Since I became serious about finding a life partner, I have often asked myself what the most important things in a relationship are. To find the answer, I turned to my uncle Greg, who has the most wholesome relationship with his wife, Jacqueline.
I asked him the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, adding that I too wanted a bond like theirs. He replied “Love, love, love, and only love.” So romantic, right? Yeah, but also not too helpful. If only it was that simple and love was all that one needed to sustain relationships!
His wife, Jacqueline, on the other hand, had more valuable insights to offer. She said relationships are complex and layered, and that each couple has different standards of the core values in a relationship. However, respect, trust, intimacy, and shared values are some of the most important things in a relationship.
I was intrigued, for sure, and decided to delve deeper into the intricacies of what makes a relationship successful. In this article, I share some of my learning, backed by insights from counseling psychologist Kranti Momin (Masters in Psychology), who is an experienced CBT practitioner and specializes in various domains of relationship counseling.
Characteristics Of Healthy And Unhealthy Relationships
Table of Contents
What makes a relationship successful varies from couple to couple, however, to build a lasting bond, both partners must be on the same page about what a healthy relationship means to them. Then, they must consistently work toward elevating their relationship to that ideal vision they started out with—it may not happen because people and relationships are rarely perfect, but the consistent effort and will is what serves as the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Related Reading: How Our Relationship And Marriage Has Evolved Over Time
In its absence, unhealthy dynamics begin to take hold. The elements of trust, intimacy, respect, and good communication that are considered the hallmarks of healthy relationships and are found lacking in unhealthy ones are all rooted in this basic premise. To help you understand the characteristic of healthy and unhealthy relationships better, let’s take a closer look at how these elements manifest in each :
| Healthy relationships | Unhealthy relationships |
|---|---|
| 1. Healthy relationships thrive on trust. Honesty, even about mistakes, fortifies this trust. | 1. Lies are a significant feature of unhealthy relationships. While white lies are often considered harmless, lies about significant things, such as careers, health conditions, or one’s past, can ruin relationships. |
2. Healthy boundaries are a must for sustaining healthy relationships. Such boundaries can be about interactions with friends, taking out me-time, etc. | 2.Unhealthy relationships don’t allow you to have space or boundaries. They can be extremely suffocating. |
3. Mutual respect is one of the traits of healthy relationships. | 3. Poor conflict resolution can be bad for relationships. Fights that turn violent and abusive are definite signs of unhealthy relationships. Name-calling, bringing in past mistakes, and ridiculing your partner can be signs of unhealthy relationships. |
4. Healthy relationships have balanced power dynamics, meaning though each partner can assume different roles, nobody gets the right to dominate the other. | 4. Lack of support and a general unwillingness to let a partner do well in life (due to jealousy or to show dominance) can be a major sign of an unhealthy relationship. |
| 5. Compromise is a great sign of a healthy bond. Both partners should adjust with each other (in terms of lifestyle, food habits, and life goals) as long as nobody is forced to change their core values. | 5. Codependency, wherein one partner gives and other partner receives, causing manipulation in the long run, is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. |
18 Most Important Things In A Relationship
To be able to build a wholesome, fulfilling relationship with a significant other, our understanding of love must be accurate and realistic. Kranti says, “Love is the unsaid understanding you need when life leaves you speechless.”
Related Reading: Giving Too Much In A Relationship? How Much To Give Of Yourself
While her advice doesn’t sound any less romantic than uncle Greg’s, it also has some practical insight. Each of us has lived a unique life and has acquired different experiences along the way. Consequently, we have our own beliefs and value system about what makes a relationship work.
For a relationship to last, these beliefs and value systems must align, to a certain degree if not entirely. For that, you need a well-rounded understanding of what makes a relationship successful. Let’s find out:
1. Emotional intimacy
Intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable in front of another person. It allows us to open up and see the world from a different perspective, and is one of the most important things in a relationship. According to an article published by the International Honor Society in Social Sciences, the overall health and well-being of relationships is rooted in the experience of intimacy that results from rational involvement. Here is what emotional intimacy in a relationship looks like:
- You feel heard, seen, and understood
- You create shared experiences with your partner
- You find comfort in silences
- You cheer each other on and celebrate successes
- You feel comfortable sharing your deepest feelings and thoughts
2. Balanced independence
One of the most important components of a relationship is balance. To build a relationship that’s worth keeping, you need to find the balance between independence and interdependence. Without independence, you’ll never grow together as individuals, which means that your connection will eventually become stifling and you’ll want to break free.
Without interdependence, you’re both incomplete, like two halves of a whole trying to fit together but without the glue that can make them stick. Kranti says, “Not giving each other enough space always leads to the couple drifting apart.” This is exactly why balancing personal and shared space should be one of the fundamentals of a relationship.
3. Mutual attraction
One of the qualities of a good relationship is mutual attraction. If you are with a person you are not physically attracted to, the romantic spark will invariably fizzle out. But is being physically attractive the only thing that makes a person attractive? People often place physical attraction as one of the top priorities in a relationship but fail to understand that it is only an aspect of holistic attraction.
If you want to improve your love life, it all starts with learning how attraction works. You need to understand your own ‘type’ and learn how to attract the kind of people you are most compatible with. To do that, look for answers to what makes you click with another person?
- Is it the humor and personality?
- Is it their intellect and ability to have deep, intellectual conversations?
- Is it about how they make you laugh and how much you enjoy yourself when you’re together?
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4. Communication is key
Good communication is one of the fundamentals of a relationship. If you don’t feel like you can talk to your partner about anything and everything, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship. A study states that there is a direct correlation between communication skills and relationship satisfaction.
Whatever you’re dealing with, whether it’s a serious problem or a minor issue, communication is important to solving it. Expressing your feelings might be hard sometimes, but if you want to have a successful relationship, you need to start trying. Communication for couples can be achieved by:
- Doing a conflict check regularly to find out if any issue has been bothering your bae
- Taking time out to talk to each other every day, before going to sleep
- Sending random texts throughout the day
5. Shared life values
Is it easier to love someone who shares your passion? Does it matter that they love to shop when you hate it? Is it better to be in a relationship with someone who shares your need for honesty and transparency? While common or shared interests may not necessarily determine whether a couple will make it in the long haul, shared values are certainly among the most important things in a relationship.
Yes, mutual interest may help you connect and bond in the initial stages of dating, but for a deeper connection and more meaningful relationship, you need to focus on shared values, such as:
- Their idea of a family
- Their idea of raising kids
- Their views on success
Related Reading: 10 Family Values You Must Share With A Long-Term Partner
6. Loyalty
Nothing beats loyalty when it comes to the non-negotiable core values in a relationship. Being loyal in a committed relationship brings in mental peace and allows couples to invest time and energy in long-term goals instead of worrying about their partner’s lack of fidelity.
“There will be strong differing opinions and turbulence in every relationship. There has to be an understanding that you work together as a team and not against each other. That understanding, or glue, is loyalty, and it keeps a couple together through the difficult choices and problems of life,” explains relationship counselor and psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle.
7. Compromise
Wellness coach and counseling psychologist Shazia Saleem says, “Healthy compromise is important for stability in relationships. When we tend to have high expectations in relationships, it’s important to remember that the ‘us’ needs to be prioritized over individual egos most of the time. When two unique individuals come together, marriage becomes the common platform for them to be bigger, better humans, and a relationship should be a win-win situation for both.”
While healthy compromises are one of the most important things in a relationship, they shouldn’t be one-sided or end up changing the entire personality of one partner, or stripping them off their individuality. Compromise can manifest in multiple ways in relationships:
- Lifestyle: Each partner tries to adjust with the other’s lifestyle. For instance, if one partner wants to buy a house, the other starts saving to contribute
- Family planning: If a partner wants to have a kid right away and the other wants to wait 5 years, they compromise and agree to start trying to get pregnant in two years
- Sex life: A healthy sex life also requires compromises on both ends. So, if one partner is willing to try some kink while the other is hesitant, the couple can come to mutual agreement about how far they’re willing to push the envelope of experimenting in bed. For instance, exploring sex toys may be okay but not bondage
Related Reading: On-Again-Off-Again Relationships – How To Break The Cycle
8. Boundaries
Boundaries, one of the most important signs of a healthy relationship, are crucial in the long run. Healthy boundaries can be of many types, such as:
- Sexual boundaries: Respecting each other’s comfort zone while exploring sexual pleasures and never doing something your partner hasn’t consented to
- Financial boundaries: Setting boundaries on money matters. This may include decided who pays for what, discussing transparency or privacy about investments and assets, and so on
- Emotional boundaries: Couples should also not dump their emotional trauma on each other without being sure that the other person is in the right headspace to listen to them
9. Space
One of the qualities of a good relationship is healthy space. No relationship can survive when a partner feels claustrophobic due to the other’s controlling ways. Space in a relationship offers both partners the scope to grow as individuals, which goes a long way in keeping the relationship fresh, and it may look like:
- The freedom to pursue one’s own hobbies
- The freedom to work till late at night without being guilt-tripped
- Spending time away from one’s partner, with one’s family and friends
Related Reading: Resentment In A Relationship – Signs, Causes, And How To Let Go
10. Validation
All healthy couples need validation to survive in the long run. Here are some instances:
- Both feel heard and seen by each other. One doesn’t ignore the other’s needs with statements like, “You are just overreacting.”
- One doesn’t invalidate the other partner’s moods by giving them the silent treatment
- One partner doesn’t make the other partner feel guilty for crying or stating their emotional needs
11. Affection
Yes, sex is important. But so is affection, which is considered one of the signs of a healthy relationship. No relationship can be complete without the little affectionate moments, such as holding hands, kissing, and cuddling.
Andrea, a 35-year-old mother of two from Washington who has been happily married for over 10 years, says affection is one of the most important things in a relationship, in the long run. “We still love the little affectionate gestures and non-sexual activities, such as slow-dancing and cooking together. That’s what keeps our marriage alive.”
Related Reading: The 5 Types Of Love Languages And How To Use Them For Happy Relationships
12. Acceptance of flaws
The most effective and successful relationships have two people accepting each other through and through—warts and all. Acceptance, one of the major components of a relationship, can look like:
- Celebrating their quirks, even if you find them outrageous. For example, if they like neon-colored clothes, you shouldn’t ridicule them for it
- Accepting some bad habits. Do they talk loudly on the phone when you’re watching your favorite series? You can tell them you don’t like it but without raising hell for it
- Helping your partner if they’re trying to change. So, if your partner is short-tempered but is trying to control their anger, you help them in the process, and not criticize or ridicule their efforts
13. Empathy
Most couples in long-term relationships practice empathy and let go of a lot of issues. Now, this doesn’t mean you should shove every conflict under the carpet—that too is unhealthy. But when it comes to judging your partner’s actions, it’s wise to be empathetic and try to understand it from their perspective.
Consultant women empowerment enthusiast and parenting coach Jaseena Backer says, “If a partner does not develop empathy, the dynamic doesn’t progress. It’s important for both partners to build empathy, since you’re not supposed to be alone in a relationship. To be more empathetic means understanding the other person. It means having clear boundaries in your relationship and respecting them. Most importantly, it means understanding the needs of your spouse.”
Related Reading: 6 Ways To Be More Empathetic In A Relationship According To An Expert
14. Gratitude
You should always consider the fact that you are extremely lucky to be able to share your life with someone who values you and wants to share their life with you. This goes a long way in countering the tendency to start taking each other for granted after a while.
Gratitude can be shown through little gestures. Alice, a 38-year-old accountant, says, “My partner and I post little ‘thank you’ notes on the fridge every time we do each other a small favor. It cements our bond in a way.”
15. Forgiveness
Signs of a healthy relationship include the ability to forgive a partner for their mistakes, big or small. Forgiveness doesn’t come easy and, in certain grave cases, it can take its toll on you too. But if you’re in it for the long run and have faith in your partner, you should be able to forgive them and forget their mistakes.
Lila, a 40-year-old entrepreneur from New York, says: “I had to make a difficult decision when I forgave my partner, John, for cheating on me. It was a one-night stand, but I wouldn’t have known had he not confided in me 6 months later. Once I forgave him, my heart felt a lot lighter. It took me weeks to do so, but we have been able to move on from this setback.”
16. Trust
Trust is the foundation on which stability in relationships rests. Expert Jayant Sundaresan says, “Distrust won’t allow us to open up to our significant other. In relationships without trust, you are neither open to receiving nor giving love. Both of you are limiting yourself from one another and curbing the growth of the relationship. Do you see how the lack of trust in a relationship won’t allow you to relax with each other?”
So, make sure you’ve reached a level of trust in your relationship, where you don’t need to be anxious about your partner’s moves, don’t need to go through their phones, and don’t need to keep an eye on their social media activity.
Related Reading: Push Pull Relationship – 9 Ways To Overcome It
17. Playfulness
The one thing that binds a long-term relationship is the playfulness quotient. It’s very important to share some light-hearted banter and fun with each other. It makes the relationship less boring and lets your inner child out. So, add some humor, playfulness, and flirting in your daily life with your partner, and you’ll see it works wonders.
18. Teamwork
A marriage or a relationship should rely on teamwork. One partner shouldn’t be taking up all the burden. Be it facing relationship problems, such as infidelity, or battling financial or health problems, both partners should work together to fight the issues and bring the relationship back to its healthy route.
Related Reading: 9 Signs Of Complacency In A Relationship
Infographic On What Makes A Relationship Successful
We’ve talked about the most important things in a relationship. Now, the question is, how do you inculcate these in your bond? It takes conscious effort from both partners to build habits that bolster the characteristics of a healthy relationship. To build these habits, you need to understand what makes a relationship successful:
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What does a healthy relationship look like?
Healthy bonds are free of lies, jealousy, lack of support, name-calling, and codependency. Healthy couples consist of two people who come together and work as a team, forgive each other time and again, and maintain mutual respect.
2. What to look for in a relationship?
A few things that are of utmost importance in a relationship are: good communication for couples, along with loyalty, boundaries, and space. Most importantly, your partner should be able to empathize and show gratitude.
3. Which behavior indicates healthy communication in a relationship?
Healthy communication, one of the most important things in a relationship, doesn’t just include verbal communication but also gestures of love. One of the prime behaviors of healthy communication is the ability to resolve conflicts without name-calling, ridiculing, or using sarcasm.
Related Reading: Sacrificing In A Relationship – When, What And How Much?
Key Pointers
- The idea of love and relationship can be subjective, but their success rests a few fundamental pillars
- Emotional intimacy, mutual attraction, communication, and shared values are some of the most important things in a relationship
- No relationship is perfect, but by paying attention to these aspects of healthy bonds, you can keep growing toward long-lasting bliss
Final Thoughts
So, there it is — our list of the most important things in a relationship. However, this list of qualities to aspire to in a relationship is, by no means, exhaustive. As a couple, you and your partner may find certain other traits to be just as important, and that’s perfectly valid. You see, one of the fundamental aspects of a successful relationship is mutual agreement on what matters in life. You don’t have to agree on all accounts, of course. But it’s pivotal that you both live your life on similar principles, even if to varying degrees.
As Kranti explains, “It’s okay if your views on morals and values don’t always match. However, your values and morals mustn’t lie on the opposite end of the spectrum. You should be able to stay true to your principles without perpetual conflict.” Having different perspectives is what adds to the spice and scope of growth in a relationship, but the art of finding a middle ground despite the differences is what makes for an ideal relationship.
So, make an effort to be open to love and make your significant other feel loved every single day. Put these ideas into practice, and you can help strengthen your bond with your partner for good.
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