Why Am I So Sexually Attracted To Someone?

Spread the love

Have you ever felt weak in the knees and dizzy in the head just by thinking of someone or being in their proximity? You know, the kind where you can’t stop making up scenarios in your head about different ways you’d have hot, steamy sex with this person, and just those thoughts have you raring to go. Yeah? Well, you’re experiencing intense sexual attraction, which can be all-consuming. When you can’t shake off these naughty thoughts to focus on anything else, it’s only natural to be puzzled by the question, “Why am I so sexually attracted to someone I’m not even romantically involved with?”

Depending on your situation, this sexual chemistry you’re experiencing can either be the gateway to ethereal experiences or set you on an agonizing path of suffocating your desires. In either case, a better understanding of this undeniable sexual connection you’re feeling can help you process your desires better, without letting them take a toll on you, and offer clarity on how you want to handle them. To that end, let’s take a closer look at where intense sexual attraction originates and how you can deal with it.

How Sexual Attraction Develops

Table of Contents

Have you ever looked at the object of your desires, and found yourself perplexed by the question, “Why am I so sexually attracted to him/her?” Surely has happened to me. Back when I was a journalism student, I had a massive crush on a guy who was a year senior. Every time we’d cross each other in the hallway or sit together as part of a group, I couldn’t think of anything except what it’d be like to kiss him or more.

While he wasn’t a typically attractive guy or even charming, something about his aloof persona really drew me in. So, you see, sexual attraction can work in fascinating ways. It’s often a complex phenomenon, shaped by a mix of biology, psychology, and social factors, and not merely governed by looks or first impressions. If you’ve ever wondered why you feel an instant spark or unexplainable connection with someone or why attraction deepens the more you get to know someone, let’s peel the layers of sexual chemistry to help you understand.

sexual tension meaning — Sexual attraction works in fascinating ways

The science of sexual attraction

Contrary to the belief that sexual chemistry between two people or attraction toward someone is triggered by how you feel about them, its origin is more biological. Your brain and body are hardwired to respond to specific cues that signal compatibility, health, and fertility, and that’s what makes you sexually attracted to someone. This attraction is governed by factors such as:

1. Pheromones: The invisible connection

Pheromones are chemical signals released by the body that can influence how attractive you find someone. While you don’t consciously notice them, your brain does. “Pheromones play a subtle but powerful role in attraction. They act as a subconscious way to gauge compatibility,” says Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and author of Anatomy of Love. For instance, a 1995 study published in Nature found that women are more attracted to the scent of men with different immune system genes (MHC genes) than their own. This biological preference increases the chances of producing healthier offspring.

2. Dopamine and oxytocin: The love chemicals

sexual connection — Sexual attraction is driven by feel-good hormones

Neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin are also at play when you feel strong sexual attraction to someone. Attraction leads to the release of dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. Likewise, sexual desire as well as any interactions with the person you’re attracted to or even fleeting physical touch leads to the release of oxytocin, often called the “love hormone.” Together, these chemicals make the state of sexual attraction a feel-good experience, making you want to relive it over and over again. Think of it as your brain’s way of saying, “This person makes me feel amazing. I want more of this.”

3. Physical cues and symmetry

Certain physical features like facial symmetry, clear skin, or physical fitness convey health and virility to your brain, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. In addition to these standards of conventional attractiveness, physical attributes like the way someone speaks or carries themselves can also trigger attraction. For example, research from the Royal Society found that men tend to find women with higher-pitched voices more attractive because they signal youth and fertility, while women are often drawn to deeper voices that signal strength and maturity.

Related Reading: 13 Female Physical Features That Attract A Man Immensely

The role of psychology

While biology sets the stage for sexual attraction between two people, how it plays out depends on your experiences, values, and personality. This is where psychology governs sexual attraction in the following ways:

1. The “similarity effect”

Contrary to the stereotype that opposites attract, people are often drawn to those who they share values, interests, or commonalities with. Studies have consistently shown that shared core values and interests create a stronger foundation for attraction—a phenomenon psychologists call the “similarity effect.” So, if you already feel attracted to someone, discovering that they share your love for hiking, or passion for rescuing animals, or love the same kind of music as you can enhance those feelings. A shared connection creates a sense of familiarity and trust, making you feel closer to each other.

2. Attachment style

Your attachment style, which is shaped by childhood experiences, plays a key role in who you’re drawn to and how attraction develops. For example, if you have a secure attachment style, you may be attracted to emotionally available and consistent partners. But if you have an insecure attachment style—avoidant, anxious, or disorganized—you might find yourself drawn to emotionally distant or unpredictable partners, even if they’re not good for you in the long run.

“Your past relationships and emotional patterns can act as a template for attraction.”
—Dr. Sue Johnson, psychologist and author of Hold Me Tight

The intangible spark

Sometimes, attraction defies explanation. You might meet someone who doesn’t check any of your usual “boxes” but still ignites an undeniable spark. This could be sexual chemistry, a mix of physical and emotional compatibility that feels instinctive and unexplainable. “Attraction is not just about what you see but also how someone makes you feel about yourself,” says Dr. Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist.

The connection between sexual chemistry and intimacy

intimacy is an instant feeling of passion — Sexual chemistry is the initial spark that draws two people to each other

Sexual chemistry is often considered to be the same as intimacy in a relationship. It’s not unusual for people to think that intimacy is an instant feeling of passion you feel for someone or think that sexual connection and intimacy are synonymous. While the two are closely linked, they’re not the same thing. Sexual chemistry is the initial spark that draws two people to each other and intimacy is the flame that keeps the fire burning. They often complement and enhance each other, but can also exist independently.

Sexual chemistry can spark intimacy

Sexual chemistry often acts as the gateway to intimacy. When you’re physically attracted to someone, you want to spend time with them and get to know them better. Over time, this leads to a strong connection fostered in emotional closeness as trust, as a result of which intimacy grows. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that couples with strong sexual chemistry were more likely to invest in emotional intimacy, creating a positive feedback loop between the two.

Related Reading: Signs A Man Is Sexually Attracted To You

Intimacy can deepen sexual chemistry

While the sexual attraction between two people can start on a purely physical level, when intimacy develops, it can make the sexual connection also more fulfilling and meaningful. For instance, early in a relationship, you might be drawn to your partner purely for their physical appeal. Over time, as you share secrets, dreams, and life challenges, the sexual connection becomes intertwined with your emotional bond, making it even more passionate.

Sexual attraction and intimacy can exist independently of each other

sexual tension with someone you can't have — Love and sexual attraction aren’t always interconnected

Like I’ve said before, not only are sexual attraction and intimacy two different things, but they can exist independently of one another. You may experience sexual chemistry without intimacy in the case of a one-night stand or a casual fling where the attraction may be fiery but is purely physical and the connection lacks emotional depth.

A deep emotional bond can exist between two people in a romantic relationship even without any sexual element. This may happen when two people have been together a long time and share a deep love and strong connection but the sexual spark has faded over time. Or the relationship may lack a sexual element right from the beginning, as is the case in relationships between asexuals or demisexuals.

When sexual attraction and intimacy coexist, it’s the most fulfilling combination

“While sexual chemistry can ignite a relationship, intimacy is what sustains it. Relationships thrive when both are present,” says Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. When sexual chemistry and intimacy align, it makes you feel both desired and understood, creating a balance of passion and security in a relationship. That’s why couples in long-term relationships often report that their sexual connection becomes more fulfilling over time because intimacy enhances the chemistry they felt initially.

Why Am I So Sexually Attracted To Him/Her? 7 Probable Causes

Now that you understand how sexual attraction takes hold, plays out, and its role in building fulfilling connections, let’s circle back to why you may be feeling strong sexual attraction to someone. There is no denying that intense sexual attraction can feel overwhelming and all-consuming, and sometimes, it seems so inexplicable that it leaves you wondering, “Why am I so sexually attracted to him/her?”

While you may not be able to rationally explain the sexual tension and attraction you feel with someone, it’s never random. There are always underlying factors at play. These include:

Related Reading: The Different Types Of Attraction And How To Recognize Them

1. Your brain sees them as a good match

Unbeknownst to you, your brain may be picking up signals like pheromones that act as chemical messengers, leading to the release of dopamine and oxytocin, thus working as catalysts of sexual attraction on a subconscious level.

“Pheromones influence attraction by signaling genetic compatibility, which our brains instinctively seek out for reproductive purposes,” explains Dr. Fisher. A telling sign of this would be that you feel drawn to a specific aspect of this person’s physicality, like their natural scent (not the perfume or cologne they’re wearing).

2. You find them physically attractive

strong sexual attraction to someone — Sexual attraction feels magnetic

If you often find yourself wondering, “Why do I want him so bad sexually? Or “Why am I so sexually charged around her?”, especially when you don’t know this person too well or haven’t spent any quality time with them, it could be they possess certain physical traits that you subconsciously find attractive—it could be their height, the color of their eyes, their smile, or even their voice. In such cases, even though you don’t have a real connection to the person, you can’t stop thinking about them or looking at them when they’re in your vicinity. The sexual attraction feels magnetic and hard to rein in.

3. There’s a shared energy and charisma

If you’re wondering, “Why am I so sexually attracted to someone I don’t even know too well?”, the answer may lie not just in the person’s physicality but also in the way they make you feel about yourself. Perhaps, you’re drawn to their confidence or their enthusiasm feels contagious, or the way they light up a room by just walking into it. If you suddenly feel sexually drawn to a coworker, a mentor, or an acquaintance, this could be the underlying reason.

People who exude charisma often trigger feelings of admiration and desire. “Charisma isn’t just about charm; it’s about how someone makes you feel seen and valued. That emotional connection can heighten attraction,” says Vanessa Van Edwards, author of Captivate.

Related Reading: 15 Tips To Identify When You Are Connecting With Someone

4. Emotional or intellectual connection

If you’re suddenly experiencing strong sexual attraction to someone you’ve known a long time, the connection you share with them can be the reason why. Perhaps, you find yourself sexually attracted to a friend. It may seem sudden and out of the blue, but if you really think about it, you’d find that the trajectory from a platonic connection to feelings of attraction goes through deep, meaningful conversations and feeling seen, heard, and validated by that person.

Maybe you were going through a difficult time and this person was there for you through it all. You talked late into the night or they spent their evening comforting you. You liked the way their presence made you feel—secure and reassured. Now, suddenly, you can’t think of them as just a friend anymore. The desire you feel for them grows stronger and harder to deny.

Emotional and intellectual intimacy often does that, and when it gets intertwined with sexual desire, it can make the connection between two people even more intense. “Emotional and intellectual compatibility create a foundation for a deeper type of attraction, where the mind and body align,” says Dr. Perel in her book Mating in Captivity.

5. Unresolved desires or fantasies

A deep sexual desire can also stem from unresolved feelings, desires, or fantasies. For instance, you may continue to harbor a deep sexual desire for an ex with whom you had fiery sexual chemistry. You may have ended the relationship for whatever reason but you haven’t found that magnetic sexual connection with anyone else, and so you keep longing for them.

Or you may be attracted to someone because they embody a quality you greatly admire. Say they’re adventurous and carefree. Even though that is in stark contrast to your personality or the people you’re usually attracted to, it feels exhilarating and you can’t stop feeling drawn to them. This could also be because their carefree and open personality aligns with certain subconscious fantasies that you may not even be aware of.

“People often project their unmet desires onto someone they’re attracted to, which makes the pull feel even stronger.”
—Dr. Harville Hendrix, relationship counselor

6. The thrill of the chase

If you’re feeling sexual tension with someone you can’t have, the lure of the forbidden fruit or the thrill of the chase could be drawing you to them. A study published in Psychology Today suggests that obstacles or uncertainty can heighten attraction by triggering the brain’s reward system, making the “chase” feel addictive.

So, you may find yourself drawn to someone who is married or feel sexually attracted to a coworker, or may be unable to stop fantasizing about that emotionally unavailable guy/girl you hook up with every once in a while. Even though you know going down this road may complicate things, the kick you get from merely imagining what it’d be like to have this chase come to fruition can keep you hooked.

7. Timing and context

when you want someone so bad sexually — A paradigm-shifting life can stir up feelings of attraction

“Your emotional state and circumstances influence how you perceive others. Sometimes, attraction is about filling a gap in your life,” says Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert. The pull you’re feeling toward another person, the all-consuming sexual desire you’re drowning in could well be situational.

You might have experienced a major change in life, and the circumstances leading up to or after this paradigm-shifting life event may have played a role in stirring up feelings of attraction. A common example of this would be rebound relationships after a breakup. You may begin putting yourself out there to soothe your aching heart, seeking purely carnal connections with the person/people you’re attracted to, or finding yourself drawn to people you normally wouldn’t consider going out with.

What to Do When You’re Sexually Attracted To Someone

Experiencing powerful sexual attraction toward someone can bring up a whole host of emotions, right from excitement to confusion, and frustration, leaving you feeling overwhelmed. When you want someone so bad sexually and are caught in this whirlwind of emotions, you may end up acting in ways that you come to regret later on. That’s why it’s important to take some time to figure out if and how you should act on it.

You need to ask yourself, “Do you want it to develop into something more, or just want to play out your desires to quell your curiosity? If you want something more, is there a possibility of that happening or is it a no-go situation? Your answer to these questions will determine how you take this forward. Let’s break it down:

Related Reading: How To Lose Feelings For Someone You Love And Let Go

When it can go forward

If you get the sense that the sexual tension you’re experiencing with someone is mutual and nothing is standing in your way, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t explore what this connection could materialize into. However, even in this situation, it’s best to not jump with both feet. You must navigate the situation sensitively and cautiously. Here’s how:

1. Take it slow

To explore whether sexual attraction can pave the way for a deeper connection, you need to get to know the person better. “Attraction is powerful, but it’s only one piece of a healthy relationship puzzle. Look for shared values, interests, and emotional compatibility,” advises Dr. Gottman.

This is vital because strong attraction can cloud your judgment and make you overlook red flags or glaring incompatibility even if it’s staring you in the face. If you meet someone and feel like sparks are flying all over the place, instead of acting on your impulse and sleeping with them, consider meeting them for coffee, exchanging numbers, talking, and texting for a while to see if there is any real potential.

2. Be honest about your intentions

When you want someone so bad sexually, the overwhelming desire can make you act in disingenuous ways. For instance, even if you’re looking for a long-term connection, you may agree to a no-strings-attached relationship just because you want them so badly. Or make false promises of wanting a serious relationship when all you’re looking for is some casual fun. This can end up complicating things, resulting in heartbreak for either one or both of you. That’s why, first and foremost, you need to be clear about what you seek from exploring this connection and then be upfront about your intentions, so that you are both on the same page.

Related Reading: Starting A New Relationship? Here are 21 Do’s and Don’ts To Help

3. Focus on building a well-rounded connection

While strong sexual chemistry can set the stage for an intense connection between two people, emotional intimacy is what sustains it in the long run. So, don’t just limit your interactions to sex and the exchange of sexual fantasies and desires. Spend quality time with the person you’re with, learn about their values and dreams, and be vulnerable with them. Open up and let them in. Prioritizing emotional intimacy leads to a better sexual relationship as well.

When it can’t go forward

Experiencing sexual tension with someone you can’t have is brutal. Whether it’s a coworker, a friend in a committed relationship, an ex, or someone you’re fundamentally incompatible with, you find yourself torn between your desires and the reality that those desires will never come to fruition. Painful as it may be while it lasts, it’s possible to deal with your feelings gracefully:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

Pretending that you’re not attracted to someone when all you can think about is what it’d feel like to kiss them, hold them, or make love to them will only make these feelings resurface stronger. So, don’t deny how you feel or shame yourself for it.

Even if you’ve developed feelings for your best friend who is in a relationship or are attracted to your partner’s boss, accept them for what they are—a natural human response—without entertaining the possibility of acting on them. “Acknowledging your feelings instead of suppressing them allows you to process them in a healthy way and move forward,” says Dr. Perel.

Related Reading: The Best Way To Get Over Rejection Is To Face It

2. Create boundaries

Sometimes, sexual attraction can become so overwhelming that it can disrupt your life or other relationships. If that’s where you find yourself, it’s critical to set clear boundaries so that you don’t end up doing something you’d regret. For instance, if you’re attracted to a married coworker and can’t stop picturing yourself with them, it can be helpful to limit one-on-one interactions with them, stop meeting them outside of work, or focus your interactions on work-related matters only. “Boundaries protect you from crossing lines that could lead to regret. They help you maintain clarity and control in complex situations,” says Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist.

3. Focus on the bigger picture

why do i want him so bad sexually — View the situation objectively to save yourself from stepping into an emotional minefield

If you’re drawn to someone you know isn’t good for you—perhaps, a toxic ex you’ve been in an on-again-off-again relationship with or someone whose values and lifestyles are in stark contrast to your own—viewing the situation objectively can help prevent you from stepping into an emotional minefield.

Take a step back and talk to yourself like you’d to a friend. Ask, “Would pursuing this person bring me happiness in the long term?” “Is immediate gratification worth all the emotional turmoil I will put myself through if I go through with this?” The answers might just be the deterrent you need to steer clear of.

4. Redirect your energies

All that built-up sexual energy can make you act in ways you didn’t know you were capable of. While it may feel in the moment, it will only bring up feelings of regret and shame later on. To make sure this pent-up desire doesn’t take you down a road you don’t want to travel, it’s best to channel your energies into other areas of life.

“Redirecting sexual energy into personal growth not only helps you move on but also boosts your confidence and self-awareness,” says Dr. Fisher. When you feel tempted to act on your desires, hit the gym, go for a long walk to clear your mind, dive into a creative project, and consider meeting someone new.

Related Reading: How To Love Yourself In A Relationship – 21 Practical Tips

Navigating the gray areas

When it comes to human relationships, things aren’t always black or white, right or wrong. There can be many situations where you may not be sure whether it’s okay to act on your feelings—feeling sexually attracted to your friend’s ex or your sibling’s best friend. What do you do in such situations? Here are some tips:

Introspect about the nature of your feelings and see if acting on them can be the beginning of a meaningful relationship, which is worth ruffling a few feathers, or is it just a fleeting attraction
Assess the risks vis-a-vis the rewards. If there can be a potential fallout—like you risk losing a dear friend if you get involved with their ex—consider taking a step back
If you haven’t been able to decide the right way forward, consider seeking an outside perspective. Talk it through with a trusted friend or even a therapist to understand what the right course of action is

FAQs

1. Can you stop being sexually attracted to someone?

Yes, it’s possible to stop being sexually attracted to someone if you acknowledge and accept your feelings without guilt or shame, set clear boundaries, and consciously redirect your energies to distract yourself. It may take time and conscious effort but you can work through these feelings and get over them.

Key Pointers

Your body and brain both play a role in triggering sexual attraction
Sometimes, the spark can be intangible and hard to explain
Intimacy and sexual chemistry can exist independently of one another, but sexual attraction can pave the way for deeper intimacy
You may feel intense sexual attraction toward someone due to emotional or intellectual connection, shared energy or charisma, unresolved feelings, the thrill of the chase
If you find yourself drawn to someone sexually, assess whether or not there is a possibility of taking that connection to the next level and act accordingly

Final Thoughts

Sexual attraction is a powerful experience but it is also a normal human response. It’s how you deal with it and respond to it that defines the outcome—good or bad. When you approach these feelings with honesty and care, you can work through them or set the foundation for a long-term, meaningful relationship. When you act on impulse and let your primal desires steer your actions, you will likely crash and burn. Remember that attraction isn’t just about the spark—it’s also about how you channel it in ways that bring fulfillment, integrity, and joy to your life.

19 Spiritual Signs Someone Is Thinking About You Sexually

21 Clear Signs Of Unspoken Attraction Between Two People

What Is The Difference Between Making Love And Having Sex?

Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.

See Our Editorial Process

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

What is your feedback?