A TIME article says, “Modern dating means learning how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.” And very rightly so. But why is dating so hard nowadays? The answer may lie in the way we approach dating: a never-ending swiping game, followed by a performance of flaky conversations, and then a ‘your place or mine’ scenario. Repeat this cycle long enough, and it’s no wonder that dating begins to seem like yet another dreary chore on your to-do list.

The question is, how did we get here? In this article, we will delve deeper into the issues with modern dating. With valuable insights from relationship counselor Dhriti Bhavsar (M.Sc, Clinical Psychology), who specializes in relationship, breakup, and LGBTQ counseling, let’s explore why more and more people feel that online dating sucks and unearth ways to tackle the issue.

10 Reasons Why Dating Is So Hard

Are you tired of swiping left and right every day? Do you feel you have no luck with online dating? Asking yourself over and over again, “Why is online dating so hard?” According to a 2022 study in the US, 4 in 5 respondents said they felt emotional fatigue while dating online. And add to it the uncertainty, the lack of emotions, the trend of dating multiple people at the same time that accompanies modern dating, and we have a recipe for disaster. This is why dating is so hard these days.

Related Reading: The Complexities Of Modern Dating And How To Navigate Them: A Complete Guide

Mark Manson, the New York Times bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, says, “Unlike playing the piano or learning a language, our dating and sex lives are inextricably bound to our emotional needs, and when we get into potentially intimate or sexual situations, these experiences rub up against our prior traumas causing us anxiety, neuroticism, stress and pain.” This aptly answers the question, why is dating so tough?

To explore the emotional toll of being caught in the loop of fickle connections in greater detail, let’s take a look at 10 reasons why dating is so tough: 

1. It’s a performance

Unless it’s completely organic (such as your SO finding you in the college library or a café and pursuing you for days), dating can seem like a performance. Dhriti says, “This is because you know everything you say or do is being evaluated. It’s nerve wracking.” 

Explaining why she is exhausted with dating, Alice, a 28-year-old HR professional, says, “It feels like an act and seems I will be boo-ed if I fail. It’s quite a task to deck up in your best clothes and go and show your best self, when you know that you’re actually hiding your flaws, which will show at some point or the other. Online dating sucks.”

2. The high effort–low expectation scenario

Why is online dating so hard these days? You see, dating, at least in its early stages, requires a lot of effort. People spend a lot of time getting to know each other, calling or texting each other, scoring through each other’s social media profiles, only to be faced with uncertainty about where the connection is headed. 

Dhriti says, “In the present-day scenario, it’s pretty common for people to be seeing multiple people. It can get exhausting to care about what person no’ 3’s favorite color is, after a while.” You may also find yourself worrying about the fate of the relationship once you realize the person you’re dating is seeing other people. It causes unnecessary mental strain.

Related Reading: Online Dating Advice – 23 Important Tips

3. It can drain you of your energy

Dating in this era is hard because with the various ways to get in touch with our dates (texts, video calls, voice notes, etc.), you may become overwhelmed soon enough. With the demands of your hectic job, you may miss a pre-scheduled late-night call or end up having to cancel a date, and in the process, offend them. Making up again takes a lot of energy and effort. And this loop seems never-ending.

Dhriti explains, “Our lifestyles are already very demanding. Plus, the added pressure to be in touch all the time may get in the way of us dating how we would actually enjoy doing it. Often, even if you have the time for a date, you just don’t have the energy.”

4. The trend of hook-ups and short-lived relationships

The transient nature of relationships is one of the answers to the question, “Why is online dating so hard?” In this age of multiple options available at the click of a button, the next match is a swipe away and commitment is hard to come by. 

Our attention spans are getting shorter, and that’s what is making most of us get into short-lived dating arrangements for satiating our immediate needs. People are increasingly choosing hook-ups and no-strings-attached relationships to fill the void of a partner or because committing to someone takes a lot of effort.

Dhriti explains, “People’s views toward commitment and relationships have shifted. Most people now shy away from labels, which adds another layer of complexity to the mix.”

Related Reading: Dating Is Easier, Don’t Get Married

5. Unrealistic expectations

Why is dating so hard, you ask? Simply because our expectations are sky-high. Social media has made us believe that relationships are just glossy reels, where people are dining at high-end restaurants or vacationing at exotic places. So, anything that falls short of our high-flying and unrealistic expectation becomes annoying and we aren’t ready to adjust.

Dhriti says, “We seem too eager to call anything we don’t like in someone a red flag. I once heard someone say “He wore chinos to our date and that’s a red flag”. Now, this is ridiculous. It’s perfectly fine to have preferences, but sometimes, we don’t just leave it at that. We seem to have created this whole unachievable idea of the perfect person.”

6. Fear of rejection

Be it due to some past trauma or some unhealed psychological issue, many people are too scared of being rejected in relationships. So, they end up dating half-heartedly till they decide to abruptly ghost or leave the person they had been dating. A 2023 study proved that rejection sensitivity makes people suffer from “lower levels of relationship satisfaction and relationship closeness.” 

This makes them indulge in risky sexual behavior without getting into the complexities of relationships. Dhriti explains, “Dating now is weird as it is, with all its complexities. The fear of rejection can make things all the more complicated.” 

Talking about fear of rejection and its impact on dating life, a Reddit user says, “I’m a 27M and I’ve been single for almost 2 years now. After a 3-year relationship, for about a year I’ve been trying to get into the online dating scene. In that time I’ve had very little luck with getting matches or even maintaining a conversation when I do get a match. I’ve considered trying to flirt with women I find remotely interesting/attractive IRL though I lack the confidence and don’t want to come off as creepy and make someone uncomfortable.”

Related Reading: 15 Tips To Identify When You Are Connecting With Someone

7. Trust issues

One of the answers to the question, why is dating so hard?, is that people can’t trust each other. Dhriti says, “If you’re carrying baggage from past relationships, such as difficulty in trusting someone, you’re perhaps not completely over your ex. This is going to make your dating life even more difficult.” Here’s how:

• You may end up suspecting them when they are out with their friends 
• You may become too clingy, calling and texting them out of the blue throughout the day
• You may imagine the worst case scenario when they forget to text or call due to some reason

8. Compatibility

The concept of compatibility seems to have turned into a joke on dating apps. People have weird definitions of compatibility, and sometimes, those definitions can be plain frivolous.

You don’t know a thing about anime? Haven’t watched a single episode of Game of Thrones? Well, chances are you are being judged and rejected right at the onset. Dhriti says, “Finding compatibility is difficult, especially considering that a lot of people go into dating defensive, not open to change.” 

My cousin, Andrea, had a similar experience. She was told by her date that they weren’t compatible simply because she was vegan and her date was non-vegetarian. “Dating sites are useless. It was so painful to be rejected right at the onset for something so trivial. What do people even want these days? Why is online dating so hard?,” she wondered.

Related Reading: How To Find The One: 13 Tried and Tested Tips

9. Reluctance to invest emotionally

Dhriti says, “It is possible that some people are too tired, burnt out, or jaded for any sort of emotional investment. It’s important to check in with yourself emotionally before you jump into the dating pool.”

Linda, a 25-year-old hairstylist, was over the moon when she found a whirlwind romance with a guy she connected with on a dating app. “We were both emotionally invested within just a couple of months of dating, or so it seemed. He called and texted throughout the day. He would sing to me and plan lovely dates.” Then, one fine day, he suddenly told her he didn’t wish to take the relationship forward.

Linda was shattered. It took her a couple of months to heal from this absolutely unexpected heartbreak and she has now vowed never to get emotionally attached to an online date so soon again.

10. Afraid of being vulnerable

Why is online dating so hard? Another explanation for this quandary is that people find it difficult to show their vulnerable side. Being vulnerable means showing your softer side, letting the other person see your fears and insecurities, opening up about past trauma, telling them secrets that nobody else knows. It can be hard to open up to someone this way when you’re interacting with a complete stranger via a screen and have no way of knowing what they’re really like. 

Your guard can get raised higher and becomes more impregnable with every bad experience in the online dating world. Dhriti says, “Some people are just scared to open up or be vulnerable. Getting to know someone is a two-way street, and if you resist their attempts at getting to know you, dating is going to feel like a battlefield. In such cases, you need to encourage your date to be vulnerable.”

How To Overcome Dating Challenges

Now that we’ve addressed the question, why is dating so hard in the present times?, let’s also understand what can be done to overcome these challenges and find a way to navigate the dating world successfully. 

Explaining how decided to handle the challenges of dating, a Reddit user says, “I’ve decided to take a break from dating apps, focus on talking to one person at a time, not play games with them, and be my fully flawed, authentic self from the start.”

Related Reading: 20 Valuable Tips For A First Date After Meeting Online

We agree that being yourself can help you deal with a lot of issues that plague modern dating. However, it’s not always easy to break the mold you’ve cast yourself in and embrace authenticity. A lot of people may even struggle to ascertain what their authentic self entails. To help you tide over this stumbling block, Dhriti offers 5 actionable tips on overcoming dating challenges in the modern times:

1. Know yourself

Before you put yourself out there in the dating world, be in touch with yourself and understand what you seek from this experience. Once you do that, it becomes easier to deal with dating challenges. Dhriti recommends the following ways to know and understand yourself better:

• Check in with yourself and see how you’re doing emotionally
• Have clear answers to why you want to date. Is it for sexual gratification or something long-term and meaningful?
• Understand that no reason is too shallow or invalid. It’s okay to explore the world of online dating just because you’re curious

2. Don’t take rejections personally

Ever felt that dating sites are useless because people are not accountable for their actions on such apps? After all, we’ve all been victims of ghosting. While there is no doubt that rejections can be tough, they are also par for the course in your dating journey. So, how should you deal with it? Dhriti advises, “Don’t let rejections bog you down. Just the way you don’t like everyone you connect with on a dating app, everyone isn’t going to like you, and that’s okay.”

Below are some ways to handle rejection better:

• Focus on yourself: Take the rejection as a sign that you two weren’t meant for the long run
• Cut contact if that makes you feel better: Often, texting/talking to prospective matches even after they’ve rejected you can prevent you from moving on
• Deal with ghosting maturely: If you’ve been ghosted, respond to it maturely and think of it this way: it reflects on their inability to be frank with you and shows that they lack basic dating etiquette

Related Reading: 13 Tips To Date Online Successfully And Find Your Ideal Partner

3. Plan fun and unconventional dates

Dhriti says, “Plan dates that you would actually enjoy, not just your typical dinners and coffee dates. While those can be fun as well, picking an activity you and the person you’re interested in enjoy, it’ll make bonding with them easier.” Here are some amazing date ideas:

• A stargazing date at a campsite
• A hiking date
• A day at the bookstore, discussing your favorite books and buying some

4. Be genuine

Dhriti says, “Dating now is like theater. The entire performative circus around dating is often its most exhausting part.” The simplest way to deal with this is to break away from the trend of putting on a performance and instead be genuine. There is, anyway, no point in pretending to be someone you’re not. Sooner or later, your real self will shine through, and if it doesn’t align with the other person’s idea of a partner, you will set yourself—and them—for yet another disappointing outcome. And you’ll be left lamenting, “Online dating sucks”.

Related Reading: The Ultimate Funny Online Dating Questions

5. Be open-minded

Dhriti says, “Not every date or every person you meet is going to ‘wow’ you. Dating is supposed to be a slow process and you need to, at times, just enjoy the process. It can be inherently fun to de-puzzle another person, while they try to de-puzzle you.” She suggests the following tips:

• Be optimistic
• Keep an open mind
• Let loose and enjoy the low-commitment period

Infographic On How To Keep Your Dating Life Alive And Kicking

So now that we have offered a detailed low-down on how to deal with the challenges of modern dating, let’s look at a few examples of how to keep your dating life full of fun. Here we go:

Final Thoughts

We hope you have all the answers to “Why is dating so hard these days?” We also hope you will now be able to address the challenges of dating with ease. Yes, dating isn’t what it used to be a decade back. It’s not all about flowers and cozy dinners. 

Dating today takes guts. And yes, online dating sucks at times, with all its uncertainties. But we hope you find the right partner soon with all our tips in this article. Just be real and guarded at the same time. But don’t forget to enjoy yourself! We wish you the best.

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