“I can’t stop thinking about you” is a common refrain in the early stages of romance, when you’re consumed by a heady rush of feelings. As things progress, the rush of infatuation subsides and transforms into a more stable feeling of love, and you’re not always consumed by the thoughts of the person you’re smitten with. 

This is the natural course of romantic feelings that we all experience at some point. But what if the rush doesn’t subside and you can’t seem to get that one person off your mind? What does it mean when you can’t stop thinking about someone? Well, clearly it’s a sign that something is amiss, especially if these thoughts become so intrusive and all-consuming that they begin to impact your quality of life or your emotional well-being. 

If that’s where you find yourself—thinking obsessively about a new crush, an ex, the one that got away, or a romantic partner you’ve been with for a while—it’s important to pause and reflect on what’s triggering this ruminating and take stock of how it’s been affecting your life and mental health. We’re here to aid you in this journey of exploration and introspection, backed by insights from some renowned mental health professionals and relationship experts. 

What Does It Mean When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone

My friend, Sam, landed herself in a complicated mess when she reconnected with her married ex and rekindled the romance. It was exciting, it was dizzying, it was life-altering. She felt seen, validated, desired, and loved—things she hadn’t felt in her marriage for a long time. I could see her blushing and giggling like a teenager suddenly but she wouldn’t say why. 

Then, it all went up in smoke as suddenly as it had started. About six months into the affair, her ex unilaterally decided to put an end to it and ghosted her without so much as an explanation. Sam was distraught, heartbroken, and seemed preoccupied and distant. These sudden and drastic changes in her demeanor were concerning, to say the least, and so I decided I must get to the bottom of whatever was eating away at her. 

Upon much prodding, Sam broke down, recounted the whole tale, and then, bawling, she asked, “Why can’t I stop thinking about him?” What worried me the most was not her infidelity or her heartbreak but how badly all of this had affected her. 

A chill ran down my spine as she went on to say, “I keep checking my phone every few seconds throughout the day, waiting for a text from him. I look at this contact in my phone and see that he has blocked me, and I cry. I think about the times we spent together all the time, while I’m going through the motions of my actual life. Whether I’m at my work, sitting with the kids, in the shower, cooking, driving to work, or even sitting with you here, mentally, I’m with him. Thinking about him. Wishing he were here. Fantasizing about him. Missing him.”

Her thoughts about her ex, twice over, were beyond just missing someone or nursing a broken heart. They’d become textbook intrusive and disruptive. Why was this happening to her, I wondered. What does it mean when you can’t stop thinking about someone?

As I delved deeper into the issue, I discovered that not being able to stop thinking about someone usually reflects a deep emotional attachment or preoccupation. This can stem from romantic feelings, unresolved emotions, or admiration. When we are attracted to someone, our brain releases chemicals like dopamine, which reinforces pleasurable feelings, making thoughts about that person almost addictive. 

Related Reading: Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About Him? 18 Possible Reasons

These thoughts can become stronger and hard to get rid of in case of unresolved situations that trigger anxiety. The mind latches on to the unfinished business you have with the person, in trying to figure out the why and how creates a loop of repetitive thoughts. Psychologist Dr. Guy Winder explains, “Unrequited love can trigger an emotional turmoil, bringing about unhealthy patterns of thinking that you can’t seem to break free from.” This can affect your emotional and mental well-being, leading to 

• Anxiety
• Overthinking
• Stress
• Sleeplessness
• Mood swings 
• Poor concentration 

Related Reading: Why Do I Still Care About Someone Who Hurt Me?

7 Reasons You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone

Thinking about someone all the time is clearly not healthy and can impact you on so many levels. If you’ve found yourself in a situation where you can’t stop your mind from wandering in the direction of a specific person, you may have found yourself wondering, “Why can’t I stop thinking about someone?” Given that uncovering the underlying reason behind these elaborate thought patterns that play on a loop is the key to figuring out how to not think about someone, let’s look at 7 possible underlying causes behind this tendency:  

1. Romantic attraction

Well, duhhhh! If you can’t stop thinking about someone, it’s because you’re romantically attracted to them. Romantic attraction triggers the release of feel-good chemicals like dopamine in the body, and you want to relive that feeling over and over again. That’s why you want to be close to the person you’re attracted to all the time, and when you can’t you spend your time fantasizing about them. 

Why can’t I get him off my mind? Why can’t I stop thinking about her? Well, because you’ve got a crush, you’re smitten, you’re catching feelings. This is exactly the heady rush of feelings I spoke about right at the beginning of this article. If that’s why you find yourself thinking about someone all the time, relax. It will pass over time.   

2. Infatuation 

This is quite similar to thinking about someone all the time because you’re attracted to them. Attraction often gives way to the intense but fleeting feeling of infatuation where you idealize the person you’re besotted with and can’t help thinking about them obsessively. 

Psychologist Dr. Frank Tallis describes infatuation as “a state where your brain locks onto the idea of a person being perfect, which can lead to obsessive thoughts.” Naturally, when everything seems so ideal and picture-perfect, you wouldn’t want to escape that little fantasy world you’ve built for yourself. That’s why for days or even weeks, you may find yourself daydreaming about this person and your future together. 

Related Reading: 21 Differences Between Love And Infatuation

3. Unresolved emotions

Now this is where things get tricky. You may be thinking about someone way too much because there are unresolved feelings at play. Maybe things ended abruptly or when you least expected them to, maybe they ghosted you (as it happened with my friend, Sam), or maybe they’re freezing you out after a big fight and the uncertainty about where things stand is eating away at you. Situations where there is unfinished business or a lack of closure can make you keep thinking about that person, in an attempt to make sense of what happened or how things could have been different.

4. Emotional dependency

Kate, who has just started interning at a marketing firm after finishing college, finds herself unable to concentrate on anything because she can’t seem to get her boyfriend off her mind. “During our time in college, I leaned on him for everything, be it a fight with my mom, problems with my girlfriends, the day-to-day logistics. 

“Now that we’re in a long-distance relationship, I miss him terribly. All I do is think about what he must be up to, when he’ll call, or why hasn’t he texted back. Since he is also trying to settle into a new job and place, he is busy. And it makes me feel like he doesn’t need me or care about him anymore. This is causing so many problems between us. Why can’t I stop thinking about him?”

This is a classic example of excessive emotional dependence on someone, which can trigger intrusive thoughts. When you begin to view someone as an anchor in your life, it can become hard to maintain your individuality and independence. This can leave you thinking about them obsessively.  

Related Reading: What Is An Enmeshed Relationship? Signs And How To Set Boundaries

5. Insecurity

Why can’t I stop thinking about someone, you wonder? Your insecurities could be at play. When you’re anxious about your relationship with someone because you’re insecure or unsure about where you stand with them or how they perceive you, you may end up playing imaginary scenarios in your mind about different aspects of the relationship. 

What’s worse, these thought patterns are often negative. You keep catastrophizing or imagining worst-case scenarios because you’re not sure what that person thinks or feels about you. And your insecurities tend to make you imagine the worst. Dr Winch says, “Insecurity about a relationship can magnify your thoughts, making them seem much more significant than they are.”

6. ‘What could have been’ scenarios

If the person you’re unable to get off your mind is “the one who got away” or you’re dealing with one-sided love, you might find yourself imagining “what could have been” scenarios, thinking about what could have been or how things could have turned out differently. 

More often than not, these make-believe scenarios are an idealized version of an imagined future, and they offer a sweet escape from the harsh reality that these fantasies may never come to pass. That’s why it can become easy to fixate on these thoughts, making them all-consuming and larger-than-life 

7. Emotional impact

If someone has had a huge impact on you emotionally—be it positive or negative—you may struggle to get them off your mind. For instance, Andrea’s heady romance with a friend she developed feelings for ended when she got pregnant and he bailed. As soon as she shared the news, he disconnected the call on some pretext and then never called her back again. 

She decided to terminate the pregnancy and had to go through the whole ordeal alone. It has been 11 years since, and she still can’t stop thinking about why he ghosted her the way she did. “We were friends for years before that…It’s not like I wanted anything from him except to have him there by my side when I went through with the abortion…How could he? Why did he? What was my fault?” The thoughts keep churning, even though she knows as well as anyone that there is no point to it. 

Related Reading: Why Are You Obsessed With Someone You Barely Know — 10 Possible Reasons

Signs Thinking About Someone Is Becoming A Problem

Like I’ve been saying, having someone on your mind a lot is not always indicative of a problem. You don’t need to be losing sleep over, “Why am I thinking about someone so much?”, if it’s happening at the beginning of a romantic relationship or because you’ve developed a crush. All these fantasies can fill you with excitement, hope, motivation, and even a sense of purpose as you think about building a relationship or deepening the connection. As time passes, so will these all-consuming thoughts. 

However, if you’ve been thinking obsessively about an ex, an unrequited love, your partner, or the thoughts about your crush/romantic prospect have become so consuming that they’re interfering with your ability to navigate life, it’s time to take action. How do you tell the two apart? Pay attention to the following signs that suggest that thinking about someone is becoming a problem:   

• You can’t focus on your real life: If your thoughts about someone are so constant and consuming that you’re unable to focus on work, daily activities, or your responsibilities, it’s a red flag
• You’re losing sleep: Staying up late, tossing and turning, or waking up with them on your mind? These are all signs that your preoccupation with someone is interfering with your well-being
• You overanalyze every interaction: If you’re spending hours replaying conversations or dissecting their every word, your thought patterns are bordering on an unhealthy obsession
• You feel anxious or stressed when they don’t respond quickly: If a lack of or delay in communication from their end makes you spiral into worry, you may have let this person take too much control over your mind and emotions
• You stop engaging in activities you enjoy: If you’ve made this person’s validation and presence the sole source of joy in your life and are giving up on hobbies, spending time with friends and loved ones, and beginning to isolate yourself, you clearly have a problem that needs to be dealt with promptly
• You’re constantly checking your phone: Obsessively waiting for texts or social media notifications, checking your phone every few seconds, feeling a wave of disappointment wash over you when your phone beeps but the notification is from someone else are all signs of unhealthy obsession
• Your mood depends on them: If their actions dictate how you feel every day, it’s a sign you’ve given them way too much power and control over you. This can be harmful to your emotional stability
• You lose track of time: You procrastinate for hours, daydreaming about them. It’s, as if, all your mental space has been occupied by this one person 
• You neglect self-care. Skipping meals, workouts, or personal routines because you’re too distracted thinking about them? Yep, you’ve got a problem
• You feel emotionally drained. If thoughts about this person leave you feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, it’s a sign your preoccupation with them is unhealthy

How to Stop Thinking Of Someone Obsessively  

If you’ve identified that being constantly preoccupied with someone is affecting you negatively, it’s time to address the issue. The fact of the matter is that no matter how much mind space you give this person, how many scenarios you play out in your mind, or how you wishfully think that things will play out exactly how you want them to be, all these ruminating thoughts are doing is take a toll on your mental health, emotional well-being, and quality of life. 

It’s time to say, “Que sera sera,” my friend, and take back control of your thoughts and your life. Yes, I know it’s easier said than done—been there. So, to help, I bring you these 7 expert-backed tips on how to stop thinking of someone obsessively: 

Related Reading: Emotional Intelligence In Relationships: Make Love Last Forever

1. Acknowledge your feelings

When you ask yourself, “Why am I thinking about someone so much?”, it’s likely that some uncomfortable emotions and feelings will come up. Don’t push these away or bottle them up. It’s okay to feel attached to someone, be confused about an unexpected turn of events in a relationship, or feel hurt by someone’s actions—or lack thereof. You need to acknowledge these uncomfortable feelings to begin the healing process. Dr Winch says, “Unprocessed emotions will continue to surface till you face them head-on.” So, let yourself feel without letting your emotions control you. Let it hurt until it hurts no more. 

2. Set boundaries with yourself

Setting emotional boundaries is not only important for forging healthy relationships with others but also for yourself. Setting a boundary to break the loop of overthinking and keep you grounded in reality can sound something like, “I will not let myself be consumed by thoughts of him/her.” 

The next time you find yourself spiraling into an endless loop of thoughts, use this sentence to break free. This might take practice but eventually, you will be able to honor this boundary you set with yourself. At the beginning, it can be helpful to give yourself a set timeline to think about this person—10 minutes every two hours, for instance—and then move on to something else. Gradually, reduce this time till you’re able to push away these thoughts at will.  

Related Reading: Ways To Move On And Find Happiness All Over Again

3. Prioritize self-care

When thoughts about someone else take over your mind, your own well-being can recede into the background. The reverse is equally true. Relationship therapist Esther Perel advises, “Reclaiming yourself is the antidote to obsession. It allows you to reconnect with the things that make you, you.” So, shift the focus back to yourself. Get back to the gym, practice mindfulness, pursue your hobbies, and spend time with your loved ones. Self-care is key to regaining control. 

4. Steer clear of social media stalking

Let’s face it—social media stalking is the fuel to the fire of obsessive thoughts. “Constantly viewing someone’s social media prolongs emotional attachment,” warns Dr. Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist. The more you check their profiles, the harder it is to not think about them or obsess about how they seem to be enjoying their life while you’re here pining for them. A clean break from their online presence can be immensely helpful in breaking the loop of thoughts you seem to be caught in. It might be tough at first but distance will help in the long run.

5. Talk about it

Often certain thoughts and ideas seem too overwhelming in our minds but when we vocalize them, they seem a lot easier to deal with. If you have been struggling with the question, “How do I stop thinking about someone?”, talking to a trusted friend or a confidante can be a game changer. 

Venting can release the emotional weight of your thoughts. Hearing someone else’s perspective can also help you see the situation more clearly. You can also consider seeking professional help and talking to a therapist about breaking this cycle of thoughts. A trained mental health professional can help you pinpoint the exact trigger for these thought patterns and work through it. If you’re considering seeking help, skilled and experienced mental health professionals on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.

6. Get busy with new activities

Distraction is a powerful tool. Keeping yourself busy with new activities can reduce the time you spend obsessing. This may include learning a new skill, taking up a hobby, or hanging out with people who lift your spirits. Staying occupied can gradually shift your focus away from the person. 

Now, when you think of an activity to fill up your time and mind space with, you must choose something that is in no way associated with the person you’ve been thinking about. If you went cycling with them every Sunday morning or baked together, going back to those activities will only remind you of them more. 

7. Stop idealizing them

When you’re obsessively thinking about someone, it’s easy to put them on a pedestal. In your mind’s eye, this person is perfect. Just right for you. Just what you need. The only one who can make you live your life to the fullest. However, this version of them is what your mind has conjured up for some reason. 

Remember, no one is perfect. To be able to let go of obsessive thoughts about someone, you need to see them for who they are, flaws and all. Psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone says, “Idealizing someone creates an unrealistic version of them in your mind. This only deepens the attachment.” To break this idealized version of them, make a list of things about them that are less than perfect, or remind yourself of any moments that weren’t so great. This will help balance your view and loosen their grip on your thoughts.

Final Thoughts 

When your mind is constantly occupied with someone, the intrusive, all-consuming thoughts can take a toll on your quality of life as well as your mental health. Once you recognize the warning signs, it’s imperative to get to the root cause and then work toward breaking free from the pattern. It may seem impossible when you’re in the thick of these thought loops but by taking conscious steps, you can regain control of your mind.  

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