Why does my girlfriend hate me?

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Juhi and I have been together for 6 years. However, we have been arguing with each other daily. We argue about minor things like food preferences or even about what we should watch on tv. And sometimes we argue about major things like her helping her friends and family financially even though we are both saving up money for our personal lives and dreams. Although we love each other, I sometimes feel like there is a growing emotional distance between both of us. Sometimes, when we argue, it feels like she wants to hurt me. She says will poke at things she knows I am sensitive about. These arguments are affecting our intimacy levels too and sometimes I feel like we don’t even trust each other. How can I make my girlfriend love me again? I just want things to be the way they were earlier. The arguments are not only becoming an emotional distress for us both, they are now spilling to our family and loved ones too. What can I do?

Answer

Constant or frequent arguments in a relationship chip away at the connection and safety that partners experience with each other. Not only does it add to your stress, but it prolongs the experience of draining emotions such as disappointment, anger, sadness, etc. Naturally, this lack of safety, connection and shared positive emotions leads to distance in the relationship.

A few things to keep in mind about conflict:

Partners often get caught up in proving themselves right and the other wrong. It’s important to remember that there is no objectively true experience here. While both you and your partner may have experienced the same event, your experience and understanding of that event will be unique, and can be diametrically opposite. Repeat to yourself: two things can be true at the same time.
A lot of these arguments can seem like they’re happening over small, pointless things. When it feels like the response to a given situation is an overreaction, it is safe to assume that the actual problem is not what appears on the surface. A couple arguing over the correct way to cook rice isn’t really arguing about the rice, but the feeling that both experience of the other not validating their experience. Notice the underlying problem. What is this argument really about?
Couples often keep a score board of fights they “won”, wherein one partner was proven right, while the other apologized. If you want a healthy, loving relationship, throw this scoreboard out the window. What’s more important – your relationship or being right?
Notice the patterns in your conflict. Often, your partner will do something that really triggers you, and vice versa. Once you begin to notice them, trace them back to their origin. Chances are, you’re projecting how you felt back then onto the current situation. It helps to ask, “What about my partner makes me respond like this?”

Related Reading: Why do I always think my girlfriend is cheating on me?

A few general tips that can help:

You need to balance out negative interactions with your partner with positive ones. Make an effort to spend quality time together.
Normalize taking time outs from aggravating conversations, but remember to promise to get back to discussing the topic when you have calmed down. Make sure your partner doesn’t feel abandoned in the middle of conflict.
Remember that it is both of you vs the problem and not you vs your partner.
Don’t disrespect or harshly criticize your partner in front of others. Such tactics of humiliation may stroke your ego for the moment, but are disastrous for your relationship. Imagine how deeply hurt and betrayed it would feel to know someone you love bad-mouthed you.
Criticism is often a disguised wish. We criticize things when we wish they were different. Notice the wish you are trying to convey, change your words accordingly, and say that. It makes a world of difference.

FAQs

1. How to make my girlfriend love me again?

The most important thing here is to rebuild safety and connection in the relationship. That requires:
1. Emotional vulnerability
2. Not using your partner’s vulnerability as an opportunity to hurt them
3. Spending quality time together
4. Appreciating your partner for everything they do
5. Addressing and making peace with difference of opinion

2. Why is my girlfriend always mad at me?

If anyone seems to always be mad at you, not just your girlfriend, they likely have a strong underlying concern which has not been properly addressed. Your girlfriend might have repeatedly complained to you about the same thing over and over again, and maybe no change followed through

3. How to fix things with your girlfriend?

Give it time and be patient with her and yourself
If you want things to change between you, things will have to change within both of you
Apologising is not beneath you, and neither is modifying your behavior so that you don’t hurt your partner, or vice versa
While you work on repairing things between you two, it’s important to simultaneously work on building good memories and feelings. This is what gives your relationship the strength to last through difficult times

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