, this adrenaline-seeking behavior can seep into the love life and tend to make them cheaters,” says Shincy.  

7. They don’t attach a lot of value to commitment

While compulsive cheaters may not essentially be a commitment-phobe, they’re not ready to go all-in into a relationship either. This becomes an even bigger threat to a relationship in these tech-driven times when all the avenues to cheat are just a click away.

This low level of commitment can lead to several red flags. For instance, your partner may say they haven’t uninstalled Tinder yet because “it’s harmless fun to keep track of what’s out there”, when, in fact, they could be using it to scout potential mates. Who knows, they may be texting or even sexting with someone on the app.

8. They’re master manipulators 

You will have to give it to them, they have a way of influencing people’s perception of them. A little crying, a little laughter, with some emotional manipulation thrown in the mix, and they get away with their actions because,

• They have a way of making people empathize with them despite everything
• If someone is getting close to catching them, they might start the pity parade
• They gaslight you by turning the tables, painting themselves as the victim and making you feel guilty about their action

Well, they are adept at dramatizing situations. When confronted, a person who cheats habitually may not even shy away from saying things like, “I feel like killing myself.” That’s because they know that will leave you worried and the distraction from the truth is granted.

Related Reading: 20 Warning Signs Of A Cheating Husband Which Defines An Extra Marital Affair

9. They may display certain narcissistic tendencies

It is widely believed that low self-esteem can make a person predisposed to infidelity. But why do women and men with low self-esteem cheat? Explaining the connection between low self-esteem, insecurities, and narcissistic tendencies, and how they all tie together with infidelity, Shincy says, “Such people may have some narcissistic traits. 

“Anyone with a cheating addiction is looking for others to feed their egos. Behind the flamboyance, they are insecure and need others to make them feel worthy by constant reassurance. Hence, it becomes difficult for them to understand others’ wishes or feel remorse or guilt for their actions.” 

10. They thrive in social settings

Another defining characteristic of habitual cheaters is that they’re the life of any social setting. They become the center of attention because they can:

• Charm/entertain people and gain their trust
• Easily hide their true selves
• Be phony, slick and smooth

You may notice that they depend on alcohol or other substances to channel their inner charm and charisma. That’s because the inhibitions get lowered and they get the ‘liquid courage’ to stray. So, when you get to know them up close, it’s not that difficult to notice that they are the bearers of relationship red flags. The tricky thing though is that despite noticing the worrying behavior patterns, you may fall for their charming, smooth-talking ways.

11. They cannot rein in their flirtatious ways

How to tell if a woman or man has multiple partners or covets them? They flirt. A lot. And then dismiss it by saying, “It was harmless.” Here are a few flirtatious patterns you must pay attention to because they may not be as harmless as they’d have you believe:

• Buying a drink for a stranger in a bar
• Paying compliments to your friend about their physical appearance
• Casually making physical contact with a coworker
• Giving a once-over to a ‘hottie’ passing you by in a mall

Related Reading: My Boyfriend Is Flirting Online With Other Girls

12. Their friends drop hints

Even those guilty of serial cheating can have conscientious friends. If their friends have given you hints about your partner’s infidelity, don’t ignore them. These could all be attempts to subtly convey that she/he keeps cheating repeatedly. Here are some other behaviors that should make you question whether your partner’s friends know something they don’t want you to discover:

• Are they wary of introducing you to their friends?
• Do they try to steer clear of the possibility of you socializing with them a lot?
• Do their friends’ comments or know-it-all expressions make your partner squirm?
• Do they jump to change the topic and steer the conversation into safer waters?

13. They gaslight you

A person who cheats repeatedly will need to constantly cover their tracks and throw their partner off the scent. Gaslighting proves to be a handy tool in achieving that. Your partner will try to make you second-guess your own perception of reality by,

• Invalidating your emotions with statements like, “You are blowing things out of proportion.” “You are overreacting.” “Why do you always have to be so dramatic?”
• Guilt-trip you by saying things like, “Look what you made me do.” “How can you even think I’d cheat on you.”
• Denying reality. You may hear them say, “That never happened.” “You are imagining things.” “It’s all in your head.”

14. They’re great storytellers

With all the lies, the secrets, the sleeping around, they need to be organized. They know they need to be two steps ahead of you at all times so that you can’t catch your cheating partner. That’s why one of the classic traits of a person who cheats repeatedly is their ability to build elaborate, believable stories out of thin air. Study their responses when you ask their whereabouts. A serial cheater will always:

• Have an elaborate story
• Complete with hilarious incidents and detailed information about the surroundings and circumstances
• Have it rehearsed so well, that they’d repeat it word for word, no matter how many times you ask

Related Reading: 11 Physical Signs He Is Cheating On You 

15. Their body language is evasive

If you’re looking for signs of guilt from a cheating husband/wife/partner, pay attention to their body language and notice: 

• Is there a hesitation in their speech?
• Do they blink rapidly or sweat while trying to come up with a believable story to cover their tracks?
• Do you often find them avoiding eye contact while talking to you?
• Do you find them restless or fidgety when they talk to you? 

If you have answered in the affirmative to the above questions, chances are that you have an unfaithful partner. The emotional turmoil you’re about to go through may take a toll on you. Now is the time to prioritize yourself and your emotional well-being. Here’s what you can do…

What To Do If You’re In A Relationship With A Serial Cheater

If you could relate to these signs a person may cheat on you over and over again, it’s time to figure out your next move. On this, psychologist Nandita Rambhia says, “Can serial cheaters change? Yes, they can only if they’re committed to doing the necessary work to break unhealthy patterns and replace them with healthier ones. Healing and forgiving require a lot of effort from both partners. It can only happen if both feel a strong need to rebuild love from scratch. If this need is strong, sincere, and honest, the chances of moving ahead are high.”

Even research suggests that re-trusting a partner who has caused you emotional trauma—be it through infidelity, lying, dishonesty, or emotional manipulation—requires openness, the intention to cooperate, sharing, and mutual support between partners. Here are some tips:

• The process starts with acknowledging that there is something damaged that needs to be fixed
• The only way to undo the damage is to make extra efforts to save the relationship
• Deep dive into why the damage happened and what can be done differently this time
• Don’t shame yourself for staying. Forgive yourself and make self-care a priority
• To build trust, pick up new hobbies together and schedule weekly date nights
• Don’t shy away from taking the support of trustworthy people
• If you still see, make the brave move and walk away

Final Thoughts

Serial cheating can be hard to overcome and heal from but it’s not impossible to repair a relationship even after repeated incidents of infidelity. Do you notice signs of true remorse in your partner? Most importantly are those signs of remorse backed by concrete actions? In such cases, it helps to seek guidance from someone more experienced, mature, and non-judgmental. If you’re looking for therapy, our counselors from Bonobology’s panel are just a click away.

Finally, if you have a niggling doubt that something is amiss, keep a keen eye and don’t overlook the subtle warning signs staring you in the face. Once you see your partner displaying more than a handful of than once, sit back, take stock of the situation, and decide your future course of action.

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